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A Message from Michele
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Re: Moving forward [Re: unchien] #2894365
05/07/20 10:38 PM
05/07/20 10:38 PM
Joined: Apr 2019
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IronWill Offline
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Hey U -

Sorry you're having all this going on right now. It can't be easy - and I wanted to let you know that my post was more to inspire you to think outside the box.

That being said, I find it interesting that W seems to be stalling on a few fronts. I'm not great at mind-reading, but if someone wanted to just walk away, I would think this would have been completely finished by now. But that's just speculation on my part...

I wonder if there is a way to separate these issues into more manageable chunks? Is there any way you could figure the house part out without delving into everything else all at once? Especially if it is financially untenable for you?

Re: Moving forward [Re: unchien] #2894368
05/08/20 12:17 AM
05/08/20 12:17 AM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,412
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unchien Offline OP
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unchien  Offline OP
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IW ~ She is stalling because on every front she stands to lose.

I'm over-paying support by several K per month, not seeing the kids as much as I should by any reasonable metric, and she continues to live in a mountain mansion with beautiful views. She hasn't gone back to work although she's rented office space for 18 months. Why would she be in a rush? She is advocating for the lifestyle she wants, and the longer this plays out, the better for her.

All of these issues will be coming to a head soon. Retaining a L was one of the best decisions I ever made. I have options, I have ways out.

Re: Moving forward [Re: unchien] #2894369
05/08/20 12:19 AM
05/08/20 12:19 AM
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Ginger1 Online
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Originally Posted by unchien
IW ~ She is stalling because on every front she stands to lose.

I'm over-paying support by several K per month, not seeing the kids as much as I should by any reasonable metric, and she continues to live in a mountain mansion with beautiful views. She hasn't gone back to work although she's rented office space for 18 months. Why would she be in a rush? She is advocating for the lifestyle she wants, and the longer this plays out, the better for her.

All of these issues will be coming to a head soon. Retaining a L was one of the best decisions I ever made. I have options, I have ways out.


Why are you overlaying several K per month ? Who’s finding the mountain mansion ?

You can put an end to all of this, you know

Re: Moving forward [Re: unchien] #2894370
05/08/20 12:21 AM
05/08/20 12:21 AM
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Ginger1 Online
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Lord. That was supposed to real “overpaying” and “funding”

Re: Moving forward [Re: unchien] #2894371
05/08/20 12:35 AM
05/08/20 12:35 AM
Joined: Dec 2018
Posts: 356
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LB55 Offline
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U our situations are so similar. False abuse allegations, lack of desire to go to trial, ex living a fantastic life that we fund, etc. I totally get where you are at brother.

Took the time to read through all your updates and I resonate with almost all of it.

Be strong and do what’s best for you and for your kids.

My ex is angry...nothing I can do about that. I no longer fear her anger. She will be angry no matter what I do. So I’m doing what’s best for me and the kids. Even if it costs me a lot of money.

Don’t fear your ex. She’s got nothing factual from what I can see. Just a bunch of heresay BS. I was deathly afraid of that as well. I wrote some stupid letter too. Admitted to this and that and everything else. It’s in the past. So is the incident in the car. Don’t let the fear of ‘what if’ dominate your life.

Control what you can control. Your emotions, your actions, and your reactions. I’ve been following your thread since post #1 and I can say for sure your tone has changed. You were surely all over the map when this first started!!! You’re much more grounded and level headed. Fight for what is right and fight for what you want. You’ve got this!


Me40; W38; S12; D9
BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18
No progress in any direction yet.
Fighting for what’s best for the kids. It’s all I can do.
Re: Moving forward [Re: Ginger1] #2894400
05/08/20 04:32 PM
05/08/20 04:32 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,412
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unchien Offline OP
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unchien  Offline OP
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Posts: 1,412
Originally Posted by Ginger1

Why are you overlaying several K per month ? Who’s finding the mountain mansion ?

You can put an end to all of this, you know

Thanks for the chuckle (with overlaying and finding)! A double Freudian slip!

I know I can end it. There's a bunch of legal options at my disposal I won't get into here. We had an informal agreement to sell, now she has a mysterious third party willing to co-sign on a jumbo loan and is proposing to buy me out. (This person is assuredly a rich female friend of hers - if it's an OM, good for me, my support reduces if she has a live-in partner). In any case, I don't think she has the cash to buy me out, and I won't take non-liquid money.

Originally Posted by LB55
U our situations are so similar. False abuse allegations, lack of desire to go to trial, ex living a fantastic life that we fund, etc. I totally get where you are at brother.

LB ~ Yep. I think where we diverge is your W is much more hostile. My W is trying to get her way in a more subtle way. I have regular time with my kids, it just isn't as much as I want. She will be nice to me when getting her way, and as soon as I stand up for myself she gets defensive. The thing is, of course I'd like us to have a nice co-parenting relationship, but I won't cater to her needs just because I'm worried she will react negatively.

I can't recall if I posted this... in our last mediation session, the mediator (a retired judge) heard my W refer to CPS. I clarified that there were never CPS reports, and said I was concerned she was saying CPS. He looked up and said "that CPS stuff --- that is bullsh*t". This is the mediator saying that! My L said people who work in the system can't stand the false claims -- they jam up the system and eat up valuable resources.

In any case, somehow in these situations, while the father is supposed to remain calm and rational, the mother can make abuse claims, entrench themselves with the kids and the house, and everyone looks to us to the father to avoid court. What am I supposed to do?

I did make one DB mistake recently I'd like to share. My W was escalating e-mails, and eventually e-mailed me that she was annoyed I had hired a lawyer, that I was making this super expensive, and said I was the first to get a lawyer, in February 2019. I said, "No, it was February 2020. You were the first to meet a lawyer, and you steered us to MC2 because he was a divorce specialist. We both know this is true, you can deny it all you want."

She reacted as I would expect. "Stop taking shots at me." I know it was pointless to say what I did, but I wanted her to know I know the truth. Her reaction was to get defensive and ignore the content of what I said (because it is true). But... I got sucked into an argument over truth, which was a DB mistake.

Re: Moving forward [Re: unchien] #2894525
05/10/20 05:04 PM
05/10/20 05:04 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,412
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unchien Offline OP
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Feeling the heavy weight of perspective today.

There was a shark attack where I often go surfing yesterday. A young man died. He was a friend of a friend.

Life is precious.

Re: Moving forward [Re: unchien] #2894530
05/10/20 06:38 PM
05/10/20 06:38 PM
Joined: Apr 2019
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HopeCA Offline
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Hi U,

Interestingly, I live near that area as well, and my H is a surfer, so it hit home for me too. It’s crazy when there is already so much more death and loss in the world than usual right now, and this kind of thing comes from the left while we are fixated looking to our right.

It makes my mind spin. But the perspective shift is a good thing.

Re: Moving forward [Re: unchien] #2894617
05/11/20 04:55 PM
05/11/20 04:55 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,412
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unchien Offline OP
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I have alluded to, but not directly posted about, something that will likely cause a major shift in my situation soon.

I've been pressing for resolution on timeshare with our kids through mediation. Currently I do a 4-10 (Friday pm through Tuesday am, every other weekend). My W eventually offered a 3rd weekend per month, but she wants me to only have the girls (not my son, the oldest). Then revisit in the fall, next spring, etc., with the help of counselors, custody evaluators, etc. I am not hung up on 50-50, but I want a roughly equal timeshare including weeknights. I want to be involved with my kids' school lives, their activities, that day-to-day grind of everyday life. Weekend dad is not going to cut it for me.

My stance is we should agree on a permanent plan now, and can always adjust later if circumstances change. I know that I will never get to anything resembling equal timeshare in the future if not agreed upon now. She claims she is open to 50-50 in the future, but I know she will never grant me that. I am not gullible. Whether she knows she is being manipulative, or deluding herself that her mindset may change, it doesn't matter.

A few months ago, after starting mediation, my W sent me several disturbing texts. It was the same narrative, but more heightened than usual. I felt then and there I had to put some things in motion legally to protect myself. Those things are about to come to light. I have been working through mediation, and direct communication with my W, to try to reach a solution through reasonable means, so we could avoid the ugly route. It hasn't worked.

I'm not happy that things are coming to this. It's great to have legal protections. Unfortunately, when it comes to fighting for your kids through the legal system, things can and will get ugly. What a shame. I don't care about the MR, but I do care about the pointlessness of this bickering. I'm going to be paying for lawyers' kids to go to college. My W can't let go of her abuse narrative and it's leading us to MAD.

Re: Moving forward [Re: unchien] #2894638
05/11/20 10:15 PM
05/11/20 10:15 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,581
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CWarrior Offline
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Originally Posted by unchien
Unfortunately, when it comes to fighting for your kids through the legal system, things can and will get ugly. What a shame. I don't care about the MR, but I do care about the pointlessness of this bickering. I'm going to be paying for lawyers' kids to go to college. My W can't let go of her abuse narrative and it's leading us to MAD.

I hope your attorney finds a cost-effective way to present your case, so you're not only facing the options of rolling over and doing whatever your wife says OR mutually assured destruction.


May'19 - Girlfriend of 2yrs left. Aug'19 - We became a "broken" couple (I needed validation, she screamed). Dec'19 - We gave up and went NC. Mar'20 - I've changed and she's eager for MC and us again.
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