************************************************************************************************************************************** H37 Me 36 T 7 M 3 D16 H's from previous relationship D17 from my previous relationship EA started in mid Oct 2019 went to PA in early Jan 2020 H planned to leave MR for life with OW OW left H Mid Feb 2020
Hey WF, this is so my H too. I'm coming to learn that a number of things he introduced to me-- bands, an NPR show, apps-- are things he got from AP. It all feels dirty to me right now but also I really enjoy some of these things. (I just want to mentally Lysol it all.) I would take it for what it is and yes, mentally check out. I know this is NOT validating but I kind of perfected (during the worst of him telling me how much in love they were) eye contact, nodding, looking like I'm listening, and actually just repeating WTF inside my head, or focusing on telling myself to check out, calm down, reacting right now won't help anything, trying to slow down my breath consciously until I was calm again.
The funny thing is she didn't introduce him to things which literally just makes me laugh. He went and did all these things with her that I said I wanted to do, or go eat, or go see. So when he tells me this sh*t I just roll my eyes and either say I know because I went there when I was GALing and not telling him a thing about where I was going or what I was doing, or I'd say "that's good to know; I'll keep it in mind." I honestly relish in the fact of them going to these places and doing these things thinking "yeah you had a great time on my planned dates. Hope you enjoyed me all over your entire relationship."
Weirdly the love stuff doesn't really bother me much either. I knew how hard and how fast he fell for her. It was written all over him. I've know him a long time. It's fairly easy for me to truly validate when he talks about this stuff. As bat crap crazy as it sounds I do genuinely feel bad about how bad his heart was broken. Like part of me is laughing hysterically, but for the most part I am sorry he was so swept up and crushed so quickly. What's hard there is he says things that she said or did, and all I can think is "OMG how dumb are you?? 2 days after she broke up with her bf she was already regretting it you moron. CAN YOU NOT READ PEOPLE AT ALL???" All these things are coming to him in pieces since we had that big talk about it. And he likes to share them with him since I was the genius who had to say to him, "are you really sure this was completely out of the blue?" I just nod and say "oh man, sorry about that."
The mentally checking out thing which is not validating, and kinda on the edge of DBing is what I need to be doing when he's swinging wildly from us/our/home to separate households/him/moving out. That's something I could've really used Wednesday. I'm going to have to remember to just breathe through it.
Originally Posted by may22
I think you are handling all of this with an enormous amount of grace and class. You should hold your head up high. You're amazing.
I do really appreciate this, but if H and I had a reality show, I would look a lot less full of grace during this mess. There's be so much ugly crying, and crying myself to sleep. And rage. I can't even begin to explain how opposite of grace we were last night. On the way home from bday dinner for D16 a song called What You Did by Mahalia came on the radio. It's about a cheating lover and how she wishes she could forgive him but she'd never expect any one to forgive her for that behavior so he just needs to go. 2 seconds in H says he loves the song and turns it up. 20 seconds in he realizes how on the nose the lyrics are, and turns it down and starts cracking jokes about how he doesn't really like the song, the vocals are nice but the lyrics are crap, I turn it up and say I love it the lyrics are amazing. We go back and forth like that a while laughing our butts off with the girls int he back ear buds in completely ignoring us as teenagers do. I, we, what ever are a hot mess. And about as classless as people can get at this point.
On the way home from bday dinner for D16 a song called What You Did by Mahalia came on the radio. It's about a cheating lover and how she wishes she could forgive him but she'd never expect any one to forgive her for that behavior so he just needs to go. 2 seconds in H says he loves the song and turns it up. 20 seconds in he realizes how on the nose the lyrics are, and turns it down and starts cracking jokes about how he doesn't really like the song, the vocals are nice but the lyrics are crap, I turn it up and say I love it the lyrics are amazing. We go back and forth like that a while laughing our butts off with the girls int he back ear buds in completely ignoring us as teenagers do. I, we, what ever are a hot mess. And about as classless as people can get at this point.
I have read in a LOT of places that the ability to laugh together and find humor in the situation is a very significant predictor of couples who make it. The one thing my coach has said over and over is that Gottman says a strong friendship is the most important ingredient, water the roots of the friendship, it needs to grow strong again before you can take the fruit (romance). My H has joked about it too (came across of list of personal values I was working on and said he didn't need to look at it, his only value was integrity and we both cracked up). Again, from a zen point of view-- be in the moment, laugh when you can. It is good for your body and your mind, even if you're crying in the shower later on. And just keep those reality TV cameras out of your private spaces where you can scream and cry all you want, then look like a boss-- cool, calm, collected, graceful, positive, DGAF-- when you're around him and the cameras are on. Maybe that is a way to help maintain? Imagine there are cameras recording your life story?
Hang in there!
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I honestly relish in the fact of them going to these places and doing these things thinking "yeah you had a great time on my planned dates. Hope you enjoyed me all over your entire relationship."
That made me laugh I love May's advice here to continue being in the moment, laugh when you can, all of that, but also, you know, you're gonna cry in the shower sometimes! You get to experience all of the emotions because you're human. It's hard for me to separate how H might see me through all this (what I project) versus what's actually going on in my head sometimes (I just cried in the parking lot and now I'm home and happy!). But in your sitch I'm pretty sure that the graceful and funny and strong WF is the most consistent version of WF he's seeing. I mean, that's what the car radio anecdote is all about!
Things have continued to just be weird. Zero mention of moving out since the parent teacher conference. He had some one on one time with D17 while I was out Friday since I went right after work. And then he dropped her by a friend. She wanted me to know she had a good time with him which I thought was sweet. I thought he was asleep when I got home, as soon as I started to doze off he climbed in bed. On Saturday we spent very little time together. He went and hung out with a friend who kinda checked out when the A started. And I had my own GALing going on. But Saturday night with no kids yet again he wanted to cuddle and watch TV sleep in the bed again. Sunday he did a really big practice run. He only has one more really big practice run before he needs to taper down. He asked that I pick up a bunch of recovery stuff for him while I was out and asked if I could get him food to eat like immediate since he was trying to walk off a cramp before heading home and getting in the bath. He must have told me how much he appreciated me like 10 times. I finally said I don't really know what to say to that. You're welcome? Thank you? I said I promised you 4 months ago I'd support you in this like I did last time. Even if we weren't in a great space I meant it. He just kinda looked down and said I know. I just wanted you to know that I do see how much you are supporting me in this.
He's texting a lot, and volunteering a lot of info about where he's going, what he's doing, who he'll be with, when he'll be home. Complimenting the way I look even in front of the kids. This work week he started checking in during the day, and not about dinner or the kids. It's not like it used to be by any means but it's so different from the way it was just a month or 2 ago. Limbo honestly is rough. There is this person in my house who looks like my husband, and every day acts more like my husband, but still I have to treat him like a skittish cat on the days he needs space, or like an annoying roommate on the days I need mine. And I'm constantly thinking about how he could pull the rug out from under me at any moment. Or that he's going to try to just back pedal into this marriage like nothing happened like OW did with her bf. I just would love to be at the point where I can just let my guard down. Where I don't have to constantly watch what I say or do or think or feel. Where I can just be me and don't have to worry if I'm pushing or pursuing or that anything I could've done or said or thought or felt was taken as such. Where I can just exist and the repercussion for that aren't him saying he's looking at apartments or leaving altogether.
IC was weird this week as well. We spoke very briefly about dealing with my anxiety when he vacillates so quickly. And a bit about listening about the break up stuff. But she felt like we're in a pretty neutral space right now and wanted to shift gears to my depression and my mom's passing. It very quickly brought up a lot. And I was crying on and off a lot yesterday. I'm starting to worry that this crisis in my marriage just helped me bury all that mess further instead of moving past it. Which I'm sure that's something that I'll have to address the next time I see her. I'm in a better head space today. But being as raw as I was yesterday was a little surprising and a little worrisome as well.
Hi Wayfarer, wow, it's great you were able to be supportive of your H through his race and he appreciated it--while at the same time grappling with your feelings over the AP, your depression, and your mom's passing--while holding onto that he can't just backpedal into your relationship. You're one of the people here whose emotional resilience impresses me. Anyway, I'm happy for your progress to at least "neutral".
OMG girl.. I'm was cracking up at your song on the radio experience. It is a really good sign that you both can laugh (especially about that topic) together. I think it would have been an awkward immediate changing of the station had it been me in your position. Although, before the full blown affair BD, ww loved to hear me sing this karaoke song about infidelity - which looking back at is really messed up lol. It seems like you both are moving to a better place. H is obviously still having good days and bad days emotionally, but it seems a bit calmer. Do you think maybe you are trying to push things along so you know how it will end? Maybe letting go of some unknown expectations you are carrying would help. You're doing so amazing keeping yourself grounded and graceful (at least in front of H). I'm really happy to see how far he has come since just a few short months ago. Hang in there.
KG
LBW 32 - me WW 31 T 7 M 4 No Kids 4 dogs
Separated 1y Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
There is this person in my house who looks like my husband, and every day acts more like my husband, but still I have to treat him like a skittish cat on the days he needs space, or like an annoying roommate on the days I need mine. And I'm constantly thinking about how he could pull the rug out from under me at any moment. Or that he's going to try to just back pedal into this marriage like nothing happened like OW did with her bf.
WF, things do appear to be calming a bit. I'm glad your H could acknowledge your support. You're doing so well. It's the constantly thinking that you can work on controlling, right? Both of those scenarios are in the unknown future, and they don't need your energy. (Easier said than done, yes, because I struggle with this too, so of course I am typing it out here!) Just person-who-looks-like-H/cat/roommate, hour by hour, day by day. In the present.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
I just would love to be at the point where I can just let my guard down. Where I don't have to constantly watch what I say or do or think or feel. Where I can just be me and don't have to worry if I'm pushing or pursuing or that anything I could've done or said or thought or felt was taken as such. Where I can just exist and the repercussion for that aren't him saying he's looking at apartments or leaving altogether.
This is the dream! And then I feel like the part of me that aspires toward a more zen-like attitude would say, you can just exist, you can get to this place, even if it is only fleeting, only for a few minutes sometimes, you can get there, you have been there, you are there, etc. Am I just talking nonsense right now? Suddenly it feels like it. Hang in there, WF!
All sounds really positive, IMO. It very well may be that you have not processed some of the feelings you have about your mom and other things because of the trauma of the sitch with your H... and I wouldn't say that is worrisome, it is totally normal and to be expected. And maybe a sign that you can unclench just a bit inside and start to let some of those feelings out... I think it is a good thing, esp with a good IC to support you. It won't be easy but then what of this is?
I feel like the time on my own with H traveling is so helpful because I do have that space to just be myself (though I'm mostly just being myself with my H now too, because, well, F it... but TBH I'm sure I'm more capable of handling and being the calm collected version of myself because I have that outlet. Any way you can carve out time for yourself where you aren't necessarily out GALing with friends or whatever but just relaxing on your own and just BEING without worries about how it appears or doesn't appear?
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
IC was weird this week as well. We spoke very briefly about dealing with my anxiety when he vacillates so quickly. And a bit about listening about the break up stuff. But she felt like we're in a pretty neutral space right now and wanted to shift gears to my depression and my mom's passing. It very quickly brought up a lot. And I was crying on and off a lot yesterday. I'm starting to worry that this crisis in my marriage just helped me bury all that mess further instead of moving past it. Which I'm sure that's something that I'll have to address the next time I see her. I'm in a better head space today. But being as raw as I was yesterday was a little surprising and a little worrisome as well.
Put yourself first. Take care of yourself. That is in your control and you will be the one to enjoy the fruits of your labor.
It’s always better for emotions and issues to come out as a surprise than not coming out at all.
I love May's advice here to continue being in the moment, laugh when you can, all of that, but also, you know, you're gonna cry in the shower sometimes! You get to experience all of the emotions because you're human. It's hard for me to separate how H might see me through all this (what I