7 Years of Complacency...

[SteveLW]

Hi Husbran,

I've since moved all my clothes and such to my office where I will sleep for now.
. If anyone has thoughts about tomorrow let me know.

Reclaim the master bedroom. That was one of the three items we advised you to hold firm on. As you asked your wife to do, think about your kids and everything. The sooner you find your strength, the better.

What is holding you back?

Conflicting advice, for sure. I know everyone means well so thank you. Yes, I made the mistake of moving out of the bedroom when I was still emotional. Tell me this: when she freaks out about me moving back in, what would you do in my shoes? Would you say she had to sleep downstairs? I wouldn't be surprised if at this point she did move out, even to live with a girlfriend temporarily.

Yeah, I am weak at times through this but know I need to make every time I'm around her I'm strong and not being selfish or needy. She doesn't get home til after 6 so I know I'd have time to move things back up. If anything I don't think she expects me to be that bold.

Conflicting advice? I'm not seeing any.

[husbran]

Sorry, by conflicting advice, I meant from sources outside of this forum. There are so many options out there for this kind of thing, you really have to reflect on what will or won't work. My wife has been very independent and not necessarily hot-headed, but very spirited. When she decides on something it's very hard to change her mind. I realized that trying to retake the master bedroom is not the solution in this case. If anything it may only speed up the whole process.

Now before anyone jumps on me for this, please understand that my W has had to deal with a lot of crap this year. First, COVID started, forcing us (like many), to change up our home life and work so our kids could be accommodated. Then, back in March her father died a horrible death (recurring alcohol addiction - passed out in a bonfire and died from injuries sustained - he survived about a month before passing). She has had so much mental trauma this year that heaping that on top of our pre-existing marital issues must have just been too much. She's hurt, feels alone, and that she has no support.

Since this all transpired, I've emailed my primary therapist on this but haven't heard back. I've talked to my neighbor who went through something very similar about a year ago. His wife did almost exactly the same thing and after about 1 month she said she would work with him on therapy and such. He's still on shaky ground, but he's getting there. Last night I took one of our dogs out and ran more than I have in a long time. I'm thinking of the whole GAL and 180 thing that's been suggested here too. I have to tell you, it wore me the hell out but it felt good. I'm doing it again tonight too. I need to change how I look so I feel better too.

I've decided I'm done feeling sorry for myself. I've laid myself bare and exposed everything. Now I have to work on me. If my W sees the real change I'm making and wants to stay - wonderful! If she truly is leaving regardless of what I do now, then I have to live with that too.

[SteveLW]

Sorry, by conflicting advice, I meant from sources outside of this forum. There are so many options out there for this kind of thing, you really have to reflect on what will or won't work. My wife has been very independent and not necessarily hot-headed, but very spirited. When she decides on something it's very hard to change her mind. I realized that trying to retake the master bedroom is not the solution in this case. If anything it may only speed up the whole process.

You realized? Or are you afraid? Fear will kill you in DBing. DBing requires courage. It requires standing up for yourself. It requires you standing up and commanding respect for yourself.

YOU CANNOT NICE HER BACK!!

And how do you know it will only speed the whole process? WASs are notoriously lazy when it comes to D. I do not think you moving back into the MBR will move the needle at all. Will she be upset and protest? Sure. But where has trying to appease her gotten you so far?

Also we hear this all the time: "My wife has been very independent and not necessarily hot-headed, but very spirited. When she decides on something it's very hard to change her mind." First, you described every woman ever. However, didn't she just a few years ago stand up before God and witnesses and declare her undying love and devotion and commitment to you? There is no bigger of a "deciding on something" than marriage. And yet she changed her mind. If she changed her mind against that commitment, then she can change it back to that commitment as well.

Now before anyone jumps on me for this, please understand that my W has had to deal with a lot of crap this year. First, COVID started, forcing us (like many), to change up our home life and work so our kids could be accommodated. Then, back in March her father died a horrible death (recurring alcohol addiction - passed out in a bonfire and died from injuries sustained - he survived about a month before passing). She has had so much mental trauma this year that heaping that on top of our pre-existing marital issues must have just been too much. She's hurt, feels alone, and that she has no support.

YOU CANNOT NICE HER BACK!!!!!!

Since this all transpired, I've emailed my primary therapist on this but haven't heard back. I've talked to my neighbor who went through something very similar about a year ago. His wife did almost exactly the same thing and after about 1 month she said she would work with him on therapy and such. He's still on shaky ground, but he's getting there. Last night I took one of our dogs out and ran more than I have in a long time. I'm thinking of the whole GAL and 180 thing that's been suggested here too. I have to tell you, it wore me the hell out but it felt good. I'm doing it again tonight too. I need to change how I look so I feel better too.

I see a mixture of excuses and positives in this paragraph. GAL and 180s are great.....as you work towards emotional detachment. I see you resisting detachment which tells me you have no idea what it really is. So many LBSs get it wrong. It is not being cold, passive-aggressive, or rude. It is being emotionally even in all of your interactions with her. Both positive and negative. Study what it is and start getting there. I can tell you, as someone that whose W is as stubborn as they come, nothing had an effect on my sitch like getting good at being detached. NOTHING. I can remember her telling me she wanted to buy interviewing books and have me help her with her resume. So she could get a job and move out. I was supportive. Upbeat. I went about my business. I wasn't sad, upset, hurt, and this baffled her. It made her question what she was doing. She stopped working on her resume within a day without ever finishing it. You will be amazed at what being unmoved by her words and actions can do to her "resolve".

I've decided I'm done feeling sorry for myself. I've laid myself bare and exposed everything. Now I have to work on me. If my W sees the real change I'm making and wants to stay - wonderful! If she truly is leaving regardless of what I do now, then I have to live with that too.

LOVE IT! And the first change you need to make is to COMMAND respect. You do that by taking back the MBR. I will tell you this husbran, if you do not do that then I would start preparing for the worst. (Speaking of that, the second best thing I did in my sitch, besides getting good at detachment, was to consult with a divorce lawyer. I cannot recommend it highly enough.)

[SteveLW]

Oh on the conflicting advice. Be very careful taking advice from people that are too close to you and close to your situation. People that are too close will have one objective.....to get you past your pain as quickly as possible. DBing is not about getting you past the pain. The emotional roller-coaster has to be ridden, there are no shortcuts through it. What Dbing is about is getting you to the point where you can stand on your own two feet, be healthy and happy and fulfilled, regardless of whether your W decides to come back to the MR or not.