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Joined: Dec 2018
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Good Morning U -

Haven't been on here much but stopped by yesterday to update my situation and to catch up on a few others that I have followed. I feel like your situation and mine are very very similar...I have said that before and as you continue to write things I continue to see my situation in the proverbial mirror.

If you read my update you know mine is now finalized. It all happened very quickly. Lots of sabre rattling and lies about my parenting and blah blah blah from the beginning up until the end. Had her parents and friends writing letters to the court about me to put me down. Lies about mental health issues, child abuse, spousal abuse, sexual abuse, etc...every day there was a new story. I am happy it is over. I am sad that it had to be this way...i did the best i knew how to diffuse the situation but nothing worked. Being under the thumb of a legal system and being forced to 'prove' yourself over and over again to the court to disprove false allegations gets old in a hurry and is very expensive.

In the end I sacrificed a little bit and she feels she 'won' and is bragging to her friends about defeating the 'big bad evil man'. Every situation is different and I am not advising you to sacrifice in order to end it. But that is how it happened for me. I have to leave with the military...so I sent a proposal and if it wasn't accepted I was enacting the servicemember civil relief act and she would not have been able to do anything legally for the next 9 months including moving in with her internet BF. Guess that was motivation to finally settle.

Stand your ground and fight for what you know is right; but also know that the juice isn't always worth the squeeze. It is such a tremendous relief to be done with it all; although that can be a mirage that gets one to settle for less and then be upset in the future. Do what is best for you and the kids. I don't feel like I got a raw deal...mostly because I have my life fully in my own hands now...not waiting for the next accusation of abuse or mal-treatment or whatever story she made up that day. In the end for her it was about getting the most child support and nothing else. It is quite sad that in my situation it is just about money and not about doing what is best for the kids...on her front anyway.

I hope for your sake it doesn't drag on for another year plus. That is just so stressful...even if you are living a good life and happy...it is stressful to have all of those unknowns hanging out there. Never knowing when you'll be ambushed again. It makes life difficult for sure.

Hang in there friend. You've made tremendous progress throughout your time on this board and whatever happens I suspect you'll be just fine in life.


Me40; W38; S12; D9
BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18
D Final 7/2020
Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
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LB - thanks so much for posting.

You perfectly described my life. She has ramped up the false accusations to an alarming degree. I have chosen only to exchange our kids in a public place. When people make these allegations it is ďguilty until proven innocentĒ to a degree. It is a daily nightmare but Iíve learned to live with it. One of my friends went through this about 5 years ago and said he still worries she may file false allegations again.

I am about to hopefully have some good news regarding time with my kids. After that, I still have a lot of financial issues to deal with (her refusal to work, burying herself in the marital home) and will have to decide if the juice is worth the squeeze. Iíve probably got 6 more months on that front.

About 4 months ago I made a settlement offer which would have wrapped everything up at almost no cost. I gave way on several items (not kids). She responded with a move away threat. Crazy. All this money going to lawyers instead of our kids.

A couple weeks ago in a mediation session she made new allegations. Flat out made up things. It is scary. I canít wait to be out of this. Iím grateful that my lawyer mapped this out well.

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Yes I understand completely where you are at...even without specifics. I lived under a rock for 18 months in fear of her bringing more allegations to the table. Eventually I figured out that calling her bluff needed to happen...she didn't follow through with the threats and allegations...because she had no proof.

She was simply doing it to try to prevent me from getting any extra time with the kids...because then she gets less child support. What she refuses to acknowledge is I would pay her the same support even if I got the kids 50% of the time...because its not about money to me. But that is all she can see.

Now that it is finalized...I haven't heard from her in weeks. Its been refreshing to not have to defend myself from "you were 2 minutes late getting the kids; if you don't want to spend time with them just let me know", "S12 has a scratch on his leg; did you take him to the hospital? If not explain your actions.", and other similar things intended to file in court to show I'm a bad parent that doesn't care to see his kids. As soon as she got her money...the fight stopped.

Hopefully you're able to close out your case soon...the stress levels go way down when you do. That was my experience anyway.

We went back and forth on settlement offers for months. I got so sick of hearing what she was 'entitled' to because she was the 'victim' and how the judge would side with her if I didn't do what she wanted. She is a very good manipulator and only recently have I been able to see through her manipulation attempts.

I did not try mediation although that was the next step in trying to get a settlement.

Best thing I can advise...stop living in fear...its a terrible place to be as you've shown above. Stop living in fear of what she *might* do, stop living in fear of debt or housing in the future, stop living in fear of being single, stop worrying that friends or family might think negatively of you, continue taking the high road, and do what you know is right. Do what you've got to do. Stay strong!!


Me40; W38; S12; D9
BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18
D Final 7/2020
Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
Joined: May 2019
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LB ~ I relate in so many ways. The scratch story is almost word for word what I have faced over and over and over again. One day when things are more wrapped up I will post some of the more interesting stories here... there are some good ones. (One of my favorites: when she asked, in mediation, for a pedicure in return for "maintaining the marital home" -- which I was paying the full mortgage for).

There are a couple different factors in my situation that led me down the legal path. I did try mediation for a few months, but it went absolutely nowhere. I think money is a huge motivating factor, but there are other things at play. One of her family members went through a D where the X did make violent threats. My STBXW wants to move away. She wants to keep the marital home. She wants final say and control over anything related to the children.

As a friend of mine who went through this always tells me, "It's about her narrative." As long as she plays the victim, I will be the monster and subject to false allegations. At least through the legal process I will get some protection soon.

People have told me to "just ignore her" but the fact is... when you are accused of abuse, there is a presumption of guilt. You have to defend yourself and explain, no matter how false or exaggerated or outlandish the accusations. It has happened in front of 5 different mandatory reporters by now. There is a perpetual fear of losing your children. It is NOT a fun process, and it isn't just a "shrug it off" kind of thing. As soon as these people hear an accusation, you are on the hot seat and you have to explain yourself, no matter how outrageous or minimal the accusation.

I stopped living in fear about 4 months ago when I stepped up and confronted the issue. Mediation didn't work. I knew the legal process would be painful and expensive, but I am so happy I went this way.

I'm really happy for you to be out of the atmosphere of fear. I'll be there soon, and I already feel much lighter on my feet.

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I hear you loud and clear on feeling the need to defend yourself. I felt like had to do the same for almost 19 months. Its definitely tough on a day to day and it sounds like you're doing a good job of handling it. Just know that it likely won't stop until those final papers are signed. I probably spent $50k on attorneys, psychiatrists, alcohol counselors...all to prove that I didn't have the problems I was accused of. After those initial accusations then it was always something new...but in the end it was all about money. I ONLY did what the judge/court/my attorney recommended though. If the judge didn't think I needed to do anything then I didn't do anything. There were plenty of accusations that were clearly unfounded and he just let them go without any required action from me. My attorney also recommended to me when to act and when to just let it go. It took me a while to let go of my need to respond to everything for fear of losing the kids.

My XW also had a friend in her ear that had a violent ex...like pulling trees out of the yard with his truck at 2am and all sorts of things. Unfortunately she believed that I was capable of acting like that...no matter the proof otherwise.

Mine didn't want me to have any decision making capability for the kids at all...healthcare, school, legal, or anything else. But because I went through the pains of getting all those appointments done and had all the paperwork...in the end she knew she didn't have a leg to stand on and she relented. We have joint decision making on everything and if we disagree then it gets settled via the legal process and mediation.

I feel for you brother...this is a tough thing to go through for anyone. I hope you're able to get some resolution and finality...in the meantime keep controlling what you can...your actions, reactions, and emotions. I say that multiple times a day even now that I am done with all of that.

I read somewhere that 95% of all cases settle without going to court. I thought for sure i was going to be one of the 5% but we wound up settling in the end. I hope you can achieve a deal you're happy with and be able to move forward from this soon. In the meantime be the best dad you can be and be the best man you can be...its all you can do.


Me40; W38; S12; D9
BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18
D Final 7/2020
Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,559
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Thanks LB. I am hopeful for a good legal outcome.

My W keeps insisting we go to coparenting counseling, even though at every turn in front of a mediator or mandatory reporter she lobs as many accusations at me as possible. I badly want to support our children -- I also have zero trust in my W right now. I believe coparenting counseling will be a fiasco until her actions and behaviors change.

It is also funny how her lawyers paint me as an awful person. As an example, because I believe she should start going back to work as she is fully capable (she used to make a 6-figure salary with ease), they paint me as some financially controlling monster who has no empathy for her difficult circumstances. I'm paying almost 5 figures in monthly support in the meantime and maxing out credit cards just to survive, but I am controlling... These things used to bother me, especially as someone who cared so much that other people thought I was a good person. Now I see through the game -- it is just how family law goes. I'm going to be free of this nightmare eventually and won't be looking back.

It used to bother me if people disapproved of me. I used to have anxiety about confrontation. I used to feel things were entirely my fault even if I knew intellectually that was not true. This whole process feels like exposure therapy to help me confront my issues.

I can tell things will get resolved legally in the next several months, and I should relax a little bit and let things run their course.

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Yikes... I've been there with the false allegations. The important thing to remember is that it will all come out in the wash. I get the "guilty until proven innocent" thing, because that's just the way society is sometimes. But I assure you, everyone in your life that matters will know the truth in the end. She is trying to get a rise out of you. It would be great for her if you flew off the handle and furiously denied the accusations. I learned to just kind of chuckle, roll my eyes, and sarcastically say "OK" with a smile with each new accusation. Eventually people see who the crazy one really is...


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
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Feelings hitting me hard the last 24 hours. Thankfully I have IC later today.

I have to keep this purposefully vague.

Allegations, false or not, are so powerful in family law. I knew my STBXW would never back down, and would hold them over my head (somehow she claims this was not her intent).

In the end, I have to swallow a deal. I get the time with my kids that was recommended by all evaluators, but I have to wait a half a year. It is completely arbitrary.

I should be thrilled honestly. The allegations are buried. That part of my life will be over. No more living in fear. Even though STBXW has not had to accept any responsibility for alienating the children, harassing me, or anything else from the last 14 months... I should be happy.

Now I have to face the financial part of this D and I fully accept STBXW to make this part just as difficult. And in the end I don't expect anything to be "fair" based on how these things go.

I know how my emotions work. The heaviness of the above is leaking into how I view everything else. I'm tired of COVID. I'm tired of being home alone every day. I'm tired of feeling like I'm living in a temporary house. I'm tired of the stress of my situation affecting my job performance. I'm tired of the burden of it all... paying for everything while I'm dragged through the mud by slimy lawyers, by STBXW - her subtle implications to my kids' school, or therapist... I'm absolutely exhausted by this process. I know why people back down. I didn't back down, and I never would have. But I am so emotionally spent. I am running on empty.

I KNOW this is histrionic and that once I process what just happened that the brightness will return and things won't feel so heavy. For today, it's rough seas.

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Hey Un,

So sorry you are struggling man. As you said, brighter days are ahead, it just [censored] waiting for them.

I have no advice other than to allow yourself the time to process things. I remember it well when I was going through this with my ex-wife (not my most recent ex). Everything felt so unsettled and I really burnt myself out worrying all the time. And that feeling followed me like a dark cloud.

On a positive note - looking back, I'm grateful for those times when I couldn't see the light. Those were the times that really helped me grow the most as a person. It was during those times I finally learned that I could handle life's curve-balls, that while it wasn't what I wanted, I was going to be ok and be stronger as a result.

I'm really looking forward to seeing your big comeback, stronger and wiser than ever.

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Thanks T. I think you are right, it's normal to have some heavy feelings right now, I should just let it sit for a bit.

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