If I am not married to a girl, and she is cold-shouldering me while having a dude living with her. I am out. Maybe the door is still open for the future with that girl if her situation changes, but I am moving on and dating other people.
We are not suggesting you just cut ties and never talk to him again. (ok, maybe I was a little at first), but I certainly am telling you to meet other people. Date other people. Don't sit and wait for him to get his crap together. Future behavior is foretold by relevant past behavior. He has pretty much taught you how he is going to behave in the future...............
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
All of this ^^^^^^^^^ advice you have already received.
The good news is you are questioning and beginning to do the work on yourself. Your instincts are good and that’s why you are here questioning all this. You know you deserve more than all this. It’s all too messy. It does not need to be this complicated. You are used to complicated because of your childhood.
It probably begins with asking: why kind of relationship do I want? Someone mentioned dating and being courted. Don’t you want that? You deserve that. This is the time where you each decide if you want to choose each other. The fact that this step has been skipped completely is a huge red flag. The relationship is not founded on respect. How do you want your daughter treated by this person? If he meeting those expectations? What kind of relationship do you want to pattern for your daughter as you have control here as to her FOO. What is your daughter seeing and learning in this relationship?
Being codependent, it’s important to recognize the comfort and familiarity of fixing people to correct our childhoods. My armchair diagnosis is that you are attracted to him because he is pieces of your mom and dad and you are still looking to win their love, projected through him. If you were healthy you would kick him to the curb.
That said, you are questioning so that is growth. If you are healthier than you have been you will drop him, go completely no contact, block his number and work on you. Break the cycle you are in with him. Then, after a good amount of time, hopefully IC too, begin to date, keep it casual so you see the variety of men and ways you can be treated. (Keep your daughter out of all that completely!) If you have bad instincts, once you have worked on yourself, ask some trustworthy friends with good instincts to set you up.
If you are not healthier you will continue to cycle with him learning more life lessons and either stay stuck or more forward. I think you are at this crossroads.
Also, you mention several times you have invested years into this. It is still easier and way healthier to cut your losses than to double down on dysfunctional. We teach people how to treat us.
You say yourself you did not do the work years ago. But, you can choose to start that now. You are at a crossroads.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Steve- I would not say he is giving me the cold shoulder. He typically reaches out just not as often as I reach out. It may take him two or three weeks where as I am co-dependent and usually try to talk to him daily. I do not need to talk to him daily. It would be nice if he reached out more often. Of course in the beginning he did but now he has been taught he does not need to because I will reach out first. I have sat quietly about 12 days.
I was pretty resistant when you pushed out never talk to him again. I am not sure I am ready for that however I am prepared to do my part to change the dynamic and if that is what happens then I am sure I will be ok. Before COVID I was honestly so busy I did not have time to meet new people. I did not need GAL activities because I was so tired I fell into bed every single night. My D12 is usually in competition gymnastics (10 hours a week) dance (3 hours a week) and plays on a travel softball team (spring, summer, fall) and school softball (summer) I also work 2 jobs and go to nursing school full time. I barely had time to figure out where I needed to be next. I leave home at 430AM and some nights do see home again until 830 and need to make dinner and take care of D12. With COVID obviously that is much different. It was very stressful for us at first. We went from crazy to dead stop. We are back to gymnastics and I am only working one job right now as restrictions allow us not to work in multiple facilities. We have been doing a lot of in state travel to outdoor state parks. I am certainly not opposed to meeting new people. I am not comfortable with online dating (I think part of this is self esteem however another part of this is probably childhood trauma and the sexual abuse I was subject to by a neighbor) I do not care for meeting strangers and am pretty cautious about my surroundings. I meet new people through friends and what not. I would like to think I am not sitting around just waiting, other opportunities just have not presented themselves. I do believe if someone else came along I would probably consider it.
HaWho-I have always been honest with the fact that I am not even sure what a healthy relationship looks like so I am not sure what I would want out of one. Every relationship I have been subject to has been messy and not so healthy. I will put some thought into this though. As for courted, I don't mind going out occasionally, however I will be honest the nights I spent just laying around on the couch with him are just fine also. As mentioned above I am typically so busy I am not sure where I am going. I also try not to hang out with him on the nights I have my D. So that is pretty limited time. She is gone one night a week and every third weekend.
Respect- That is a key word I keep coming back to. I have always just pursued and pushed and been extremely available in this R. So I agree I am sure he does not respect me. I would like to earn my respect back. I would like to respect myself first and hopefully that allows him to respect me also.
It is definitely not a pattern I want to teach my daughter. I understand it is what I am teaching her and I need to keep that in mind.
I am choosing to do the work now. I will be calling tomorrow to a few IC to see if I can get something set up. I think this is probably going to be one of the most important steps for me to take. I am not ready to just walk away yet but I will have less contact and see if he does a little bit of the work himself.
Steve- I called yesterday. My first appointment will be for Friday the 26th. Everything is still online so we will see how it goes.
Journaling: I have been working a lot of 2pm-2am shifts because of COVID. It is really messing with my sleep schedule so I feel behind on some of the things around the house. D12 and I spent most of yesterday getting everything back in order. I have had to knock down the tugging feeling to send a message the last few days. Today will be day 14 since I have said anything. I am starting to think he is going to make this extra easy on me and not say a word either. Maybe because when he does I usually try to have a conversation daily after that.
I mentioned I was in nursing school. I am finally done for the summer. I can take my LVN boards. I am pretty proud of myself. One step closer to my end goal.
Today my D12 went with her dad for fathers day as he will work tomorrow overnight. I plan to go somewhere, I am not even sure I have a destination in mind I may just get in the car and drive to stay busy. I seem to do fine not caring when I am busy it is the down time that I want to reach out.
Journaling: Reached out yesterday as it had been two weeks. I had set my goal at 30 days. No idea what made me reach out. Immediately felt it was the wrong choice. However it will hopefully motivate me to stick to another 30 days. The conversation was almost annoying as he was of course drinking again so he couldn't follow along in the conversation and he would just answer with random things.
I am pretty excited to start IC on Friday. I think this is going to be best for me.
I do live next door to my dad and he mentioned something about this friend of ours coming to work on some stuff for him. I may have to be around one time and be gone the next. He can be pretty flakey sometimes so who knows what will happen there.
