Whats New Today?

[CanBird]

Reporting from the mancave? Yes that's right. 00 actually said, go take a break.

00, if you're reading this, thank you. I will workout, with a cocktail afterwards.

[DnJ]

Hello Can

Most MLCers become terrible parents; it’s pretty rare that they are “properly” involved with their kids.

However, it only take one parent to raise a child. One strong stable parent, and that is you.

I think a few things are in play with H. He can’t handle responsibility and pressure, and D3 is that in a bundle of joyful love. He obviously wants to play “daddy” at bedtime and such - those less pressure-filled times; feeling some affection and love. And he is emotionally immature - like a teenager. A teenager that doesn’t know how to raise a child. He probably didn’t have the best role model(s).

And of course, he is confused and running. So yes distancing himself from painful situations. His wanting to exit comes with consequences which he really doesn’t want to face. MLCer’s want that fantasy separation. It doesn’t exist. He is distancing to try to make it easier on himself.

From a guy who’s XW went way off the rails: Be the best parent you can be for your daughter. Don’t worry about getting H involved. Most MLCer run, that includes from the kids - and that is usually for the best.

It only take one strong stable parent.

You got this.

DnJ

[wooba]

Don’t worry about getting H involved. Most MLCer run, that includes from the kids - and that is usually for the best.

Totally second this. Immediately after BD, my H was still doing everything he could do to behave like a normal loving parent. He was showing up, taking the kids to their activities, cooking for them etc....

Slowly but surely that started to crumble. And now we barely see him.

But it has been WAY better this way. The kids no longer have to endure his random anger bouts. There is 99% less tension in the family when H is gone.

[CanBird]

~j~ ***Back story needed..Re D agreement. Perhaps unconventional, but its what we did. We both sought council & then agreed to work things out together. ***:

Just before midnight, 00 shares this regarding the signing of our D papers..."So...there's something I didnt sign or date...they say it needs a notary...they were suppose to take care of everything then. I'm NOT going down there". (me: ...your L ?) "Yeah..It's like It never happened". WHAT?

I know I heard what I heard. He wasnt angry, it was like, ....yeah..so you know that thing we did last week? It Didn't really happen. Weird right? That kind of attitude. For someone that was in such a rush a week ago, what happened? I'm not saying a thing.

So after that 00 brings up D3 bday...its not for months, but we've always celebrated before he goes to work. He's got ideas, plans.this..that..*he'd had 2 glasses of wine too..or more*. This is normal behavior. Just unexpected that he was so chatty & wanting to share. Wine does that sometimes..lol

Earlier....
GAL time, alone, which was nice. D3 got some Dad time. It's been an interesting day. 00 has been buzzing around us, not hiding out so much today. And if in the man cave, the back doors been wide open. I think, just like me, he needs to be around another person right now. Comfort. Scary times.

Much earlier...He had to go out, and picked us up a few things. I'm sticking to roommate treatment. It helps/works. He reaches out more, wants to talk more. I keep it short, polite. I actually talked about my rude shortness the previous night. I didnt say sorry. He said, "who isnt feeling that way..I get it." He finished my laundry for me, even brought it in. Finished up something I was preping in the kitchen... I said a small thanks. Phone calls I had inquiered about, he made. He's listening? What? Are we workjng together on a common goal? This sitch is so backwards. So we work better together now? WHAT?

Guess under these lockdown circumstances, things really are getting interesting. D3 & my well being are my main concern. (Of course I care that 00 is okay too). Now I'm in huge survival mode. I set goals. I make lists. I get things done. And I Do It. D3 & I. Sure 00 & I are working together on common survival goals, and that's normal. And right now our normal is doing our own things.

Tomorrow is another day. And before we know it, another month will begin.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Can

So, you’re not divorced? Papers aren’t all in order?

Sounds like some monkey business is happening on H’s side.

Best to check in with your lawyer and see what’s really going on.

I may be wrong here, so consider your situation since you are the one who knows it best.

MLCers are master manipulators. They are super pleasant when they want something or things are going their way. And when caught red handed or held accountable they can get downright mean.

A week ago H was leaving. Flying to another country - right until the flights were cancelled.

And now he is all smooth and helpful. Pushing just the right buttons, doing laundry, helping, being daddy, seemly working towards a common goal. The problem is, his goals change rather quickly.

MLCers do have starts and stops. They peek out for a bit, then get spooked and run again.

There are two sides to this MLC stuff. This one, the confusion and emotional ping pong behaviour from H. And the business side, the assurance of financial protection and security for you and D3. Each requires detachment and an indifferent approach.

Focus on you and D3, and consider your future security and risks.

DnJ

[job]

Please check in w/your lawyer as soon as you can. Something certainly does not sound right.

As for him being nice and chatty, do not let your guard down. Generally when they are like this they either want something or they have done something that will come back around and bite you on the rump. Like a teenager, when they've done something that the know mom or dad will be angry about, they generally become very nice, chatty and yes, even doing chores...hoping against hope that the parents will not blow a gasket over what they've done. This very typical behavior of someone in MLC. So, keep your eyes and ears open at all times.

Keep the focus on you and little one...and definitely watch your finances, as well as checking in w/your lawyer Monday morning.

[Foxpop]

As for him being nice and chatty, do not let your guard down. Generally when they are like this they either want something or they have done something that will come back around and bite you on the rump. Like a teenager, when they've done something that the know mom or dad will be angry about, they generally become very nice, chatty and yes, even doing chores...hoping against hope that the parents will not blow a gasket over what they've done. This very typical behavior of someone in MLC. So, keep your eyes and ears open at all times.

Keep the focus on you and little one...and definitely watch your finances, as well as checking in w/your lawyer Monday morning.

I would completely agree with this. The amount of times my H has followed this rule of thumb is beyond counting as it’s nearly always been the case. Sometimes He has been really nice and helpful and just when I’ve started to think it could be genuine (normally after a couple of weeks) I’ve been hit with something nasty. Just be very careful and like Job said check in with your Lawyer ASAP. And keep smiling it will get better eventually .

[CanBird]

~j~ Yesterday was easy. A day like any other, while in lockdown. D3 & I did our GAL routine. We actually baked too. Again, 00 isn't hiding as much. On the side lines. D3 enjoy the interaction with all of us. Whenever 00 & D3 are engaged in an activity, I check in & say..."I'm doing xyz.. for a bit".(GAL). He's been fine. No acting weird, just being his normal self. What I'm use to.

I think the other night he was super chatty because he had drank some wine, more than 1-2. There hasn't been any heavy drinking here from either of us during lockdown. Normal 1 a day or none. No further talk regarding unfiled agreement. I checked online with the courts websites, and nothing has been filed. And everything else is in order financially. I'm still covered under his insurance & don't have a job, so waiting is fine by me. It's just Plan (A) in my eyes. Same outcome, differnt route.

A part of me wonders, did he change his mind? Is this why he's buzzing around more? Has this lockdown made him think more? A crazy thought a friend mentioned. And I thought, I don't know...maybe? Zero expections. He's D3 dad always. My old friend visiting, like a roommate. Geez, this lockdown/visit could go on until the end of April. His work typically starts mid May.

Hang on to your hat! Hopefully for a smooth ride.

[CanBird]

Day 9 cont. Another normal day in lockdown. A bit more interacting; way less mancave time. I continue to do what I want/need to do, as if he wasn't here. He steps up & takes D3, without my prompting, and I get a lot of things done. I don't rush. I take MY time. FINALLY! He gets it! We take turns! Duh!

There was a moment this eve that stirred up feelings (for me). D3 was distracted by a movie. 00 was prepping in the kitchen and needed my help. Latex gloves and rubbing warm honey on a bird. I poured the honey. Oh my... (I got a bit flushed..lol..) interesting to see if we'll eat this together, or continue with seperate meals.

Zero expectations. Just keep focusing on what I have control over. Remain calm and have patience with myself, D3 & 00.

Tomorrow is Another Day

[CanBird]

Ps--- late night post. feeling rather foolish.

I'm a fool for thinking maybe he changed his mind. Nothing has changed. Thank gawd I didn't do anything stupid. I just feel silly for having those feelings & thoughts. Nothing has changed. I'm feeling emotional and just might cry a little.

Love hurts.