Oct 17 - Mar 18 : BD followed by 6 months of (him) I am moving out, I am not moving out, I love you but it's hopeless, anger, hate, and spite. Moments of tenderness. Slow detachment from family life. (Me) Begging, pleading, walking on eggshells in case he blows, trying to GAL but finding that that blows back on me (resentment).
Mar 18 - Dec 18 : becomes an excellent father. Takes the kids frequently, present, attentive. He starts to detach from me fully - though he is consciously trying to be kinder. Still very much a presence in the house. Occasionally we sleep together (initiated by me). Sept 18, I run into him on a night out with the girls. He is on a date. I go mental at him. Two days later we have an R talk (first since he moved out). He says it is only casual (3-4 dates, no sex). He does not say how he knows her. I beg him to come home. He hugs me and I try and initiate sex. He says no, it confuses him. We never talk about her again. Two days later a discussion about the children escalates (I am passive aggressive and hurt) and he mentions separation agreement, then he asks me if I want to join him and the children for lunch. I say no. We don' mention separation / divorce until Dec '20 (now). Christ '19. I tell him I still love him. He walks away. I start seeing someone at work in Dec. Casual. Nothing but a flirtation but it takes my mind of H.
Jan 19 - Dec 19: limbo. We do not talk about us EVER. We co-parent well and both concentrate on the kids. Occasional passive aggressiveness from him whenever I say no to a request or mention something that I am doing (outside the 'family'). His family slowly detach - embarrassment for me, loyalty for him. I stop seeing the boy in Jan 19 and then start OLD in June. I hate it and stop 3 weeks later. I discover he is OLD in July. Hurt, but no resentment on my part. Surprised but not surprised. I push it to back of mind and carry on. We are friendlier but not friends.
Present : we need to make some hard decisions about the family home (financial reasons). He wants me to keep it but financially it is an arbitross for me. D13 is suffering from anxiety and depression and he (we) think selling the house would break her. He guilts me for this. A week ago I found out he was 'chatting' on messenger to the lady who works in D10's school (back in late 2018). She turned bunny boiler on him so he stopped. Think it was friendly as opposed to flirty. He shouldn't have done it and I am embarrassed (as is he).Strangely, until about 2 days ago, we were sending messages to each other ALL day. About the house, about D13, about the separation, about the woman he was chatting too etc. He offered to help me with a couple of things around the house/my car. I came home the other day and he had cleaned the entire downstairs.
Then, 2 days ago I started to put a stop to it. Various conversations have escalated (home, D13) and I have made it clear that I do not like him treating the house like home. I have also made a few passive aggressive comments about what he has been doing the last two years. Hurt people hurt people. The last few days he has not come inside the house. He has waited in the car (when dropping the kids off) or waited at the door. When he has done this I have made a show of rushing the kids out ("quick kids, daddies waiting for you"). No 'do you want a cup of tea' etc. He has not been around to walk the dog. I have made it uncomfortable for him to be here.
I can feel myself slipping - I suspect he is seeing someone but not serious. I start looking at his Instagram (via the children) to work out who she is and randomly google people on his followers/following list. I feel stuck and am constantly thinking about what he is doing/thinking etc. I feels a bit like a tsunami - all the discussion about the house, D13, uncertainty about work, finding out he was talking to that woman and finally realising that he is dating someone. It is unhealthy and I have started seeing an IC (for me) and have engaged a solicitor. I am considering filing.
That my friend brings us to today. During this long and comfortable/uncomfortable limbo, there has been some amazing holidays, wonderful moments with the kids and moments of kindness and even friendship from H. He still keeps his secrets, but they are coming out now, slowly. I still don't think there was anyone at the start, and tbh, I don't think there has been anyone he has seriously considered since. Just a man who blew everything up and then was to ashamed to admit it - so he walked the path he'd made himself. When I am being rational, I will be able to accept that. Right now, hurt and feeling alone and a fool, it keeps me up at night.
Gosh. Flysolo, I don’t know how you are holding yourself together all this time. It was painful enough to read through your summary. I wish I could offer any words of wisdom here, but all I can say is that I feel for you. And you are strong for holding out as long as you have. You are not a fool. We all make seemingly foolish decisions, it’s all about perspective. Hugs...
I'm glad you're seeing an IC to help with that "slipping" feeling. I leaned on mine as well when that was the overwhelming emotion in my life.
I know the feeling that you feel if you could just keep reliving it all in your brain you will notice the ONE THING that will pull it all together and allow it to make logical sense to you. That if you just keep at it - keep living it - you'll figure it out and survive it all.
For me, only when I started to put it all away and not relive it - that's when it started to make sense. And not in a lightbulb in the brain kind of way, but in a peaceful "I'm going to let this all go slowly and in my own time" kind of way. You need your subconscious to do the work for you - not your active brain.
Which doesn't help you now, because now you're neck deep in feeling it. I'm so sorry. It's the worst feeling.
I will echo Wooba though - you're not a fool. Not at all. You are the farthest thing in the world from a fool. A fool is someone who was duped. You are in a situation that simply changed because....life. You were a partnered couple, and then things changed - you were not tricked, you did not miss the signs. You lived your life fully with all the information available to you at the time. It's just that we all have free will and your H needed to change his life. He's not running away from you - he's running towards something he can't identify, so that looks a lot like running away. The result is the same maybe.
Want to reiterate along with Wooba and Yail-- you are not a fool. Far from it. You lived your life with the expectations we all have and trusted your H to be there through thick and thin because you're supposed to be able to trust that person to be there for you and not to change their mind or whatever. To me, there is no purpose in seconding guess decisions you made in the past, or wishing you had noticed something sooner or done something differently-- you did the best you could with the tools you had at the time. Might you do things differently now or in the future? Of course-- and that is the best part of all of this, we are constantly learning and given opportunities to do better, learn from the hardest things and apply that to our future relationships.
A couple of questions or suggestions for you... can you resist the instagram searches? does it serve you? I mean, if it does-- if knowing he's dating someone else, and knowing who she is etc is helpful for you, then by all means. If not, if it is just a way for you to go in circles, then maybe try to resist. Another thought.. I have read about some of the fabulous vacations you've been on since all this (honestly, an inspiration for me) and am wondering if you can start planning another, even something quick and inexpensive, just to get a change of scenery and get your mind off of the current situation? Sometimes even the planning can be beneficial.
Hang in there. You are strong.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Thanks everyone. Everything you say is true. I can get through this I just need to keep going. Fake it until I get out of the tunnels so to speak.
I saw the IC yesterday which helped. It seemed like a conversation between friends discussing neurological effect on the brain of different events. Words like dopamine, serotonin, amagdala blah blah blah. It was easy to forget we weren't just discussing theories and the topic was actually me. I did break down once - when she asked me if there was anyone who was there for me (and I think she knew the answer was no). I told her I missed that feeling of someone holding me and of feeling safe. We looked at the situations the tunnels hit and, unsurprisingly it is when my brain is free to wander. When I am alone or when I am on auto-pilot (walking, driving, sitting in meetings) so we are going to work on ways to bring myself out when my brain wanders and also at other 'wellness' approaches. Nothing really new and I know all that stuff already, but it was good to have the conversation.
I also went to a reiki healer last night - yes, I am throwing everything at this. I've seen him twice before, but the last time was about 9 months ago. It turns out he is a CBT therapist as well and he thinks the approaches compliment one another. For those unaffiliated, reiki is a practice of balancing chakras and releasing blockages. Might be complete hogwash, but I always feel lighter when I come out. You don't talk before the treatment and then you spend 15 minutes at the end talking about the blockages they felt. Anyway, he said that my brain is going a hundred miles an hour (no surprises) but the feeling he is getting is not sadness (self blame), it is anger. Controlled anger. I guess he is right. I am angry at the moment. He mentioned problems with my eldest child, trying to convince a man to agree to something, and anger, lots of anger.
*** As an aside, after the treatment, he normally asks me what I saw. I mentioned two images that didn't fit. One of them was of a group of teenage boys, maybe 18, in a carpark waiting for a lift. They all had white blond hair and are wearing the same bright yellow polo shirt. One of them looked right at me.
Straight after the session I checked my phone and I had three messages from someone I met when I was on the OLD. I haven't spoken or heard from him in 6 months. He has white blond hair, is young (25) and his profile photo has him standing in front of a bright yellow wall. We dated twice but, apart from the attraction, it was never going to work, and we both new it. We wished each other well and I didn't hear from him again.
Anyway, we exchanged a few polite msgs, then he asked if I was still single and I said yes, but I am not looking for anyone or anything right now. He said he understood and wished me well again.
The little ego boost was just what I needed whilst I am in this funk. Maybe there is something to this psychic thing and the universe does give you what you need when you need it .
****
I also msged H when I was on my way home to see how the girls were. His responses were short and abrupt and he indirectly (though purposely) let know he did not take them back to the house after school as he normally does on a Monday. "We are just leaving the flat. We will stop by the house to get netball gear on way to training". "Girls fine. Back at the flat". He also did not bring our dog back yesterday until the evening. He normally brings her back during the day and takes her for a walk.
I spoke to him briefly when I got home. I noticed my tone was chirpy, "Oh, do you mind giving D13 money for the bus tomorrow" - there is nothing in it. It just does no-one any good if I push him into a corner and he comes out fighting because I am angry at him.
**** May - Yes, I can resist the instigram searches. It doesn't help and just feeds the tunnels. I have come to the realisation that I have been filling in the blanks and coming to the worse possible conclusion. I have no idea whether he is seeing someone or not. I think finding out about chatting to the woman in late Dec 18 threw me and has made me suspicious of him. He was supposed to be working on himself. Not sending texts to (a frankly unattractive and desperate) woman at my daughters school. A part of me knows that was the height of his depression and he was getting a little serotonin (see I remembered something from my session) high whenever she msged him. Much like the serotonin high I got when I got the messages from the boy yesterday. So I will stop.
I have no holidays planned at the moment, but H is taking the kids away half term. I might try and do a short break then if I can get away from work. I've been looking up four day yoga retreats in the UK, but can't find anything that fits with the dates. I will keep looking.
Hi FS, I'm so glad you're in IC, very wise. As for the reiki, whatever works for you! Of course you are struggling with anger, it's such a natural response. You're right though about jumping to the worst conclusions. But when you have no information then your mind will fill in the gaps with the worst possible interpretation.
You don't sound like you like your H or trust him much right now. I am feeling the same way. Has your job sitch resolved yet? I am going through a transition, and not having a spouse to lean on and confide in is the hardest thing of all, especially as they have caused this extra huge upheaval in our lives.
A yoga retreat sounds like a very fine idea indeed. If you can't find something for those dates, maybe a walking/active holiday might be a good alternative? Escaping from the life crap and getting a new perspective is pretty essential right now, mired in the long slow torture of limbo xxx
I feel your pain. I have a front row seat to how often H is out (it's 97% of the time). Super painful. I'm in a trauma support group (I like the friends) and it helps. I feel duped for being treated like I'm too stupid to know there is OW. I feel discarded, abandoned, like he doesn't have a care in the world. He's happy and I am not. [censored].
Hi - sorry I'm not responding as much. Things have been utterly crazy in my life the last week. I can't even start to describe what it's been like.
Dilly - I don't like my H very much at the moment. He has lied and lied and covered things up and blamed all whilst maintaining the veil of 'good father doing what's right for the children'.
There was truth in the story with the woman from years ago. It doesn't matter to be honest. The truth lies somewhere between what he has admitted too (his version didn't add up and my over analytical brain picked up the gaps and called him on it, so he would amend his story) and her version, well her version is totally bonkers. The only thing that they do agree on is that she became obsessed and he had to block her on every front. The thing that gets me is this was over a year and a half ago and, if she did become a stalker, he kept that hidden from EVERYONE. I mean, his version includes drunk dialling the obsessed desperate woman at our daughters school, so even though he swears "I didn't do anything wrong" there has to be some guilt/shame in there. My H likes to project control and 'perfect home, perfect career, perfect father' so to keep a secret like drunk dialling a crazy woman then having said crazy woman message him constantly and turn up at his flat and still go to that school everyday and pretend nothings wrong. To receive crazy obsessive messages from her and then have lunch with me and the girls. D@mn, either he is a very good actor or a complete sociopath.
But what gets me. What makes me really mad is that he engaged at all, even if his "I got drunk sometimes and responded to her" version is the truth. When it came out, why pretend it was nothing and then now that people are making a big deal of it (me apparently), say "well, I was single, she was single so even if something happened, and it didn't, why should anyone care". I care because he hid it. Why keep lying to me - and the answer is, because he didn't want anyone to know, and more importantly he didn't want me to know. I remember what it was like back then. He was so suspicious of me (where are you off to tonight, you're never home anymore, you don't spend any time with the children, you're always doing yoga) and there he was messaging and drunk dialling the school secretary. Such a two faced hypocrite.
In the craziness of the last two weeks, I forgot to actually post the question that led to the thread title change ...
When does standing become standing still???
I wonder sometimes if I still wait for him because I don't know how else to be and waiting is actually an unhealthy state which is stopping me from living a full life. A form of procrastination.
When does it become unhealthy ??? I have GAL'd, I am (apart from the last two weeks) detached, I have 180'd (on most things) and I am a better person for it all, but I am still stuck. I now have friends I can call on, and I am comfortable being alone. But still I am stuck and closed off to the possibility of a relationship with anyone but him.
This week I was contacted by someone I dated once or twice last year and he expressed interest in starting again - I told him firmly but politely that I was not interested. This week alone, I've been asked out for drinks by two platonic male friends, who I know would like to take it further, and last week another male friend (who expressed interest earlier this year) was at a drinks thing I was at and I was told last night he had asked beforehand if I was going to be there and then only agreed once he found out I was going. So, opportunities are there. Why am I not interested ...
I am not sure what the answer is ... other than I can only go with how I feel and how I feel is not interested.
Journalling
I am less angry now. H and I had a talk about the bunny boiler and he showed me the messages he sent her last night. They basically say stop telling lies or we will be forced to raise a complaint with the school. I still think he's not telling me everything, but at this point, I am willing to just let it be. It is interesting though that even though his version of the story shows him drunken flirting with her on text (and by drunken flirting I assume it was sexting) he still maintains that he did nothing wrong. He didn't - he was single. But as he is in his 40's and she's a crazy, gossipy teachers assistant, then he has to see that this represented poor judgement on his part.
Things I am noting about what's happened:
1. I am not in constant floods of tears like I was in the early months of my sitch. It has taken up a lot of my mental real estate and will likely continue to do so, but I feel in control of my actions. The motivation is emotional, but the execution is rational.
2. I had always thought when he hit rock bottom he would question his choices. But has far as I could see, he hadn't hit rock bottom - he was always projecting a 'I am SO much happier now' demeanour. Knowing that he was drunken texting and then being stalked by a crazy person in the background would have been rock bottom for him. Maybe he presents a 'life is perfect' face (to me) and actually, underneath it all, his life actually s**ks. Did it make him question his choices? I think it probably did. But he is too proud and too stubborn to admit it. And that's just plain sad.
3. This has motivated me to be more proactive about things and not so scared to rock the 'limbo' boat. All through this I've been passive. Just living my life and letting him live his. Intuitively and through the teachings here, staying away from R talks - this was easy, he avoided them too - so as not to put any pressure and/or push him into a corner. But it's been two years. Those talks (indirectly) have to be had. We need to discuss separating formally and deciding what we will do in regards to the house and the children. I am not saying I am not scared about having those conversations, but we cannot go on as we are.
Having said all that, I threw my cards on the table when I sent the email about the house options. I figured what was left to lose. On the current trajectory we will be divorced in six months and we will have sold the house. So I put it out there. I said I wanted any decision to be based on all the facts and not on assumptions and half truths. I told him I still loved him and would turn the page on this chapter if he was open to trying again. Not move back in and pretend it didn't happen - but hold off on selling the house whilst we tried to make it work. That was the opening paragraph to the email - the rest was practicalities about the house and childcare. He responded on the house stuff but not the I love you. Acted like that paragraph wasn't even there. His response on the house was clear - he does not want to sell it and he does not want to continue to give me any money for the bills.
But he has been very very communicative on other fronts. I spend more time messaging him throughout the day than I do working (it's annoying my boss) - children, house, crazy stalker lady, some banter etc. Today we spent time alone discussing crazy stalker lady - he showed me texts from her the other night where he told her to stop or he would complain to the school, and her responses as well. Six months ago he would not have entertained even having the conversation. I can't remember the last time we went into another room, shut the door and talked. I would be interested in hearing views on this. Is the increased willingness to communicate him getting comfortable that limbo is coming to a close or is it him getting uncomfortable that limbo is coming to a close.
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