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A Message from Michele
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Re: Stranger In My House Part 3 [Re: HesAble] #2887685
03/01/20 07:52 PM
03/01/20 07:52 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 220
H
HesAble Offline OP
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HesAble  Offline OP
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H
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 220
Still GALing and working on rekindling old friendships. I am in a much, much better place than I was last month this time. It is amazing how good friends can help you when you are in your darkest moments.

I will see my IC this week. I need to schedule an appointment with a lawyer, although I am now second guessing the first lawyer I selected and may need to research a new one.

Hope everyone has a good week! Hang in there! Things will get better. I am a witness!
.


H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9
BD - 11/2019
Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Re: Stranger In My House Part 3 [Re: HesAble] #2887866
03/02/20 10:17 PM
03/02/20 10:17 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,543
S
sandi2 Offline
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sandi2  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,543
Quote
Detachment is a difficult balance. Don't care too much, but care just enough not to become completely apathetic.


IDK if this will be a good analogy or not, but here goes. When I was a teenager, my cousin and I were like sisters. We lived several states apart, but we wrote letters and couldn't wait till summer vacation came b/c her family would come visit several weeks. Well, somewhere along the way we stopped writing and were busy growing up, getting M and having children. We only saw each other during family reunions every few years or so. The closeness was gone, although we still had a lot of in common. In tragic events, we are still there for each other, but for the most part, we are not involved in each other's personal lives. It use to bother me that she showed no interest in restoring our previous relationship, and she's friendly enough, but it's not the closeness we once shared. I don't know about her activities, and she doesn't know mine. We became detached. I will always have a love for her, b/c we shared the same grandparents and have wonderful shared memories, but our lives took separate paths. It no longer grieves me, b/c people do change. I finally accepted that it is what it is, and I've been able to let it go. I have not thought about it in years, until now.

As I said, it may not be that great of a comparison. Detaching is hard to explain. I know exactly how I feel when I am detached from someone. They no longer affect me emotionally, either way. I'm not angry at them, but I don't try to get cozy, either.

I like the sound of your last post. You sound a lot stronger, so give yourself a gold star. ((hugs))


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Stranger In My House Part 3 [Re: HesAble] #2887901
03/03/20 05:58 AM
03/03/20 05:58 AM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 162
O
oceangrl Offline
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oceangrl  Offline
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O
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 162
i just want to say you seem to be heading in the right direction. It's really hard, and I admire your work and GALing. I hope to get to the same place.


the best apology is changed behavior.
***************
me: 45 h: 48
m: 23 T: 26
DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11
BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016
BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016
BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
Re: Stranger In My House Part 3 [Re: sandi2] #2887929
03/03/20 01:51 PM
03/03/20 01:51 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,140
A
AnotherStander Offline
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AnotherStander  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,140
Originally Posted by sandi2
IDK if this will be a good analogy or not, but here goes.


I think that is a great analogy. Detachment doesn't mean you don't care about the person or don't love them, it just means you're not emotionally invested in them anymore.


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
COVID-19 stay at home orders #2895391
05/20/20 12:48 AM
05/20/20 12:48 AM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 220
H
HesAble Offline OP
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HesAble  Offline OP
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H
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 220
Is there anyone here whose spouse is having an affair and leaving the home in violation of their state stay at home order to spend nights with the affair partner? How are you dealing with this?

My H is doing this repeatedly in spite of me confronting him about it.


H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9
BD - 11/2019
Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Re: COVID-19 stay at home orders [Re: HesAble] #2895394
05/20/20 01:01 AM
05/20/20 01:01 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,976
L
LH19 Offline
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LH19  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,976
H,

What did you think was going to happen when you confronted him about it?


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: COVID-19 stay at home orders [Re: HesAble] #2895405
05/20/20 03:06 AM
05/20/20 03:06 AM
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,530
Missouruh
O
ovrrnbw Offline
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ovrrnbw  Offline
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Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,530
Missouruh
People have been flouting the stay at home orders the whole time. You can't tell people how to live or that they must stay home. Don't use this situation to try and control him


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Re: COVID-19 stay at home orders [Re: HesAble] #2895419
05/20/20 12:10 PM
05/20/20 12:10 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 8,199
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Steve85 Offline
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Steve85  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 8,199
He is a grown man. He makes his own choices. You using the "flouting of stay-at-home orders" tact sounds to me like you trying to control the situation.

Let me ask you, was there a part of you that deep down, when you heard that a stay-at-home order was issued, thought "Good! Now he won't be able to go see OW!" And when he started flouting that it disappointed you because you had a false expectation. Remember, NO EXPECTATIONS!

If he is willing to lie and cheat and violate his sacred vows, why would he abide by a toothless stay-at-home order?!?


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: COVID-19 stay at home orders [Re: Steve85] #2895420
05/20/20 12:40 PM
05/20/20 12:40 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,790
Southern Maryland
job Offline

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job  Offline

Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,790
Southern Maryland
I have merged your two threads together. Please stick to one thread until you have reached 100 postings.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: COVID-19 stay at home orders [Re: HesAble] #2895471
05/20/20 07:27 PM
05/20/20 07:27 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 220
H
HesAble Offline OP
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HesAble  Offline OP
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H
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 220
I get everyone's point about him being a grown man and that I should not use the orders to try to control him. However, I feel that him going out only he and God knows where interacting with people is putting our kids in jeopardy of contracting coronavirus. Maybe I am alone with these concerns.

I know he does not care at all about me and whether I am sick, dead or alive, but I thought he just might care a little more about the kids.


H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9
BD - 11/2019
Married 14 years; Together 20 years
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