Lol. Leg day at the gym today. Its sad though. D4 told my sister that Im not around enough and she misses me. I bring the kids on some GAL activities but sometimes its too much with their ages. An excuse, I know. Cant wait for spring so I can get kids out more to parks.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Well, GAL is going to be odd. Coronavirus cases popped up around me and recommendations are to limit non essential trips out the house. D4 and I are sick and have hopefully just a cold. Lots of time all together in this small place.
I'm still conflicted on the course of action I take here for myself. Interact with W or pull away? No matter how much GAL I do, we are in each others presence several times a day. My place is smaller than many apartments. Theres no use in us making separate meals or one person spending and going out everyday. Maybe I'm again avoiding what I need to do? Thing is, we are slowly getting more decent with each other. Sans physical contact missing, we're seeming back to where we were a few months before BD. So by what Michelle says, I dont know if me changing and conversing more helped and to keep it up or if we are just becoming friends.
On one end, I think becoming friends is good. We could build off that or at least be decent coparents. Anyone end up as friends then make it work? I of course prefer an alternative and dont want to be a friend or a plan b for long if thats the case.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Take care of yourself and your D4. You know the drill, wash the hands, drink plenty of fluids and lots of rest. Also, limit trips out of the house until you are absolutely sure it's just a cold.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well, GAL is going to be odd. Coronavirus cases popped up around me and recommendations are to limit non essential trips out the house. D4 and I are sick and have hopefully just a cold. Lots of time all together in this small place.
I'm still conflicted on the course of action I take here for myself. Interact with W or pull away? No matter how much GAL I do, we are in each others presence several times a day. My place is smaller than many apartments. Theres no use in us making separate meals or one person spending and going out everyday. Maybe I'm again avoiding what I need to do? Thing is, we are slowly getting more decent with each other. Sans physical contact missing, we're seeming back to where we were a few months before BD. So by what Michelle says, I dont know if me changing and conversing more helped and to keep it up or if we are just becoming friends.
On one end, I think becoming friends is good. We could build off that or at least be decent coparents. Anyone end up as friends then make it work? I of course prefer an alternative and dont want to be a friend or a plan b for long if thats the case.
Ok I'm working with just under 1200 sq ft. With 4 humans the size of adults. Both my girls are taller than me. We've manged to make it work even during the worst of times. We kinda set up zones. I was in the MBR and he was in the living room the girls would come and go as they pleased. I would only be in the living room if the kids were in there. He would only come in the MBR with permission or if I wasn't in there at all. But we were good at physical boundaries. I have crappy weather where I live so we were stuck in the house together probably more than some of the vets on here would've approved of. I'm also naturally a homebody so my GALing wasn't constantly going out. A lot of it was reclaiming space in my own home since we were all walking on egg shells around H for a while. You can maintain space and physical boundaries in a small space.
I always made dinner for 4. I wasn't like making him a plate. I wasn't packing left overs for lunch. I wouldn't even tell him dinner was ready to be honest. When things were really, really bad he wouldn't even eat my food. Conversely when H and I were barely speaking still but he wasn't hostile any more we were (and are currently) taking turns making dinner and doing laundry together on Sunday nights. Every single rule laid out for you by vets on here you don't have to follow if they don't work for your sitch, BUT and this is a big but, you have to figure out the line between doing something because it's convenient and you won't inconvenience yourself just to have the upper hand and appeasement. It can be a thin line sometimes. Sometimes it's broad. It's all a matter of what's working in your house and for you specifically. Wooba and May22 and I talk about that a bit on I think wooba's thread some where.
As far interacting with W, IMHO if W interacts with you interact with her. But I wouldn't seek out interaction, even if things are getting less tense. Things might be getting less tense because you're ignoring her and she's chasing you just a little bit. Maybe it is the changes you're making. Or maybe it's just time passing and she's starting to soften. Just pay attention to when she wants to be friendly, decide from there.
I got nothing on the friends thing. You've seen my thread. I have no idea if it helps or hurts. I think it helps sometimes; I think it hurts sometimes; but every sitch is so different. You gotta just do what works for you.
I gave it some thought. Right now W is more like an acquaintance and or sister to me than a W or friend.
I thought about what I've enjoyed and disliked about our relationship from a few months before BD until now. There is not much I enjoy. She cooks alot of meals, watches the kids and is ok to engage in conversation if the convo is short. This is not a spouse.
Everyday I dont D, she gets more spousal support.
Now the amount of bad things that crossed my mind. Long story short, it took me awhile to stop coming up with more problems or traits.
So, I see no reason to be friends or married other than finances and for the kids.
So finances, I'll fall under gov assistance until I get out of spousal payments. For the kids, they will indeed lose but they will get a healthier father. Maybe I pay W to watch the kids if we could agree to terms.
Future OM and OW affect on kids, I have no plans to marry again. Maybe just short term fun but my eyes are open now. This would just happen all over again, no matter who I become because it is how the current generation is. OMs I can't control and I imagine a few will come and go. If I can afford it, Id get kids in counseling to help them deal with any issues.
My only last reason to stay is religion. Well since infidelity occurred, its allowable for me to D.
I have little reason to stay and quite a few to leave. Everyday I allow this limbo to continue, I lose respect for myself.
What am I missing? What's the point? Even if we R and Im happy with myself, would she learn to be happy with herself and would I be happy with her? Thats a stretch. I was thinking of giving her another chance to go to counseling but now I think I just want to D and move on with my life. Have my house my way, raise my kids my way, work for me and my kids. No more daily passive aggression, put downs, snarky comments. No more giving up my wants and needs. I think I just hit walkaway mindset. She had her chance.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Now that I'm fully ready to step away, W is suddenly talking to me more, asking to do something as a family, initiating multiple non relationship chats. WTF.
One gripe I had after BD is that W didnt tell me how she was feeling and the D caught me by surprise. Being a WW and me DBing I think the recommendation is to not tell her how I'm feeling, right? So essentially I'm doing the same thing right back to her.
Should I ask for counseling one last time before I tell her I want to D and set up mediation?
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
I think if you were ready to step away, you would just do it and file. Its going to take a lot of subtle effort and time. If you don't have the patience or desire, then maybe you can push into C and D conversations.
I'm looking at least a year, maybe 2 of limbo. I admit I do like to see progress, and have, but detaching is vital. The work we must put in is hard to believe, but at the end I want to know I did.
Id have more patience if I had more incentive to keep her in my life. She treats and treated me badly, withheld affection and intimacy often, makes fun of my interests, didnt spend time doing things together....the list goes on. I ask myself often now...why would I want her back?
Now I found out, she is contacting some friends telling them lies about me. For example, she told them Im in a massive panic over being work at home now. Im happy to be at home and Corona gives me no fear. This is something shes done for awhile...she makes up how I feel instead of asking me, then tells others her assumption and is validated for putting up with so much. She told someone that she is "doing alright but is still unhappy". Well of course!??! Youve done nothing but avoid the situation yet you think it would change or that I would crawl back to you?
Im not sure why I'm still stalling. I know what I have to do. I think I just dont want to be the one to do it.
For the time being...how do I set a boundary when she makes a disrespectful face? She does it often, as an example, I mispronounced a word which apparently disgusted her to the point of her needing to make a face. How would I enforce a boundary when shes got nothing to lose?
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
