So I'm new to all of this because last week I just received an unexpected bomb drop from my wife. She said she doesn't want to be married to me anymore right now.
We've been together for almost 15 years, married for 11, and have two kids ages 7 and 2. She is a front line healthcare worker and was recently gone for a few weeks while I was taking care of everything at home with my own job and the childcare while being required to stay at home. Before she left, everything seemed to be good. While we'd had some issues in the past, particularly from a sexual perspective with an ED issue, those appeared to be in the past, really stopping before our 2 year old was born.
When she came back, I expected a happy reunion but things seemed to be a bit tense and I couldn't figure out why. I was very supportive of everything while she was gone and never once had an issue with it even though we didn't get to talk much while she was away because she was so busy. After a few days of tension, I asked her if everything was okay and if she was okay or just stressed out. After trying to pull it out of her for a while, she finally told me that everything wasn't okay and that she had decided while she was gone that she didn't want to be married to me anymore. I was shocked and wondered what had happened. She said she just didn't want to be with me anymore and has now essentially moved to another part of the house and, while she has been somewhat cordial, has limited interactions with me outside of with our kids.
I am not ready for this marriage to be over. I love her more than anything and want to try to work things out, especially because she hasn't really shared what the issue is. I'm giving her space for now and not talking with her about it, but it is really killing me inside. Any advice? Thanks in advance...
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-66, D33,S32
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Read everything and every link that cadet posted above. Since your going to be at home for a while, it will give you something to do.
Have your read DB or DR yet? if not, try to order it today, but be discreet (that can be tougher on home confinement), the books are for you and you only!
I'm guessing you already know, the front line of healthcare is under tremendous pressure right now and she must be feeling it. But that is not the cause of whatever the issue is. Its good your giving her time and space, continue to do that.
Tell us more about you.
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
Giving her space and NOT pleading, NOT asking her to define the relationship, NOT asking what's next, etc. is great because you're not making things worse as you decide on next steps.
Originally Posted by BeChange
Before she left, everything seemed to be good.
What did "good" look like--as a couple did you go out and have fun, date, romance, sex weekly? Did you do something on Valentine's Day (e.g., as simple as dinner out or a gift of flowers or chocolates)?
Originally Posted by BeChange
While we'd had some issues in the past, particularly from a sexual perspective with an ED issue, those appeared to be in the past, really stopping before our 2 year old was born.
If that's been a non-issue for two years, and the BD seemed out-of-the-blue, let's focus elsewhere.
Originally Posted by BeChange
we didn't get to talk much while she was away because she was so busy.
What does that mean? Even assuming 12 hour shifts and 8 hours of sleep there's downtime. How much did she talk to you and the kids while she was away? If she wasn't spending it talking to you, did she tell you anything about who she spent her downtime with and what she did while she was away? A "sudden" change while away for weeks doing something meaningful but stressful with no parents or kids could indicate a mid-life crisis or an affair. Has her interactions with the kids changed since returning? Note, I am not asking you to ask her any questions now! Just asking what you already know to better understand your situation.
Originally Posted by BeChange
everything wasn't okay and that she had decided while she was gone that she didn't want to be married to me anymore.
Oof. I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm sure it'll get rougher before it gets better, but for most of us it does get better. Hang in there! If you celebrate, try to focus on the joy of the upcoming Easter and your kids. Your kids' joy of this holiday isn't dependent on you and your wife's relationship.
Thanks so much for the quick replies. A little more about me:
I'm 41, reasonably attractive, fit, and very easygoing. She is beautiful (objectively), has more of a temper, and is definitely more emotional. In many ways, we balance each other out quite well and always have. We both work full-time, stable jobs and balance childcare and household duties. If anything, I take on more of the childcare and work around the house while she is definitely the household manager.
To answer some of the questions:
Originally Posted by CWarrior
What did "good" look like--as a couple did you go out and have fun, date, romance, sex weekly? Did you do something on Valentine's Day (e.g., as simple as dinner out or a gift of flowers or chocolates)?
We had fun together and enjoy being around each other. With the two young kids, we didn't go out as much as both of us are generally pretty tired. She especially falls asleep early, especially during the week, which limited the amount of time we spend together. We were not at weekly sex for the past several months - more like 2x a month or so - but we were able to get away for a weekend in January that seemed to go really great and where we had sex multiple times throughout the weekend. I try to at least show some level of affection just about every day - kisses and hugs here and there, shoulder and foot rubs, reaching to hold her hand, etc. She has never initiated as much on that front, but she is often the one who initiates sex when we have it (mainly because I can't really do it if she's already sleeping at night).
I got her a nice bouquet of flowers and a thoughtful card for Valentine's Day, which is along the lines of what I typically do (neither of us is huge on the holiday).
Originally Posted by CWarrior
we didn't get to talk much while she was away because she was so busy.
What does that mean? Even assuming 12 hour shifts and 8 hours of sleep there's downtime. How much did she talk to you and the kids while she was away? If she wasn't spending it talking to you, did she tell you anything about who she spent her downtime with and what she did while she was away? A "sudden" change while away for weeks doing something meaningful but stressful with no parents or kids could indicate a mid-life crisis or an affair. Has her interactions with the kids changed since returning? Note, I am not asking you to ask her any questions now! Just asking what you already know to better understand your situation.
She was working longer than 12-hour days and had almost literally no down time (I know that to be true). We generally texted back and forth multiple times during the day just about every day - sometimes with me sending cute pictures of the kids, sometimes talking about the pandemic, sometimes with quick I love yous. We didn't talk on the phone or facetime as much, but we were able to do that with me and with the kids about 2-3 times each week.
Since she's been back, she's been working almost constantly, which has left little time for much of anything else. I'm still responsible for everything at home while she works, which is fine, but it has limited the interactions.
Originally Posted by BeChange
everything wasn't okay and that she had decided while she was gone that she didn't want to be married to me anymore.
Oof. I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm sure it'll get rougher before it gets better, but for most of us it does get better. Hang in there! If you celebrate, try to focus on the joy of the upcoming Easter and your kids. Your kids' joy of this holiday isn't dependent on you and your wife's relationship.
Thank you! We have good stuff ready to go for them...
I want to start off by saying I am really sorry you are here.
I also want to prepare you for the likelihood that your W is having an affair with a coworker.
I also thing you should do some reading on Alpha male qualities. Sounds like your W wears the pants in the relationship and that can be a turn-off and ruin the polarity.
Do you notice her on the phone all the time? Is it password protected?
Thanks for the response. I’ve always thought of our relationship as pretty equal but helpful to hear your thoughts on alpha male and to take a look in more detail. She does frequently text with several different people, both from work and from our social lives. I know her phone password and she knows mine so if she is doing something on that front she’s definitely being very careful because I haven’t noticed anything. Right now we continue to orbit around each other and the kids with relatively normal and mundane interactions, with the main difference being that at night she heads to the guest room once the kids go to sleep, doesn’t wear her rings right now, and is making an effort not to get dressed around me as she normally would, which I guess is an effort to distance me from seeing her without clothes on...
Yeah all normal behavior. She’s trying to show you that you are no longer a married couple anymore. I would be completely shocked if there was a third party involved.
Read up on detachment and focus on yourself and your children. Try to understand that this is going to take a really longtime to play itself out.
Good news is you are here early. Don't pursue a reason. If there is an affair you will find out. Really think back to what issues you had. Did she ever reach out to you about working on issues and they got swept under the rug ? It could have been quick, possible multiple times, but not addressing them could mean things seemed good but were not.
Typically either lingering issues and something or someone triggers them to BD. Not necessarily an affair, but always a possibility. Keep your eyes open there, but don't let that kill you right now.
You will struggle, but you WILL figure this out as nuts as it is right now, but patience and space is key. Validating her (even if you don't agree) will lead to answers.
Very sorry you are here!! Really! Since you are here early and because of corona I would strongly recommend you do your absolute best to GAL. I know that will be hard given lockdowns etc but whatever possible will be great for you and send signals to her. Go out for a walk (alone or preferably with someone else), visit a friend if allowed, work out, read, etc Read as much as you can here!
Do you guys use snapchat?
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
