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DnJ Offline
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Hello Gerda

Lord of the Rings is awesome!

S15 has very good taste. smile

Originally Posted by Gerda
I am at my cabin with my kids -- the one I fought for and now it's MINE. Have been renting it out monthly during Covid and so it's paying double its own mortgage every month!

That sounds like really good news.

The cabin is all yours. Yay!

Love how son was transfixed. How wonderful for him and you.

D


Now: Me54 XW50 S24 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

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Gerda, thank you for the poems on my thread...it is nice to see people still sending love to others on here. I hope and pray that God will continue to lift you up on a daily basis.

Have a great July!!!


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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(((Gerda)))

Enjoying reading your reflections and the posts they are prompting from others.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Gerda, I have to say that in the last year or so you have made quite the transition. You seem so much stronger and much more confident than before. I know you are still going through some tough times, but I love seeing you take control and move forward. That confident self reliance "looks" good on you!

I hope your stay at the cabin was amazing! I too love Lord of the Rings smile

miss seeing your name across my screen (((Gerda)))

-Sam


Me: 43 yrs
W: 40 yrs
Together: 20 yrs
Married: 15 yrs
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Daughter: 16 yrs
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Gerda Offline OP
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Oh my gosh, a stop by from maybe my four favorite guys in the whole world! All in a row?!!!

Gerda is astonished and can now go about her day with all those things sjohn just said look good on me.

It's funny you say that, sjohn (and I will stop by your thread soon wink ) -- I have even been looking at old photos of myself and learning a lot. I have never been confident about photos but looking at photos pre-H, I was quite the tough confident young thing. Looking at the line of photos from then until now -- and of course the many years of no photos since I was the one running the house and rearing the kids and H certainly didn't care about having a photo of me! and remembering how ugly I felt as the years went by (I mean in all ways, not just physically, but just sort of unappealing, in the way, repulsive physically and in many other ways) -- it is pretty amazing to realize how my view of the world and of men in particular (and in every context) was really very skewed by what I was experiencing, overlooking, etc.

I can see more clearly now how little I thought of myself. I knew I had various good qualities but it's still impossible for me to imagine a man wanting to be around me. Which is good because I am trying to avoid that. But I catch myself seeing couples in love and FEELING SORRY FOR THE MAN THAT HE HAS TO ACT LIKE HE FINDS HER ATTRACTIVE. I am talking about even when the woman is especially attractive, my city is full of those folks, but for any woman. I don't want to go too deeply into it, but suffice it to say, I am catching myself in a lot of very bizarre and dark ideas that I have taken for granted about relationships for about twenty years.

I realized something and keep repeating it to myself in trying to believe it --

My ability to love a man has nothing to do with his ability to love me.

This is confusing to me. I thought if I loved that much, it meant that I was loving the right person. Now I realize that it just meant I was full of love. Actually, I have not figured it out fully, but that's what's on my mind these days.

DnJ, SBJ, Gordie and SJohn, thank you for stopping by, seriously made my day!

Last edited by Gerda; 07/23/20 03:06 PM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Originally Posted by AndrewP
Originally Posted by DnJ
In hindsight I think that my own ex worked very hard for quite a lot of years being the person she thought she should be / wanted to be and buried the person that she was. Even with her so-called MLC - in her case - I don't think she ever did become that person.


I think this is my H exactly. I didn't realize that when this all started. As is obvious from my first four years of posts. I thought I was waiting for the real H to come back, a great man, kind, good father, ethical, faithful.

Now I am starting to think that he was trying to be those things and it never felt like it fit.

I on the other hand, though certainly very damaged from my own screwed up upbringing, was confident, had many talents I was using in my work, was vibrant in so many ways -- and I let all those things fall away, trying to be what I thought a good wife was, a surrender that wasn't about love but just about suppressing my own gifts because I felt unworthy and never thought that H should put aside anything so that I could try to realize any of the path I had been on before him.

I have mentioned this before but before I had faith I remember asking him about his faith once and he said that he really needed it, that I had no idea how bad he was. I thought he was just expressing some kind of Catholic guilt. Now I think of that and shiver. Now he is that bad and says he is finally being himself. I still believe he had a mental break that was MLC, I just think that the machine was already very broken. He could have healed himself through family life and self-giving love, but it didn't go that way. I think in all our cases, we could have healed each other's wounds, like that book by Harville Hendricks says. But the MLC plus demons was too strong. Even when I think of what my H is doing now, I was thinking that even if he wasn't that happy in his marriage, he always loved having a home, a place, and I would have taken him back until maybe a year ago. I was waiting until then. The last year I have been asking God for permission not to wait for him anymore and never to have to consider that again. Now he is running from place to place and saying he has nowhere to live -- just now he is heading to one of the world's COVID epicenters to live with his parents for a month because he says he has no money but won't settle even at 50-50 with me, keeps saying he doesn't believe the documentation or the appraisal. So he could actually have part of the equity now and set up a life for himself but he just keeps litigating and running, it's so weird. He is totally uncomfortable in any identity. He left his own country as a young child, escaping with his parents and never seeing his grandparents anymore, coming to this country with no money and his parents always at work. I think the attachment disorder was overwhelming, and then exacerbated by a lot of abuse, alcoholism, etc.

All of that said, this last week my D11 was with him in the state in which he lives now, the longest she was ever away. I was worried about her but tried to just use my days well, and every night took bike rides to the river and sat there looking at the sunset and watching the world grow dark and thinking thinking thinking. I feel like I am on a precipice now of letting something go. It will be much easier when this @#(@#@*#(& divorce is over but I start to imagine -- what would it feel like if I didn't think about the past anymore, no matter how bad it was or how many mistakes I made or how my kids are suffering -- what if I just started now, this is day one. I might only be half way through my life, if I am lucky. Even a part of that is a long time of wonderful things to see and do, even if pain and suffering comes and goes. And it's a lot of time to be a light to others and see the world, at least post-Covid. I still wake up in terror and grief a lot of the time, but for one thing H would never know that, I am pretty confident now in the divorce proceedings as my own lawyer, even if I am a little scared of our very unfair and possibly evil judge -- and for another, I think I am finally seeing an opening to seeing my life as just beginning. I don't know if I would ever consider having a man in my life in a real way, but everything else is wide open!

Last edited by Gerda; 07/30/20 07:53 PM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Originally Posted by Gerda
I think I am finally seeing an opening to seeing my life as just beginning


This is awesome! I imagine it feels freeing to say this. I believe each day can be a new beginning. So many possibilities. You have come a long way, my friend.


M: 56
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Gerda Offline OP
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Hi, Job -- it was an accidental post!


I have deleted it for you.

Last edited by job; 08/02/20 12:59 PM. Reason: replied to Gerda's posting re accidental posting...deleted it for her

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Good Morning Gerda

Ah vacation.

Your bicycle rides by the waters edge, the last drops of sunset splashing through the trees as twilight takes hold. Invigorating. Recharging.

I agree your Hs behaviour of litigation and running is weird. He is very much still running. I do wonder when/if he will tire.

It is nice to read your standing at an emotional precipice, looking, considering, planning, to let go of something.

For most times, letting go, feels like it is us that will fall off the cliff. Feelings. smile Consider and change your view. What you let go of falls away, you remain, overlooking the precipice watching it float away. Letting go is just letting go a piece, not letting go of you.

Originally Posted by Gerda
... I start to imagine -- what would it feel like if I didn't think about the past anymore, no matter how bad it was or how many mistakes I made or how my kids are suffering -- what if I just started now, this is day one.

Yes. Imagine. What would it be like to not have these feelings of the past. To accept, understand, forgive, and welcome your demons. Imagination is the first step in the creation of reality.

You stand atop the precipice, looking out, what do you need to let float away, to bring that fulfilling imagination to fruition.

You are strong, confident, and secure. Let go. You wont fall.

D


Now: Me54 XW50 S24 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
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Originally Posted by DnJ
For most times, letting go, feels like it is us that will fall off the cliff. Feelings. smile Consider and change your view. What you let go of falls away, you remain, overlooking the precipice watching it float away. Letting go is just letting go a piece, not letting go of you.

Hi Gerda,

I find this statement so true. We were the ones left behind, left wanting for more, wanting some kind of answer or closure from all of this...left with the fear of uncertainty and loss, left with so much confusion and answers to find about ourselves.

Dnj makes me feel peace and you make me feel hope...hope for ME. Your post on my site after my return really helped to pull me out of an emotional slump. Thank you for that.

You have come so far and through so much (((Hugs)))

Kindly

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