This is standard operating procedure for WW to a degree.. And typical LBS behaviour, thinking they can nice / chase their way back into the WW heart.. You cant fix her and the pursuing would have just annoyed - but the beauty of this site is that you realise you are not alone - and no matter what you did or didnt do to start the snowball rolling, the WW is the one who crossed the line.
LH19 posted a good explanation a few days ago on the WW mindset and why they do what they do - unfortunetly i cant find it
What you may find is that once the rose tinted glasses come fully off, you will see all the signs / red flags you ignored over the years because of your love for your WW.... i.e she was always like this ( you said yourself she lied / didnt mention her son initially !!! ) and you were to focused on being a husband / friend / father to notice that she wasnt a good person deep down - been there ! - done that !.... Once you actually do start to see things clearly - like really clearly you may realise what thought you had wasnt as special as your remember - and she was always selfish / not a nice person. [/quote]
I actually read LHs explanation in the other thread. I think it was in mistys. But either way, he followed it up behind yours! It really should be a sticky if it isn’t.
Anyway, I’ve already started taking the rose tinted glasses off. I’m starting to see her for what she is. Hard hard truth is she’s always and I mean always been a liar. I guess I just wanted to believe she wouldn’t treat me the way I saw her treat others. My fault and I can’t change the past, just learn from it.
I honestly don’t want her back. It’s the wrong thing for me and 100% wrong for my kids. I just really wanna focus on myself and being happy alone as a single father. And I wanna focus on her not letting me spin. She tried again today with another email.
W: I got this today just wanted you to have it so S17 could hear it if he wanted. W: Sends me a voicemail a teacher left her for him. W: Thanks Cracker Jack! Have a good day!! I’m ‘proving’ I can do a job today so we’ll see if I can keep said job!!
Didn’t respond. But I find this annoying. She knows I get the same voicemails and calls. We’ve been getting them for months. I’m the one who’s dealt with the “distance learning” etc. So this was completely pointless to send and I don’t understand why she did other than to find an excuse to contact me. And that I don’t understand either. Why keep contacting me? Why not leave me alone. She asked for it, I’m giving it to her, and apparently that’s a problem. And I don’t care if you have a job. I just don’t. I’m so tired of hearing about her job interviews, searches or whatever else. It’s nuts.
And I’m starting to understand how I made her feel at first. Contacting her for every stupid thing. I just wanna be left alone to heal.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
When you start to detach well, the loss of power they feel will often times cause them to try to reestablish the power. They do that by once again by trying to get you to reattach.
It is typical distance-pursuit dynamic. You should read that thread.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
When you start to detach well, the loss of power they feel will often times cause them to try to reestablish the power. They do that by once again by trying to get you to reattach.
It is typical distance-pursuit dynamic. You should read that thread.
Just took a re-look at it. I’ve stopped everything. I was doing it all, but when I stopped pursuing it’s almost she thinks we can be friends now. And I hate that. I’ve made it clear we’ll never be friends since BD. I don’t want her as a friend. At first it was because I couldn’t be friends with someone I was in love with. Now because of the kids. It’s just not gonna happen. So honestly I can’t tell if she’s trying to be friends or temp checking or is trying to keep me hooked as plan B. Wasn’t too long ago she told my daughter she would always love me as the father of her kids but not as a husband. So truly what gives?
I’ll just keep the course and hope that eventually she stops. But I don’t think I’m dealing a typical wayward.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Didn’t respond. But I find this annoying. She knows I get the same voicemails and calls. We’ve been getting them for months. I’m the one who’s dealt with the “distance learning” etc. So this was completely pointless to send and I don’t understand why she did other than to find an excuse to contact me. And that I don’t understand either. Why keep contacting me? Why not leave me alone. She asked for it, I’m giving it to her, and apparently that’s a problem. And I don’t care if you have a job. I just don’t. I’m so tired of hearing about her job interviews, searches or whatever else. It’s nuts.
Often people mistake initiating contact on the part of the WAW as interest -- that they want you back and that's why they're engaging you. Don't be fooled -- you being emotionally invested in her is an insurance policy and nothing else. If things go horribly wrong with her affair partners and outside interests, she can always come back to her comfortable marriage.
It’s a huge comfort to know that she has you to fall back on if things go badly for her. You've already proven that you'll save her, like when you sent her money for the car. You need to pull that safety net away entirely.
Didn’t respond. But I find this annoying. She knows I get the same voicemails and calls. We’ve been getting them for months. I’m the one who’s dealt with the “distance learning” etc. So this was completely pointless to send and I don’t understand why she did other than to find an excuse to contact me. And that I don’t understand either. Why keep contacting me? Why not leave me alone. She asked for it, I’m giving it to her, and apparently that’s a problem. And I don’t care if you have a job. I just don’t. I’m so tired of hearing about her job interviews, searches or whatever else. It’s nuts.
Often people mistake initiating contact on the part of the WAW as interest -- that they want you back and that's why they're engaging you. Don't be fooled -- you being emotionally invested in her is an insurance policy and nothing else. If things go horribly wrong with her affair partners and outside interests, she can always come back to her comfortable marriage.
It’s a huge comfort to know that she has you to fall back on if things go badly for her. You've already proven that you'll save her, like when you sent her money for the car. You need to pull that safety net away entirely.
Hey LH thanks for hanging in there and continuing to post on my sitch. I’ve pulled the life vest. I just haven’t had a chance to prove it yet. I’m sure that day is right around the corner.
I’m just getting frustrated she won’t leave me alone now. There’s no comfy marriage for her to come back too. But you are right, I’ve saved her before, so from her experience ol’ doormat Joe is still there to wipe her feet on. I’m just glad I’m starting to clearly see her for who she is. She’s an adulterous child abuser who is also a pathological liar. Seriously what was I thinking trusting this person? What was I thinking marrying someone like this? I had the red flags before I ever said I do. Hell, even at the alter she said yeah sure and that always bothered me. The flags were everywhere! How egotistical of ME to assume I was so special that she wouldn’t treat me this way.
Sorry the more I type and the more I think, the less it’s about the good times and more about how I just ignored everything and seemed to be blissful in my own “ignorance”.
I’ll tell you one thing I’ve absolutely learned. Being in love with someone is not an excuse to allow yourself to be treated unfairly. And loving someone requires more than just “listening to the words”. I needed and will continue now that I’ve learned to pay far more attention to my surroundings
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
I’ll tell you one thing I’ve absolutely learned. Being in love with someone is not an excuse to allow yourself to be treated unfairly. And loving someone requires more than just “listening to the words”. I needed and will continue now that I’ve learned to pay far more attention to my surroundings
This is good. I wish some of our LBWs would read this and understand it. Our society has this idea of love being permissive. I argue that the parent that disciplines their child is showing more love than the one that let's their child get away with anything they want.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
What was I thinking marrying someone like this? I had the red flags before I ever said I do. Hell, even at the alter she said yeah sure and that always bothered me. The flags were everywhere! How egotistical of ME to assume I was so special that she wouldn’t treat me this way.
This sounds like a different man than the one who joined a short time ago.
You may not have been as egotistical, as much as you just wanted to believe she was what you wanted her to be. Do you know what I mean? Whatever it was, if you've leaned how to recognize waving flags again.......then hopefully you won't go through another horrible relationship.
It would be easier if she'd leave you alone, but as long as she feels she can manipulate you......she'll probably continue to pester you. I just think you have to set some ground rules and follow them best you can. I'm sorry all of you are going through so much pain.
You might get a professional (like the children's therapist) to advise you in wording a response to them when they ask you if you'll let their mom come back, or if you'll give her another chance, etc. Maybe they don't think they'll have a relationship with her, if she doesn't come back, IDK. You can't live with someone like her, just b/c the children's emotions are hot & cold. All of you are dealing with so much right now. You can't solve everything at once. ((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
What was I thinking marrying someone like this? I had the red flags before I ever said I do. Hell, even at the alter she said yeah sure and that always bothered me. The flags were everywhere! How egotistical of ME to assume I was so special that she wouldn’t treat me this way.
This sounds like a different man than the one who joined a short time ago.
You may not have been as egotistical, as much as you just wanted to believe she was what you wanted her to be. Do you know what I mean? Whatever it was, if you've leaned how to recognize waving flags again.......then hopefully you won't go through another horrible relationship.
It would be easier if she'd leave you alone, but as long as she feels she can manipulate you......she'll probably continue to pester you. I just think you have to set some ground rules and follow them best you can. I'm sorry all of you are going through so much pain.
You might get a professional (like the children's therapist) to advise you in wording a response to them when they ask you if you'll let their mom come back, or if you'll give her another chance, etc. Maybe they don't think they'll have a relationship with her, if she doesn't come back, IDK. You can't live with someone like her, just b/c the children's emotions are hot & cold. All of you are dealing with so much right now. You can't solve everything at once. ((hugs))
Hi Sandi, Thank you so much for posting. I hope it’s a good thing a don’t sound like the same guy. I’m not as timid that’s for sure. And I just got tired of being treated like I didn’t have feelings or they were completely worthless. I need to be strong for the kiddos. I found my path. It’s gonna be hard, but I can make it.
Unfortunately for my sanity and my kid’s safety she can’t come back. The amount of work that I would want her to do in regards to that would be something I guarantee she wouldn’t wanna do. If she’d come back, knowing her, it’d be on her terms and they would include never talking about what happened and moving on straight away. Regardless I could be wrong but I think she likes the idea of thinking I’m a back up plan. But it’ll be one she never takes. Just likes the comfort of thinking I’m there just in case. I can almost guarantee she hasn’t filed for divorce so she can use that as a threat to keep the OM in line.
Doesn’t matter what she’s thinking though. I can’t control what she does, but I can control what I do and how I react. So that’s my focus. Me.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Oh sweet Jesus I just got the call I’m out of underwriting and I’m good to go! I can finally put this house and every reminder of her in it to rest and move the heck on that way!!!!!!!!!! I’m so freaking pumped
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
