What about you? You have options in this too. She won't know what she's got, 'til it's gone.
That's right! I think part of the reason she wants to move back now is she thinks she's going to lose me. I am getting worn out with it all and can't stand for it much longer.
Update. Says she feels pressured and wants space for a few days. Also says she wants to come back home at the weekend and make a new start, total commitment, will do whatever is needed. W said last night she’s been hoping to come back and start afresh. She thinks I’m a different person to the one she left and is sceptical whether I’m different for her. I told her it’s not for her it’s for me.
If she's saying things like this, she's still not ready to commit. I remember in my sitch, the first "false start" with my WW involved her "committing" to "no contact" with OM... this is after i had just found her burner phone. She broke/threw away the phone, and then moped around the house for days saying snarky/resentful things like "No, I'm just going to sit her around the house like the 'good little wife' "
You'll know when she's ready to commit. She'll be desperate for it. Won't mind any transparency measures you suggest. May even suggest her own. And there will be no recalcitrance on her part... she'll be completely remorseful and contrite.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
I don’t believe that for a second that she thinks she’s going to lose you.
She will even if she doesn't know it. I've only got so much patience and understanding. I take my part in the marriage and to her seriously and want to make it work out but if she couldn't commit for much longer I'm honestly not that far from the edge. I know there is a mountain to climb next too and can only do that if she's willing to put in her fair share.
You'll know when she's ready to commit. She'll be desperate for it. Won't mind any transparency measures you suggest. May even suggest her own. And there will be no recalcitrance on her part... she'll be completely remorseful and contrite.
Update. Says she feels pressured and wants space for a few days. Also says she wants to come back home at the weekend and make a new start, total commitment, will do whatever is needed. W said last night she’s been hoping to come back and start afresh. She thinks I’m a different person to the one she left and is sceptical whether I’m different for her. I told her it’s not for her it’s for me.
She needs space but wants to come home and start fresh? Sounds like a walking contradiction of incongruency to me.
Glad I'm not the only one reading it that way!
OS, I would give her WAY more space than a few days. Tell her you don't want to see her/ talk to her for a month. Tell her you need to think about things. Because you do. You're not thinking clearly right now, you're lost in a fog of false hope.
Update. Says she feels pressured and wants space for a few days. Also says she wants to come back home at the weekend and make a new start, total commitment, will do whatever is needed. W said last night she’s been hoping to come back and start afresh. She thinks I’m a different person to the one she left and is sceptical whether I’m different for her. I told her it’s not for her it’s for me.
She needs space but wants to come home and start fresh? Sounds like a walking contradiction of incongruency to me.
Glad I'm not the only one reading it that way!
OS, I would give her WAY more space than a few days. Tell her you don't want to see her/ talk to her for a month. Tell her you need to think about things. Because you do. You're not thinking clearly right now, you're lost in a fog of false hope.
THIS
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
OS, I would give her WAY more space than a few days. Tell her you don't want to see her/ talk to her for a month. Tell her you need to think about things. Because you do. You're not thinking clearly right now, you're lost in a fog of false hope.
That's an interesting idea. I want her to come back when she wants to come back because she really wants me/us and is willing to work not because she's run out of options. As has been said above I'll know it when that's the case. We tend to have conversation daily over message and see each other a few times a week. She was staying over for a few nights at a time but that didn't really work and felt disjointed. We also spent a lot of time talking because we haven't got to MC stage and so weren't spending enough time having fun. If I opted for your suggestion would I say something like "I've been thinking, I'm not sure either of us are ready to give the M what it needs, and think we should have a month apart to think things over"?
What do I really know for sure? I know there was an A with PA and EA. I know she was planning on covering it up and returning in January after giving me the 'wakeup call' of her walking out 1.5 months earlier. She was planning on continuing the EA "as friends". Everything else is guesswork. It could be that ever since I found out she's thought the whole situation is messed up, has been feeling awful about it and that I'll forever hold it against her, particularly as I wasn't particularly happy last year and she rebelled. It could be that there is lasting EA/PA or even someone new.
If I opted for your suggestion would I say something like "I've been thinking, I'm not sure either of us are ready to give the M what it needs, and think we should have a month apart to think things over"?
I wouldn't put it that way, because she will argue that you don't know what she wants (which it true, you don't, and she probably doesn't either). Use "I" not "we". "I'm not sure I am ready to give the M what it needs, and think I need a month apart to think things over." Honestly you could even abbreviate it more and just say "I need a month apart to think things over." You don't have to explain yourself.
Quote
What do I really know for sure? I know there was an A with PA and EA. I know she was planning on covering it up and returning in January after giving me the 'wakeup call' of her walking out 1.5 months earlier. She was planning on continuing the EA "as friends".
I mean if you know that much then you know she's not willing to give up OM for you, and that's really all you need to know to continue DB'ing and give her more time and space until she's ready to do the right thing.
"I'm not sure I am ready to give the M what it needs, and think I need a month apart to think things over."
Think this is what I should have done, but I carried on blindly/hopefully and W has been back home a week now. She said she was fully committed before moving in but that hasn’t materialised - she still isn't being transparent sharing anything like phone etc which of course makes me feel there’s something still going on and wasn’t part of the deal of her moving back in. Our communication and friendship actually feels far better and she says she wants to be with me so badly but can't find the energy/spark etc. and feels inferior/shameful etc. due to what's happened. She keeps telling me how wonderful I am. I can't tolerate not having her full commitment though and feel she's still up to something whether that's EA or something more, I don't believe it's about privacy although she says it is. She said the other night she moved back in because she’s desperate to feel different about things and admitted she isn’t keeping up her end of things with the transparency.
I don't want to play detective or snoop and MWD says don't call W out on things with OM which I feel is right (even though difficult to bite my tongue, but I’m not stupid and am questioning everything because W is giving me 0 to build trust (apart from telling me where she is periodically) and there is plenty to question like thin excuses etc). W told me the couple of days away was at a friend's house for quiet reflection but I don't 100% believe that, she opted not to tell me where she was while she was there. I feel like a broken record now about NC with OM and I don’t want to bring that up anymore. She knows my position already. Situation is a little bit more complicated too because some relatives are ill which we are both close to.
What do you suggest I do now? I either say I need time and space and ask her to move back to her mum’s and initiate NC for her to sort herself out (does feel like a step back now) or get on with my life while she’s still living with me. I’m tired of asking for things from her (like NC with OM, transparency etc that she’s avoided/put off/usually says “I could do that” and doesn’t commit) and it makes me look weak when she’s not going through with them. Of course I can’t prove anything either way and don’t really want to either so it looks like I’m trying to control her if I go on about it. I should also keep in mind that OM contact could be overblown in my head because I’ve not got enough commitment/trust building from her. She completely plays down OM although half admitted that she could have messaged him while saying it's not about him, the problem is us.
She said that she feels stuck and that nothing she’s doing seems to be working and she’s miserable wherever she is. She’s not buying things for herself, not keeping up her appearance and wearing old/messy clothes as if punishing herself. She looks worn out. To me that doesn’t look like someone keeping up her appearance for an OM in a PA. (Thoughts?) She said she’s looking to me to tell her what she should do because she feels lost and says she needs a kick in the right direction. I think she’s being honest when she says she wants to be back together properly but she can’t emotionally grasp it. She says the dynamic between us has changed since we met and that we’re different people but still loves me, finds me attractive, likes my companionship, feels at home around me etc. She’s so close to me/relies on me for support/companionship and says she can’t imagine me not being in her life and she seems so vulnerable right now, crying every day etc that my instinct is to support her and help her through it but I feel like the best thing is to ask her to move out and initiate NC because nothing much is changing. I think that would be really tough for her, and I think that would be make or break for us. I think commitment on the transparency has to be a red line though - either there’s something going on or she doesn’t feel ready to commit yet?
