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That a girl KK. I would make it crystal clear you don’t want him contacting you anymore!


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�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
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Now you are taking the rose colored glasses off, nice job!

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Well at the moment I'm avoiding...

I'm not texting him back OR calling.... I suppose that sends it own message.

I'm NOT ready to deal with this.

I'm NOT his secretary.

What am I getting out of this???? NOTHING. I'm doing all the leg work for my H to leave me... F OFF

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So I was given this suggestion by a friend:

Look, I'm sorry things suck and we can work out a time for you to get your stuff but we aren't together so I really just can't be the one you lean on to fix this stuff anymore.

It makes sense to me?

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KC, good job so far with all of this today!!

I would convey what your friends suggested through your actions, not your words. Just direct him to your attorney and don't engage. Like "Pls contact atty for any requests," and I'd just ignore the stimulus check comment.

Definitely take the weekend off for you - he can get his stuff another time, he has lived this long without it.
If he needs xyz documents, he can get them himself.

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KC,
I got excited for ya when I read you final had enough. I can actually feel your pain reading through your story. So proud of ya!


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Originally Posted by KitCat
So I was given this suggestion by a friend:

Look, I'm sorry things suck and we can work out a time for you to get your stuff but we aren't together so I really just can't be the one you lean on to fix this stuff anymore.

It makes sense to me?


I agree with Sam, right sentiment, wrong way of saying it. JUST STICK TO BUSINESS. Tell him you don't have time to take his phone calls and that he needs to respect your privacy (that goes for work as well as home!) Then set his phone number on your phone to mute so it doesn't ring or buzz when he calls. You miss a call or two or twenty from him? GOOD. THAT will send him the message that you're not his personal assistant. You do understand that every time you get a call or text from him it sends you spiraling down all over again? Yes? So why let it happen? You can put an end to that real quick.

He will lean on you as long as you respond. It's his way of controlling you. Once you quit responding, he will stop it.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
You do understand that every time you get a call or text from him it sends you spiraling down all over again? Yes? So why let it happen? You can put an end to that real quick.



THIS --- this is where I am at.

On days I don't hear from him it makes me sad/anxious. On days I hear from him it makes me anxious/hopeful. I do spin. Right now he is texting like mad over a document he needs for his mortgage. It truly is something only I can provide. I was busy last night and ignored all but 1 text. I am truly busy this am and cannot deal with his texts.

He opened up to say that this type of loan has been a nightmare to get through. I ignored.

More texts today. I get that he needs it. Its just not MY emergency. He tells me its not him asking for this but the bank... whatever... you are buying a house and leaving our M... not my circus/not my monkeys.

It is getting easier to ignore him most of the time and not scuttling about trying to please him.

I remind myself if the shoe was on the other foot and I needed him... what would his response be? I doubt he would put in the fraction of the work I am for me.... It is getting easier to think of him being gone. Not 100% there yet and still a work in progress.

Last edited by KitCat; 04/24/20 02:21 PM.
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Really good job thinking with logic instead of being ruled by your emotions Kit, you are growing. Keep going!

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Hi KitKat,

I've been thinking of you. If you and your husband don't share any young children together then things should get significantly better once you finish separating your assets and he gets what he needs from your home, documents, etc.. Then you won't have to talk to him nor hear from him anymore and hopefully you'll be able to breath.

One thing I'd add from my experience is that the chance of reconciliation seems much lower the second time someone wants out of the marriage and has an affair. I don't think it matters so much how you look, whether you validate, or how frequently or infrequently you communicate at this point. It's a tragedy that it felt like your marriage was saved a few years ago and now here you are getting divorced. I'm really sorry for what you're going through. I guess a lot of stars have to align for a marriage to be successful. It still seems like the best chance for your husband to second-guess his decision will be if he and the other woman break up (and if no other woman is already standing by). There's always hope but it would be hard to trust your husband a third time if he comes back.

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