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OK a strange new update. Last night my W worked an afternoon shift to cover for someone that was off. She stayed after work talking to OM, and came home wanting to talk about the R. Her and the OM didn't talk about them, they apparently talked about us. Supposedly he "called her on her BS", told her she was "being an A-hole" to me, and that she needed to let go of the past and move on to build something new with me. In other words the OM seems to be trying to help save MY M.

So my W tells me all of this, says that is exactly what she wants to do, but has no idea of how to let go of the past hurts and issues. She says she doesn't know how to forgive and forget. She understands that we can't move forward as long as she is holding on to the past but she just can't let go either. I told her, that I did it through prayer and imagining that I was holding all of that in my hand and I just let go. I also said that may not work for her, and she may need to seek IC or look for idea on the internet. I also said that I had been enjoying the extra time we had been spending together, and that maybe if we just kept doing that in time, the rest would come naturally. The whole conversation lasted about 2 hours with a few interruptions, but that was the gist of it.

I had no idea what else to say. On one hand I am a bit optimistic, b/c this was the most she ever admitted that she really did want this to work, but also disheartened a bit b/c I also know that if she can't find a way to let go of the past, then nothing we do will ever move us forward.

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Listen and validate, keep your cards close to your chest. She's not back in this. Don't believe her words.

When she says
Quote
She says she doesn't know how to forgive and forget.


You should say: "Wow, that sounds really hard for you". That would show her that you were listening.

Quote
I have even considered getting a Bumble account, just to find other people to have a conversation with other than my W and Step-D. The thing is, when I was secure in my R I never felt like I needed any other people in my life, now I find that is what I crave the most.


So file for divorce, get a divorce, and then chat with women on Bumble. Don't cheat to cover up your insecurities.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Hi Texan.

W has resumed contact with OM?

Reset DB counter. Time to get boundaries in place (those are for yourself)

Believe nothing that she says...


WW H(me): 51
W: 47
T: 26 M: 21
S: 16
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Originally Posted by ovrrnbw

So file for divorce, get a divorce, and then chat with women on Bumble. Don't cheat to cover up your insecurities.


You misunderstand. I did end up creating an account, in "BFF" only mode. Which only connects me to other MEN who are looking for guys to do guy things with. I am NOT using it to find women to do date/sex things with.

Originally Posted by neffer
Hi Texan.

W has resumed contact with OM?

Reset DB counter. Time to get boundaries in place (those are for yourself)

Believe nothing that she says...


She has no choice, he is a co-worker. Having zero contact with him would require her to quit her job.

Last edited by TheTexan; 07/01/20 03:59 PM.
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I know man, I know.


WW H(me): 51
W: 47
T: 26 M: 21
S: 16
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Originally Posted by TheTexan
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw

So file for divorce, get a divorce, and then chat with women on Bumble. Don't cheat to cover up your insecurities.


You misunderstand. I did end up creating an account, in "BFF" only mode. Which only connects me to other MEN who are looking for guys to do guy things with. I am NOT using it to find women to do date/sex things with.

Originally Posted by neffer
Hi Texan.

W has resumed contact with OM?

Reset DB counter. Time to get boundaries in place (those are for yourself)

Believe nothing that she says...


She has no choice, he is a co-worker. Having zero contact with him would require her to quit her job.


Maybe that's what needs to happen.

You deserve someone that is willing to move mountains to be with you. Find a new job. Go to IC to work through past hurts. The more hurdles you give her the more you'll see her commitment to working on things.

So what does R look like to you?


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Originally Posted by TheTexan
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw

So file for divorce, get a divorce, and then chat with women on Bumble. Don't cheat to cover up your insecurities.


You misunderstand. I did end up creating an account, in "BFF" only mode. Which only connects me to other MEN who are looking for guys to do guy things with. I am NOT using it to find women to do date/sex things with.

Gotcha. Never heard of that. It's a GAL tool then?

Originally Posted by TheTexan
Originally Posted by neffer
Hi Texan.

W has resumed contact with OM?

Reset DB counter. Time to get boundaries in place (those are for yourself)

Believe nothing that she says...


She has no choice, he is a co-worker. Having zero contact with him would require her to quit her job.

We all have a choice. People who have affairs and want to work on their marriage quit their jobs if they must. That's what Neffer is saying. And that's why Neffer is saying to protect yourself, this WW of yours is still talking to OM and that is not good.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
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It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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If you in any way want a future with you M OM has to go. 100%
How that happens isnt relevant but they sure cant be co-workers no more.

If she is talking to you about this just because OM said so I would be EXTREMLEY cautious.

Last edited by Mumin; 07/01/20 07:45 PM.

Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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Originally Posted by Steve85

Maybe that's what needs to happen.

You deserve someone that is willing to move mountains to be with you. Find a new job. Go to IC to work through past hurts. The more hurdles you give her the more you'll see her commitment to working on things.

So what does R look like to you?


Perhaps, but I am not going to ask for her to quit her job, if she decides to that is her choice. I am distancing from that and letting her have the room to be her.

Are you asking what the R looks like to me now or the future R that I want?


Originally Posted by ovrrnbw

Gotcha. Never heard of that. It's a GAL tool then?


Exactly. Bumble has 3 modes. Dating mode for obvious reasons. BFF mode for finding people of the same sex as pure friends to hang out with. Finally, Bizz mode is more like LinkedIn in that is for professional networking. I am using it in BFF mode only.

Originally Posted by ovrrnbw

We all have a choice. People who have affairs and want to work on their marriage quit their jobs if they must. That's what Neffer is saying. And that's why Neffer is saying to protect yourself, this WW of yours is still talking to OM and that is not good.


So I should force her to quit her job? How is that not pressuring and pursuing? I cannot imagine handing down an ultimatum like that would go over too well. Again I have made my peace with divorce being the outcome if it comes to that. So she either fixes her s**t or she doesn't and I leave. I haven't decided what it is yet, but there is a time limit on my patience waiting on her to get over the past and be ready to start moving forward. My current thinking is probably by early Nov, but maybe first of the year. After that, we are either on the same path moving forward toward reconciliation or I'm out. I will be 47 in a bit over a month, and I'm not wasting too much time on someone that may never come back to me. If I have to start over, I want to get started well before I turn 50. I have point blank told the W this too.

Last edited by TheTexan; 07/01/20 10:02 PM.
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This thread is nearly full so I started a new thread, please post any new responses here:

No longer lost, but not out of the woods. Part 2

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