Light at the end of the tunnel

[unchien]

Thanks IW.

I'm officially in a high-conflict D. It's bad. Doing my best to keep the kids sheltered from the conflict.

I know both parties will say "it's not me" but honestly... it's not me!

I always thought people in these situations act out like the couple in "War of the Roses"... fighting over every little minor thing. That's just not the case for us.

What this is, and why I hope my story is useful for others here right now, is a fight over "the truth." And isn't that what every LBS/WAS situation comes down to?

My WAW has a narrative: I'm a monster. She's a victim. Full stop.

I have my own narrative. My W resents me for moving. She has rewritten the last 4-5 years of our life to blame me 100% for her unhappiness.

Whenever it appears we might resolve an issue in our D, my W will come with NEW allegations, overblown exaggerations from the past, and on and on. It's stunning and honestly scary, and I never know what's coming next. It seems manipulative and calculated most of the time, although I tend to think what is happening is that she has grabbed on so tightly to her narrative to justify her actions that letting go would be akin to self-annihilation.

I used to care about what she thought. I used to hope we could at least communicate better so we could co-parent effectively and give our kids a chance. I gave up months ago. It's not up to me. I'll keep acting in accordance to my values, and leave the door open (for co-parenting, not R, just to be clear). But I won't be looking over my shoulder. It's sad for our kids, but it takes two.

At one point in mediation a few months back my W said "I believe you can redeem yourself" or something to that effect. That is the moment I knew I no longer cared about her narrative. It was so patronizing. I don't know care what happened to her as a child, or in previous relationships, or whether she has a MLC or a hormonal imbalance, or some medical condition. I don't believe the things she says to me. She apologized recently to me, in person, for the first time I can recall, and all I could think was, "She only apologized because her lawyer told her to."

I sound a bit angry. I guess I am, although I don't really obsess about it or act upon it. I'm okay with my anger. I know I made mistakes in our MR, and I take responsibility for my part. But this D process is absolutely ridiculous at this point. I accepted my MR was over almost a year ago, after a lot of grieving. Now I'm incredibly grateful to the universe for extricating myself from a MR with this person. Not just because of the discord, which may dissipate over a period of years, but because I see things for what they are... she is an uncompromising person who has no skills to work through conflict. I saw it during our MR with her relationships with family, friends, colleagues. I just didn't realize at some point that laser focus would be directed my way. It's more important to her to drag me through the mud than to support our children. That's not on me. Perhaps one day I'll forgive, but I'll never forget.

[ATLGuy13]

I'm not a seasoned legal divorce expert or anything of the sort, but a few things stand out. You might already know these things, or I could be off base.

"My WAW has a narrative: I'm a monster. She's a victim. Full stop."
As you know, by not using mediation (I'm not sure if you're still trying) both people are basically saying, "we can't be trusted to agree on day to day decisions, so could the judge/nanny state make them for us." So you get hardline decisions that might include only using that one doctor, or only parent pays for college etc. That's not to say that's how it will go with your D, but that's a hurdle you'll need to clear. That is to say, we can't agree because she's nuts. That said, it is my understanding that going into divorce court with a victim mentality is a sure fire way to embarrass yourself. Let her continue to do this.

You mentioned in a previous post that she has poor relations with her family. Could they come to your side? That happens.

"She apologized recently to me, in person, for the first time I can recall, and all I could think was, "She only apologized because her lawyer told her to."

Lawyers never tell their client to apologize before trial. That's not to say she was definitely sincere. I'd doubt it too.

[rooskers]

U~

I am so glad to see your growth. Hang in there and you will come out fine in the end. I remember each time a new accusation came from my EX it was simply astonishing and emotionally devastating. I was accused of rape, fraud, child neglect, physical abuse, emotional abuse, using D14 as a weapon against her ... and so much more. It wasn't until June that the judge finally made a ruling and it ended finding me innocent of everything. Meanwhile half of the things I was accused of, she was doing to either me or D14. I also lost some friends because they believed her or took her side. I came to a point where I realized they were never really my friend if they truly believed I was capable of any of those things. I cut them from my life and have never had a regret.

You are doing amazing!

[wooba]

Now I'm incredibly grateful to the universe for extricating myself from a MR with this person. Not just because of the discord, which may dissipate over a period of years, but because I see things for what they are... she is an uncompromising person who has no skills to work through conflict. I saw it during our MR with her relationships with family, friends, colleagues. I just didn't realize at some point that laser focus would be directed my way. It's more important to her to drag me through the mud than to support our children. That's not on me. Perhaps one day I'll forgive, but I'll never forget.

You sound strong and sure in your position and you've come such a long way. Seeing things for what they really are truly gives you a sense of freedom doesn't it? The key is like what you said - the universe is freeing you from this person who is not worthy of your love and time. The process may be difficult and painful, you will get to the other side. Wishing you the best of luck!

[IronWill]

Thanks IW.

I'm officially in a high-conflict D. It's bad. Doing my best to keep the kids sheltered from the conflict.

I know both parties will say "it's not me" but honestly... it's not me!

I always thought people in these situations act out like the couple in "War of the Roses"... fighting over every little minor thing. That's just not the case for us.

What this is, and why I hope my story is useful for others here right now, is a fight over "the truth." And isn't that what every LBS/WAS situation comes down to?

My WAW has a narrative: I'm a monster. She's a victim. Full stop.

I have my own narrative. My W resents me for moving. She has rewritten the last 4-5 years of our life to blame me 100% for her unhappiness.

I'm sorry to hear that, U.

You are doing the right thing by keeping your kids sheltered - good!

Motivational post inbound: Remember - it's her drama. It's her problem. You are not involved in that problem or that drama. That is not your reality and that is not your responsibility anymore - you keep even and steady and strong in the hurricane. Let your kids see how strong you are. Don't let W get to you. It's not your crisis or whatever. Be AMOAFWL.

Whenever it appears we might resolve an issue in our D, my W will come with NEW allegations, overblown exaggerations from the past, and on and on. It's stunning and honestly scary, and I never know what's coming next. It seems manipulative and calculated most of the time, although I tend to think what is happening is that she has grabbed on so tightly to her narrative to justify her actions that letting go would be akin to self-annihilation.

Don't mind-read, its wasting your time. be steady and strong

I used to care about what she thought. I used to hope we could at least communicate better so we could co-parent effectively and give our kids a chance. I gave up months ago. It's not up to me. I'll keep acting in accordance to my values, and leave the door open (for co-parenting, not R, just to be clear). But I won't be looking over my shoulder. It's sad for our kids, but it takes two.

At one point in mediation a few months back my W said "I believe you can redeem yourself" or something to that effect. That is the moment I knew I no longer cared about her narrative. It was so patronizing. I don't know care what happened to her as a child, or in previous relationships, or whether she has a MLC or a hormonal imbalance, or some medical condition. I don't believe the things she says to me. She apologized recently to me, in person, for the first time I can recall, and all I could think was, "She only apologized because her lawyer told her to."

Who knows why she apologized. Compassionate indifference. Distance - leave her to her crisis as much as you can. Spinning those thoughts is a cheeseless tunnel.

I sound a bit angry. I guess I am, although I don't really obsess about it or act upon it. I'm okay with my anger. I know I made mistakes in our MR, and I take responsibility for my part. But this D process is absolutely ridiculous at this point. I accepted my MR was over almost a year ago, after a lot of grieving. Now I'm incredibly grateful to the universe for extricating myself from a MR with this person. Not just because of the discord, which may dissipate over a period of years, but because I see things for what they are... she is an uncompromising person who has no skills to work through conflict. I saw it during our MR with her relationships with family, friends, colleagues. I just didn't realize at some point that laser focus would be directed my way. It's more important to her to drag me through the mud than to support our children. That's not on me. Perhaps one day I'll forgive, but I'll never forget.

Understanding may never come. It's ok to be angry. Just don't show it to the kids. At some point things will smooth over and you will have to co-parent with this person for a long time. Best to stand firm with your boundaries, but also to try and mitigate the damage on your side of the street if at all possible. You can't control what she does, but you can control what you do

You sound so strong now U - good on you! Keep going, keep being AMOAFWL and the best dad ever (which you already are)

Take care, man - stay strong

[unchien]

As you know, by not using mediation (I'm not sure if you're still trying) both people are basically saying, "we can't be trusted to agree on day to day decisions, so could the judge/nanny state make them for us."

Yep, and I am comfortable with this. As background, we spent 6 months in co-parenting counseling post-S (in 2019) and then 3 months in mediation. My W showed zero willingness to compromise, and any time I tried to get any sort of movement towards my viewpoint, she would immediately raise allegations and get worked up and emotional.

She hasn't returned to work in a year. She wouldn't budge on the children. She's tried to move away with the children.

What I have been primarily asking for is basically what a judge/nanny state is likely to grant. I am 100% positive this is the best path forward for me at this point. It's a waste of resources and really sad that we can't work together, but I will always feel like I tried very hard to pursue all other reasonable avenues.

You mentioned in a previous post that she has poor relations with her family. Could they come to your side? That happens.

Possibly. I was mostly noting it as a pattern of her black and white thinking and inability to work through conflict.

Both my W and I come from what I would call "emotionally immature" families, immature in different ways. In my case, my father was emotionally distant (due to a disastrous D in his first marriage) and my mother has some sort of personality disorder issue which I won't go into for brevity's sake. My W's parents met in high school, and they still act like high schoolers. They argue and then don't talk to each other for weeks. They are highly emotional people and often throw reason to the wind to justify their actions made in anger or distress.

I see my W aligning herself with family members she previously had cut off. Just an observation.

I remember each time a new accusation came from my EX it was simply astonishing and emotionally devastating. I was accused of rape, fraud, child neglect, physical abuse, emotional abuse, using D14 as a weapon against her ... and so much more. It wasn't until June that the judge finally made a ruling and it ended finding me innocent of everything. Meanwhile half of the things I was accused of, she was doing to either me or D14. I also lost some friends because they believed her or took her side. I came to a point where I realized they were never really my friend if they truly believed I was capable of any of those things. I cut them from my life and have never had a regret.

Roosk ~ I'm sorry you went through all this. As I've posted here and followed your situation, I always thought it sounded crazy and imagined my situation would never get to that point. Now I'm seeing the same things happening. I never in a million years thought my W would have been capable of this, but here we are. It happens. I'm sure you also were stunned.

Do you ever wonder if you should have been able to detect your XW was capable of these things earlier? In my case, I always knew my W was uncompromising and controlling to a degree. But I thought at the time she was "driven" and a "self-starter" and admired her confidence. Now I think she has an inability to take responsibility for her actions and lacks self-awareness. I know these situations can be "he said, she said" but the accusations have reached a level of craziness that is completely astonishing.

Seeing things for what they really are truly gives you a sense of freedom doesn't it?

Completely.

This process has been life-changing for me. I know that there is no objective "truth" but I am confident and self-assured and I'm not going to question my reality the way I used to.

Motivational post inbound: Remember - it's her drama. It's her problem. You are not involved in that problem or that drama. That is not your reality and that is not your responsibility anymore - you keep even and steady and strong in the hurricane. Let your kids see how strong you are. Don't let W get to you. It's not your crisis or whatever. Be AMOAFWL.

One thing I am proud of is that I'm good about keeping this away from my kids, and I'm letting my W spin. Unfortunately I do have to work through the legal issues at hand and engage at that level.

From everyone involved (therapists, lawyers, etc.) I can probably expect it to take another year or more before my W and I can really start co-parenting effectively. It is sad for my children. I will of course keep trying and keep my kids out of the drama. I'll hope for sooner but at the moment I have zero confidence my W is ready to engage at a reasonable level.

Who knows why she apologized. Compassionate indifference. Distance - leave her to her crisis as much as you can. Spinning those thoughts is a cheeseless tunnel.

Definitely. I don't want to give the impression I am obsessing over these things. I am curious.

You sound so strong now U - good on you! Keep going, keep being AMOAFWL and the best dad ever (which you already are)

Thanks IW - I'm trying to be a "good enough" dad haha.

[rooskers]

Do you ever wonder if you should have been able to detect your XW was capable of these things earlier? In my case, I always knew my W was uncompromising and controlling to a degree. But I thought at the time she was "driven" and a "self-starter" and admired her confidence. Now I think she has an inability to take responsibility for her actions and lacks self-awareness. I know these situations can be "he said, she said" but the accusations have reached a level of craziness that is completely astonishing.

There were red flags that she could do this but I did not look at them because I loved her. She never had a good relationship with her parents, brother, or really had any long-lasting friends. I met her in college because my roommate was dating her best friend. Her best friend never wanted to go alone so would bring my EX over and we ended up getting to know each other. The friendship blossomed into much more even when my roommate broke up with my EX's best friend. One day her best friend and her just stopped talking and my EX never explained why. Anytime I was with my EX and we saw her old friend she would glare at my EX and shoot lightning from her eyes. I found that would happen a lot to my EX, she would make friends and then one day they would mysteriously never talk or associate with her again. She would always claim she had no idea why that would happen. She is the most bubbly, exciting, driven, energetic, happy person I have ever met. The only problem is if you turn your back she would stick a knife in you and watch you die the whole time with a smile on her face or tell you how sorry she is for having to kill you.

[unchien]

Rooskers ~ Thanks for the response.

My EX has a similar history of having very close friends and then having the relationship completely implode. Or sometimes she lets those people back in, even after they have treated her poorly. Lately, in our D, I have noticed her drawing near to people who she used to bad-mouth about all the time.

When she does have close friends, it is a warm relationship. She is not cold and mean to everybody all the time. Sounds similar to your case.

I don't obsess about this, but it does boggle my mind how this happens. I always knew there were high-conflict D's, but figured one of the people was "crazy" or "vindictive" or "calculating" and whoever married that person was naive and gullible. I don't think I'll ever really understand, and I'm okay with that.

Anyways... it's full-blown L time for the next few months for me while we sort this out.

[unchien]

Journal ~

I'm feeling a mix of feelings lately. A little bit overwhelmed, a little melancholy.

I've been living in a lot of fear the last year. More recently, I've felt very positive about how things are progressing and I see light at the end of the tunnel. But now that things might resolve... I'm overwhelmed.

Home-schooling 2 little kids while watching a third while I WFH... global pandemic... little support system (I know, this is up to me to work on, but the pandemic does not make it easy).

I never mentioned this here before but I dipped my toes into the dating pool a bit in the past several months. Looking back I should have waited before starting, although there were a lot of positives from the experience. At the time I didn't really believe what people told me -- I figured a single dad with 3 little kids was not going to have much luck in the area I live in. But I went on a couple dates and it was a really positive experience. It was nice to connect with women going through similar experiences in their lives. I ended up dating a woman who also had 3 kids for a couple months, then realized we were not on the same timetable and parted ways amicably. I wasn't truly ready for a relationship to progress at that time.

I realized many positive things. Most importantly, I need to be solid and grounded in myself to be a healthy relationship partner. And a close second -- I do not need to settle.

[IronWill]

Journal ~

I'm feeling a mix of feelings lately. A little bit overwhelmed, a little melancholy.

I've been living in a lot of fear the last year. More recently, I've felt very positive about how things are progressing and I see light at the end of the tunnel. But now that things might resolve... I'm overwhelmed.

Home-schooling 2 little kids while watching a third while I WFH... global pandemic... little support system (I know, this is up to me to work on, but the pandemic does not make it easy).

Overwhelmed is an appropriate word, I think. The pandemic is something none of us were prepared for and could not have predicted. I keep forgetting - then it dawns on me that that is a big part of the background drama ongoing in all of this.

This is part of why I am simifying everything. I want calm and peace in the middle of all this chaos. Let the rest of the world go rushing ahead in their mega-yacht and crash full speed into the reef. I'm content with my little sailboat.

I never mentioned this here before but I dipped my toes into the dating pool a bit in the past several months. Looking back I should have waited before starting, although there were a lot of positives from the experience. At the time I didn't really believe what people told me -- I figured a single dad with 3 little kids was not going to have much luck in the area I live in. But I went on a couple dates and it was a really positive experience. It was nice to connect with women going through similar experiences in their lives. I ended up dating a woman who also had 3 kids for a couple months, then realized we were not on the same timetable and parted ways amicably. I wasn't truly ready for a relationship to progress at that time.

Everyone has to do what they feel is right - so take what I write with a grain of salt.

Part of reason I'm not interested in dating is that I am not sure I would be able to separate my attachment issues from wanting to be in a new R.

Another part of it is because it complicates my life tenfold at a time where I'm still dealing with the fallout from decades of buried trauma.

The other part is that I just don't want to.

Again, that's just my take.

Take care U - stay strong.