My W has really dug her heels in on every position at this point. It's sad to watch so much of what we saved and worked for go towards legal expenses, instead of our futures and our kids' futures.
As a brief synopsis: She is trying to buy me out of our home, but she doesn't have a reasonable offer on the table (she wanted to use the kids' college funds!). She has not gone back to work yet, even though we separated a year ago. She continues to fight any change to our existing timeshare. And on all 3 points, it is clear that the legal process is going to work in my favor.
I understand some D's become very high-conflict. This is just a snapshot in time. But man... I am really happy I am not going to be spending the rest of my life with this woman. Her inability to communicate, her manipulative methods to try to get her way... it's shocking. My L is shocked. Although we now share joint custody, she continues to argue that the children should not have local medical care, but instead should continue to see doctors from hometown. It's crazy how even the most minor things become flashpoints. I know she may not be this way forever. But some of her behaviors -- the subtle gaslighting and manipulation and control -- have always been there to a degree.
Now that I've been standing up for myself for awhile, it's interesting to watch her struggle to adapt to this new dynamic. She keeps going back to her bag of tricks, and I feel... indifferent. I see somebody who has no interest in understanding my point of view, somebody who seems very entitled, and somebody who hasn't accepted that she cannot pick and choose the aspects of our MR that she wants to keep.
Emotionally I'm feeling great. I know this is a financial disaster, and I see signs that I will need to work to repair some of the damage with my son as he and his mother have a very "special" relationship right now. Life could be worse. I'm going to make the best of it. I've been working out a ton in my garage, and go surfing as much as I can - I think I finally found my passion hobby.
I used to be a heavy planner. I planned out my retirement, I thought about how much money I would need. Now... I have no idea where life is going to take me, and I'm excited specifically BECAUSE I don't know. I'm fortunate that I'm pretty sure I'll survive financially and get through this, and I don't take that for granted. Other than that, I'm in good healthy so are my kids, I live in a beautiful place, I get to do things I like to do, and I'm a much happier person than I was the prior 40 years of my life.
unchien, great update. I like your standing up for yourself and you indifference to her bag of tricks. Great 180s there, and you are to be commended.
Unfortunately, D always has been and always will be a financial disaster. Anyway you slice it. Even if you gave in and let her have everything she wants it would still be a net financial loss. It does suck, no doubt about that. But you will come out of this with your head held high, having a great level of respect for yourself, and she will respect you too. Even if she doesn't like you, and if your pocketbook is lighter.
Better to be happy and broke, than miserable and rich.
Onward and upward!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Unchien, it's great to see you taking charge! Hope your lawyer finds you a less costly path through this, but if it has to be expensive, I agree your kids and your relationship with them is worth it.
Hey U, hope you're continuing to kick A despite the circumstances. I was recommended the book "Splitting" to help with high conflict divorces. Its mainly for spouses with NPD or BPD, which at times many WWs seem to fit the mold. Whether theyve the conditions or not. Anyway, as I read through it, I see our sitchs left and right and got me thinking about you. It could be worth looking in to if you want a few answers. Where you are in the process it may not be as helpful but still an interesting read.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
My D situation has devolved big-time and I'm looking at another 6 months minimum to resolve this D. The day-to-day legal details are interesting (I feel like I could write a book about some of the crazy things happening - I wish I could share here but I'm hesitant while the legal proceedings continue) and do consume a significant part of my attention each day. But I'm not obsessive about it. I have a big week coming up here on that front, and hope things go well. But if they don't, I'll keep my head up and go forward from there.
A few months ago I started on an SSRI (non-addictive) for anxiety. It was a difficult choice for me to make, but has made a huge difference in my life. I knew someone else taking this medication, asked many questions, and decided to ask my doctor to try it. We don't talk much on the boards about medications, probably for good reason, but I wanted to share my experience a bit in case it helps others.
I don't feel like a different person. Mostly, I find myself spending a lot less time in mental ruts - obsessive, negative, worrying thinking patterns. I approach life with more equanimity. The techniques I've learned here and in IC come much more naturally. It feels liberating -- I realize how debilitating my anxiety has been not just in the past year, but in my life.
I think it was very important for me to work on myself first (IC, CBT, meditation, etc.) before trying medication. Now that my anxiety has lessened, I am able to focus on other issues in IC and I am making a lot of headway there also.
I'm hoping this is a temporary help to get me through a difficult phase. If not, I'm okay with that.
Taking care of yourself in positive ways, after careful thought and research, is always a good thing, my friend. Taking a treatment for a condition so you can move forward to your best life with confidence is not the same as numbing out. Well done.
Yesterday was a big day. A really really really big day.
There were some developments leading me to have high hopes that my situation with my children will move forward within the next month. Part of me is thrilled, relieved.
I also saw how far my STBXW was willing to go with accusations. Part of me is stunned, sad, angry.
Part of me is cautious and wary. I don't really trust that good news will come, even though I have strong indications. I don't believe it.
And part of me is just absolutely utterly exhausted from the past year-plus. I'm so mentally and emotionally tired of living under the microscope.
I have so many mixed emotions rattling around. Big emotions. But I feel completely okay for now handling them, observing things and letting them settle down. Meanwhile I'm in a semi-state of shock.
It's possible my STBXW is going to make things even worse. I'll face that if it comes. The things I heard yesterday were truly appalling. But I handled myself calmly and assertively. No way I could have done that a year ago.
I'm glad to hear that your situation is moving forward again.
It's a good idea to not react. It works wonders for any and all situations, I have found. It keeps you off the chaos train.
Try not to have any expectations. The future will be what the future will be. You've done the best that you possibly could given an almost impossible situation.
Let those words and accusations be her reality. They are not yours.
And finally - I'm right there with you on the exhaustion-o-meter, man. 100 percent.
