Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 422
J
JosephS Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 422
Originally Posted by Steve85
All I am suggesting is that you go to email for non-emergency communications. For emergency she calls and leaves a message so you can determine if it is truly an emergency. Cut off the texting. It is your way of holding onto the very end of the rope.


Fair enough. I actually didnít plan on giving her my new number this weekend, but Iím sure sheíd find a way to get it. My issue honestly is what constitutes as an emergency for me and her will be completely different. An emergency for her could be she wanted Taco Bell and the OM didnít get it for her. And seriously, Iím not kidding.

Iíve laid out that I donít want to hear from her unless someone has died, or sheís in the hospital herself. Things of that nature. My boundaries are not and never have been respected. And honestly thatís my fault. I was too chummy with her and way way nice for to long. And that fact I was available at all times sure didnít help. Sheís had basically no consequences to her behavior from me. Even when I blocked her, sheíd find a way to make me feel bad for her. Or my stupidity/wanting her back got in the way of keeping her blocked.

Iíll write an email tonight, just explain all non-emergency contact needs to be done via email and anything thatís an emergency can be left as a voicemail and Iíll get back to her. Actually thatís literally what itíll say.

I just need to stick to it this time regardless of what happens.

On the bright side my kids are having a wonderful time at the Outer Banks with their uncle, aunt and cousins. I get so many videos and pictures from them and they all look so happy. I love it! But at the same time....been kind of nice to have this alone time for myself too. If this week has taught me anything itís the old airplane adage is spot on. I gotta but the oxygen mask on myself first before I can help others.


Me: 37
W: 34
Together 17 years
Married 16 years
5 kids, 17,16,13,12,8
Joined: Jun 2020
Posts: 23
S
New Member
Offline
New Member
S
Joined: Jun 2020
Posts: 23
Just a thought. Will writing the email actually accomplish the goal, or will it just fan the flame on the actions? Just thinking that if you tell her "don't do xyz" then have you given her a tool to get at you?

Alternative, is more personal growth. Ya just gotta learn not to respond. And if a response really is absolutely necessary, then keep it terse.

One other trick someone gave me, because I have a tendency to be very verbose in writing, and things in writing can sometimes come back to haunt you. So I've stopped all texting and emails except as a very terse response. Instead, all my communications have been limited to verbal only. I know conversations can be recorded, but it's much more difficult. An even better option is to send the short audio messages that somehow erase themselves after a couple minutes. Again, I'm sure there is some way to save them, just more difficult.

And finally, if I need to tell her something and don't want to get accidentally engaged in a conversation, then I use an app called SlyDial. It connects straight to the other person's voicemail without their phone ringing. They just suddenly have a voicemail notification pop up on their phone. You are obviously creating a recording, but you are controlling what is said because its basically one-way.

Just my two cents.

Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 422
J
JosephS Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 422
Well I sent the email last night.

Iíd appreciate all future communication to be via email unless itís an emergency. If itís an emergency call and leave a voicemail and Iíll get back to you.

Of course she immediately called. Just said this was stupid. Email is the same as texting and sheíll call or text whenever she wants. Than followed it up with a text saying why canít we just be friends? Why canít you accept I donít love you like that anymore and be my friend.

Didnít respond, though I did smile. Iím getting so much better at being able to tell when sheís starting the manipulation.

On a completely unrelated note. I finished The DR for the 2nd time yesterday. Not to save this marriage but I feel like there is some wonderful advice for the future and future relationships. But man there really does seem to be conflicting advice in that book and on this forum. I canít be the only one whoís noticed this.

One last thing before I head to bed for the day, the woman I was talking to texted me last night too. Just said she knows we arenít suppose to talk but she misses me and doesnít know why. She barely knows me but she canít stop wondering what might have been if I gave it a shot.

I didnít respond, but am chalking it up to the old you want what you canít have way of thinking. But Iíd be lying if I said I hadnít thought the same too. I do wonder what itíd like if we did give it a shot. Oh well. Iím not ready for that yet. Not even close. And neither are my kids. But it does give me hope for the future. A future thatís getting brighter every day.

One more day til the kids comes home and I get my much missed hugs. I canít wait!


Me: 37
W: 34
Together 17 years
Married 16 years
5 kids, 17,16,13,12,8
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,928
Likes: 28
G
Member
Online
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,928
Likes: 28
Wow, this lady is very disrespectful and selfish. And not healthy if she ďmissesĒ you after hanging out once.

You wonder what it would have been like if you gave it a shot? Well, I can tell you exactly how it would go. And it looks a lot like you current sitch.

Iím going to be blunt. If you are wondering what it would have been like if you gave it a shot, and donít see how this is disrespectful and unhealthy, then you really do have a lot of work to do before you begin dating again. Else you will just keep choosing very unhealthy partners .

Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,103
Likes: 14
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,103
Likes: 14
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Wow, this lady is very disrespectful and selfish. And not healthy if she ďmissesĒ you after hanging out once.

You wonder what it would have been like if you gave it a shot? Well, I can tell you exactly how it would go. And it looks a lot like you current sitch.

Iím going to be blunt. If you are wondering what it would have been like if you gave it a shot, and donít see how this is disrespectful and unhealthy, then you really do have a lot of work to do before you begin dating again. Else you will just keep choosing very unhealthy partners .


Exactly what I was thinking.

I would block her texts.

Jospeh, you are in a very difficult situation. You are demanding respect. That is what words are. You need to start commanding respect. That requires action.

I would have reiterated to her that you will ignore texts, and only read emails on your time. Then hung up. And blocked all of her future text messages.

Ex-Ws make terrible friends.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,928
Likes: 28
G
Member
Online
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,928
Likes: 28
Steve, I was talking about this lady friend of his, not his ex. His W is just off the wall.

Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 650
Likes: 14
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 650
Likes: 14
Originally Posted by JosephS
On a completely unrelated note. I finished The DR for the 2nd time yesterday. Not to save this marriage but I feel like there is some wonderful advice for the future and future relationships. But man there really does seem to be conflicting advice in that book and on this forum. I canít be the only one whoís noticed this.


Hi Joseph,
I haven't really read up on your sitch much but I saw this and it caught my eye. There is a ton of conflicting advice from DR to these boards. The tone and use of strategies on this board even a few years ago was different. I've had vets send me to older pages or just getting lost in the pinned posts. There was a lot less hardlining on certain things. I've seen moments where no matter how you can refute it with MHW own words you will be told by some one you are being a doormat or my other favorite emotionally abused. I'll give push back. Some people do. Some essentially say thanks but no thanks. Others take it with a grain of salt and just ignore it. I spend time digging through old stuff or reading through the MLC boards when I'm feeling like I don't know how to reconcile MHW's words with what I'm being told. Or how I feel with what I'm being told. The fact is in crisis, it's all the same. Every one really needs to do the same things, act the same way to make it through. Once you're mostly detached, or things have settled down, or the A has ended, or they come home, or they move out, or what ever it may be at that point you have to start parsing out what's simply best for you.

You have to see these boards as 1) a way to navigate cheese-less tunnels to find the one with cheese and 2) a reflection of what a good therapist would do. You can't keep doing more of the same if it's not working to your benefit whether that's saving the marriage or just surviving a S/D and not bringing this baggage into the next. It's also challenging your thought process. There are a dozen people at any given time reading and thinking on what's going on in your life with totally different life experience, relationship experience, and knowledge that you don't have. That challenging is important to grow. And if nothing else helps you to better establish who you are and what you are and aren't willing to do in this situation. Nothing with this stuff is one size fits all because of the mother of all variables, the human variable. You have to account that no matter how similar some sitches are not a single one of them are actually alike. One of the golden rules around here is take what works for you (you personally, your values, what is best for your mental and emotional well being, and your sitch) and leave what doesn't. You don't have to do everything every single person tells you to do on here. This place isn't the end all be all of DBing. It's just a place to connect with other people who understand what you're going though and a place to develop coping, and navigating strategies, like you're own personal war room for this messy time in your life.


Just always keep in mind, take what works for you leave what doesn't. Good luck. And stay strong.

Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,103
Likes: 14
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,103
Likes: 14
WF, I am going to push back on that a bit.

I think the perceived differences are LBSs not wanting to do the hard work necessary to get them to where they want to be. The "hardlining" is mostly when there is an open PA that the WAS/WS is unabashedly engaging in.....and then trying to have their LBS allow them to cake eat. I saw no where in MWD's writings where she encouraged letting the WAS/WS run over a LBS.

And Joseph's situation is a perfect example of that. A WS. That wants to do whatever she wants, and be loved, liked and respected by her LBS and their shared kids. This behavior not only includes lying and cheating and substance abuse,but physical abuse to the kids. Joseph's sitch is a perfect example of a situation that requires an extremely firm hand! His W, to come back would need to deal with multiple diagnoses. Addiction, emotional and physical abuse, a compunction to sleep with people she is not married to.

It would be unconscionable to tell Joseph, "Just keep DBing and when she is ready to come back, accept her with open arms!" They still have minor children that he would be putting in harm's way!

WF, I am not bashing you because you admit that you do not have the details of his sitch. But is it possible that all situations are different? And that there are situations that require a very firm, hardliner approach?

I get asked all the time, "Steve, how did you get to Ring and piecing with your W?" I always hesitate to answer that because usually the person asking is looking for the magic bullet. The right thing to do or the right thing to say in order to get their spouse to come back. And that simply doesn't exist. If it did, MWD or another author would have written that down and this forum wouldn't exist because 97.5% of all sitches would be solved with that magic bullet.

Another reason there is hardliner advice given here is because so many LBSs come here in a state of denial (note: this is not Joseph). Difficult, blunt, and painful advice is necessary for those LBSs. An example of this is the number of LBSs that come here convinced that their spouse just got fed up and wants to D, but that there is no A going on. Unfortunately, in the vast majority of the cases there is an A, and the signs are all there, but the LBS is to far into denial to see them. No one has saved their MR in a state of denial, and even worse, those same LBS have had the biggest struggle letting go and moving on even when their WAS/WS has moved out, moved in with the AP and even in some cases married their AP.

There are also a lot of situations on this forums where the advice is much more upbeat, and there are signs that things are moving in the right direction. Those threads do not get nearly as much attention because the poster is usually here only for a short time. Most of the sitches that move to Ring and Piecing are never heard from again. That is why so many LBS come here and get depressed because the active sitches tend to end the other direction.

But you are right in general. Posters should feel free to take the advice they think is helpful, and ignore the advice they do not. We all agree to do what works. I've told countless posters, if you do not want me commenting on your sitch simply state it and I will stop and go to threads that want me there.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 338
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 338
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Wow, this lady is very disrespectful and selfish. And not healthy if she ďmissesĒ you after hanging out once.

You wonder what it would have been like if you gave it a shot? Well, I can tell you exactly how it would go. And it looks a lot like you current sitch.

Iím going to be blunt. If you are wondering what it would have been like if you gave it a shot, and donít see how this is disrespectful and unhealthy, then you really do have a lot of work to do before you begin dating again. Else you will just keep choosing very unhealthy partners .


This 100%

This comes back to boundaries. Healthy minded people know their boundaries and stick to them. They also respect other peopleís boundaries or wishes.

Look at your wife and her reply.. she does not respect boundaries and you see this / know this. Why? Because she has issues..

New lady friend.. Red Flags Joe... BIG red flags from day 1, but she is attractive and showing you the attention you desire.. hence you are in a pickle..

Just like the ex, she didnít respect your boundaries to keep her distance.. no respect of your boundaries and too much too soon in relation to the effort she has made.. these type of people prey on damaged people.. why? Because rational and healthy people smell crazy and wouldnít be interested after a date or two.. The type of people who love bomb you like this will not respect boundaries and cast you away just as quickly as they reeled you in. Unless you work on you, expect this to go full circle with another crazy lady.


Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 422
J
JosephS Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 422
Ginger, you are 100% spot on. Itís why I know Iím not ready. I personally thought of it this way. Letís say a few years down the line I was ready to go on a date. Something casual with no real expectations besides having fun, would I pick someone like me? Someone still technically married, a little over 3 months out of BD, with all this baggage thatís happened. Absolutely not!! Iíd want no parts of that.

I still have way to much personal healing to do. I have way to many miles in my shoes to walk. And my kids arenít even close to ready for that too. And my wondering what itís be like to be with her or how it would end up has more to do with missing having a connection with a female thatís my age than to do with the actual person she is. So huge red flag there for myself let alone her. I know Iím not ready or in the right mind frame to have a healthy relationship. And I know she isnít either or sheís desperate to have a man in her life and sees Iím vulnerable and easy pickings. Either way I didnít respond and wonít.

Wayfarer, I absolutely see your point. Thereís parts in the book, and maybe I miss read it, but itís the polar opposite of the advice given on this forum. Iíll re read the one part this evening to make sure Iím not talking out my rear before I say anything for sure, but thereís one part thatís just flat out really?? Lol. I try to take some advice given to me from every poster. But like in real life, everyone here does have a different experience and personality and are willing to tolerate things differently than others.

Steve, you and ginger are both right. My STBXW is ridiculously disrespectful and selfish and more than a few screws are missing and the woman I was talking to is too. Just not necessarily to the same extent. I donít know if anyone could be to the extent my W has been. Iíve grown to much to allow it.

MrBrside...I immediately thought of your more red flags than a Chinese parade the moment I saw you reply. Lol. I honestly donít think Iíll ever forget you saying that. Anyway, I am working on me. And Iím being selfish about it with everyone except my kids. Iím only 37, hopefully I still have a lot of trips left around the sun, no need to rush into anything except a better relationship with myself.


Me: 37
W: 34
Together 17 years
Married 16 years
5 kids, 17,16,13,12,8
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard