I know exactly what to believe

[JosephS]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2894133&page=1

There’s the link to part 3 of my story. I figured now is a good time to switch up my thread title. I think it suits and fits best with my current sitch

Back round info. Been with the W over 16 years. Found out March 6th she was 3 months deep into a PA. She moved out the same day. Claimed I was abusive towards her to all our friends and family. Was able to get that sorted out and prove it wasn’t true.

Found out slowly over time my W was physically and emotionally abusive towards my kids. Unfortunately my head knew it and my heart refused it at first. But I’ve dug myself out of that river of denial as well.

Just living life the best I can. I’ve filed for full custody, but not divorce for now. As far as I know she hadn’t either.

I still have my bad moments during the day where my heart aches for her or what we had. But I’m much better at controlling the thought emotions and actions that happen when it does ache and everyday it gets better. I have my head on straight and hoping/working towards a happier future.

[JosephS]

Journaling,
Today my anxiety is bad. Not like it was a month ago but the worst it’s been in a bit. I was doing very well at keeping focused on “today” and not worrying about tomorrow. But I keep wondering what the future holds. Will she show up at my house? Will she start calling all the time? What’s real? What’s fake? Since I didn’t hear from her yesterday will that finally be the last I do hear from her?

Oh well. Today is going to be a self care day I do believe.

[Traveler]

Since I didn’t hear from her yesterday will that finally be the last I do hear from her?

You're likely to hear from her again.

What’s real?

She loved you once. At some point that stopped, she demonized you, betrayed you, and abused your children.

What’s fake?

Sandi hit the nail on the head that her recent attempt to reach out was almost certainly fueled by the stress of losing her friends, her children, and those CPS charges. She doesn't need a get-out-of-jail-free card, she needs serious help. It'll be real when you see her taking consistent actions towards becoming well and whole again. I don't believe I'm overstepping when I say her mental health is low if she's abusing kids and trying to construct and maintain multiple inconsistent false narratives about her life.

[JosephS]

CW you actually had me laughing. Absolutely not over stepping. And yes her mental health is messed up for lack of a better word.

I know all that, I really do. The anxiety is making me “think what if?” If that makes sense. I know I’ll hear from her again. And it probably won’t anything I need to respond too. I know she’s not genuine. Just one of those mornings where I missed her. I got some bad news today and she was always the first person I’d go to share it with. And obviously I can’t and won’t do that. So basically that started my mini spiral. Don’t have a lot going on today to distract myself with. Kids had some school work to do from yesterday and today so that took longer than normal so all I had to do today was sit around and wait. And I hate talking to my friends about everything because I don’t wanna wear them out.

I’m ok honestly. I’m not going into fantasy land about this like I was. Just a bad half a day. Hoping to make this evening and night better.

[JosephS]

Looking for thoughts and advice.

So today my girls decided after dinner they wanted a caramel latte from Dunkin Donuts, and D15 wanted to take one to a friend. No problem let’s go. Well in the car they started talking about their mom. Even D15. They started asking if I thought she’d ever be serious about wanting to come back. If I’d take her back. And than the conditions started. What if she got help. What if she really was serious about getting help and did everything would I take her back than? And they asked me to wait to file, actually they asked that I never file for divorce and let her do it.

Now first off I get it. It’s their mom, they are starting to miss her. I don’t mind talking about her. But the chances of any of this imo is so remote it’s not worth it. But at the same time just because they miss her doesn’t make it right to allow her in their lives. They’re kids and it’s my job to protect them even if they don’t like it or understand it completely.

But my question to you guys is this...I know abuse isn’t a common occurrence in most sitchs. My sitch isn’t brand spanking new but still I’ve only known for 2 and a half months and the affair is 5 and a half months old. How often do partners who have an affair and move in with the OM actually come to honestly regret their decisions? How often do they actually want to make it work with their families and do the right thing. And even if the marriage is doomed what would your guy’s opinion be on her getting help for her issues and taking some anger management courses so she could see the kids and they’d feel safe? And I’d feel safe letting them go? I know I’m asking a lot. And I know there probably isn’t going to be total agreement with everyone but I’m honestly curious what the “community’s” opinion is.

I did tell the kids I just don’t see a scenario where me and Mom work out, but they are starting to wonder if I’m wrong. D8 and D12 both said they really believe Mom is coming back. Idk, I want to be gentle, but realistic too. D11 actually talked a little and just said, she’s mean and I just stopped caring but if she tried and was nice it’s be nice to talk to her. I honestly don’t know what to say. But I know I won’t lie. I want to be realistic and I want to be armed with some good honest opinions. Now I understand they’re just going to be opinions and no one knows anything for sure but you can’t discount the experience this forum has either.

Thanks in advance

[LH19]

J,

Depends on the timeframe you’re looking at for this to happen. I would say start at 10% in the first year and move it up 10% a year and at 5 years you are looking at maybe 50% chance. The truth of the matter is that many may regret it but still don’t reconcile. Too much damage is done.

If I stop and think about my own situation where my ex would have to admit she made a mistake, be remorseful, go into therapy, make immense with me, then my mom, my family and my friends it makes it relatively impossible.

So much damage is done and too many people get hurt.

[JosephS]

I’d say within a year is the time frame. And I’m in a unique position where I wouldn’t care at all what my family or friends thought. I never have cared what they thought about my choices in life and I honestly never will. That’s one thing she knows for a fact and one things she loved about me. I’m the kind of guy where if you don’t like what my decisions in life are well to bad. And honestly my family and friends would support whatever I do.

And maybe I’m flat out crazy but I do know her. If her and the OM don’t work out she’s going to take the hard look in the mirror. What she does from there is anyone’s guess

[LH19]

J,

You are new to this so it’s understandable that you don’t fully yet understand the process. I have explained this before that your brain is looking for pain relief and stability. So right now you would take her back no matter what even after all the pain, abuse and suffering she has caused your family. With time and space and more destruction you will start to see it and your perception will slowly start to change.

One of the number one misconceptions of newbies here is that if the affair ends that the WWs will come back begging for forgiveness. That rarely happens and another OM is more of a likely scenario.

I am really sorry you are going through this Joseph and I really hope you have the strength to push past this because you have an extremely manipulative wayward who is going to test the $hit out of you and make your life a living h3ll.

[JosephS]

LH,
I wouldn’t take her back no matter what. I have my conditions on that. I’ve stated them, and will not under any circumstance budge. And it requires a continued separation, IC,MC and anger management. And I seriously doubt she’d do any of that no matter what. I’m just looking for what people have seen on here, people that have been here for more the a month a half. Have they seen someone like my W ever do a 180 and decide to make those changes? If that makes sense? I really can’t find a sitch where that’s happened. I’m like 99.9% sure we are over and that’s the direction I am taking my life. And I am ok with that.

As far as the hard look in the mirror, I meant more to what she did to the kids than me. The fact she blames the kids for bad relationship, and calls them liars. The fact she walked out and abandoned them. The fact she never tried to right the wrongs she did to them. That day I feel like has a honest chance of happening if her and the OM don’t make it. But idk if I’m in a dream world in regards to that. I’d like to think she’d do what she could to fix that. If she was going to take a hard look in the mirror in regards to me she either, A already did before she left, or B she’d look and convince herself she did the right thing anyway and it isn’t her fault.

I know if her and the OM don’t work out there is a chance she’d come running back actually. But it would only be if he ended it and she didn’t see it coming and needed me for financial reasons. Otherwise she’ll just do to him what she did to me. Have someone waiting to save her in the wings and leave him the same way she did me. I know 100% she isn’t running back to have the marriage fixed if they don’t make it. Oh trust me on that!

Idk the kids got me thinking last night. Maybe I’m wrong to start to move on from her. That’s where the 1 yr comes from. How long am I willing to live in “limbo”. Maybe there is a chance she’ll see the light so to speak etc. I was moving on without willing to be in limbo any longer right now. Was I being to hasty? Are the kids going to be angry with me if I don’t give this every opportunity? That’s where my mind was. Because I thought your 10% chance in 1 yr was generous, and there is absolutely no chance I’m hanging out for 5 yrs.

[MrBrside]

Hi Joseph,

Ive followed your sitch, but don't think ive commented..

I'll be honest - Your wife is bat *&*( crazy and i think you just need to enjoy life, without even thinking "what if" - if she tries to come back, i wouldnt even waste breathe on her. She is a loon.. To hope you commit suicide ? WTF ? this woman is somebody you keep at a very long distance, and it sounds like you are doing a great job..

Bad news in it will only get worse for you in the short term. Alls you can do is be strong, minamise contact and think before reacting - DO NOT give her an inch of anything she could use against you..

Good news - you have your children, and you seem to have your head screwed on - just keep a rational mind. You may not feel like it, but you are actually fortunate. Not only do you have your children, as damaging as it may seem at the moment ( especially D15 ) they are seeing the crap their mother is capable of - It seems your children are mature enough to understand this, which although it may not feel like a positive, is better than being in a situation where a screwed up WW is manipulating or hurting children who are too young to communicate / make decissions ( ie if your children were 3 or 4 )

Move forward and never look back...