WW post D (Thanks BenB part 4)

[Mumin]

Hey everyone, Its been a while!

Been reading the forums almost every day but much hasnt changed (till this past week) and I havnt gotten around to journal. (Also, I had been journaling abit to myself but my phone broke so I dont recall everything.)
Anyway, summer vacations was really nice but from time to time things felt off.
Spent some really good times with the kids and my parents as well as a 10 day to myself.
W apparently went abroad (pretty sure with whom she went but didnt ask anything).
I maintain about 3-4 HEAVY weightlifting sessions a week. People are noticing.
Sitch highlights since last time:
* Since W brought NOTHING up the past few months I just said I was going to look at the house I mentioned here earlier. It eas nice but Id prefer to stay in my current house and it got her talking. So we agreed its best if I buy here share fo the house but I have been clear bout it not being at market price. I went and found a lawyer that is willing to do the remaining paperwork at a fixed price. W agreed two days ago to proceed. Now we must agree on the main posts of the asset list, House, Cars, Loans. Then We'll be DONE!

* W thinks she can get a 4-room apartment but she hasnt even spoken to the bank yet...
This shows how juvenile she is. I don't believe she is Wayward anymore but it seems she still hasn't realized whats actually happening. She has definitely not done ANY work on herself (Yet).

* W claims she is going to talk to a therapist. But she also said she told her dad to find her one. I believe nothing she says.

* D6 started elementary school and we are actually co-parenting pretty well. She did a huge cleaning of the house and made a list of all the clothes and equipment that we need to get for the kids.

* Second day after vacation W got angry because she didn't think I would be staying in the house while she is here anymore. What the F is she thinking??? I basically said " Thinks will remain as they were before vacations, and so you know my brother is selling his apartment so I cant really stay there right now".
Also, while eating dinner together D3 asked to hear her new favorite song. These are some of the lyrics :
"Do you really think he cares for you?"
"Its been a year since we broke up. Isnt there anything that you miss about me?"
"Do you think he cares for you? The way I care for you?"
W actually shed a tear during that dinner. Very strange at the table but I laughed really hard after.

* It is hard living under the same roof. Detachment gets hit and we are talking ordinary thing a bit too much (she initiates). This has been the main driver for me to force the remaining paper work. I want to move on.

[sandi2]

W apparently went abroad (pretty sure with whom she went but didnt ask anything).

W thinks she can get a 4-room apartment but she hasnt even spoken to the bank yet...
This shows how juvenile she is. I don't believe she is Wayward anymore but it seems she still hasn't realized whats actually happening. She has definitely not done ANY work on herself (Yet).

Second day after vacation W got angry because she didn't think I would be staying in the house while she is here anymore. What the F is she thinking???

Why do you believe she is no longer wayward? Have you seen some indication that would suggest she's had a change of heart?

[Mumin]

Hey Sandi,

Thanks for your response!

I guess it depends on the definition of Wayward.
To me that real waywardness is what my W was full of about 6 months ago.
Completely selfish and not a care in the world, not even aware of what kind of turmoil she is causing.
Fog. Blindness. Selfishness. And a super addictive rush that everything is about.

Lately my W has shown much more kindness and awareness of everything.
However, as I said she is very juvenile and in a way that is my fault.
I did ALL of the grown up things in our time together. ALL of it!
She is in for an enormous amount of life lessons...

But back to waywardness.
When thinking about if I guess you could put it on a scale.
May be my W is a 1 or a 2 out of 5.
Still driven strongly by her rush, but she HAS realized her behavior has consequences and she is aware. I see it.
She is prioritizing the kids more as well.
Though, while reading through other sitches I realize I haven't gotten that much of the verbal attack. Not much at all.
So maybe her waywardness is still there. She's just realized she can do it without me seeing it.

Anyway it doesn't really matter that much for me. There is on way forward.
For the kids though I really wish she owns her s**t and continues to get it together.

[sandi2]

I guess it depends on the definition of Wayward.

The definition speaks for itself. Look it up.

Lately my W has shown much more kindness and awareness of everything.

Here's a little test you can use to see if your W is still wayward. Just cross her. See how quickly her "kindness" changes.

When everything is going to her liking, it's not that difficult for her to play at kindness. The minute you throw a monkey wrench into her plans........you'll see the person she really is. Didn't you see that happen when she learned you would be staying in the house?

However, as I said she is very juvenile and in a way that is my fault.
I did ALL of the grown up things in our time together. ALL of it!
She is in for an enormous amount of life lessons...

This is why I have a problem with H's spoiling their W's by doing all "the grown up things". I think some men see it as a way of demonstrating their love. Maybe some men like to feel their W is totally dependent on them, IDK. I just know it is very bad for the MR....... and it's bad for the woman. I hope you will not repeat this behavior/action in the future. ((hugs))

But back to waywardness.
When thinking about if I guess you could put it on a scale.
May be my W is a 1 or a 2 out of 5.

I'm wondering if this is case where it depends on your definition of waywardness. There have been many LBH's fooled into thinking their WW had changed, when in reality, it was more about what the LHB wanted desperately to see in her. They would mistakenly base it on how much nicer the WW was treating them. Those nice ways may eventually come, if she's really working on heart, but please don't base the whole idea of "she is no longer wayward" on it.

Still driven strongly by her rush, but she HAS realized her behavior has consequences and she is aware. I see it.

By rush, do you mean her addiction to the high the affair gives her?

I'm glad she is aware of her behavior has consequences. Hopefully, the consequences will be heavy enough to change her course. However, one of the descriptions of waywardness is willful rebellion. So, even if she sees the consequences, she may choose to continue going down her wayward path. Unfortunately, I remember a couple of cases where things got really bad for the WW and it still did not turn her around......at the time of the last posting of the LBH's. I would love to know if anything changed later, but we usually don't hear back from people who stop posting. Anyway, I mainly wanted to say that a WW will decide if the consequences are worth what the choices she makes. In other words, if she faces consequences for an affair, she'll decide if it's worth these consequences to continue contacting OM, or not. What looks like heavy consequences to you, may not be the one that makes the difference for her. Since being on the board, I've read some wild stories where WW's would leave their babies behind, so they could continue an affair. Mind blowing!

She is prioritizing the kids more as well.

Really glad to hear this ^^^^^^. Do you prompt her, or is this prioritizing all on her own?

Though, while reading through other sitches I realize I haven't gotten that much of the verbal attack. Not much at all.
So maybe her waywardness is still there. She's just realized she can do it without me seeing it.

Some WW's are more verbally vicious than others. A WW can change, if she wants to change. I don't think it looks quiet like the LBH thinks it will look.......but it can be done.

For the kids though I really wish she owns her s**t and continues to get it together.

I do too, Mumin. Not only for the children's sake, but for her own sake, as well.

Take care. ((hugs))

[Mumin]

Thanks for posting again Sandi! Will get back to some of your points. But you are right i shouldnt see her as non wayward already.

Anyway, wanted to do a quick post.
Exactly a years ago today we got married. Feels strange.

W asked me how I feel out of the blue and I wasn’t really prepared.
Said I feel good but was far from firm on my voice.
I said it’s a strange day, but doesn’t really mean anything. She agreed And said it meant something to her then...


I want to get D finished and have her move out ASAP.

[Mumin]

Journal

Yesterday W we all had dinner again. (keep thinking, this might be the last one ever)
What I wanted to note as a journal is that W was wearing the ring I bought her for our 5 year anniversary.
That thing could basically be an engagement ring...
I'm not analyzing it, just thought it was odd.

Also seems AGAIN that she is hesitant to the price we have earlier discussed for the house.
Mentioned using a new realtor..

Be strong!

[Vapo]

Irrelevant. The ring thing means nothing. Do not be swayed by it. Keep going. You can do it...

[Mumin]

Thank you for checking in Vapo!
Wanted a note of her wearing it. I really put zero meaning /value on that happening.
She's buying 500-3000 US dollar handbags so I guess she just lines to wear diamonds as well...

Today she said there's no chance we are selling the house.
But she still wants a new realtor to value it...

[Mumin]

Journaling.

Had a great weekend at home with the kids, and my brother was over for one night.
First sauna session for this fall and got a lot of work done around the house. (Really hope I can keep the place).

A friend of mine asked if W and OM are puiblic now. I said not that I know.
Apparently shes been showing some pics on her instagram story and she must have specifically chosen not to show me.
Doesnt mean anything really, I had seen she uses groups so I figured this would happen. But it hurts abit.
Just let the rain bounce of. Going to lift weights over lunch so that will be nice.


Also this morning W called. I didnt answer so she asked me to call and I did a while later.
Short call but it was only about asking if kids were in school.
Something she could have jsut written on FB or SMS...
I am thinking about asking her to not call for small matter like that.
Any input/perspectives?

[Valeska19]

Also this morning W called. I didnt answer so she asked me to call and I did a while later.
Short call but it was only about asking if kids were in school.
Something she could have jsut written on FB or SMS...
I am thinking about asking her to not call for small matter like that.
Any input/perspectives?

IMO - you should not ask her. That's a form of control to manage your own feelings. What you can control are your own actions.

Perhaps you could text her next time - "Hey. Can't chat right now. What's up?".

Or you could not respond at all. I know that's scary with having kids but my gut says that if it truly important - there will be a more detailed message involved. I'll let vets here w/kids speak to that.