Telling friends and family that a spouse is cheating reduces your chances of reconciliation, but your case is unique, because she's painted you as an abuser and you can prove she's lying. I'm so happy you vindicated yourself to your circle of shared friends. I'm also glad your D was brave enough to speak up. Rock on.
Alright sorry, D8 wanted to make cookies with D15 and apparently we were out of sugar. Problem has been solved! Lol
Anyway, as we are all talking and having a good time my phone starts going off. Text after text. Of course it’s the W. She is absolutely verbally going after me. Telling me I ruined her life. They are her friends and I shouldn’t have ever talked to them. Friend 1 shows me what she texted my W. It actually wasn’t horrible. It just said I know the truth. Your H knows where you live now and i really hope he files for divorce and keeps those kids away from you until you get the help you need. You don’t deserve any of them. And until you do get help you are not welcome in my life either. The other friends said exactly the same thing. It was like a text message intervention. Only way to describe it. Anyway, my W admits she drove by the house and saw friend 1s car and accuses me of having an affair with her. Her friend did decide to text her no matter what you say or do it’s not going to change the reality of the situation. And **** (her fiancé) is well aware of where I am. I don’t have to lie about my life and what I do. Again she says please don’t contact her or her family or talk about her or her family until she gets the help she desperately needs. And she does offer to help her if she’s serious about getting help.
I don’t hear from her for about an hour. Everyone leaves and promises to keep in touch and asks if they can see the kids soon again. Than the W texts me again. And than I get a call from a blocked number. I don’t answer this time. But I do look at the texts. Basically she’s begging for forgiveness and knows what she did was messed up. She wants to come home and try to fix our marriage. She loves me and over the last couple of months all she could think about was me. And please please let’s work this out.
I’ll be honest. I know it’s not real. I know every word she just said is complete non sense. But good lord have I wanted to hear them. But again that’s the point. She knows what i want to hear. I didn’t respond but I’m very tempted too. I really wanna say if you are serious and want to work on things you know my conditions. I want the complete truth. We stay separated for a year. You go to IC and anger management and than we start a religious based MCing. But again I know none of what she just said is real.
I’m staying the course. Taking care of myself. Taking care of my kids and rebuilding my life as a single father of 5 and kicking @$$ at it too!
Idk what the future holds. No one does, but i do know I have a say in it. And I choose happiness. I choose myself. I choose my kids. I decide what the next chapter looks like. I’m writing my own book. I’m not allowing someone else to have the pen anymore. Maybe one day I’ll meet someone who’s worth letting them share chapters, but they’ll never control the book again.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Thanks KC. I’ll admit I had things backwards for far to long. I was a husband first and a father second. Completely my mistake and one I’ll never make again. I’m a father first and a person second. I deserve to be loved unconditionally. I deserve to be treated the way I treat people. With kindness and compassion. My kids deserve a good role model. My son deserves to have a man he can look up to and be proud of. My daughters need to know their dad will never crumble, don’t accept abuse and you can make it on your own. And that’s exactly what they’ll get.
CW, I appreciate the back up. I know my sitch is a little different and if I’ve learned anything it’s never take anything for granted and never say never. But if my W and I were ever able to get back together...well it’d have to take something i genuinely can’t imagine. It’d have to take her becoming the woman I knew for 10 plus years before this started. And she will never be the same. And neither will I. But if by some divine intervention that does happen...well you guys will be the first to know lol.
Last edited by JosephS; 05/19/2001:29 AM.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Wow Joesph, I haven’t read your thread before but this is so inspiring! You sound in such a good headspace right now, and your ability to parent your children so effectively through all of this is nothing short of admirable. I will keep following, and I so hope things work out the way you want and deserve!
M:49 H:49 T:20 M:18 D:16 D:14
EA: Feb 2019-May 2020 Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020 H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020 EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020 Recon #2: since Nov 2020
Thanks Neffer. I do have my self respect back. Amazing how long it truly was gone. I’m not gonna pretend like it doesn’t hurt. It does. I do still miss what we HAD. That’s the key word. Had. I do not miss what we have. Ive accepted this is my life. I’ve accepted though I’m not perfect, no one is, I didn’t deserve what her plan was. And that was to take my kids in the middle of the night on my birthday. I still can’t wrap my head around that one. But whatever. I believe god intervened on me and my children’s behalf. We reap what we sow. My W blazed her own path. Since she’s left she’s seen our 5 kids together once on Easter. That was the last time she saw 4 of them. She hasn’t spoken to 3 of them since than either. D15 she talked to but that was just so D15 could talk to her about the abuse. That was the day my W in text admitted she hit D15 “but only when she was in trouble” and that was the day D15 found her strength to go through with the evaluation. She’s obviously talked to D8 since. She’s been fired from the career she loved and genuinely was awesome at. She’s absolutely sowing what she reaped.
I’m good with where my life is, well where it’s going anyway. I’ve decided I can either wallow in my own pit of despair or I can climb out of it and live. We only get one life to live. Why spend it being flat out miserable.
As I said last night. Idk what the future holds. Technically neither one of us has filed for divorce which I still find amazing considering the circumstances. But we haven’t. I wanted to a few days ago or a week ago whatever it’s been. But I found more inner peace in forgetting about it for now and focusing on myself and my kids and getting custody. She didn’t want to give me the address to start the process so I’ve accepted that for now and moved onto different aspects that need to be focused on. I can’t take on everything at once and by myself. I don’t want to be overwhelmed anymore. And though I do now have her address, i just don’t care enough to move on it as of now. I’m not holding onto that thought like we still may get back together like I was and for me that’s what’s important. How I feel. And as long as my feelings and thoughts aren’t self destructive Im ok with it
Last edited by JosephS; 05/19/2003:24 PM.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
But I do look at the texts. Basically she’s begging for forgiveness and knows what she did was messed up. She wants to come home and try to fix our marriage. She loves me and over the last couple of months all she could think about was me. And please please let’s work this out.
I’ll be honest. I know it’s not real. I know every word she just said is complete non sense. But good lord have I wanted to hear them. But again that’s the point. She knows what i want to hear. I didn’t respond but I’m very tempted too. I really wanna say if you are serious and want to work on things you know my conditions. I want the complete truth. We stay separated for a year. You go to IC and anger management and than we start a religious based MCing. But again I know none of what she just said is real.
She isn't serious about wanting back.........she's emotional b/c of the CPS, and b/c her friends dumped her all at the same time. That's all this is about. She may be saying words you've wanted to hear, but don't be fooled by them.
Since you stated a few terms of reconciliation, I suggest you don't mention them every time she brings the subject up. The reason is b/c she doesn't seriously want to reconcile the MR, she's just trying to get her friends back and get CPS off her back. It won't stop CPS, but she isn't thinking rationally, she's reacting from fear.
For her, reacting from this fear (which isn't the highest level, IMHO) means she has to manipulate the source. That's why she tried to set the trap the other day, looking all dolled up and using her body language to do her talking. If she could work on your soft spot (which is your feelings for the woman she was before her mother died), then she'll be able to patch things (falsely) long enough to take some heat off her. The two things that are her biggest concerns at the moment, are CPS evaluations and the loss of her friends. She may not lose her friends, but she knows they aren't happy with her.
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Ive accepted this is my life. I’ve accepted though I’m not perfect, no one is, I didn’t deserve what her plan was. And that was to take my kids in the middle of the night on my birthday. I still can’t wrap my head around that one. But whatever. I believe god intervened on me and my children’s behalf. We reap what we sow. My W blazed her own path. Since she’s left she’s seen our 5 kids together once on Easter. That was the last time she saw 4 of them. She hasn’t spoken to 3 of them since than either. D15 she talked to but that was just so D15 could talk to her about the abuse. That was the day my W in text admitted she hit D15 “but only when she was in trouble” and that was the day D15 found her strength to go through with the evaluation. She’s obviously talked to D8 since. She’s been fired from the career she loved and genuinely was awesome at. She’s absolutely sowing what she reaped.
Your W's world outwardly appears shaky, but she may have to experience a few more consequences from her bad decisions, before she is truly ready to let go of OM and get therapy for her real issues. IMHO, she needs to realize she has brought all of these result upon herself. It's not the fault of her H, her children, her friends, or anyone else. She will need to accept the fact she can't manipulate her way in & out of their lives whenever it's convenient for her. Maybe she's always been a manipulator, IDK. Some women are very good at manipulation, and you know they are the best......when individuals she manipulates never catch on, or they know but feel powerless. Some family members and/or friends often allow it, b/c they want a relationship with the manipulator and they feel they have to overlook it......somehow. I think the manipulator has to be convinced it doesn't work, by failed attempts.
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I’m good with where my life is, well where it’s going anyway. I’ve decided I can either wallow in my own pit of despair or I can climb out of it and live. We only get one life to live. Why spend it being flat out miserable.
Music to the ears! You are doing a great job.
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As I said last night. Idk what the future holds. Technically neither one of us has filed for divorce which I still find amazing considering the circumstances. But we haven’t. I wanted to a few days ago or a week ago whatever it’s been. But I found more inner peace in forgetting about it for now and focusing on myself and my kids and getting custody. She didn’t want to give me the address to start the process so I’ve accepted that for now and moved onto different aspects that need to be focused on. I can’t take on everything at once and by myself. I don’t want to be overwhelmed anymore. And though I do now have her address, i just don’t care enough to move on it as of now. I’m not holding onto that thought like we still may get back together like I was and for me that’s what’s important. How I feel. And as long as my feelings and thoughts aren’t self destructive Im ok with it
There are few newcomers who have faced the same situation and was able to find this place within their own mind/heart. Those words, "Know thyself", carries a punch.
BTW, don't be surprised if she shows up at your front door some night, crying, saying she has nowhere else to go. You need to know, now, how you intend to deal with her......should it happen. She's not through with her bag of tricks, yet. If other attempts fail, I think she'll call, threatening to harm herself. Just be as prepared as you can for most anything.
When she stops attempting to manipulate, and if she decides to do whatever is necessary to save her MR and her family, I think you'll see a different side of her. Instead of all the melodramatic scenes, she'll be calmer.....and won't be so emotionally reactive. Depending on whether or not she feels remorse at that stage, may determine any hint of a humble attitude. If she's expressing anger at anyone other than herself.......then I would be extremely hesitate in taking her back. IMHO, the initial goal should not be for her to move home. For example, in addition to the current child counseling, family therapy will probably be needed.....after she ends her affair, and prior to any decision of moving back home. Ultimately, the healing and restoration of the family is the goal. (((hugs)))
I am not a mental health expert by any means, nor a professional therapist. I am familiar with WW's mindset/behavior. So take this FWIW.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you for the compliments, It hasn’t been easy to find myself and “know thyself” because I wasn’t sure who that was when she first left. If it wasn’t for the support I received on this site and the other sitchs I’ve read I’d probably still be a bowl of mush begging her to come back.
But the biggest thing for me was watching what she was doing to my kids. They have been my savior. They are my world. I maybe the one who “takes care of them” but I’ll never be able to repay them for getting me out of this funk and getting my butt in gear.
I’m sure she will still try every trick. And if it wasn’t for you and LH I’d probably would have fallen for it previously. But I’m ok now. If she calls and is suicidal, I won’t answer, but I will let her brother know. If she’s texts, I’ll text back with the suicide hotline. I have my plans in place.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
