Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 10 of 11 1 2 8 9 10 11
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
He was not properly socialized and doesn't have a group of buddies that he can hang with. He does have a play date on Wednesday with a friend from his school but that is the first time I have known him to do so. The only kid interaction he gets is from my girls.

I tried early on to do things with him but it just became a beating. I bought him a drone for his birthday and we did that for a bit but then that faded away, I actually think he might have broke it. I know I need to make more of an effort it is just such a whip. He only wants to do what he wants to do and I guess I just need to be ok with that.

We only go to the Doc's 1 night on the weeks that I have them. Usually on a Saturday night we will spend the night at her place, order pizza and watch a movie/play a board game. This past week her son came over and Wednesday and hung out with us during the day and then we went to the water park yday. The girls and I have plenty of alone time.

Yes, I told the Doc what my youngest daughter said. I think she might be jealous of the Doc's son and the toys I have bought him and the time spent with him. She commented about how many toys he has, how he doesn't play with them and also doesn't play with the expensive toy I bought him (the drone). It was like $50.

I know it's something we have to work at. The Doc and I briefly discussed sitting them all down and having a talk. I do know we do treat our kids differently and he especially picks up on it. The Doc is also used to doing her own thing with her son as well not having to cater to anyone else's parenting style. For example, she went and bought her son dipping dots. None of the other three kids there had any and obviously when her son walked up with them all the other kids wanted to go get some. She should have waited, she told me she couldn't hold him off any longer as he kept on pestering her. Well I guess she got him a small and I got the other 3 kids mediums. He noticed and that set him off. I had no clue but since she didn't wait the other kids got a different size. I know that upset him because he came to me asking how much the medium cost. Really the differences we have in parenting are food choices and bed time.

He is only realizing now there is a difference in things and eating the same meal every day and going to be at 7:30 is not that cool. He had no other vantage point because he has not been socialized around other kids. He's like in the garden of eden before anyone ate the fruit.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 4,606
Likes: 8
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 4,606
Likes: 8
Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
Yes, I am happy with the current situation. I get what I want and come and go as I please. When I need a break I just retreat back to my casa.


Then why get married, ever?


Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9

I have never felt like she was pretzeling herself. I know the things she does now to keep herself looking beautiful are different than what she did with her XH.


Am I wrong about the definition of pretzeling oneself? Because I don't define it as doing things to keep the woman looking beautiful. Rather, my definition is that one bends any which way to be pleasing to one's partner to keep them around.

So, is she doing that?

Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9

The kids being an issue could really be a blessing in disguise because it could really let me continue to see if this is the true her or if she is really is putting on a front.


Putting on a front is a tad stronger than I would go - rather, I would say this extra time will afford you an opportunity to see what the potential is for this dynamic between you to continue successfully, long term, or will something change once you put a ring on it ....


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16

"True love travels on a gravel road."
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 4,606
Likes: 8
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 4,606
Likes: 8
(and men can and do pretzel as well)


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16

"True love travels on a gravel road."
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 17,567
Likes: 28
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 17,567
Likes: 28
Again - he sounds like an Aspergerís kid to me. Heíll probably continue to have difficulty making friends until he is in the company of his peers. And yes, itíd probably be ideal if you and the doc just continue to date without trying to combine families.

You might try reading a little about Aspergers kids, might help you figure out how to relate to him.

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Not really a reason other than the Doc told me early on she has no desire to date without the intention of getting married.

If she is doing that then I have not picked up on it yet. It has not been obvious but I also don't know how she has treated any of her other romantic partners. I just think she knows that I am a catch and feels very lucky to have me in her life. I have what she places value on and doesn't want to lose it. While she does treat me very well she is not telling me how much she loves me every 5 seconds and just waiting on my every need.

I think if we had moved quick and the kids were acting like they are now we would both be doing some pretzeling.

I did some Google searches today on it and do see some tendencies however if he has been diagnosed the Doc has not mentioned it to me. We haven't really spoke about it much but I think she realizes now that the kids are not ready.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 17,567
Likes: 28
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 17,567
Likes: 28
He may not be diagnosed - Aspies often aren't, my son wasn't diagnosed until college (there was less awareness then, but also, he's very extroverted which I think threw the evaluators off when he was younger). But understanding that's what it is - if it is - and learning about it can help you deal with him better.

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
I did some reading today and one of things that stood out is practicing extreme patience with his type. His grandma got him an attachment for his hover board and the Doc asked me if I could put it together for him. As soon as I got to her house this morning it was the first thing he wanted me to. I had some work to do for my job so I told him I just need some time and then I would help him. Well he couldn't wait so he ripped the box open and attempted to do it himself. When I got my work done and had a break in the action I found him and he had the parts all over the place. Even after I told him I just needed some time he kept on asking me questions about what to do, how to do it, etc. Needless to say it was frustrating. So I just took a deep breath, realized he was just probably excited, and proceeded to spend about the nest hour or so putting it together for him. He wanted to help and be involved in every step so let him the best I could but his help was making this project take much longer than it needed. I finally just asked him if I could take over and get it done for him. He agreed and went off to do something else. It helped me to take a step back and process the situation but it was still a beating.

I think part of the issue is that I am used to my girls and I am still getting to know him. Anyway we got it put together and he was able to ride it and took his stuffed animals and blanket with him. SMH......I also need to realize that he is just a little boy, socially immature, and understand he is not the athletic type that wants to I guess those typical boy things. That has been hard for me but I need to drop the expectations. That's on me.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,893
Likes: 4
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,893
Likes: 4
Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
I just think she knows that I am a catch and feels very lucky to have me in her life. I have what she places value on and doesn't want to lose it. While she does treat me very well she is not telling me how much she loves me every 5 seconds and just waiting on my every need.
There's a principle that I try to follow is to never believe you are the smartest man in the room - even if you are.

Make sure you keep working on being the prize you want her to win.

Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
He wanted to help and be involved in every step so let him the best I could but his help was making this project take much longer than it needed. I finally just asked him if I could take over and get it done for him. He agreed and went off to do something else. It helped me to take a step back and process the situation but it was still a beating.
My own approach to these sorts of things is to try to give the kid an "important" job and to ask their opinions on things where I'm sure that the answer is either one they know or is obvious.

Working on a project with kids is certainly quite the challenge especially if neither of you have practice doing it.

Depending on how able the kid is to focus (a trait of Aspergers I think - which some believe I have) sorting and organizing all the parts ("Knolling" is what some people call it) can occupy them safely and be quite useful. Teaches them what the different parts are and mean. S's S13 has ADHD and so on Sunday we we planted some perennials. It took him about 10 times as long as it would have me to dig the hole (his part of the job) and he got distracted by the worms that showed up but I let him do it at his own speed with general guidance and it all worked out. He got bored when the job was 75% done so I finished up and thanked him for his help.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,760
Likes: 11
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,760
Likes: 11
^^^^^ him wanting to help you every step of the way was a time to bond. Sure, itís going to take a lot longer to get done, will be a pain in the butt and you might want to pull your hair out, but I think there is no way better to bond than that. Itís a an interesting of his, he was excited to build it with you. Something I bet sheís never done with his dad.

So you suck up the torture it is and do it!

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
I know, I know I am trying. I am around him much more than the Doc is around my girls. I know I have to get used to that since she has him full time. It's easier when they are not around but it is hard for me when I do have them and he is asking me and wanting me to do things. For example, at the water park on Saturday he asked me to go down one of the slides with him which I did but I felt bad that it wasn't with my girls. I am just trying to find the balance just because of how he is he expects to get all the attention.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Page 10 of 11 1 2 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard