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DBX80 I don't remember the particulars of your sitch, I would need to go back and reread. But yeah the cupcakes are just that, cupcakes. Nothing more, nothing less. I wouldn't make a special attempt to contact her to thank her. Next time you need to text about the dogs just throw in a "Oh, and thanks for the cupcakes."

If she is still trying to be friends, then it was likely a friend giving another friend cupcakes. And as the other said, probably a temp check thrown in to boot.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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I think of one thing here. Yeah I can see your concern about not "trying" hard enough. But if you really did try for awhile like your previous post said then honestly its best to suddenly stop and stay stopped until the other person makes it very clear they are interested in recon. Drifting and flickering out is not the statement you need to make. That is allowing someone to slowly get over you. Yes the last time you had dinner a great idea would have been to not contact anymore until she asks for your time. Any other contact besides going on a date is the friend zone.

Well done, I know its hard not to want to say thank you for the cupcakes (thats your NGS messing with you) But by not responding you are telling her "Damn, maybe he is over me, maybe he doesnt care, maybe I pushed him too far this time" You want that mystery in her mind. Like a coach says online "women are scientifically attracted more to men who's feelings are unclear.

I can absolutely garuntee she will expect a reaction. Don't give her that pleasure, its 100% a temp check.


T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW moved in with OM 10/15/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Moving on, trying to be happy.
Glad my D was not busted.
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DBX80,

Originally Posted by DBX80
When she came by yesterday to pick up the dogs for the weekend, I was not home (as is usually the case, as I leave before she comes by to avoid having to see her). However, this time when I got home, I saw that she left me a couple of cupcakes, seemingly for no reason and without even mentioning it. Should I text her a "thank you" for the cupcakes? I don't talk to her or text with her unless it's about the dogs. But I also don't want to be a jerk. What's the correct response here? Thanks!

P.S.: I realize these cupcakes could LITERALLY be breadcrumbs. LOL!

This seems like an odd out-of-the-blue update after an 11 month hiatus. More like something I'd expect after a few days/weeks, not nearly a year.

I read through your sitch from the beginning. You were married (or at least together) 13 years and if I'm doing my math right it's been over a year and a half (20 months) since bomb day?

What's the latest with your sitch (besides the dog and cupcakes)? I assume she's not living with you, but last we knew she was in a hotel? Did she rent an apartment, buy a house? Are you still married? Has either of you filed for divorce? Have you dated anyone else? What are you doing to improve yourself? What are you doing for GAL?

To answer your question I wouldn't respond at all about the cupcakes, not even a "thank you".

Also...many are love their pets like a child but I wouldn't continue sharing custody of the dogs. In fact, in my sitch my W bought a dog two months before we met so it was part of my life for almost all of its 9 years of life (until she moved out) but let her take it. Granted, I'm not historically a "pet person" but I cared for, played with, and genuinely loved the dog for almost a decade and still greet and pet the dog when I drop off the kids (more attention than I give W!), but wasn't going to truck back and forth with it every week for years. I let it go...as I did with W.

Last edited by BL42; 03/21/21 02:27 AM.

Me:39 Ex-W:36
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:2
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
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OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
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Originally Posted by DBX80
she left me a couple of cupcakes, seemingly for no reason and without even mentioning it. Should I text her a "thank you" for the cupcakes? But I also don't want to be a jerk. What's the correct response here?

I've left baked good for my ex-wife--e.g. when my girlfriend got more than she could eat for her birthday. I get you don't want to be a jerk. I think etiquette only demands a thank you if you're grateful for her action. So if you were happy to see these baked goods and want to encourage this behavior--say thank you. If you were not happy to see these baked goods and don't want to encourage this behavior--don't say thank you. I highly doubt your choice will have any appreciable effect on your marital situation.


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha

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Originally Posted by Steve_
Well done, I know its hard not to want to say thank you for the cupcakes (thats your NGS messing with you)

Originally Posted by Wikipedia
Nice Guy syndrome are used to describe men.. whose "nice deeds" are in reality only motivated by attempts to passively please women into a relationship

If his urge to say "Thanks" is a lame attempt to manipulate his ex, that's Nice Guy Syndrome. If his urge to say "Thanks" is because he appreciates the cupcake, that is called Kindness and Gratitude.


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha

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I highly doubt your choice will have any appreciable effect on your marital situation.


Bingo.

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Wow! A couple of cupcakes! Is that all it took to get you to come back here? Did you even read that last post I wrote to you, before you decided to drop off the board and not even reply back? I really poured myself into answering your question of how to know if your WW was reaching out to reconcile or if she was keeping you on the back burner. If you had read my last post, then you'd know the cupcake is nothing but a breadcrumb to keep you exactly where you are today. Look at well it worked.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted by sandi2
If you had read my last post, then you'd know the cupcake is nothing but a breadcrumb to keep you exactly where you are today.

Ummmmm.....where am I today?

Last edited by DBX80; 03/21/21 08:50 PM.
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Originally Posted by BL42
You were married (or at least together) 13 years and if I'm doing my math right it's been over a year and a half (20 months) since bomb day?

What's the latest with your sitch (besides the dog and cupcakes)? I assume she's not living with you, but last we knew she was in a hotel? Did she rent an apartment, buy a house? Are you still married? Has either of you filed for divorce? Have you dated anyone else? What are you doing to improve yourself? What are you doing for GAL?

Yes, together for 13 years, and the bomb dropped over a year and a half ago. She moved into a rented apartment last year, and yes, weíre still legally married. Neither of us have yet filed for divorce. I have gone on a few dates here and there, but nothing serious. The best way I can describe it, is that Iím now living my life as if she had passed away. I know thatís a bit morbid, but itís how I can best wrap my head around what happened. The person I fell in love with no longer exists. I think I was going through the various stages of grief for a long time, and now Iíve finally come to a kind of acceptance. Sheís gone, and thereís literally nothing that can be done about it. So Iíve stopped giving it any of my energy anymore.

The cupcake thing was strange to me, but I wasnít thinking ďoh now sheís coming back!Ē Lol. My only question was about whether to say thank you or not, because I didnít want to be a jerk about it. I believe you should be able to DB without being a jerk.

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Originally Posted by DBX80
Originally Posted by BL42
You were married (or at least together) 13 years and if I'm doing my math right it's been over a year and a half (20 months) since bomb day?

What's the latest with your sitch (besides the dog and cupcakes)? I assume she's not living with you, but last we knew she was in a hotel? Did she rent an apartment, buy a house? Are you still married? Has either of you filed for divorce? Have you dated anyone else? What are you doing to improve yourself? What are you doing for GAL?

Yes, together for 13 years, and the bomb dropped over a year and a half ago. She moved into a rented apartment last year, and yes, weíre still legally married. Neither of us have yet filed for divorce. I have gone on a few dates here and there, but nothing serious. The best way I can describe it, is that Iím now living my life as if she had passed away. I know thatís a bit morbid, but itís how I can best wrap my head around what happened. The person I fell in love with no longer exists. I think I was going through the various stages of grief for a long time, and now Iíve finally come to a kind of acceptance. Sheís gone, and thereís literally nothing that can be done about it. So Iíve stopped giving it any of my energy anymore.

The cupcake thing was strange to me, but I wasnít thinking ďoh now sheís coming back!Ē Lol. My only question was about whether to say thank you or not, because I didnít want to be a jerk about it. I believe you should be able to DB without being a jerk.


So she drops the D bomb on you, moves out. Yet you are a jerk for not thanking her for some cupcakes?

The LBS w/NGS mind is a difficult one to understand at times. And that was with me being there at one point!


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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