A little lost - possible MFC wife

[Tmason]

Got it thanks. I did read them when I first got on the site. I'm working on some, it is hard to avoid others.
W love language is gifts and words of encouragement. Should I not tell her how good she looks? That's something that was missing before, so shouldn't I start? Remember I'm new to this, I'm trying to not push her away, but show her what can be.
I usually do the laundry anyway, but after BD, I was putting away her laundry for her. She asked me to stop, so I did. Now I still do the laundry, but leave it on her side of the bed. I asked her if there were any other things I was doing that was pushing her away. She didn't say anything else, so I've continued with complimenting her.

[Believe6]

T- even if you don't think her MLC is as bad as you thought, and BTW, I don't think my H's is as well, you will go for a roller coaster ride. The conversations about the R may come up and you feel like you can work with that and start showing/talking about how you are changing. But even if it's only mild MLC, they will often go back into the tunnel/fog and may not remember what you said or even change their mind in how they are interpreting their feelings.

This is why detachment is so very important. Please read and re-read all the info connected to the links. I've been doing that since I joined. I was actually lurking here for a couple of weeks before I signed up. I wish I would have had the courage to do it sooner.

I don't think my situation is too late, but it was close. Mine is also "confused" and doesn't know if he wants to stay married. I definitely got the ILYBNILWY speech and I don't want/have passion for you anymore. I know he thinks that. And right now, that is true for him. I think he's in limmerence with the OW, but I am not going to argue about what I believe is just hidden behind his angst and pain.

Right now, what he feels is true for him. What your W feels is true for her. She is confused and the more you push, the more it feels you really don't respect and love her. Both are critical for our spouses' during their journey. If her friends or others are telling her she deserves respect and her feelings matter, but it seems like you aren't allowing or giving her either by doing 'push/pull' behaviors, then you are sunk.

So please do what others are saying and as much as possible, work on you. When you feel like you are going to explode, when you feel lonely, afraid, angry, etc.... come here and vent. Even if you don't get an answer right away, go to other people's postings and read responses. Learn from what others are doing well and where they too are stumbling.

It won't be easy. This is a long process. I am not a patient person, but that is definitely a quality I want and need to have. Not only for my own journey, but for my H who is a more thoughtful, methodical person. My speed has been part of the problem. I need things now and I couldn't wait. I am showing him I can and will. That I am worth it, he is worth it, the M is worth it... our family is worth it.

Slow and steady does win the race. And above all, if you are standing, you must find a way to forgive everything... over and over and over... yourself, her, anyone else involved who may seem like they are sabotaging the relationship.

There is no guarantee what will happen with our M. But if we stand and believe, we must act as if... become the person no fool would want to leave.

Blessings!

[unchien]

T ~ The fact your W recognizes her resentment is encouraging.

Buying gifts, complimenting her, doing laundry - she will likely see all of those things as calculated actions trying to win her back. In these situations they always backfire and have the opposite effect of what is intended. Every newbie here will think it's not true, and they are always proven wrong.

Be prepared to hear criticisms and "reasons" from your W. Addressing her complaints is not your job. Your job is to validate her complaints, when she chooses to raise them. Otherwise, no R talks, no love notes, keep that PMA.

The single best thing you can do is work on detachment and your depression. These things go hand in hand -- work on feeling good about yourself. You have no idea how your MR will unfold from here on out. Be prepared for any outcome.

You aren't going to fix this with words or calculated actions like buying gifts or writing love notes. What might fix this is consistent change in your thoughts, beliefs and attitudes, which will manifest in behavioral changes that your W may or may not notice.

BTW your PMA about IC is fantastic. Keep feeding that PMA. I've gone for several years, on and off. Sometimes it ebbs and flows, there are times I feel like I'm getting less out of it. It may happen with you too. Don't give up on self-improvement.

[Tmason]

Honestly, my depression had affected more than just my marriage. Work was a struggle, friendships were put on hold or lost, etc. I'm working on myself to be a better father, friend, boss and yes husband. I absolutely hated living in depression, it was fog that sucked life and time from me. I will not go back to that place of hopelessness. I may struggle, but I will not go to that depth of depression again.

I will work on the detachment, it's hard when we are still living together. After dinner with the kids last night, we cleaned up and I went downstairs to practice guitar. Something I hadn't done in a while, I'm trying to distant myself from her, but it just feels weird to almost ignore her.


I wrote this down to remember it: become the person no fool would want to leave, that and time + consistency + trustworthiness = trust. My mantra to get through this time.

My morning prayer for the past month has been:
peace, patience, love, forgiveness - may these things live in this house forever.

[unchien]

Tmason ~ Great! I also started playing guitar at night when I started DB'ing. Much better than loitering around the house hoping for my W to strike up a conversation. Didn't make a lick of difference in my MR but it certainly made the limbo more tolerable.

[Tmason]

Yup! Get the creative side going again. Feels good.

[peacetoday]

Hi T

I like what unchien said
work on you

less is more with complimenting ect

she may see it as pursuit

sure help around the house a bit but not overdo anything

I love the idea of an instrument or some creative outlet, art, drawing, gardening, singing
and htere are apps avail for all these things to instruct
Music is so healing...you can purchase a inexpensive keyboard online and learn

playing with kids or connecting via zoom with friends family
practicng being happy..content silently recite a gratitue list and over agin hourly
yes it can be a practice and a choice
even if its for a short time

playing games, walking, meditating, listening to podcast, reading, journeling, biking, hiking if avail in your area
reaching out, spiritual activites ect

work on you..let her see a strong, confident man
get your energy clear

[Believe6]

T,
I hope you have been able to have a productive and peaceful weekend. Still half a day left (at least where I live). It's gotten super quiet and I find I have to fill my time with something. I have never been the biggest housekeeper. I do try to keep the clutter at bay, but my motivation lately has been in the gutter regarding doing more than that.

I have been learning to play the ukulele... it's fun. I am reading a lot, journaling, reaching out to old friends, trying to offer fun videos and supportive articles. It forces me to give, even during this time when I feel so fragile.

I hope you are working on all aspects of self development... physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual. Regardless of what happens to our MR, we need to be the best we can be for ourselves, our kids, our families, friends and coworkers/employees.

I too have struggled with depression and anxiety. I am taking herbs. They help a bit. But we do need to get out of our heads sometimes. Into the world somehow... exercise, movement, etc. helps. Sending peaceful thoughts your way...

patience, peace, love and forgiveness... great things to strive for in your life and home. Blessings!

[Tmason]

Yes, this weekend was productive. We need to do work on the house/yard so we worked together on putting in a chain link fence/gate. It went well, we were able to work well together, we always have worked on projects well together, and it was good to feel like we accomplished something.
On Saturday, W was feeling down because of the lockdown, so she suggested we get all the foods we would get for a party, if we were having one. So we did, then got on Zoom with some friends and did the jackbox.tv games. It was fun and very much needed.
There are times it seems like she is trying to make it work, then other times when she isn't. We have another marriage counseling session on Wednesday but we haven't done what the counselor suggested yet. After our last one, the counselor sent us "homework", and W and I talked about it, I said you need to let me know when you want to do this, she said ok, but hasn't brought it up yet. I don't want to nag about it so I haven't mentioned it either.

I also stopped saying I love you at night and when I leave for work in the morning. It feels weird though because it's something I've said for 23 years. She hasn't said it back to me in weeks, and I've kept it up so stopping is hard. It's automatic. But this is one of the rules right?

I'm still working on me, praying, reading more books on how to deal with depression and exercising daily.

But I do have to ask, the point is to be the best version of yourself. Work on me and improve myself, but doesn't that include being more attentive to those you love? Seeing how they are doing, complimenting them when they look good or doing something good? I do that with my kids. Being a good person is getting out of your own head and focusing on others, how does that jive with the almost ignoring W? or am I misreading the 37 rules?

[HaWho]

Welcome and kudos to you for addressing your depression head on. Good to hear you are finding happiness in the process.

In an ideal world where two people want to work on a marriage, yes, being attentive to your partner is the way to better yourself and your relationship. My understanding from what you have written is that your wife asked for space, expresses confusion about what she wants in the relationship, has stopped returning the phrase “I love you” and most recently, is in no rush to complete the marital assignment given by the counselor.

It takes two to tango. Not so attractive to drag your partner through the dance.