Hey bizmark - just wanted to chime and say your situation sounds a lot like mine so I feel for you. I’m new here too so I don’t have a lot to add other than hang in there, do self-care every day (GAL, exercise, etc.), and read as much wisdom as you can from this forum. There are some really generous people here who drop gems everyday. I am still struggling with detachment myself, but deep down I know letting go is the only positive way forward. ^^Steve85 really nailed it, and LH19 had a really good post yesterday responding to Mistysea that you should read.
I am rereading DR today and something that she said really struck a cord with me. The steps are simple, it’s the application of those steps that are the difficult part. I’m sitting alone in my house and all I can think about is her and how much I want to talk to her. I know that initiating contact is not beneficial and I won’t call, but it really is difficult.
I know that initiating contact is not beneficial and I won’t call, but it really is difficult.
Only if you make it.
Your inner discourse was chosen by you.
You can decide to say this is easy too.
But I would get busy, play a game, read a book, call a friend, make a meal, make a fancy dessert, clean something, organize something, wrestle the dog.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
My W of almost 16 years decided last month that the issues she has addressed for the past years with my lack of emotional support have weighed on her so much that we should be separated.
Sorry you are here Bismarck. You're in the hardest part right now. Mind can be all over the place. What went wrong, whats wrong with me, whats wrong with her. You'll have those moments...get through them as quick as you can then continue DBing. I've had difficulty since the beginning in my sitch. Some pointers/comments to hopefully help you avoid the same troubles. As to the above comment, if that was a concern she brought up several times during the M than there may be truth to it. It's nothing you can fix immediately however. As others mentioned, read up on validation. When W reaches out to you, then you can use the new skill. Dont pursue her to show her what you've learned.
Originally Posted by bizmark2
That night she moved out to her house and has been gone for almost a month and a half now. Approximately one week after she left she decided that "she did not want to be married to me anymore."
That's how she feels at the time she said it. She also one time agreed to marry you. Feelings can change.
Originally Posted by bizmark2
Needless to say, I am trying to work through all of these issues, but I am having a hard time coming to terms with her reason for the BD. I personally think that her leaving was probably the best thing that could have ever happened to our M, but she has not allowed any time for the S to work. She told me that she has tried everything in the past 15 years to get me to be more emotionally connected to her and none of it has worked. So her stance is that anything that I do now is it's too little, too late. She has completely checked out of our M and she does not want to put any effort into the R.
Unfortunately these words as so common, its like they all read a script. She's checked out because she's currently checked in elsewhere.
Originally Posted by bizmark2
I got the DB book about three weeks into the S and have tried to implement the LRT. Unfortunately, I have backslid a few times and am having trouble letting go. I have begged and pleaded for her to reconsider her decision and I've hoped that making her see what this is doing to our D13, would make her change her mind. I've even told her that I don't want her to change her mind right now, I just want her to allow the time and hopefully, counseling in the future may give her the opportunity to change her mind. She told me as recently as last weekend that she has made up her mind and that she will never change her decision.
Dont beat yourself up, weve all done it with the early pursuit. You made the mistake, now change and avoid it again. One mistake won't seal the deal. Definitely refrain from mentioning D13 in convincing her to work on things. WW can rationalize anything and can make themselves believe D is best for the kid. Itll also add to her guilt and shame which will be directed at you as resentment. In her mind, you caused all this.
Originally Posted by bizmark2
Unfortunately over this last weekend, I found evidence that she's been having an EA for several months now. I believe that this has been a major catalyst for her decision to leave and BD. I confronted her and our "friend" about the EA and asked them to stop the EA. He said that he would, but the only thing that she said to me is that she would not stop being his friend. I have no faith that the EA has stopped, but I am hoping that it has.
Sorry man, bro hug. It could be the main reason, or a symptom. We dont know, she may not even know. The reason for the "poor emotional connection" however is that she was being pulled in two directions and was getting her emotional meeds met elsewhere. This part hurts. You will get through it.
Originally Posted by bizmark2
So right now, we've had some very difficult discussions about the R and I've brought it up more than I should have. I 've allowed my emotions to take control of my actions and I have not been putting my best foot forward.
Stop initiating R talks now that you know, and spice up that validation for when she initiates one. Find out what you need to do to get your best foot forward. Post here for support, tips or to get a kick in the A.
Originally Posted by bizmark2
She is a very stubborn and is resolute that her decision is final and she will never change her mind. We have talked recently and both of us have agreed that we both want to work on our friendship and that she is willing to go to counseling, but only so that we can move toward an amicable D. I don't want a D and am struggling every day with the loss in my life. Every day gets a little better, but this is the worst emotional roller coaster that I have ever been on. Leni tells me there is hope, but it's really hard to see when the W is so certain that her decision is the right one.
Stay on good terms with W for D13 however only settle for friends if thats what you want. Most here would agree that MC is not worth it at this point of your sitch. I agree in most cases. One exception is if your communication is horrible and you need to get on decent terms for D13s sake. This isn't a fun rollercoaster. You will grow from this if you stick to it. Become a bettee Bizmark for your next relationship whether its with W or someone else. Let go of control as best you can and do your best to acknowledge that you didnt break your W and you can't fix her.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
I am rereading DR today and something that she said really struck a cord with me. The steps are simple, it’s the application of those steps that are the difficult part. I’m sitting alone in my house and all I can think about is her and how much I want to talk to her. I know that initiating contact is not beneficial and I won’t call, but it really is difficult.
The key here is "sitting". GAL is absolutely necessary to ward off the desire to reach out. Be busy and you'll have less opportunity to sit. The LBSs that struggle the most are the ones that do GAL the worst. We had one guy here, who when I asked him what his GAL plans were for that night responded "sit gone a be bored". And he wondered why he struggled so much with his desire to reach out to her, etc.
Stay busy. Keep your mind occupied. It's harder in the COVID works but not impossible.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you for your reply. I completely agree there have been a lot of shortcomings in my GAL plan. I need to remind myself that I have a much larger group of friends than I realize. This pandemic has made this much more difficult than it would be normally. I just need to work on thinking outside of the box.
I think another thing that I have been struggling with is the type of Woman that my W is. She is a very stubborn person, but on the flip side, she is very rational and has always been a reasonable person. It feels like I should just be able to talk through the issues with her and weight the pros and cons and we should be able to work it out. I truly have been struggling with that. I could be mistaken, but something that I have been reminding myself a lot lately is that my W is possibly not thinking the same way now. She has sat and thought about this decision for a LONG time and has not come to this point lightly. I believe that deep down she does not want a divorce, but she does not see that there is any other option at this point. That kills me that she has come to this conclusion in her mind.
It feels like I should just be able to talk through the issues with her and weight the pros and cons and we should be able to work it out. She has sat and thought about this decision for a LONG time and has not come to this point lightly. That kills me that she has come to this conclusion in her mind.
It's frustrating that we sometimes have to lose a thing to realize what we had. When I walked away from my ex-wife, she begged and pleaded and promised anything. I'd been trying to fix us for 6 months with little help, and even a small step on her part would've kept me around. Once I walked away that was it. I decided I shouldn't have to threaten D to get my needs met in a relationship. As you say, once they walk away they are not in the same place as they were before they walked away, and her exit affair is now its own obstacle.
I wanted to give an update since I was able to see my W twice this morning.
We met for breakfast with our D13 and had a great time. We talked about our families and general things that were going on in our lives, no S or D talk, she asked that we not talk about that before we met. I felt really good about this baby step. She even texted after the breakfast was over and said that she thought it went really well.
After breakfast, I had to go get a title notarized since I am selling my motorcycle, I never ride. Unfortunately. I did not realize that her name was on the title and that I needed her there for the notary. Well needless to say she was pissed, she said that I was losing her money and that I should have done my research before this happened. I stayed calm, I validated what she was saying, I didn't try to defend myself or justify my position, I just took my lumps. On her way to the notary she calmed down and we talked about what we were going to do with the money. I had hoped at some point we could use it to go on a much-needed vacation, but I did not say anything about that. The discussion went well and she seemed to be in a good mood when she arrived at the notary to sign. We talked a little more about our days and then parted ways. I texted afterward and said that I was appreciative of how we worked through the situation and that I was glad we were working on our friendship. She stated that she felt the same way.
All in all, I feel like it was a pretty good morning.
If you aren't in the mood for a 2x4......then stop reading here:
"I texted afterward and said that I was appreciative of how we worked through the situation and that I was glad we were working on our friendship. She stated that she felt the same way"
WHAT THE HECK?
Have you read DB? Have you listened to the advice here? How in the world did you think this follow-up text was a good idea?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Nope I need as much advice and tough love that I can get.
We both agreed to work on the friendship. I have read and am rereading the book. Also, my coach Leni has informed me that working on and rebuilding the friendship is the best way to rebuild the relationship. So, I am taking by your response that I need to not instigate any communication.
