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I found this very touching and heart breaking, Irish. She still can't see the truth but she sees glimmers. As a woman, I can definitely feel how much she is longing for you in those lines you included. Sorry if that's is not how we are supposed to think as LBS's, but as a woman reading that, I must say it was palpable to me that she is longing for you in a visceral way -- I don't mean sexually (I mean, I don't know about that in her case of course), but I mean in a soul-way, and that some part of her knows your Goodness and wants to connect with that, even if most of her is still nutty and mean or all the other things she is. My H also often said he didn't fit in but saw it as me controlling everything. It was so ridiculous because all we wanted was him to be our man/dad. I am seven years in and mine still hates me, can't imagine him ever saying those things yours is saying. I think it's strong of you not to tell your girls, I would be tempted but I think you're right not to.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Hi Irish,

I feel bad for your W. She's in a sad place. But from that place she does seem to be progressing on her path and may just be on a path to recovery. Obviously she isn't there yet and it surely isn't your concern at this stage. She has shown glimpses in the past but I think she is in a better place.

Maybe her anger will reappear. She'll get through that too.

To me her first part is like a teenager trying to figure out if someone likes them too, without having to ask directly. I read "you probably don't care" as being "do you care?"

She regrets not being closer to you and the girls. She regrets ye not having done enough to save your M. She probably doesn't fully see her part in the breakdown but she does appear to see some of it. The rest is clouded by her perception of things based on where she was at at the time. Your side too is probably clouded by assumptions and preconceptions you had at the time. That's ok, normal and at this stage not overly important.

There's no point in crying over spilt milk or bolting the barn door after the horse has fled. The past is done and cannot be undone. It can be understood better. It cannot be changed but our perception of it can.but after this many years that truly isn't worth focusing on. Your W is still focusing on it because it's all she sees. She is lost and can't see the next real step.

But she does appear to be looking. Looking inwards. She seems to have a good insight on herself and what she's been through. She cannot see too far beyond herself yet but that breakthrough could be coming. She needs to drop the "woe is me" mentality and she just might get there. You can show her signposts if inclined but this path is her responsibility. You know that.

But maybe you could stop defending your part of the breakdown. You've been clear, honest and consistent in letting her know your truth about what the end of your M was like. She's heard it all before and knows it. Please resist continuing to do so. Now don't accept her half truths or lies just let it go. Each time she makes contact the ball gets thrown back into her court. The ball belongs there but she probably sees your defense as an attack and focuses on that instead of herself and what she should do. By not responding defensively the ball still finds it's way back to her court.

Again my words are just a friendly outsiders viewpoint and as always not a critic.

Best wishes Irish


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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sad

but your message back to her was very warm and heartfelt and kind
I hear your forgiveness and acceptance

hopefully that may help her find her way


married 14 years
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bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
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you can do one other thing mon ami - you can pray for her, and i'm sure you do. xo happy thanksgiving.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16

Once we face the things that we fear they no longer have power over us.
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Hi everyone

Gerda, it is heart breaking. From day one that she stopped seeing the girls my heart broke. I know i can't make everyone happy but to fill the hole she made. Impossible. Time does heal but in MLC the pain just fades.

I have had more texts from her these past few days. The most vivid she has been in a long while. As for not telling the kids, i held back until they approached me and asked whatís going on with mom.

They revoiced similar messages from her. Detailing more of the past events and her justification of it. They too are direct with her and defend their integrity and their side of the story. XW tries but gets shut down fast.

Roist, I agree, she is in a bad place. I truly fear for her not being able to deal with the damage she has caused.

I also agree the past can not be undone. Thatís where i hope the tools I have given these past 5 years help connect them in a healthy way and one of forgiveness.

Hi peace and bttrfly . thanks for your prayers. I think we all need it from time to time. The positive energy we share here is so good and heart felt.

So, XW has continued to message me. I was going to tell her to stop trashing our relationship. Her opinion isn't my own.

instead I didn't have to. She never went back to that in her next texts. It's like her too is tired and drained of trying to convince me.

Early morning ext. 3am. I see it when i get up to get ready for work

Irish, I keep waking up thinking of the girls. Thinking of what I had. That I ruined so much.
I don't think I was myself. Depressive, feeling lost, not loved, not wanted.. I told you I needed to find myself and I left. I thought I could have done it with the girls in my life but they chose to not be with me. My Bf at the time had nothing to do with it. They shouldn't of denied me as their mother because I had a BF, and if they would have talked to me maybe my relationship with him would have been over sooner. I would have realized they needed me. I couldn't be alone, i needed to feel something. I know now thatís not the way it's supposed to be but at that time it's how I felt. I was scared and alone. Today i feel I am a different person. I know I can be alone and Iím good with that.
I have a lot of pictures and I look at them all the time. I wish I can create new memories with them.


Now I could have pointed out that she went manic, abandoned them and her Bf was a drug dealer but I held back, There is no point to that now.

I do remember you saying you needed to find yourself. Remember I offered to hep set up your apartment. I understood you needed time. This isn't the first time we went through this. 15 years ago you did the same.

I truly believe one day you will connect. I am in your corner. Even with all the bad i kept you in the loop with their health and updates. Yes, the last 2 years I stopped, only because I never got the " How are the girls message from you. not once.


Life certainly doesn't taste the same... I donít know if it's the same for you but me \I donít enjoy it as much as before... and |I try hard but I'm kind of disconnected. All the small things now it's like ok whatever get over it... I'd say everything is boring... my therapist told me that I put my feelings on hold. She said it's not good but I don't care.

I don't know if you understand me... old pictures... past presents... years I missed. heavy heart and regrets.

Hope you have a good day; you are lucky to have them in your life. Cherise those moments.

I do understand and I am happy you are talking to someone. Have a good day too

thanks Irish, you were always a good listener. I just need to learn to talk.


Clearly her mind is spinning with the old memories. Is this a temporary thing like Iíve seen in the past with her? Or is this the start of a wake up.
Time will tell. Iím in no rush.

The girls had received messages, at first, she was attacking them. How could they and so on. But she changed her toon when she got direct replies putting her in her place. Her last message to them was heart felt and warm. It was actually asking about them and her missing them. Misses the closeness she had with them pre-MLC.

They seemed a little more curious but didnít ask about her life or how she was. They, XW and the girls have a long road in front of them. Iíll support both teams the best I can. Iím here to listen and nudge where I can as long as itís a healthy reunion. Iíll be happy.


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
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maybe she will find her way. I hope so, for her sake, and the girls' as well. xo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16

Once we face the things that we fear they no longer have power over us.
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HI Bttrfly, I hope so for the girls sake.

my youngest D18 , crazy she is 18. she was 12 going on 13 when all this happened. She brought up XW last night on our drive home from her job.

She said: dad, I had a facebook notification for suggested friend. Not a request but just facebook suggesting a friend based on my current friends. It was moms name and her picture. Not the same one the uses now.

I said no clue, maybe she is cleaning up her old one. She has changed it 2 times already when she does a new start.

She then said, you know it's weird. I never blocked her on facebook . I know my sister did. But i never did. She unfriended but didn't block me. She can still see my public posts and I can see hers. Now she has a new facebook page.
She's up to something.

I told D18 not to read too much into it.

D18 then said something that I know stirred up some hurt. Mom could have messaged me at anytime via facebook. Why hasn't she if she says she misses us as much as she says she does.

I replied that their mom is in a bad place still. Positive note, she seems to expres herself more with less blame. If she is honest she might make that move to contact you more. You can always reach out to her if you want. That door works both ways

She replied like any teenager would ... no she has to make a real effort. I don't want to go up and down with her of be disappointed.


so i turned up the music and did a little car singing to change the mood.

I'm happy that D18 is open. not much anger just wants a true effort. Can't blame her .

have a great week. and get those xmas decorations up . we all need some cheer.
Stay safe

Irish


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
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You know, FB suggests people as friends if they are peeping at your FB page. Perhaps ExW was using her old FB page to look at D's FB page for some reason?

It's good that she's speaking to you. It's possible your ex is too messed up to have realized that D18 hadn't blocked her. Or simply, more likely, still too scared to actually contact them and have to deal directly with the consequences on her behavior.

Either way, you're a good dad.

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Interesting how she spins. Out of one side of her mouth she said no one ever listened to her and out the other she says you were always a good listener. She even says she never really tried to talk about it all. So much flip flopping. She must be dizzy by all that yo-yoing her mind does.

Thank you for sharing any peek outs she has. It is helpful to us all.

As for a fatigued tank, remember, they can take a shot from a cannon and weather on! : )


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Happy New year everyone. Hope you are all doing well and are safe and healthy.

So a very quiet MLCr these past few weeks . Last contact from her was mid October. I guess her opening up as much as she did was a little hard on herself. She retreated into her dark hole. Her birthday is coming up, that is always a mess as her entitled self is very present.

Christmas and New years as weird and isolated as it was went by pretty ok. We've been in our new home since July and is all but done in renos. We have settled in very nicely. Also finally got my game/movie room set up, with projector, screen,. air hockey, darts and a modded Arcade stand up game with multiple old school games running on it.

one thing that surprised me was a message that popped up in my facebook messenger. I didnt see it at first and only noticed it when the person unsent the message. It leaves that trace. So I didn't get to read the message before they pulled it back.

Who might have sent it you ask.. we'll good old ex mother in law. Not sure what she wanted to share with me but the last time I spoke to her was when I asked her for help because her daughter was acting up and neglecting the girls. I was told to let her go only to never hear from the woman again.

All this time she never even asked to see the girls who she told off on their last call to her 5 years ago. They called her in a panic after their mom recklessly drove and braked hard a few times shaking them about in the back seat of the car with no seatbelts. My oldest face smashed against the back of XW seat all the while XW was yelling at them and punching the stearing wheel.

I won't inquire. It was probably a late night thought, she messaged something then next morning saw that i didn't read it and deleted it.

hope you all are doing well. I do read the situations from time to time. Hoping we all find that peace we so ache to have.

Irish


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
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