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A Message from Michele
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not where I thought I would be #2899119
07/04/20 11:05 PM
07/04/20 11:05 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,374
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Ginger1  Offline OP
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Previous Thread:

more of the same

I guess I'll start another thread, I need to get some things off my minf.

I was thinking about where I was last year this 4th of July. I was spending it with M and his family. He had to drop his son off with his ex and the police station and he invited me. I drove with them. His son wanted me to come in with them, but of course I didn't. I remember feeling so close to them that day and I just felt happy. 2 days later we went to his friend's bbq with the kids. The day after that we left for our "family" vacation (he called i that). It's been a year. I should be over it by now, but I mourn the loss of what I thought it might have been.

Today, I worked. Then I came home to an empty house. Not invited to any parties. It's just me. I ordered in some dinner. I had a beer. ALone. Everything is alone these days.

Truth be told, I feel like the biggest loser (not the TV series kind). No friends, no partner, no family. Just me, ANd it has left me feeling like a huge loser. I have the most contact with my exH Ouch!

Rough week at work. Luckily I have some great support at work. I did actually realize I should have went for that managers position. I would have been really good at it. ANd i could have quit my second job. But I will trust everything is happening for a reason.

I have another date this week. I guess I don't have a problem getting dates. But I have trouble connecting with them. Maybe this one will be a little better.

I'm going to go have another beer now with my dog because then it's not drinking alone


Last edited by job; 07/05/20 01:45 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
Re: not where I thought I would be [Re: Ginger1] #2899120
07/04/20 11:33 PM
07/04/20 11:33 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,374
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kml Offline
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Awww sweetie - donít fall into the trap. A year ago you were in a relationship with a guy who wasnít meeting your needs and who you were pretzeling around to make it work. Now you are free to find a guy worthy of your love.

And pandemics are rotten, itís just a terrible isolating time for so many. I know itís rough for you. But donít sink into old thought patterns.

Re: not where I thought I would be [Re: Ginger1] #2899123
07/05/20 12:22 AM
07/05/20 12:22 AM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,374
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Ginger1  Offline OP
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KML, I do sometimes question if I was asking for too much, if I was too ďneedyĒ and I should have taken what he was giving because the alternative ainít much better.

But I really do know the true answer to that. At this point in time, I would go back to where we were. But in the long run I know itís wouldnít be the right decision.

This pandemic does stink. My physically. Lose friends are distant. My emotional close friends are physically distant.

It all just stinks

Re: not where I thought I would be [Re: Ginger1] #2899131
07/05/20 07:22 AM
07/05/20 07:22 AM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 206
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MLCxH Offline
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Sorry if it sounds harsh, but it's said with good intentions.

You need to stop this narrative of self pity. You are putting having a relationship on a pedestal and making it out to be a prize that defines happiness in your life. This unfortunately is counter productive to your finding and having a good relationship. In your whole post, the only thing that is a negative is the lack of a relationship and you are letting that convince yourself that your life stinks.

Let's look at some positives, shall we?
You are healthy.
You are gainfully employed when so many others have lost their jobs
You are relatively young and attractive.
You have no trouble finding dates or being able to go out on them
Yes, the pandemic is tough but the worst is hopefully behind you where you live
You are not a high risk person such as old or one with a compromised immune system
You don't have to worry about food, shelter or security
You have a wonderful daughter who loves you
You have a dog who loves you and will love you unconditionally
You live in a first world country where inspite of all the positives, you can convince yourself life stinks smile

Happiness comes from within. Stop looking for happiness defined by a relationship and it will happen. If it does not, you are still happy! I know it is hard but look at the positives when the going gets tough. Hang in there!

Re: not where I thought I would be [Re: Ginger1] #2899155
07/06/20 01:28 AM
07/06/20 01:28 AM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,374
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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MLC, nobody is tougher on me, than me, so I donít find this harsh.

I can see how you would think Iím coming from a. Place of self pity. complete unhappiness, and needing a relationship.

The truth is, I appreciate the positives in my life. Iíve worked extremely hard for them.

I donít even think itís a romantic relationship Iím craving, itís just human relationships. See, Iím not looking for happiness externally. But a part of me , that fuels me, is human connection. Itís the most important thing in life to me. And Iíve lost a lot of that recently.

Itís not self pity. Itís a true pain deep down inside. I wish it would go away.

My friends have drifted away during this whole pandemic . Itís been tough.

But I am very great full I created a life where my kid wants for nothing , I can support Is, and we are healthy. I have a lot of positives.

I hope maybe one day I can have my friendships back, or new ones. Maybe even have a partner, but that Iím not banking on that.

But Iíll be ok. Iím always ok in the end. D12 and I had a nice day together . That relationship is solid

Re: not where I thought I would be [Re: Ginger1] #2899162
07/06/20 04:06 AM
07/06/20 04:06 AM
Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 536
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wooba Offline
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Ginger,

Iím sorry that you are hurting. I hope you can find a little bit of solace in the friendships here in this forum. smile


BD: Sep 2019
H moved out: Oct 2019
3 kids under 12
Re: not where I thought I would be [Re: Ginger1] #2899165
07/06/20 04:51 AM
07/06/20 04:51 AM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 206
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MLCxH Offline
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MLCxH  Offline
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G,
I understand this is difficult and I am not insensitive to your pain. Lean on the positives in your life to deal with the pain. Use the pain to fuel internal growth. This forum constantly reminds everyone to use our problems to grow and get better and I am hoping you can use this to do the same. They say that when a person is blind their other senses get stronger. Strengthen the relationships with the ones you are able to stay in touch with. Most importantly, strengthen your relationship with yourself. This is a great opportunity for self reflection without the distractions we have in our busy lives.

You are a strong woman and you know that. Lean on your positivea for strength and know that this too shall pass smile

Re: not where I thought I would be [Re: Ginger1] #2899178
07/06/20 10:38 AM
07/06/20 10:38 AM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 391
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Mumin Offline
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Mumin  Offline
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Maybe you should try the find - a-friend version of bumble.


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Re: not where I thought I would be [Re: Ginger1] #2899191
07/06/20 02:30 PM
07/06/20 02:30 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,628
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Dawn70 Offline
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(((G)))

You are a very social person, an extrovert, so I can't even begin to imagine how hard all of this pandemic, quarantine, stay home order stuff is affecting you. As an introvert, I even struggled a bit with feeling isolated and missing human contact outside that from my husband. When you factor in that you are a front-line, essential worker, in healthcare, in arguably one of the hardest hit areas of this whole issue, well, it stands to reason why you feel the way that you do. Of course, they are your feelings, regardless of all the extenuating circumstances and as such, you do not owe anyone any sort of explanation about them.

Having said all that, I do agree, to a point, with both kml and MLCxH. I don't think you miss M so much as you miss the idea of what might have been, but you know in your heart of hearts that he wasn't right for you because you were not getting your basic needs met by him and he was not far enough along in healing from his own D to be able to properly enter another R and meet that person's needs. He just had too much baggage both from his D and from his own personal issues. Like kml said, don't fall into old thought patterns. You were NOT being too needy. Go back and read your posts from that time and really think about them. You were bending too much of what you wanted to fit what he was willing to give and while that may work in the short run, in the long run, you would be the one who suffered for it.

I also agree with MLCxH in that you do seem to place a lot of value on being in a relationship and that is not the be all end all. I get that you have been single for a long time, but you have accomplished SO much to be proud of in that time and mostly by yourself. That is something that is difficult and you should be so proud of how strong, accomplished and amazing you are. It is easy for me to sit here and say relationships are not the be all end all when I'm in one, but I felt that way before I found Sparky and I was truly content in the thought that I might never marry again. I wasn't willing to compromise for just anyone and you need to hold on to that stance as well. You are an amazing woman. I still believe, whether you do or not, that there is someone out there for you and when the time is right, your paths will cross. Until then, DO NOT SETTLE!

I wish I had advice for you on the friend thing. It does get harder as we get older to make new friends and with all the stuff going on in our world right now, it is even more difficult. My heart hurts for you that you feel so lonely and disconnected. I'm always here to chat and you know how to find me. We might live in 2 different worlds in many ways, but I can be your friend from afar and we can have virtual drinks or something if that would help.

You really are amazing, G. Truly. You are beautiful, smart, hard-working, a great mom......you have so much going for you. I tell my daughters all the time that I wish I could give them the ability to see themselves through my eyes and I wish I could give you that ability as well...to see yourself through the eyes of others instead of your own eyes since we are always our own worst/harshest critics.


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: not where I thought I would be [Re: Ginger1] #2899233
07/06/20 06:10 PM
07/06/20 06:10 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,619
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LH19 Offline
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LH19  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,619
G,

You know I support you everyday.

I am sorry I have to hijack your thread and ask MLCxH to update his thread.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
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