FS, thinking of you as you get to see your kiddos today I believe. How nice it will be to see their smiling faces.
And back to "normal" which is not very normal at all right now. I was wondering while reading your past couple of posts if this past week your H isn't putting his head in the sand, but was instead setting your house/separation/mediation notes aside so he could be present with the girls on vacation. Perhaps not, but it crossed my mind as a possibility. Or at least it could be his excuse if not the real reason. More likely.
I hope you got a bit more clearing out done and feel content with the amount you accomplished while you had your space to yourself. It's awful to go through, and then later you'll feel good about the cleaning portion. No one ever truly misses that rogue aux cable. But here's a tip - save any extra HDMI cables. I'm always looking for one :-D
Perhaps you don't wish to share, but have you started searching for ideas on where you might move? Is the plan to buy, or rent?
Sorry I don't have time to catch up on everything; just this last thread. My honest view is that the 'limbo' / impasse, whatever we want to call it had to break at some point. One way or another. I think it was time. Life really is too short to stand still for long. You've got too much to give and live for to spend it in stagnation.
I know that this isn't the outcome that you had hoped for. I suppose that this may still not be the final outcome. But, you have to keep moving forward. Grab the situation by the proverbials and make it yours.
One small word of caution. Accept H's procrastination as just that. Don't read into it. Believe me I am (still) married to the king of procrastination who told my L that he didn't want to get divorced. Did that mean he wanted to save the marriage? Nope. I am guessing he didn't want to face his demons and face the financial consequences. Shame / guilt, who knows, but what I know is that it wasn't in my interests.
Thinking of you FS. What you are feeling is normal and natural and stinks. Push through, you / it will be fine.
quote=may22] I still am wondering in your sitch if it hurts to just be honest with him about what you feel.[/quote]
This is why I sent him the email a month or so ago telling him the door was still open. Among the many messages where we discussed the OW/bunny boiler, I said I believed him, that it was hard because what was being said (by others) hurt me because I still loved him but that I was trying to understand. Again, he ignored anything that wasn't directly defending/denying the rumors going around. He did say that it was because he cared about me (and I guess what I think of him) that he was defending/denying at all - otherwise he'd ignore it. I will take you up on your suggestion that if there is an opening at mediation that I'll try and open up. Maybe it will be different in person.
Originally Posted by may22
I might be willing to bet that part of his justification for continuing down his path is that you seem fine, you're also acting as if things are rosy
I agree with you. But honestly, I don't know how else to act. Preparing the house gives me focus. For the longest time I've been stuck in this uncertain place where I've been unable to plan and unable to invest financially or emotionally. One way or another, I see an end to that uncertainty and am excited about it. Also, I've learned to fake his rainbows and unicorn demeanor. Admittedly it's gotten less fake over the last few weeks - I think the thought of having a future, any future, has made my thinking a little less grey.
Originally Posted by AlisonUK
How are you doing FS
Not going to lie, it's been a tough week. This time has been harder than others. A bit like the first time they went away. I do think its because I see an end to it all. I've missed them terribly.
I've been out a lot, which has helped, but the weekends have been long and it was sometimes hard to get myself motivated. I watched a lot of rubbish TV. It was fine once I'd get started, hauling bag after bag out to the hired skip. I've managed to do a fair bit, and I suspect H was shocked when he saw just how full the skip was.
Originally Posted by Yail
Perhaps you don't wish to share, but have you started searching for ideas on where you might move
I've been doing some research. I probably won't buy straight away. The employment climate is a little too uncertain at the moment (which is why I'm selling up in the first place) to buy. The main advantage of moving is that I will have the proceeds from the sale which will give me some breathing space until the employment market levels out again. Right now I could lose my job at any point and being tied into a huge mortgage just wouldn't be ideal.
And yes, I kept all the HDMI cables. Can never have too many of them. I did pack all theoutdated iphone rechargers and headphones in one of the boxes for him along with an assortment of cables which I've no idea what they go with
Originally Posted by Yorkie
Grab the situation by the proverbials and make it yours.
Ah, Yorkie, can always count on you for a good metaphore !!!!
Yes, you are absolutely right, and I am trying. It isn't easy, but I do see an end in sight and I am trying to make my way towards it.
************ Journalling
He is back. Napping upstairs in the spare room with D10 after a long flight. D13 is also upstairs napping.
When the got back I gave the girls both a hug. D10 gave me hugs back and then asked her dad where my present was, chocolates and a hotel room size bottle of tequila (which H informed me is an expensive brand - not that I'd know, I hate tequila). D13 reluctantly gave me a hug and then went to then fridge to see if there was any food .
I said hello to H. He had a go at me for emailing the childrens school re their not being at school today as he had already emailed them (and didn't think to cc me).
I told him in future could he cc me on any school correspondence (same as I do when I contact the school). He huffed and said that as the girls were with him he thought it was his responsibility to contact the school. Also, I was expecting our dog to be returned yesterday and only found out by accident that his mum was not returning her until today and I asked him to let me know, in future if plans change. He huffed again, moaned for a bit and I said things would be a lot smoother if he simply remembered to copy me in on things and/or message me to confirm changes in plans. I heard him say "shut up" under his breath before he went upstairs to take a nap.
I think he was probably a little shocked at how far I've gotten with the house. The downstairs, apart from the boxes of stuff I've packed, looks like a show home. I've bought a couple of bits and pieces and moved stuff around to finish off empty spaces. He glanced around the living room, said something along the lines of "D10 still plays with some of those toys, have YOU checked with her" and then grumbled as he walked away. I had actually just finished discussing the toys with D10 so smiled and said, yes, we were just talking about that.
It is d@mn hard trying to assert myself and also maintain a friendly demeanor, i.e. offering a safe space. He gets so riled up even over (what I think) are reasonable requests.
Do I detect a little self-pity in all this, FS? Next time he takes the kids away, MAKE time to treat yourself and do something, even something cheap like a long walk somewhere, OK? I had a pretty boring half term with teens who didn't want to do anything, and I've found the self-pity grows under these conditions, even when you try to fight it!
Can I play devil's advocate here? Only because my H is also very critical and often responds badly to reasonable requests too. Your timing was terrible on the emailing school thing, he was knackered and nobody responds well when they're knackered. It must also have been a bit of a shock to see the house (which he probably still sees as his even though he's walked away) cleared of so much stuff (presumably some of it his), especially if he was tired and grumpy and not expecting to walk into your clutter clearing. His behaviour was crap, but you could have handled it more sensitively by validating his feelings more here. I struggle so much with asserting myself and deflecting critical behaviour, but it's much easier to see where other people can improve, lol
Now let me congratulate you (nobody in your family will...) because you sorted ALL of everyone's crap on YOUR week off while they were off having fun. That must have been so frustrating for you, why do we mums get saddled with all the crap? It's hard work and unexpectedly emotional clearing clutter away, so kudos to you for getting it sorted, I hope it makes moving much easier xxx
Now let me congratulate you (nobody in your family will...) because you sorted ALL of everyone's crap on YOUR week off while they were off having fun. That must have been so frustrating for you, why do we mums get saddled with all the crap? It's hard work and unexpectedly emotional clearing clutter away, so kudos to you for getting it sorted, I hope it makes moving much easier xxx
Can I second this? It is hard work - physically and emotionally, and it takes time, and it is thankless, and you're probably going to get criticism rather than appreciation for it, even though it directly benefits everyone who lives in the house and even indirectly benefits your H if it means the house sale goes through more easily and there is less sorting for him to do himself.
It is hard not to feel resentful after doing work like this. I suffer from this myself. Some days I feel all I do is follow my children and H around and pick up and put away things after them, because it is easier than dealing with the whining and complaints when I ask them to show a bit of respect to me and the house. I know it's not the same situation, but I can just empathise with what a tough week it was for you and how hard you worked anyway.
FS, the under-the-breath "shut up" would have made my head explode. I have one hundred percent been there, when H is acting irrationally and can't deal with the fact that he is, he knows it, you know it, and you aren't going to fight back with him and so he has to just let something little like that slip out. Kudos for not saying anything. Just reading it I wanted to grab him and stop him from going up the stairs to NAP in YOUR HOUSE and tell him behavior like that is not acceptable-- I think because even in reading it I was transported back to similar interactions with my H in the past.
Yes, it was probably a big shock to see the house, and he has all these unprocessed feelings around it and the M and what this all means. And yes, he was probably totally exhausted. Yes, yes, yes. Still. Impressed you kept your head.
Also, great job on all that work. We spent all day Sunday doing the same just with the children's stuff and I had so many times when I was about to lose it because the kids were whining about not wanting to give something away they had literally never touched in a year and acting like snotty entitled little brats. I was questioning my parenting, my life choices, why we have so much GD stuff all over. (Luckily, for whatever reason, my H was the mature and composed one through the whole day, kept telling me to sit down and take a break, took the kids out of the house for a couple of hours, was calm and got them to see reason when I was getting all worked up. Not sure how/why that happened but I am grateful.) Anyway, so I 100% feel you on the hard work but also the feeling of accomplishment and peace to get all that junk out of your house.
What's on your plate this week? Time to relax and enjoy having the kids back?
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I'm sorry he spoke to you that way. I always wonder if they speak to strangers as disrespectfully. Especially in front of your kids.
The whole thing stinks. Rest and recharge. Take care of yourself. You can do this.
the best apology is changed behavior. *************** me: 45 h: 48 m: 23 T: 26 DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
Do I detect a little self-pity in all this, FS? ... MAKE time to treat yourself
I am GAL'g a lot. I'm not sure if that counts as treating myself but keeps me distracted. But there is definitely a sadness at the moment. And when I have time to think, or am on auto pilot (driving, walking) and my brain has room to wander, I get pulled into the tunnels. Not crazy tunnels like before and more focused on what I should do as opposed to how I feel, and because there are no clear answers, I go round and round in circles.
Yes, the timing was poor. In my defence, he brought up the dual sending of emails to the schools and when I calmly asked him to cc me in future he was the one triggered, not me. The dog thing probably could have waited though. But it wasn't the dual emailing and it wasn't not telling me about the change in plans for the dog. I was annoyed at the lack of communication/consideration he gives to me.
I will take yours (and Alisons and Mays) 'great job' on the house. You are right, no-one else has said thank you - they've noticed, but I guess it is tied into a lot of emotion for them (even the children).
Originally Posted by Yorkie
Why the flip is he upstairs taking a nap?
Because I am more considerate of him than he is of me.
Journalling
The kids have been back two days and are now back with their dad for two days. D13 had a melt down yesterday morning and after improvements in our relationship it feels like we are back at square one. This time it was over a sandwich she'd left on the side from the night before which I threw out in the morning. Apparently she intended to take it to school for lunch. When I tried to explain to her what happened, and also that she should put things like that in the fridge and not randomly on the side. She pretty much told me to stop talking and that everything was my fault and then went into go slow mode making everyone late. I had quite an important meeting in the morning (which I missed) so I lost my temper. I messaged H during the day to tell him and also to back me up on trying to get her to be more responsible and, although he was fairly understanding, it came down to "I don't have these problems when I'm with her". So that s*cked.
H had his first mediation two days ago and he has not mentioned anything to me. The next sessions are joint sessions which we will need to book together. I am not sure if I should leave the ball in his court (i.e wait for him to bring it up) or to ask him how he wants to proceed. I know the right Db action would be to let him do the heavy lifting and just make myself available, prepare in the background, but being my H, it may never move beyond the first mediation session. I really don't know. Do I sit on my hands and then go through this again in six months??
