Well, it’s been a few weeks since I’ve been on and it was because things were kind of in a stale holding pattern with H. Quarantine has been interesting, and he has only gone to walk with his friends.
So in therapy, my IC has mentioned that I need to include him in decisions, treat him like he is part of the family. So, my car lease was up. I needed to know if I should get a car more economical for me only, or a model similar to our current car. Last week, I held my breath and broached the question; Me-hey the lease is up on my car soon, do you have any opinion? H- opinion on what? Me-what kind of car should I get? H- get what we have again. Me-ok, let me see what is available. I was thinking of getting “X” but it is too expensive, let me see what I can find out.
So during the week, I wanted to speak with him, but he would go to work and come home and never talk to me or D. Finally, Friday I told him I had narrowed the car down, he expressed the color he wanted and wanted to know what dealers I had called and did I get a good deal. I answered his questions, thinking this is a good thing, I am including him and having a normal conversation. This car is always in my name only, so ultimately my responsibility but I wanted to include him.
Today I got the car. When I came home, he was napping. When he woke up I asked him if he wanted to see the car and if I could show him. He said yes. So we went outside and I showed him the features and the bells and whistles. I was in the middle of making dinner so I offered to him to take it for a spin. He did and when he came back I noticed his cell was open to the camera. Friends, I went onto his fake Facebook and he posted “look at my new rocket ship” next race car will be in “. ..” the other woman’s country. Ugh. OW1 has moved on, and apparently he has #2 now. Also in the other country. The only reason I know this is she reacted to his post. I looked and he had posted “I love you” to her profile pic. So, although I am encouraged by his ability to speak with me, he isn’t still way lost and that makes me sad. On the plus side, I got a new car that is ALL MINE.
This guy is in LA-LA fantasy land. I would just stick to focusing on yourself. And I would stop going into his phone. I know, easier said than done. I was a serial snooper and it almost ALWAYS set me back, especially early on when I was struggling so much to DB properly.
Head up!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, I should mention, his phone never leaves his hand! I noticed the camera was open when he walked in with it. Also, it is helpful that it is with him always, because I probably would snoop. Additionally, it is a work issued phone, so I never could see the bill, so that is even more helpful.
But you are right, he is in fantasy land. This MLC has been going on for a little over a year, and I am still shocked that my formerly level headed 57 year old husband has turned into a 14 year old teen. (No disrespect to the teens)
I need to continue my DB and not think about what he is doing.
Happy 4th everyone. I have a question, my H has been out of town for about a week and a half. During the time he was gone, I initiated a couple of texts and surprisingly, he responded with more than a one word answer.
He returned yesterday. Pleasant enough, but I did not bug him. This morning, he asked if I needed gas in my car (yes) and took it to get washed as well as a fill up. He also went to get his truck washed afterwards. The reason this is brought up is that he was in the habit of leaving the house without telling me where he was going. This has been a year plus of that. He told me where he was going then left. The filling up the car, used to be something he always did for me, then he stopped, now he is doing it again. I made breakfast, I asked if he wanted anything, (since I was in the kitchen already) and he said yes and ate. Those of you familiar with my situation know eating meals was a biggie for me.
My question is, does this behavior mean anything? As far as I know, he is still with his out of country 27 year old (whom he has never met) but he is being more like my old H. I’m not ready to speak to him about this as it isn’t still too new, (2 days!) does anyone have any advice, besides for me to continue GAL. I am full of hope, yet right now, he isn’t isolated in the other room, so whatever he is doing, isn’t all positive.
From what I have read in other situations on the board you should not change anything yet. Continue GAL, 180, and detaching. Take it slow. Don't bring up the M yet, let him show some consistency. You don't want any expectations now.
Weird moment-my H leaves before me in the morning and usually is home before me in the afternoon. I was at work and knew I needed to stay late. I texted to just tell him, I’d be late, and asked if he could take the trash cans to the curb. He responded yes. I ended up being almost three hours late getting home. I figured I wouldn’t see him, as he would be holed up in the bedroom with the door closed. He was in the room, and then he came out to say hi, nothing else. I almost think he was checking to see if I was working or playing. I know it’s nothing, but after almost 14 months this was a first.
Thanks for stopping in on my thread. It is certainly bizarre when WAS starts peeking out of the tunnel. I see you are a few months behind me. My WAW/MLC has also begun showing signs of who she was starting about 3 or 4 months ago, but they are very scattered and sporadic.
About two weeks ago, there was a ten minute conversation that W initiated that made me feel like we were back about 3-4 years ago. It was great, but very brief before W reverted and withdrew.
After reading so much here about MLC and crises and WASes, I believe that there is truth to what is written here. Learning to let go is a very challenging thing to do, but at least as far as i can see, it is the only thing that works.
It is nice to see these touch and gos - but very important not to pursue. That's pressure.
My advice is the same I would give myself. Leave him work it out. It's tough because we want to know, but it is them that has to figure it out.
GAL and focus on yourself like you have been. Whatever he is doing isn't going to make you any more certain of the future. I think you are on the right path - ignoring the bad behavior and acknowledging the good.
My H gets bonuses. Not on a set schedule, but when he does they can be a nice cushion. He has his paycheck directly deposited into our joint account, and I still pay all the bills. Last year, during all of this, he set the bonuses to be paid in a check to him. He has a separate bank account with me as the beneficiary, where he puts those bonuses. He has spent these bonuses on his MLC life. This is his behavior. A couple of weeks ago, he needed $200, he called me when I had just seen him at home, when I was out at a drive thru, to tell me he needed money. I told him, we needed it back as we have a tax bill. I asked if he was getting a bonus and he said “he hoped so”
Yesterday, I guessed he got a check because he was looking for a bill he pays as part of the household. He would t be looking to pay if he didn’t have a bonus. I logged in to his payroll co, and confirmed. I didn’t confront, but I wanted him to know that I discovered it. Here is our convo: Me-I logged in and see you got a bo— h- (cuts me off with attitude)-yea, I got one. Me-we’ll we have taxes due next week H-you’ll get your money Me-did you want me to deposit it on our account? H-I already deposited into mine. I’ll get it to you, don’t worry. So I just said, ok and left the room.
He was very defensive, and probably mad, i figured out he got money. This is one of our issues, as hiding the deposits, has caused issues with filing, as we get the W2, and they are quite different than what we have. All of the niceties, the little conversations, seems wiped out by his attitude. Why does he still live here? My IC says he has no plan. It’s frustrating. I of course, want to stand and I, like you have no time limit. I believe he has underlying issues that need to be addressed. But this morning, I feel like the BD just happened.
I needed to see your post to me, remind myself, GAL and let go.
