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Originally Posted by LH19
I never said you had to slow down the process.

Honestly, you don't have kids together so you don't have to worry about them knowing you pushed it through.

If it can help you move on then I would go for it.



I vacillate between just having it out with him... getting everything off my chest instead of stuffing it down and being done. To trying to reach a place where it emotionally doesn't effect me. To explore what a cooling off period is like - for me? for him? What if we were too hasty? What if it didn't have to come to D?

I think I need to let it sit and at the same time find a way to go about my life not looking over my shoulder.

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Originally Posted by KitCat
I vacillate between just having it out with him... getting everything off my chest instead of stuffing it down and being done.

What reaction are you hoping for? If it's about getting it out so you can let go, writing a letter and then burning it works wonders. I've done that before and so have other forum members.

Originally Posted by KitCat
To explore what a cooling off period is like - for me? for him?

Exploring what "cooling off" looks like for you is fruitful. Exploring what "cooling off" looks like for him sounds futile since he's not interested (jumped right into a PA) and you can't make him.

Originally Posted by KitCat
What if we were too hasty?

Were you or are you too hasty? You don't control his haste.

Originally Posted by KitCat
What if it didn't have to come to D?

He has not filed for D, you have not filed to D. It doesn't have to come to D until one of you files. Of course, he's left you, bought a new home, and has moved on with someone else.



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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by KitCat
I vacillate between just having it out with him... getting everything off my chest instead of stuffing it down and being done.

What reaction are you hoping for? If it's about getting it out so you can let go, writing a letter and then burning it works wonders. I've done that before and so have other forum members.


I have an app that I write this stuff out in so that I'm keeping it to myself and maintaining NC as much as possible. That does help. But, emotionally I feel I'm at a breaking point --- mostly because I have no patience and still have that kick of "desperation" to get on this and fix it now but that's on the same track as trying to be logical with him which we all know to be a farce.

I think right now I just want to shout at him... why???? IDK... I'm a toddler and I throwing a tantrum to get his attention??? Maybe.

I know I need to continue to STFU
Quote

Originally Posted by KitCat
To explore what a cooling off period is like - for me? for him?

Exploring what "cooling off" looks like for you is fruitful. Exploring what "cooling off" looks like for him sounds futile since he's not interested (jumped right into a PA) and you can't make him.[quote]

Yes, thanks for the reminder I do not control him. But, what I meant by "for him" was some serious time and space FROM ME. Giving him his choices.
[quote]
Originally Posted by KitCat
What if it didn't have to come to D?

He has not filed for D, you have not filed to D. It doesn't have to come to D until one of you files. Of course, he's left you, bought a new home, and has moved on with someone else.


The new home was going to happen. The plan was once S18 was out of school we move to his town. Before all this came to a head and I had to kick him out... I stated I would move to his town. That was agreed upon and I owed him that for the very fact he commuted for 10yr. It was my turn to sacrifice. His response was if I did move to his town it would not be in a $200k home (what we have now). As he stated this he was getting up from the table where we were both sitting and walked away. I just agreed that it would not be $200k home.

I also recognized his stress level at the time of all of this coming down was off the charts for him not to mention his sleep deprivation... those things were not helping as it was easy to blame me for everything.

He isn't sleep deprived any longer. And, he is at a place finally in the last 4 weeks where his stress level is coming down. But, I'm sure everyone here having seen these senarios many times over still sees him choosing OW and staying on that path.

I'm saying it out loud now too.. to train my brain... to move forward... to realize a major miracle would have to happen for him to turn back and really look at me.

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My male bff just pointed out to me... I'm legally separated.

He's right. I have the document to prove it.

And, the document actually states that there is hope that the marriage can be saved....

I need to go out and live my life. This is a trial period for us both.

Maybe that's why I'm no longer getting any pressure from him??? He's doing this trial period too.

Maybe I can't grasp the concept that my H is done... but I can get the idea that this is a trial. Maybe I can walk away and let things be and let him feel my absence during this trial. Reframe my thinking.

(FYI male bff doesn't feel my H is coming back so he is not trying to mislead me but trying to point me in a direction where I can be more productive and positive.)

Then maybe once I'm out here in the real world and time goes on... I will think of him less... feel less panicky... start doing the logical thing and not the emotional thing.

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KK,

I really wish you would look into IC and try to work on these problems you are having of letting go. Iím not saying itís easy because itís not but you are clearly suffering because youíre ignoring reality. Itís not because heís sleep deprived. There is absolutely nothing you can do to change the fact that he has moved on with someone new. You can peacock until the cows come home and it will not change anything. Time and space are the only thing that turn these things around long term.

If you want to have it out with him that have it out with him. I just want to warn you that I have never seen that work in 5 plus years here.

You have to forgive yourself and understand that you were doing the best you could at the time. Life sometimes teaches us some tough lessons.


M:51 W:46
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ÔŅĹHappiness equals reality minus expectationsÔŅĹ- Magliozzi
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Sailing. I think that's the ticket. Time to find someone participates in the local regattas and needs crew. I know we always did. Sail through the summer regattas and then figure out the D in the fall.

I say that like I'm all wise and shiitake. Haven't been on a boat myself this season. But its quickly moving up the priority list!

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Originally Posted by ShaneG
Sailing. I think that's the ticket. Time to find someone participates in the local regattas and needs crew. I know we always did. Sail through the summer regattas and then figure out the D in the fall.

I say that like I'm all wise and shiitake. Haven't been on a boat myself this season. But its quickly moving up the priority list!


I'm land locked.... no sailing here.

But, I will find things to do. smile

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Originally Posted by LH19
KK,

I really wish you would look into IC and try to work on these problems you are having of letting go. Iím not saying itís easy because itís not but you are clearly suffering because youíre ignoring reality. Itís not because heís sleep deprived. There is absolutely nothing you can do to change the fact that he has moved on with someone new. You can peacock until the cows come home and it will not change anything. Time and space are the only thing that turn these things around long term.

If you want to have it out with him that have it out with him. I just want to warn you that I have never seen that work in 5 plus years here.

You have to forgive yourself and understand that you were doing the best you could at the time. Life sometimes teaches us some tough lessons.


I don't REALLY want to have it out with him. YES, I just want to be heard but no listening going on there.

Time and space.

^^^Never been my specialty. But, I will say. In my entire life I have never worked so hard on myself for any relationship. When was still living here and he would be gone for 4 days - I never contacted. I left him be to have his space. I can't ever imagine having done that for any other relationship in my life.

Even now, yes there is periodic contact over this/that and I will admit I have made some contact which wasn't necessary... but there have been long stings of no contact in between.

I've never read so many books in my life to address my short comings. How my actions make someone else feel. What actions can I practice to do differently... and I mean practice because they are a wide step from where I am. Other things were a super quick easy fix as it was 100% down to not knowing how disrespectful it came across.

I make a list most days on what I'm grateful for. I sit each evening and decide what I did better for the day and what things made me feel better.

I'm trying things out like "let go and let god". That's a little harder as have never been overly religious so maybe "let go and let universe" is better for me? IDK... that's still a work in progress.

I've spent a lot of time reading about the breakdown of being broke up and doing things as taking them off the pedestal. Understanding why I feel the way I do.

This is not my first romantic loss............. Even one that I really wanted back or a second chance. My biggest skill was pushing people away. So for the first time in my life I'm taking the steps to not make those mistakes. Its so important that I don't make those mistakes. I don't want to do anything that will make this chasm worse.

I'm doing my best to keep swinging the spotlight on me. I'm the prize.

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Originally Posted by KitCat
And, the document actually states that there is hope that the marriage can be saved....


That's just standard separation language. Don't pin your hopes on stuff like that. You really do a lot of grasping at straws! The thing is, there IS hope, just not where you keep looking. The hope is way down the road and a lot has to happen before then. And you know what has to happen because it's been hammered into you here- detach. Let go. Leave him be. Accept that he's done and gone for now and for the near future.

Quote
I need to go out and live my life. This is a trial period for us both.


Yes to the first part. No to the second. It's not a trial period. The M is completely over and done. Your goal is not to resume the M. It's to free yourself from clinging to what is already gone and become the strong and independent person you need to be for you, and that -might- attract him back some day.

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Maybe that's why I'm no longer getting any pressure from him??? He's doing this trial period too.


No he's not doing a trial separation, he's done. He's not applying pressure because he doesn't need to because you've removed a lot (not all, but a lot) of the pressure from him. This happens ALL THE TIME. The LBS steps back and removes pressure, the LBS quits talking about D. It doesn't mean they've changed their mind, they just no longer feel pressured to pursue it.

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Maybe I can't grasp the concept that my H is done...


I think you do struggle with that quite a bit. You're still in a bit of denial about how done he is. Like we keep saying, later, who knows. But for now and a month from now and (probably) a year from now? Done.

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Maybe I can walk away and let things be and let him feel my absence during this trial. Reframe my thinking.


I really want you to change your mindset. Quit doing things hoping it will change his outlook. Just like the above, you say you want to walk away to "let him feel my absence". No, walk away because you need to let go. He's not going to feel your absence, he has all the warm and fuzzy feelings with OW right now. That limerence needs to wear off before he'll start questioning his choices, and that is way down the road.

Let go and move on. Your constantly coming here and hyper-analyzing every little thing he says and does or doesn't say and doesn't do is not helping you move on.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Heading out the door for a road trip!!!

Meeting female bff for some yarn shopping and then ending up at her house for knitting and gal talk.

I know 90% of the time I seem like a crazy hot mess - BUT, this is truly the greatest self improvement project I have ever undertaken.

I'm literally exhausted from reading and watching videos. Parts are hard because I'll flashbacks to 6yr ago over a stupid thing that happened and realize it never had to go that direction. My biggest problem was I would not STFU. While my words said one thing, my actions conveyed feelings of disrespect. You have no idea how much that drives me to rent a billboard with the biggest apology ever... and the self control its been taking to not suddenly text heart felt sorrows and regrets. BUT, I realize that is WHERE I am at.... and apologies are only good if the other person is at a place to accept them. For that reason, I just write it out and keep it safe. In a way I am apologizing to myself... which is a step toward forgiveness.

I'm accepting this place of limbo. Prior to this it was a complete pressure cooker... the constant texts and phone calls over the financial order.

I know that the lack of pursuit in the last 6 weeks over the financial order, attys, and D is solely due to the release of pressure. Having established a new space, new routine, new social settings has created a relaxed place. The line has been drawn in the sand and there is a defined date. If nothing is done a year from that date... its all dropped. Its 9mo off and that seems like a long time I suppose.

But, I'm also feeling a lot less pressure. Not having someone breathe down my neck with angry calls and texts over that order has let me breathe. Its also allowing me to bury my head in the sand pretending that this isn't happening which I know is not good for me at all. I have to realize at some point the ball will be picked back up and there will be forward motion.

For now off to buy yarn.

Last edited by KitCat; 06/20/20 11:41 AM.
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