Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 9 10
Core #2902545 08/23/20 08:06 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
Quote
I do have to say the anger is good in a way. Gave me the energy to turn things around. I have stopped harboring hate...maybe I am moving towards forgiveness.


There use to be a lady here by the name of Vanilla. She had been in an abusive MR, and later she would say that getting angry was good.......b/c it gave her courage, instead of fear. I saw the same sitch with my sister. After her wayward, abusive spouse left her for OW......she got angry......good and angry! She would tell me that she wanted him to suffer. Thankfully, she was able to move on with her life and doesn't focus on him and the past. She didn't become a prisoner to watching him, and hoping he'd pay for how he treated her. Actually, she is much, much happier now. And guess what? It didn't take another man to make her happy. She did it all on her own.

I believe forgiveness comes from our own volition. It has nothing to do with whether or not the offender deserves forgiveness. It has nothing to do with whether or not the offender asks for our forgiveness. It can't be earned by the offender. It really has nothing to do with the other person, nor the sin they've committed. Forgiveness is an act of grace.

Sounds simple, but it's not so easy when lives have been altered as a result of another person's actions. Based on years of personal observation, most people need time to process the trauma and raw emotions. Even if they understand that forgiveness is for their own sake, they just can't match it with their current feelings. Some people seek spiritual/professional help to get through this passage of time, while others can work through it alone. I've personally seen individuals hold onto so much bitterness, nobody wanted to be around them. These are the ones who wouldn't let go of the wrong done to them. They kept the pain fresh and refused to move forward.

For whatever my words are worth, I encourage you to be kind to yourself. Give yourself some time to process everything. If you need help, then get it. The lessons we learn from life can be very painful. Whatever wisdom you gain from this experience......don't waste it.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Core #2902548 08/23/20 09:40 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,157
Likes: 34
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,157
Likes: 34
Beautiful post Sandi. Such a great description of forgiveness.

IW - Loved your post as well. The part about forgiveness being a journey with good days and bad. That describes what I want through perfectly. Eventually the good days outnumber the bad which is hopefully a place we all get to...for our own healing.

(((HUGS)))


Me 53
H 48
B/G Twins 13
SD 21
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Core #2902577 08/24/20 06:20 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Core
I still have fondness for my W.


I imagine you always will. I have fondness for my XW as well. I'm past wanting to be married to her or have any kind of romantic relationship with her, but I will always love her as a person and someone that was special to me for a long time. Your kids are very young, so you and your W will have a co-parenting relationship for quite some time, and really will probably interact on some level for the rest of your lives. So resolving things peacefully is definitely paving the way to a better future no matter what type of R you end up having with her.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
DejaVu6 #2902941 09/01/20 07:05 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
Thank you for the kind words, DejaVu.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Core #2903014 09/02/20 07:46 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 426
Likes: 5
C
Core Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 426
Likes: 5
I got help from the last few posts that I didnt even know I needed, nor asked for. That's how thoughtful and experienced I believe those on this board to be. The knowledge helped me through some difficult days and I had a decent week or so. Mumin, I'm glad my posts are of help. I've been meaning to reply, update and thank you all for the support but I found myself escaping.

I have stopped the forms of escape and got nailed with emotions. As I saw on U's thread, I know my current feelings are temporary. Writing here and knowing someone will read it sometimes is enough. Hearing takes and getting guidance is a bonus.

Here's what hit me...I dont want a divorce. I miss my old wife. I am ashamed for not treating my anxiety sooner, not understanding my wife better and being oblivious to how bad things were for her. This is my current emotions darkening everything...frankly life isnt great. Its not what I was told it would be. The book, friends, parents led me to believe that good things came to good people. Trying hard and being decent would lead to a nice life. Being loving, working hard, putting others first would lead to a happy marriage. I'm not greedy, selfish, rude. I have what I'm told are great qualities. Im assertive when it matters, confident before all this, I love others as they are....yet so much is taken from me. What made me happy, what I cared about wasnt money, games, validation. No, its having a safe secure household, getting the kids to sleep, kissing W on her head and having her fall asleep on my chest and in my arms. I fulfilled my role as a man, to create, provide for and keep a loving family safe and feeling loved. Or so I thought.

While wrapped in my own emotions, I didn't know W was hurting as she was. It would've been nice if she communicated as such but alas, I should've known how much she was pulling away. Divorce wasnt part of my vocabulary. I took my time to get treated and although I did before she asked for D, it was too late.

I've read too much on psychology and relationships now, I cant see having another one this day and age, and it is all I wanted. To have my kids at home and sleep next to someone who loved me for me. Here's the thing, loving a man as themselves is a fairytale or at least it is for me. If I act as my 100 percent fun, sometimes goofy, self depreciating humor self, few women I've ever known would be attracted. Some may like it but not be attracted and thus, dead bedroom would ensue and there goes intimacy. I'm content with a mediocre job so i can have more time with loved ones. Many people are not attracted to that. One must have a drive and purpose to be attractive. Well, what i wanted and strove for I mentioned already. I have it or had. Now I'll never have it and well without what I wanted in life, life is that much darker. I'm not saying I hate life or I need to call a hotline, its just the cold and hard reality I'm facing. I don't want to be rich, own a business, fight for power, look superior or higher value to others. No, I just wanted to share love and be loved for to me, thats why I'm here and why we're all here on earth. If I'm not pursuing a higher purpose, gaining power, etc then well unfortunately due to human nature, I'm invisible to a massive number of women. Add to that I'm under 6ft, personality means almost nothing to the millennial generation, I'll be bankrupt from child support and well, I dont have much to offer. Reality is, most seek someone whom has something to offer them. Relationships are transactional now, versus survival in the best. Theres always someone better or new to chase and thats what many people want. Life to most is just getting dopamine hits.

I'll make the best of what I still have, I just know it won't be the same. I know its better than living with someone that didnt love me. I am ready to build back up to my level of comfort and do what i need to, to have a happy home for the kids 50 percent of the time. I have hobbies to get me by, and friends to enjoy. There is still joy to have in this life, but whats got me today is that I'll never have that same highpoint and its no longer achievable. Even if W and I worked it out, Ill always know she wanted OM and that she discarded me at a low point like I was trash, she'll probably feel like shes settling. We were so different the first 6 years. She married hoping I'd change, and I married hoping she wouldn't.

Sincerely, struggling with accepting reality for what it is.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core #2903016 09/02/20 08:12 PM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 572
Likes: 5
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 572
Likes: 5
Hi core, sorry you are struggling! I have seen a lot of strength from you on these boards and I am sure you will find it!
I don't have time rn for a long post but there was something that stuck out to me in your post.
Hav you read no more Mr nice guy?

This here, is textbook NGS:
"Its not what I was told it would be. The book, friends, parents led me to believe that good things came to good people. Trying hard and being decent would lead to a nice life. Being loving, working hard, putting others first would lead to a happy marriage."


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
sandi2 #2903017 09/02/20 08:43 PM
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 17
B
New Member
Offline
New Member
B
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by sandi2
Quote
I do have to say the anger is good in a way. Gave me the energy to turn things around. I have stopped harboring hate...maybe I am moving towards forgiveness.


There use to be a lady here by the name of Vanilla. She had been in an abusive MR, and later she would say that getting angry was good.......b/c it gave her courage, instead of fear. I saw the same sitch with my sister. After her wayward, abusive spouse left her for OW......she got angry......good and angry! She would tell me that she wanted him to suffer. Thankfully, she was able to move on with her life and doesn't focus on him and the past. She didn't become a prisoner to watching him, and hoping he'd pay for how he treated her. Actually, she is much, much happier now. And guess what? It didn't take another man to make her happy. She did it all on her own.

I believe forgiveness comes from our own volition. It has nothing to do with whether or not the offender deserves forgiveness. It has nothing to do with whether or not the offender asks for our forgiveness. It can't be earned by the offender. It really has nothing to do with the other person, nor the sin they've committed. Forgiveness is an act of grace.

Sounds simple, but it's not so easy when lives have been altered as a result of another person's actions. Based on years of personal observation, most people need time to process the trauma and raw emotions. Even if they understand that forgiveness is for their own sake, they just can't match it with their current feelings. Some people seek spiritual/professional help to get through this passage of time, while others can work through it alone. I've personally seen individuals hold onto so much bitterness, nobody wanted to be around them. These are the ones who wouldn't let go of the wrong done to them. They kept the pain fresh and refused to move forward.

For whatever my words are worth, I encourage you to be kind to yourself. Give yourself some time to process everything. If you need help, then get it. The lessons we learn from life can be very painful. Whatever wisdom you gain from this experience......don't waste it.







Core #2903018 09/02/20 09:58 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 685
Y
Member
Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 685
Core, your most recent was so insightful. Your third paragraph I could have written.

Responding to your third paragraph specifically...yes. I know you know this, but it (grief) comes in waves. You're feeling a different wave now but it's all part of the same process. I think this is one that people here don't talk about - the one where the LBS finally starts looking inward. Truly inward, and seeing things they don't like. But also accepting it. I've had a few different waves of that, that we are all good yet imperfect people. I too have regrets on things I can't change, yet pride in who I am as a person. And accepting our flaws is hard because we can't go up to our WAS and say, "Look, see? I figured it out. I changed. I'm sorry, but I get it now". So the learning is a very solo act, and that's probably the hardest part of the growth.

Your 5th paragraph: That's a fine place to be now if it feels authentic to you. I suspect it's not true from an objective outsider's perspective, but that's not my call to make. Just leave room to be wrong here, k? Or to change your mind, if you wish to. You're in charge.

I'm going through a major upheaval at work. There's a lot of complaining about it. My colleague and I have taken to reminding each other, "This is what change looks like. It's hard in the moment.". So we accept that it's not ideal right now, but that all change for good and bad is difficult in the transition. It's not even a "get through it" kind of mentality, more of a "this is what is happening right now, this is reality. Live in it and acknowledge it for what it is."

Your post struck me because I was there pretty recently in one of my cycles post D. I'm now riding the most incredible high due to things that I couldn't have forseen. Leave your doors open for something unforseen, k?

Core #2903021 09/02/20 11:00 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,559
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,559
Core ~

I feel for you and I post because I care and see a lot of myself in you. I always prefer 2x4 feedback so if I come across harshly I am sorry.

Originally Posted by Core
. I am ashamed for not treating my anxiety sooner, not understanding my wife better and being oblivious to how bad things were for her. This is my current emotions darkening everything...frankly life isnt great. Its not what I was told it would be. The book, friends, parents led me to believe that good things came to good people. Trying hard and being decent would lead to a nice life. Being loving, working hard, putting others first would lead to a happy marriage. I'm not greedy, selfish, rude. I have what I'm told are great qualities. Im assertive when it matters, confident before all this, I love others as they are....yet so much is taken from me. What made me happy, what I cared about wasnt money, games, validation. No, its having a safe secure household, getting the kids to sleep, kissing W on her head and having her fall asleep on my chest and in my arms. I fulfilled my role as a man, to create, provide for and keep a loving family safe and feeling loved. Or so I thought.

Shame, guilt ... classic NGS. Shame and guilt tell you you are fundamentally "bad". Have some self-compassion, you regret some things from your past, you are working on owning them. Everybody has issues... many people don't address them at all.

I'm sorry that society and culture and your parents taught you about a fairy tale life. Bad things happen to good people. It [censored], it happens. But you are not a passive victim. You outsourced your happiness to your family, to your wife, to your kids. Re-read about NGS.

I did all of the above. I know what you are feeling. I feel like I could have written that at one point.

Originally Posted by Core
While wrapped in my own emotions, I didn't know W was hurting as she was. It would've been nice if she communicated as such but alas, I should've known how much she was pulling away. Divorce wasnt part of my vocabulary. I took my time to get treated and although I did before she asked for D, it was too late.

You are responsible for your part, and she is responsible for hers. You're going to have to let it go. Work on your part.

Originally Posted by Core
I've read too much on psychology and relationships now, I cant see having another one this day and age, and it is all I wanted. To have my kids at home and sleep next to someone who loved me for me. Here's the thing, loving a man as themselves is a fairytale or at least it is for me. If I act as my 100 percent fun, sometimes goofy, self depreciating humor self, few women I've ever known would be attracted. Some may like it but not be attracted and thus, dead bedroom would ensue and there goes intimacy. I'm content with a mediocre job so i can have more time with loved ones. Many people are not attracted to that. One must have a drive and purpose to be attractive. Well, what i wanted and strove for I mentioned already. I have it or had. Now I'll never have it and well without what I wanted in life, life is that much darker. I'm not saying I hate life or I need to call a hotline, its just the cold and hard reality I'm facing. I don't want to be rich, own a business, fight for power, look superior or higher value to others. No, I just wanted to share love and be loved for to me, thats why I'm here and why we're all here on earth. If I'm not pursuing a higher purpose, gaining power, etc then well unfortunately due to human nature, I'm invisible to a massive number of women. Add to that I'm under 6ft, personality means almost nothing to the millennial generation, I'll be bankrupt from child support and well, I dont have much to offer. Reality is, most seek someone whom has something to offer them. Relationships are transactional now, versus survival in the best. Theres always someone better or new to chase and thats what many people want. Life to most is just getting dopamine hits.

Core, this is a crock. I hope you can re-read the above and see how many cognitive distortions are in that paragraph.

What do you want out of life? Do you want a fairy-tale relationship that you were sold? If so, you will absolutely be disappointed.

Reading between the lines, I sense you still value a woman's approval and think somehow you carry less value because you think women won't be attracted to you. Please think about that. Relationships can augment happiness but they can't create it out of thin air.

There are tons of women out there looking for a nice, funny, caring single dad. If you're like me, you are thinking "Whatever, he doesn't get it". I do get it. I thought the same way. Then I tried out dating and found I was wrong.

Originally Posted by Core
I'll make the best of what I still have, I just know it won't be the same. I know its better than living with someone that didnt love me. I am ready to build back up to my level of comfort and do what i need to, to have a happy home for the kids 50 percent of the time. I have hobbies to get me by, and friends to enjoy. There is still joy to have in this life, but whats got me today is that I'll never have that same highpoint and its no longer achievable. Even if W and I worked it out, Ill always know she wanted OM and that she discarded me at a low point like I was trash, she'll probably feel like shes settling. We were so different the first 6 years. She married hoping I'd change, and I married hoping she wouldn't.

You're right, your life won't be the same. You are going to get through this and be happier. It's going to be rough sailing. Today I'm struggling big-time too. But just know that YOU define your happiness, not your W, not another woman, not kids, not anybody. YOU. Take control of what you can and ignore the rest.

You CAN do this!

Core #2903022 09/02/20 11:12 PM
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 1,435
Likes: 10
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 1,435
Likes: 10
Hi Core,

I just wanted to chime in to say that what you say above resonates so, so much with me too. It is a big part of the reason I've been willing to scarf down so many $hit sandwiches on chance, even if it is just 1%, that we can come out of this on the other side stronger and better together.

That being said... I have to say that the way you describe yourself-- fun, goofy, self-deprecating, family over job, wanting nothing more than going to sleep each night with someone you love and who loves you back... I don't know what women you hang out with but I can assure you that those are the qualities I would look for first in a partner and any of my close friends with whom I talk about this stuff would be the same. I think humor is incredibly attractive and I know I'm not alone. Money, ambition, power, prestige... in my experience, men who seek those things are usually a-holes. As U says, there ARE tons of single women out there looking for someone just like you. And, I know couples who have totally found what you describe in a second marriage. There is a whole wide world out there waiting for you.

Yail once said to me-- don't write your future before you get to it. That has stuck with me quite a bit. She's saying something similar to you-- leave your doors open for something unforeseen-- but I'll also gift back her words to me of not writing your future today in case that resonates in a different way.

Hang in there.

May


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
Page 3 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard