I'm pretty locked into judging right now.. not so much on the accepting. there are moments coming in which are filled with fierce compassion but very intermittent. I suspect over time it will shift. time, the great healer.
Grace given everything, I'd say you're doing marvelously well, and agree with D that the anxious moments are normal. xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D Final 12/23/16
"You know who you were before & during your marriage. Find out who you are now. What are your core values? What do you really want? Then, live it!"
H has been home for a few weeks now. We try to spend as much time together as possible while juggling work, 2 adult kids in the home with their own issues, and other life activities. I continue to engage with my friends, bible study, and other GAL activities. H is attentive, present when we are together, talks a lot about plans for the future, and feels confident about our future together. He is planning a get-away for my birthday next week. It will be nice to be out of the house and just the two of us. We need it.
I stay committed to the process, but reserved about the outcome. Lots of issues he still must overcome. I see them peek out, and I donít think he even notices it himself.
H is testing the waters of Christianity. He comes to church with me every Sunday, and seems to be engaged in the teachings. We discuss them sometimes. I donít pressure him to come, he just gets ready to go and does. He never did this in the 29 years of marriage.
H continues in individual therapy, and we have started couples therapy. Luckily we both feel very positive about our MC. I have been open and vocal about addressing issues as they arise, and he has too. One instance with our daughter left me crying my eyes out. We talked it all out, and that really was a first for us. We both felt heard and validated.
I enjoy his company. He says he enjoys mine. We have always been good companions. Itís hard to not say every little thing on my mind. Hard to not address some big issues, too. Timing seems to be so important. I told him when he moved back that I wanted our home to be a sanctuary, and the tough stuff can be brought up at counseling. He agreed. I sometimes regret those words, and I want to address it NOW.
But, as I know from these boards, H is still fragile, and I will have to sometimes suck it up, well, maybe not sometimes but a lot, and wait for better moments to address the past and some of his current struggles, some of which he doesnít know I know about. We really havenít started that process yet.
H still has demons attacking him. I can feel it. He will need to dig deep, very deep, to overcome their draw. He has quite a ways to go yet. But his desire for a happier, more fulfilling life, is also strong. He has said so. I can strongly sense he wants it to be so. I try not to doubt what I know God can do for people. But I also know H has free choice, and ultimately it will be what he chooses.
I am taking one day at a time. I have no idea what our future holds, but I can see it with H. We just need to heal. I donít know what that looks like, but am willing to see where this next stage of my journey takes me.
I took a break from writing this, and found the old post on piecing that I downloaded quite a while back. I read a bit, and realized I need to give it a good read, from beginning to end. Iím only a few weeks in, and can feel my impatience already. I need to regroup, and remember that this will take time. Lots and lots of time.
It is wonderful to hear from you. And with such interesting and exciting developments.
H is living at home, attending church, going to therapy, talking, and even planning a birthday getaway. Wow!
I can understand your being reserved about all this. Yes, H is still a fragile person. Barely out of the darkness, and getting used to living within his own skin. This takes about 18 months; donít set a stop watch though, it will take what it takes. But of course, you know that.
Originally Posted by Grace21
as I know from these boards, H is still fragile, and I will have to sometimes suck it up, well, maybe not sometimes but a lot, and wait for better moments to address the past and some of his current struggles, some of which he doesnít know I know about. We really havenít started that process yet.
You are correct.
Continue to bite your tongue. Dig really deep for patience. The time for addressing and discussing will come.
Some things others have posted from reconciled and beyond MLC. Those items that are so seemly important right now, do loose their priority and their need to be discussed as time progresses. A new R is being created and lived. Some of the old issues will be left by the wayside, and that is perfectly fine.
Imagine in 5 years from now, or 10, what is currently so pressing to get answered will not even matter. Perspective helps keep patience. Answers will come, no need to push for them. H will offer and speak about things, in time. He needs too, it releases his guilt. Continue to be the safe place for him. You have always done such an excellent job of not placing boulders in his path.
I think H has a very difficult year ahead of him. As he faces more and more of what he has done, and what he was running from, there will be feelings stirred. After running, there is depression, withdrawal, and finally acceptance. From what Iíve read, the stage of withdrawal is truly life altering. Lots of internal reflection and progressing before the final shedding into acceptance. This is a little bit in the future however.
I totally empathize with your rising feelings of impatience. And I have much faith in you. You are an amazing women, with much hard earned wisdom. Truly, a woman only a fool would leave. Remain calm, gentle, and peaceful; life is good.
I agree completely with you. God is working on your H. Remain patient, there is a timeline - itís just not yourís.
We need to remember to allow God to work within us too. His message is all around. And I know you have heard it as well.
I am curious. Do you forgive H?
Bless you Grace. You are doing amazing.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I was away for a few days visiting my parents. Coming home to H and my family felt so good. I missed him. He missed me. Not just because he said so multiple times, but he showed it. It was nice.
While I was away, something was on my mind about H. It was festering, and I knew it could potentially be a difficult topic to discuss with H. I was fearful of how he would respond. I bebated about waiting until our next MC session. I was filled with such anxiety about it, so I decided to broach it over an early morning phone call. We disussed it at length, and I was so glad we did. We really seem to be able to communicate in a way we never did before, and both of us finished the convo feeling good about it. It left me also feeling hopeful about the direction all of this is going.
Originally Posted by DnJ
I am curious. Do you forgive H?
Your timing of this question was amazing, DnJ. My podcast the day you posted it was on forgiveness, and how it doesnít mean you give a free pass to someone.
But to answer your question, I forgave H long ago. It was necessary to get to where I am today. I could not have healed if I was still carrying that burden, and H and I certainly couldnít have started the process of reconciliation if I have not yet forgiven him. I would be blocked from addressing important issues in a healing, productive way. I would be filled with anxiety and resentment. I would be unhappy, feeling unsettled. Forgiveness opened the door to let all of that go. When anxiety or doubt do rear their ugly head, I wonder sometimes if I have truly forgiven him. I believe I have, and that those thoughts could very well be satanís attacks to try to interfere with true reconciliation. I believe Godís will is what will prevail. HE has allowed me to forgive to open the door for whatever HE has in store for me, and my marriage.
H and I in the short 3 weeks he has been home have addressed a few very difficult things, and we navigated it, IMO, lovingly, with understanding, and coming out both feeling validated and heard. Itís amazing that in this short time, we have probably had more emotional intimacy than the previous 29 years.
We have a ways to go for sure, and H has a ways to go individually. The road will be bumpy without a doubt. Only God knows where I will be in 1, 3 or 5 years. But Iím ready for the journey.
I continue to be uplifted by the friendship with, and the concern and advice from, the wise people on this board that have navigated this journey before me.
Grace ~ I am so happy for you and truly inspired by how you have handled yourself throughout your situation. Iím cheering for you and am so impressed with the restraint you show to move things along faster. Keep doing you...itís working.
My dear friend, Gerda, checked in on me yesterday (thanks, Gerda!!), and I got to thinking a lot about all my friends here.-
Too much has happened to post here, but, let me say this. LIFE IS GOOD!
God is good. He saw me through an incredible journey of self discovery and healing. HE works through us here on earth, and brought me to this place of wise counsel that helped me through a tough time. The people here are wise, and helped me in ways I can't even explain.
Believe me when I say that modern day miracles take place every day, and I am witness to that. I see the tough journey my H has gone through, of self-discover, understanding, dealing with guilt and shame, and yes, even healing. God is pursuing him hard, and H is reaching out towards HIS fingertips.
H has been home almost 8 months now. Our marriage is new, fresh. H is present, transparant. We connect on a level now that we never did in probably most of our marriage. We will celebrate 30 years is May.
We are hopeful.
I do not know what life holds. But what I do know is that my journey brought me to a place where I know, deep down, that I am going to be great no matter what. I am living out my life the way I have chosen.
A life of forgiveness.
A life of peace.
A life of joy.
A life filled with miracles both small and large every day.