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A Message from Michele
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Re: And then it was over. [Re: BlueSea] #2895933
05/27/20 01:19 AM
05/27/20 01:19 AM
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 99
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Liz11 Offline
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Posts: 99
LH, that post was outstanding.


I'm 40, H is 36. No kids. No infidelity of which I'm aware.
Mini BD January 2020 -- not sure if he wants to try anymore
BD March 2020 -- separation
Re: And then it was over. [Re: BlueSea] #2895934
05/27/20 02:08 AM
05/27/20 02:08 AM
Joined: May 2020
Posts: 294
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Posts: 294
What an amazing post! Thanks for sharing with us LH!

Re: And then it was over. [Re: BlueSea] #2895944
05/27/20 05:45 AM
05/27/20 05:45 AM
Joined: May 2020
Posts: 122
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BlueSea Offline OP
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LH - I have bought many books, I have listened to audio tapes & podcasts, I have had DB counseling....but THIS IS THE BEST AND MOST CLEAR advice that just crystallizes exactly what is going on with the WAS for the LBS ... all in one post.

Everyone should read this - THANK YOU LH!!! smile


M:50 H:49
D:16 S:13
M:23 T:25
BD: Feb 25th 2020
EA/PA: Dec 2019 - June 11, 2020
Behind every broken woman is a broken man...
Re: And then it was over. [Re: BlueSea] #2895950
05/27/20 08:00 AM
05/27/20 08:00 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,976
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LH19 Offline
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You’re welcome. It’s just information I’ve gathered over the last fives years on the WW/LBS dynamic.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: And then it was over. [Re: LH19] #2895951
05/27/20 08:39 AM
05/27/20 08:39 AM
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 11
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darkhair Offline
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Posts: 11
I'll keep this with me, to read and re-read when I feel like I'm going crazy.
Thank you so much!

Re: And then it was over. [Re: BlueSea] #2895953
05/27/20 10:37 AM
05/27/20 10:37 AM
Joined: May 2020
Posts: 23
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I was thinking how much I wish I could have read this post 6 months back, then I had to remind myself how completely oblivious I was to how bad things had actually become from my W's perspective. An excellent explanation of what is happening during the lead up to BD Day, and what the only remedy is once that point is reached. IMHO the post would be a nice addition to the welcome post which greets us after our first posting.

Re: And then it was over. [Re: BlueSea] #2895956
05/27/20 12:20 PM
05/27/20 12:20 PM
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Posts: 122
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BlueSea Offline OP
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LH - What do you do with a WAS spouse that is having a EA/PA actively while living with you at home?

Do you ask him to leave?

If I do, I know he is just going to run straight into her arms. Then what? Then how will he see any changes or burn thru that resentment when he will have started a 'new' life, and be filling his mind with the OW. To me that would just prolong it all.

If I can tolerate what he is doing (which is so so painful) will he just eventually come back? Its hard for me to understand how, if he is not here, will he see any changes?

What have you seen that works?


M:50 H:49
D:16 S:13
M:23 T:25
BD: Feb 25th 2020
EA/PA: Dec 2019 - June 11, 2020
Behind every broken woman is a broken man...
Re: And then it was over. [Re: BlueSea] #2895960
05/27/20 12:59 PM
05/27/20 12:59 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,976
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LH19 Offline
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LH19  Offline
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Originally Posted by MistySea
LH - What do you do with a WAS spouse that is having a EA/PA actively while living with you at home?

Do you ask him to leave?

If I do, I know he is just going to run straight into her arms. Then what? Then how will he see any changes or burn thru that resentment when he will have started a 'new' life, and be filling his mind with the OW. To me that would just prolong it all.

If I can tolerate what he is doing (which is so so painful) will he just eventually come back? Its hard for me to understand how, if he is not here, will he see any changes?

What have you seen that works?


Your best bet would be to ask him to leave and drive him right into her arms. You can easily convince yourself that this advice is ridiculous, overblown, not necessary in your case, etc etc but in reality you're feeling that it's too scary. Sit with that for a while -- analyze the fear. Look at it from different angles and understand it. What are you afraid of and why? Your fear holds you back and must be dealt with.

Do you know when you are 100% most likely to reconcile effectively?

When you no longer care if you do or not.

That's the honest and sad truth. Reconciliation requires a level playing field, an even starting line. BOTH of you need to be willing to walk and to believe the other one will leave. That makes you something worth having.

You are micro-focused in your questions above -- you need a big picture view.

Your very best chance of turning this around is as follows:

-- Do not do anything to support or enable his affair
-- Do not tolerate having it go on before you, kick the elephant out of the room. Don't be punishing about it, just remove yourself from situations where you are being disrespected
-- Ask him to move out. Do NOT co-habitate with a cheater. It's TOO HARD to save your marriage effectively in that context
-- Talk to a lawyer immediately, hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Begin accepting that you have to completely let him go in order to get her back
-- Tell him you will not support him if you are no longer acting as a married couple.

Is this harsh? Does it seem crazy? Is it like stepping off a cliff? I guarantee you'll look back two years from now and regret that you didn't do these things -- I guarantee that.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: And then it was over. [Re: LH19] #2895984
05/27/20 03:51 PM
05/27/20 03:51 PM
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 11
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darkhair Offline
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Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 11
Don't want to hijack your thread but I asked him to leave. In front of her.
He doesn't want to leave.
He doesn't really know if he wants a divorce or not.
And the OW asks him to divorce as soon as possible or she'll no longer speaks to him. B..it.
He still doesn't know what's best for him and doesn't see a future for us.

LH19, you're an inspiration

M: 56, H:56
M:32, T:36
D31, D20
OW 33

Re: And then it was over. [Re: darkhair] #2895989
05/27/20 04:03 PM
05/27/20 04:03 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,790
Southern Maryland
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Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,790
Southern Maryland
darkhair,

Please create a thread of your own so that we can be of assistance to you. You have been on moderation since December 2011 and I would like to remove you from moderation so that the moderators do not have to approve/disapprove every one of your postings because of the moderation status.

Sorry for the hi-jack.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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