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#2882269 01/25/20 01:36 PM
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Hi everyone,
Reading forums and finding BenB brought me here (I am also from Scandinavia). Thank you BenB!
Just ordered the DR book and have started reading several posts here (seeing all my mistakes), but finding time is hard when trying to GAL and spending time with the kids. Actually at work/office right now (saturday) to get some space and quiet.


Me and W met almost 12 years ago (she was 18) and have actually lived together almost as long. We have gone through different phases but in general never had a real fight. Our biggest crisis was when we were getting our first child and I wasn't sure if I wanted (went to a counselor and had some really tough months). We have also struggled to get enough sex (whatever that means) and since we got our first child we have had several times that we didn't have sex for several weeks and even months. Typically W needs to have "the right feeling" for sex to happen. We (mostly she did) talked about this as a problem but never deep enough. I see now that I really should have taken this much much more seriously.

Timeline:
*Almost 3 years ago we got our 2nd and moved to our first house. We both love(d) the house but since W didn't have a drivers license and was on maternity leave she was quite alone the first year (I also traveled a bit for work).

*Fall 2018 she started a new job in a completely different role (salesman) and with more money. The ppl at work are also very different to most of her older friends. (At this time we also started to plan our wedding for 2019)

*In April last year (after a period of unusually high amounts of sex in January and February) I started to feel something was wrong. End of April she and another female co-worker spent the night at a male co-workers apartment. Our house is a bit remote and at this time I didn't think much about it.

* May/June we talk fairly often but she never really communicates her feelings and I don't really understand if its about me or life in general or something else. Says she's having second thoughts about the marriage but doesn't want to stop it. Spends way more time on her phone and I see she often Snapchats to the male co-worker.

*The summer was fairly good but low intimacy and not that real connection we usually have. I kept trying to get answers but she avoided to talk.

*The wedding was actually amazing and we had a blast.

*We had a mini-honeymoon weekend with our first sex since February she cried a bit after and when I asked why she said it was so much feelings since we hadn't had sex for so long.

*September things got really bad again, she hardly smiled and it got real tense between us. Especially after I found out (after checking her phone (which I have stopped doing)) that she had feelings for the male co-worker. She said it was feelings she had in May but that they probably had passed... I ask repeatedly if something has happen but she says no. I see she doesn't always wear her ring and I comment on it.

*October she finally admits its about me and her and I eventually say she has to make up her mind if she wants to give our M a chance or not, because not talking is only making things worse.
She also goes and buys a very expensive bag, which is something she would have laughed at a few years ago.
I started seeing a coach who I am still seeing. Has helped a lot.

*6th Dec she drops the bomb and says she wants to separate. I jump in to things and start planning practical things rather than say WTF? After a few days I realize what is actually about to happen and say I need more time to talk and understand. I ask if she wants a D but she never really answers..

*I book couples/family therapy but she doesn't show up, says she forgot...

*Spends the night after a night out at the male-coworkers place but lies to me about it. I find out after asking her sister the next day if W is awake but she isn't even there. Her sister get worried and calls immediately. I confront her again that evening and ask repeatedly if something is going on or has happend. "Not even a touch on the leg?" But she claims no and even says that HE has said that nothing is going to happen. That they are just really close friends...

*We spend Christmas apart (she with her family and me and the kids with mine). She completely avoids my family with whom's she has had a very close relationship over the years. Just sits in the car when leaving the kids...

*We spend new years apart and after have spent most nights apart since. She mostly sleeps at her sister place but has also told me (rather than me finding out later) that she slept 2/3 times at his place. We alternate living in the house together with the kids (whom we have not yet told). When I tell her that we will be splitting costs (I pay more) after the separation she is surprised and says she hasnt really thought about this. I even make her an Excel sheet with all our costs so she can do her own analysis. Pretty sure she never opened it again though.

*One night we have a really close talk, laugh, cry together, hug and she says "I love you" and I can hear she means it. She even says she sometimes get hope for us as a couple some time...

*We go to our first couples therapy mid January and it is a good session, we talk about our love and quite a bit about her and her youth. She cries and hugs me several times (she hasnt cried almost at all through this whole process). However after she says it was awful and probably doesnt want to go back.

*A week later we have had very little contact and I remind her about the next appointment time. She dosen't really answer me, as usual. One day when we're supposed switch she asked to do it the next day and after asking she admits she has filled here lips and doesn't want to show the kids yet.

* Of course she doesn't show up to the third session (three days ago). "Didn't you cancel it? I said it was really hard on me didn't I?" I get angry and text her several things including things like "Are you ever going to meet ME in this? Right no we are on a path to never having contact again, other than about the kids!"
I also tell her its her actions in this process that makes me frustrated and hurts me the most, not the actual decision to separate. She says she is having a hard time communicating because its natural for her to just want to please everyone and has a bad conscience for everything.

Other things:
I think having a wedding to plan during this process has held us back.
My logical sense says she actually didn't cheat, but to lie about all this is perhaps even worse than the cheat.
W's parents got D'd when she was 11/12 and her mother is diagnosed with some sort of borderline or bi-polar psychological illness (today she and her mother have no contact).
I till have here last name which sometimes feels really weird. I wanted to switch, but now...
I talk a lot with my brother about all this, but reading posts here it seems most ppl suggest to avoid that.
Most of me wants to just talk and understand more but I am also starting to feel like "going dark".


Id really like to hear you perspectives on things but also have a few questions right now:
Ben said to avoid counselling as much as possible, do you agree?
How and when do we tell the kids? I don't really want to say "WE dont love each other anymore" since this is her doing. At the same time I have read it isn't good to portray any sort of blame when talking to the kids.
I have been considering filing paper since I am getting tired of all this. Like show up one night with the papers signed and ready, only waiting for her signature. Would you wait?
My coach said I need to channel my anger, use it. "Ask yourself: "Is this OK with me?" If not, ACT!" Whats your take on this, I am typically someone who is never really angry and avoid conflict.
I exercise and play computer games to take my mind of things. GAL tips are appreciated smile


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Mumin #2882270 01/25/20 01:37 PM
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-68, D35,S34
Mumin #2882337 01/25/20 10:37 PM
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Mumin Offline OP
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Journaling
I am not sure I will ever forgive her for doing this to the kids, so easily and without really giving us a chance.


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Mumin #2882338 01/25/20 10:52 PM
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M,

That’s a normal feeling that may change in time.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
Mumin #2882400 01/26/20 07:09 PM
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Today was a "change" day, time for me to have the kids and live in the house.
She had clean everything real nice, and rearranged some things to sort of re-decorate. Seemed like she wanted praise or a compliment, I basically said well this looks nice but with low enthusiasm. Is that a sort of validation?
I also asked if she had done something to her hair and told her she was pretty... Was that bad? This stuff is real hard.

I did let her initiate conversation though which actually felt good. Last few months its always been me.

Booked my Coach/IC tomorrow, cant really get my head around what to say to the kids... It's going to be awful, I'm dreading it!!


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
LH19 #2882402 01/26/20 08:07 PM
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Mumin Offline OP
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Originally Posted by LH19
M,

That’s a normal feeling that may change in time.


Thanks LH, whats your take on my situation and my questions?


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Mumin #2882409 01/26/20 08:41 PM
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When your wife does something that merits recognition, give it to her. Show her that you noticed the effort she has put into cleaning the house or fixing herself up. There is nothing wrong in giving praise and compliments when the spouses do something right.

Do what works and if something isn't working, then don't do it again. There is no perfect way to handle spouses who are "out to lunch", so to speak. It's a trial and error and we all make mistakes. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue moving forward

Also, there is nothing wrong w/you booking IC for yourself, but at this time MC is not recommended until she is willing to go. She may end up going to IC on her own, but time will tell.

The Coach/IC will give you some ideas as to how to broach the subject w/the children. Just calm down and breathe. Keep the focus on you and your children.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2882412 01/26/20 08:56 PM
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Originally Posted by job


Do what works and if something isn't working, then don't do it again. There is no perfect way to handle spouses who are "out to lunch", so to speak. It's a trial and error and we all make mistakes. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue moving forward.



Sometimes you have to do something for a period of time (vs just once) to see if it is working.

I have at least 2 definitions of "it Working".

1) Changing your behavior. If you always argued, and then you switch to validating, and then you validate once, is that working? OR are you validating all the time and not arguing? Is that working?

The other "is it working?" is a positive change in the spouses behavior based on your change.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Mumin #2882415 01/26/20 09:11 PM
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IRT house cleaning say "Thanks, the place looks great".

IRT decorating "You have nice taste " or "Beautiful" with a smild.

Big picture you need to move into your house full time. It sounds pathetic to even write it like that, but dude....she cheats and you move out? WTF? She has been and is cheating, make the truth your shield, don't run from it. You need some strong Male support.

Quit reminding her of the appointment and quit going. She doesn't want to work on the marriage, don't you see that?

Your story is like so many here. You need to start reading other's situations and learning quickly.

Quote
I till have here last name which sometimes feels really weird. I wanted to switch, but now...


What does this mean?

Don't worry about telling the kids anything together. Be a strong father and tell them mom and dad are having a tough time if they ask.

If her cheating is a deal breaker then file for divorce, I assume it's not since you haven't filed. I can tell you aren't ready to file. Start to heal, learn, grow.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Mumin #2882470 01/27/20 07:41 AM
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Hi everyone,

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR SUPPORT!!!
It gives me a real boost emotionally , I can't tell you how much it means to me!
Like having another coach. smile

I will read and really contemplate all your advice.
The only on I might question or need to understand more is to move back in the house.
How is this good? Not exactly giving her space..

Quote
What does this mean?


Sorry for not being clear. I took her name after the wedding. Always wanted to.
But now it just feels weird.


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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