[SteveLW]

Last night she brought divorce up again. She is planning to enroll in a program called "Divorcing Differently" about compassionately letting your marriage go. She talked to a coach who said that was the best program for her as my wife said she is 100% certain with absolutely no doubts that she wants a divorce.

Yep, mine said the same thing. 100% she wanted out of the marriage, no hope of Ring. We have now been R'd for 2 1/2 years.

In the conversation I told her that I still had hope, that I would still love her, and that I would work with her on the divorce. I told her that marriage takes two and divorce takes one and if she had made her decision, we could move forward with it.

Stop talking. Words are meaningless. Action not words.

She was furious that I had not given up. She continues to say how she has given me 5 years and how I'm not going to stop her this time. I tried to tell her that I'm not stopping her at all and that I am simply willing to work on our marriage if she wants to.

So.....you are right back to where you started. This is why we say "Listen and validate". Stop reiterating to her that you don't want this. She knows that.

Prior to that conversation I left work early to go home and mow the lawn and then I took my son for a bike ride. I felt like I needed some outdoor time to recharge my batteries - so when she brought it up I was prepared.

I read the chapter in Michelle's book yesterday on the mid life crisis (my wife is 41). I found that to be helpful.

This is all good stuff. More of this, less of your second paragraph.

I know my wife is afraid of staying in the marriage because she thinks it is setting a bad example for the kids (she thinks its a loveless marriage that can't be fixed), she doesn't like the fact it has become sexless and I'm thinking she believes it will always be that way, and she doesn't feel supported.

If she leaves she is worried she won't have enough money, she is worried she'll have regrets, she is worried she is making the wrong decision, and she is afraid that the divorce could ruin the kids and she's worried about not being with them everyday.

It would seem that she is working on overcoming those fears with her coach so that she can move forward. She said to me "I need to do this for me. Its not about the kids or anyone else, this is what I want for me."

Too much focus on her. Her feelings are hers. They should not be informing your actions! You are pretty much reiterating what you already told us before. WHere is your personal growth? I like the GAL above. But where are your 180s. Where is your progress on emotional detachment??

Wild stuff.

Yep. Which is why we tell LBSs not to try to assign reason and logic to their crazy. It will just drive you crazy.

On the same day, her mom left her dad and drove to a second home. He dad is in let stage alzheimers and needs a fulltime care giver. My wife's sister had to drop everything and go get him. Her mom amazingly said the exact same words. "I need to do this for me. I need some time for myself." Its really wild.

My wife is furious with her mother but doesn't seem to see the parallels.

Stop trying to make sense of her crazy!! See my previous comment.

In July my wife chastised my mother in law for leaving her wedding rings off. My mother in law said you do the same thing to my wife and my wife denied it. My wife wasn't wearing her rings for a long time and now she isn't wearing them again.

So your W is like 99.9% of the human race. Can see other's faults but not her own. How does this change what you should be doing?

All said, I'm going to continue to work to recharge. Try to focus on the kids and work. I'm taking up the guitar, which I find to be calming, and I'm continuing to focus on my prayer life. Nailing down rational detachment is really hard for me though. I used to deny and push down all my feelings and through counseling I began to work to feel them. For me that makes detachment more challenging.

I guess its just a work in progress.

I do not think you have a clear understanding of detachment. And I think you'd be well served to go back to Cadet's welcome message and study the subject.

[sandi2]

And Sandi2, I’m not a wimpy guy but I feel as though my values get held against me because I don’t push back. My number one value in my life is family. Family, begins with marriage in my mind. Up there with my number one is my Christian faith, where marriage is sacred. I also believe that my kids are better off in a household with us together, and that their kids will be better off (this presumes we get this on the right track).

Not sure what you mean by "push back". If you mean arguing with her, that doesn't accomplish very much. The problem is that your WW doesn't agree or share the same values. Maybe she did at one time, but now she is rebelling, so she's not going to quietly submit. You can tell her you love her and don't want a divorce 24/7.........but it will not change her mind. So.......then what do you do?

In the conversation I told her that I still had hope, that I would still love her, and that I would work with her on the divorce. I told her that marriage takes two and divorce takes one and if she had made her decision, we could move forward with it.

Scott, as former WW, I plead with you to stop taking this route where you basically roll over and repeat all this stuff to her. Your words fall on deaf ears. If anything, you are convincing her to move forward with divorce. Why? B/c she doesn't care how you feel. She gets angry when you tell her you still have hope. She is only concerned about her own feelings. It's time for you to apply a little tough love. Do you even know where your personal boundaries lie in your relationship? What do you do when she disrespects you? Tell her how much you love her?

She was furious that I had not given up. She continues to say how she has given me 5 years and how I'm not going to stop her this time. I tried to tell her that I'm not stopping her at all and that I am simply willing to work on our marriage if she wants to.

Let's start here. You've told her how you feel. No need to repeat it. It's only going to make her heart harden more. So, whenever she starts her spill on getting a divorce, yada--yada, just let her talk. If she starts screaming, cussing, etc., walk away. She's not going to respect you as a man, if you don't respect yourself. That's how she sees you when you are telling her how you love her and want to work on the M.

I know my wife is afraid of staying in the marriage because she thinks it is setting a bad example for the kids (she thinks its a loveless marriage that can't be fixed), she doesn't like the fact it has become sexless and I'm thinking she believes it will always be that way, and she doesn't feel supported.

Here's the truth........she has lost her sexual attraction for you, and she is terrified of being trapped in a relationship where she has no "in-love" feelings. When a woman loses respect for her H, it kills the attraction. In order for her to get the in-love feelings back, she has to respect the man she sees in you.

It would seem that she is working on overcoming those fears with her coach so that she can move forward.

The same coach who encouraged the program to divorce with compassion?

She said to me "I need to do this for me. Its not about the kids or anyone else, this is what I want for me."

Listen to what she said here, b/c it's the closest thing to the truth you'll get from her. It's all about her!

[job]

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