Well, this week will be one year since my H said he didn’t want to be married anymore.
What a year it has been. I have found so much out about me in this time, one most importantly, is that I am patient.
I wonder what he thinks, if he realizes it has been a year. In my mind, nothing much has changed for him. I am sure that when he uttered those words he thought he would be in a different place now, instead of living in our daughters room, with a failed engagement and a “roommate” who is getting her own life and doing her own thing.
The pandemic of course has changed everyone’s plans. After a bit of a hiccup last month, I have resolved to treat me with kid gloves. I have been baking, (sharing or freezing extras) watching shows I want to see and I got back into reading. My H and I both are still working, albeit not a ton of hours, but we do leave the house daily. H has shared some meals with D and I either ordering takeout or bring some home. He won’t eat with us, but he acknowledges we might want food. We are in a great climate, and he seems to have begun walking with some friends “socially distant”.
When the BD happened, I was naive to hope that this week we would be redoing our vows and and having a vacation. I have learned it is ok to dream, but we are far from that as a quick resolution.
My H and I have not had any relationship conversations, sometimes I want to ask what his plans are, but why? I am standing in my truth and truly want to stay married to this man. I feel if I ask, he is not ready, so why push him. Our families and friends aren’t even aware of this (Christmas he was “normal” and we had a celebration for birthdays nd he traveled in the same car within me to the restaurant and faked it) his friends might know, but I don’t ask.
I guess, this post is for me to mark this moment in time for me even with all of my jumbled thoughts and to thank this community. I may not post a bunch, but when I have, you all have reached out to suggest and to help me. Let’s hope for a healthy upcoming year for all of us. Keep the faith.
PLC
Last edited by job; 05/04/2011:59 AM. Reason: added link to previous thread
Hi PLC, you are patient indeed, and kind. Your H does not deserve you, but then none of the spouses on here deserve any of us! Failed engagement, yuck. LH is so correct when it says it takes years for these things to play out. Patience is a hard thing to learn but wow, aren't we better people after all this? My family are also unaware of our separation, and only a tiny circle of my friends know, and sometimes I find this the toughest part of all, like it's impossible to be honest with people you like or love. You are so right though that if you need to ask then he's not ready. Stay strong there, keep detaching
Thank you, dillydaf- I appreciate reading that others are dealing with the same as me. It’s horrible, no one deserves this, but misery loves company. I haven’t told anyone except my therapist. Since my husband did travel so much with work, it is easy to explain things away. That being said, that could be one of the many facets to this situation. That’s what therapy is helping me with, that and GALing. I will go back and look for your situation. I like having connections on here. We truly are all together with this. PLC
Hi PLC, yes my H was also away a lot or working crazy hours so my neighbours barely noticed him gone until recently. It's kind of a pattern on here that spouses who are absent a lot eventually become emotionally absent, especially Hs I feel. I look back now at the couple of years before BD and wonder whether my H was actually working all those hours or whether he was busy having an A or multiple As as well. Nothing would surprise me after some of the sitches I read on here. I do think it is easier for a spouse to return to the M if fewer people know about it, which is one reason I have not broadcast my sitch beyond a trusted few. Now, it's more embarrassment and not wanting to be quizzed about it. I can imagine telling my family several years post D
When we got married, his parents got a divorce. I guess it had been long in coming (married out of duty, she was still in HS-different times) Anyway, he became very imbedded in my family. We were intact and welcomed him. He has always been generous with time and even gives everyone a gift just from him at the holidays (this past year, no different) everyone seems to look up to him, coworkers and friends alike. I think that is part of the problem within him. How can he be so good and have this huge deception? I too, feel it would be hard for him to come back if everyone knows. One reason is just what I said, everyone thinks so highly of him, if they all knew it would be too much even though he set the wheels in motion with his behavior. When I see little glimpses of my old H, I am encouraged that he is still in there somewhere. My counselor has classified him a clear cut MLC, his issue is he needs to be happy within and right now he’s struggling with that. I know I didn’t help, but the way this was explained to me is that regardless of who he married, he would be in crisis eventually. This is within him only. So all I can do is wait,but not wait. It is a delicate dance!
Journaling-A year ago today, our D was home from grad school between Spring and Summer for a quick visit. During her time at school, H and I had begun to head to the beach for breakfast. We had found “our place”. We wanted to share with D. That morning, we all woke up early and headed to the beach. During the night before, his phone kept going off with text messages, when I asked what was going on, he told me one of his guys on his crew did not come home and the wife was texting my H worried. I now think it was the OW that he had met when he recently was out of the country. During breakfast, he wasn’t a jerk, but he wasn’t engaged, either. After breakfast, we came home. No browsing stores or taking scenic drives. He was “tired”. Nothing new. When we got home, I can’t remember exactly what happened, but I do remember later in the day, my D and I left to go shopping. He did not want to go. He was distancing himself more, because I remember specifically asking him, if he was ok. His answer, “I’m just tired” three days later BD, and two weeks from today, last year, he left for over three months for work. Wow. It went in the blink of an eye.
Hi PLC, yes my H was also away a lot or working crazy hours so my neighbours barely noticed him gone until recently. It's kind of a pattern on here that spouses who are absent a lot eventually become emotionally absent, especially Hs I feel.
This reminds me that our big move few years ago for H’s current job was supposed to be “less working, more family.” And the truth is that my H no longer has a demanding work schedule like before, yet he is still constantly stuck in work mode and never once take the given opportunity to put more effort into our family life. Makes me think that it was never about much work he has. If there is a will, there is a way.
PLC, you have been incredibly patient. Stay strong!
PLC, I will echo what the others have said. I am in awe of your patience. Being able to go without relationship conversations for so long is amazing. I hate not knowing what is in their mind. What are they thinking? Planning? It's rough.
me: 46 h: 49 m: 24 T: 27 DD1:20 DD2:17 DS:12 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019 Now: He is in the same house, but has filed for divorce.
Thank you Woo a and Oceangl- Patient or avoidance, either way his behavior at this point is leaving for work, coming home, heading for a walk, comes home takes shower closes himself in the room. He will say hi if he happens to walk in a room I am in. At this point, I am used to this. When he left after the BD for work, I got used to being alone. I think it helped.
I remarked to my IC yesterday, I should tell H happy one year BD. Lol. I won’t. I know eventually we will have some sort of conversation, but I’m not ready, so I won’t ask.
wonder what he thinks, if he realizes it has been a year. In my mind, nothing much has changed for him. I am sure that when he uttered those words he thought he would be in a different place now, instead of living in our daughters room, with a failed engagement and a “roommate” who is getting her own life and doing her own thing.
Wow, PLC, I think this about my H too. I’m about a month away from the anniversary. So weird, isn’t it? I’ve been wondering if H ever takes stock of how long it’s been and why he’s not D by now, or what he thinks his life will be like in another year. I kind of doubt he does—just distracting himself from that kind of thinking for now.
Do they make Happy BD cards yet? Lol. Obviously a market exists. Maybe we should start our own line...
