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A Message from Michele
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Re: Affair Fog-LRT [Re: kto626] #2889296
03/13/20 09:06 PM
03/13/20 09:06 PM
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kto626 Offline OP
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kto626  Offline OP
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Can I ask my W if she is still seeing the OM. The only confirmation I have is she saw him two weeks ago. First, he cane to her work at a restaurant which she says she couldn't control. (BS!) Then later that night she went to dinner with friends and he went...which she never told me but her friends did.

I have to drive by her work and he was not there tonight (or last Friday...the night he usually goes there). It's entirely possible she sees him other times but I know her best friends have gotten angry with her for continuing. So maybe she has stopped. How am I ever to know? That was my only demand to continue therapy with her; stop seeing him and work on yourself. I don't know if she would tell me. She is the most closed down, depressed, I have ever seen her...and she was always building walls to keep people out before the affair

Re: Affair Fog-LRT [Re: kto626] #2889298
03/13/20 09:14 PM
03/13/20 09:14 PM
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 156
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LovingIt Offline
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Originally Posted by kto626


Can I ask my W if she is still seeing the OM. The only confirmation I have is she saw him two weeks ago. First, he cane to her work at a restaurant which she says she couldn't control. (BS!) Then later that night she went to dinner with friends and he went...which she never told me but her friends did.



Do you think she will tell you the truth, and not deny or minimize? It sounds like you already have the answer when her friends told you. What outcome are you hoping for?

Re: Affair Fog-LRT [Re: LovingIt] #2889299
03/13/20 09:17 PM
03/13/20 09:17 PM
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kto626 Offline OP
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I'm hoping to know she is moving in the right direction. Her friends told me about them meeting up 2 weeks ago. Since then I've been pulling back, canceling MC, etc. what if she is starting to end it?

She could very well lie; probably would. I'm not going to ask but it is a possibility. She texted me out of the blue yesterday saying she's 1/2 way done with a letter she is writing me. She communicates best that way, I. The past being more open and honest through writing. I don't know if I'll get the letter, or if I can believe it, but it's nice to see that the OM isn't following his sane routine of going there every Friday.

Re: Affair Fog-LRT [Re: kto626] #2889304
03/13/20 09:49 PM
03/13/20 09:49 PM
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Posts: 1,454
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CWarrior Online
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Originally Posted by kto626
I have told my W I'm setting boundaries because it's time to work on me. Basically, no contact unless it's for my daughter.

Originally Posted by kto626
The typical losing LBS playbook is to announce boundaries they have not thought through--then regret the damage they cause and look weak by failing to enforce them.

Originally Posted by kto626
Can I ask my W if she is still seeing the OM.

You announced a boundary two days ago--no talk EXCEPT about D. A day later you broke it, and two days later you're discussing breaking it again. Was the boundary a poor choice, or are you just struggling to find strength? Unfortunately, asking wouldn't yield much info, because your wife isn't trustworthy. frown

Originally Posted by kto626
How am I ever to know? That was my only demand to continue therapy with her; stop seeing him and work on yourself. I don't know if she would tell me.

You said your other "demand" was that she work on herself--has she? If she isn't clear she wants to work on the marriage, it may not be a good time for MC, even if she's no longer see this AP.

Originally Posted by kto626
I have to drive by her work and he was not there tonight

I suspect this isn't helping your detachment. Can you plan another route or distract yourself when driving by? Would it be possible to shift 10% of your focus from her and towards GAL activities?


May'19 - Girlfriend of 2yrs left. Aug'19 - We became a "broken" couple (I needed validation, she screamed). Dec'19 - We gave up and went NC. Mar'20 - I've changed and she's eager for MC and us again.
Re: Affair Fog-LRT [Re: kto626] #2889305
03/13/20 10:28 PM
03/13/20 10:28 PM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 125
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MrBrside Offline
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Originally Posted by kto626
Can I ask my W if she is still seeing the OM. The only confirmation I have is she saw him two weeks ago. First, he cane to her work at a restaurant which she says she couldn't control. (BS!) Then later that night she went to dinner with friends and he went...which she never told me but her friends did.

I have to drive by her work and he was not there tonight (or last Friday...the night he usually goes there). It's entirely possible she sees him other times but I know her best friends have gotten angry with her for continuing. So maybe she has stopped. How am I ever to know? That was my only demand to continue therapy with her; stop seeing him and work on yourself. I don't know if she would tell me. She is the most closed down, depressed, I have ever seen her...and she was always building walls to keep people out before the affair



Please start here..

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554&page=1

Asking your WW if she still see's other man is not detachment. It's irrelevant actually. You need to grasp that even if she stops seeing OM1, there will probably be OM2, 3, 4 etc. Until your wife works on herself, OM1,2 99, 100 arent the problem. It's sometimes difficult for LBS to grasp that. Even if she comes running back begging forgiveness tomorrow, it will not be long term.

You also state "my only demand" - please read more posts... you CANNOT control her. again, read the link above.. Your wife will rebel against your demands because she can.

DB is hard - Please read some more posts and all the initial links. We can only offer advice.. But all of the people who post to you have been there / seen it. We aren't a bunch of people who read a few books on divorce and did a crash course of DB - then decided to post about it - each and every person here has experienced what you are going through.

We cant control you, the same way you cant control WW. We just offer advice - based on first hand experience..this forum is your best bet of getting advice on helping YOU.. We advise - you need to put the leg work in though.

Last edited by MrBrside; 03/13/20 10:30 PM.

Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
Re: Affair Fog-LRT [Re: kto626] #2889314
03/14/20 03:03 AM
03/14/20 03:03 AM
Joined: Feb 2018
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Steve85 Offline
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Originally Posted by kto626
Can I ask my W if she is still seeing the OM. The only confirmation I have is she saw him two weeks ago. First, he cane to her work at a restaurant which she says she couldn't control. (BS!) Then later that night she went to dinner with friends and he went...which she never told me but her friends did.

I have to drive by her work and he was not there tonight (or last Friday...the night he usually goes there). It's entirely possible she sees him other times but I know her best friends have gotten angry with her for continuing. So maybe she has stopped. How am I ever to know? That was my only demand to continue therapy with her; stop seeing him and work on yourself. I don't know if she would tell me. She is the most closed down, depressed, I have ever seen her...and she was always building walls to keep people out before the affair


"I have to drive by her work". Sorry, no where I know it's there only one way to a place. Find an alternate route. Driving by to check up on her isn't going to help with detachment.


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Affair Fog-LRT [Re: kto626] #2889322
03/14/20 10:07 AM
03/14/20 10:07 AM
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Posts: 148
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kto626 Offline OP
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kto626  Offline OP
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I'm having hard time detaching. I'm really trying but I feel like she reaches out or I get weak. I hate living through this. I feel out of control sometimes. I can't help myself.

Re: Affair Fog-LRT [Re: kto626] #2889329
03/14/20 04:08 PM
03/14/20 04:08 PM
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 148
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kto626 Offline OP
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To update, I was with my W's best friend last night. She herself is finalizing her divorce because her H had multiple affairs. Needless to say, she supports me and for a month refused to talk to my W. It made my W jealous that I was hanging with her and continue to do so. It's just as friends do nothing to be jealous about. However, they have hung out more recently and said that my W broke down apologizing for doing the exact same thing to me that happened to her friend. Her friend said she did seem sincere. She also said that my W told her she doesn't want the OM to come to her work but he does anyways. Her friend said she thinks she is stopping the A and that my wife said she doesn't know what's wrong with her head.

My W hasn't told me any of this. I'm still waiting for that letter. I'm just hoping this is progress. But I'll continue to try to detach and do the 180. Admiringly, I haven't been the best about it but getting better.

Re: Affair Fog-LRT [Re: kto626] #2889353
03/14/20 08:03 PM
03/14/20 08:03 PM
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 156
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LovingIt Offline
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Originally Posted by kto626


She also said that my W told her she doesn't want the OM to come to her work but he does anyways. Her friend said she thinks she is stopping the A and that my wife said she doesn't know what's wrong with her head.




She can get another job if she really meant it. That's what it will take if he keeps showing up.

Re: Affair Fog-LRT [Re: kto626] #2889356
03/14/20 08:23 PM
03/14/20 08:23 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,454
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CWarrior Online
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Originally Posted by kto626
I'm having hard time detaching.

Get busy if you can. Thursday evening I led a hike followed by a yoga class, Friday morning I led a walk, the afternoon went on a hike with my son, the night I watched a movie. This morning I inventoried my supplies (re: coronavirus) and bought a few items I was low on at a time when crowds were low.

Im content with quiet moments now, too, but staying active means less moments are available for your thoughts to spin out of control. Detaching/GAL is hard at first. It gets easier.


May'19 - Girlfriend of 2yrs left. Aug'19 - We became a "broken" couple (I needed validation, she screamed). Dec'19 - We gave up and went NC. Mar'20 - I've changed and she's eager for MC and us again.
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