Well, it has been over 2 months since BD and H still spends nights out, returning in the a.m./p.m. I still find this extremely disrespectful. Either he just does not care about my feelings at all or he is so far gone in terms of mental state that he believes he is free to do whatever because he told me he does not want to work on the marriage. We are still intimate which complicates matters, but I feel it meets my needs so I continue. I realize it is just sex for him and am trying to think of it as just sex for me, although I still love him (I do not like him at all).
I still check his social media (I know I should stop) and see the inappropriate comments he makes on one sleazy woman's posts in particular. She could definitely be the OW or he may be working on making her the OW. Makes me want to puke.
Last edited by HesAble; 01/20/2008:14 PM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
I know this is hard! But he's behaving like an addict right now, and you've got to stop enabling him. Having sex with him while he openly flirts with sleazy women reminds me of the parents who give money and a home to their heroin-addicted kids using strange reasoning like "I don't want them to have to steal for their habit" or "they are going to do drugs anyway so I'd rather give them a safe place at home to do them." Tough love is the only thing that has any hope of working with an addict! Until you cut him off and treat him like the wayward soul he is, he will never experience any ramifications for his actions and will never repent of them. Cake-eaters will eat cake just as long as it is served up to them.
I know this is hard! But he's behaving like an addict right now, and you've got to stop enabling him. Having sex with him while he openly flirts with sleazy women reminds me of the parents who give money and a home to their heroin-addicted kids using strange reasoning like "I don't want them to have to steal for their habit" or "they are going to do drugs anyway so I'd rather give them a safe place at home to do them." Tough love is the only thing that has any hope of working with an addict! Until you cut him off and treat him like the wayward soul he is, he will never experience any ramifications for his actions and will never repent of them. Cake-eaters will eat cake just as long as it is served up to them.
Also, I should have mentioned that not having sex often enough was one of our marital issues all along. One to two times a week is not enough for him because he has a HD. I feel that rejecting his advances (I never initiate) will push him farther away. He acts less angry and more cooperative when we are intimate (this was even pre-BD).
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Also, I should have mentioned that not having sex often enough was one of our marital issues all along. One to two times a week is not enough for him because he has a HD. I feel that rejecting his advances (I never initiate) will push him farther away. He acts less angry and more cooperative when we are intimate (this was even pre-BD).
This is a 100% real-world example from my own family. My half-brother was addicted to crack. He would ask my dad for money, and if he got it then he would be very happy and complacent as he drove off to get his fix. If my dad refused then he would become extremely violent. One time he went into a rage and locked himself in the bathroom and broke the window and ripped the towel bar off the wall. My dad wanted to keep the peace so he gave him money whenever he wanted after that. About 6 months ago they found my half-brother sitting in a lawn chair in someone's backyard surrounded by other drug addicts living in tents. He had been dead for several days, his druggie "friends" couldn't even be bothered to move his body or call someone, they just left him there until the stench became unbearable. You can imagine what my dad thinks about his actions now. He blames himself for not standing up to him and possibly saving his life.
Obviously I'm not implying your H will die, but the lesson here is that appeasement is not the answer. Tough love is HARD, it is EXTREMELY hard. But it is the only way that you will get over your H and heal and recover, and the absolute only hope for him to ever hit bottom and start working on himself.
Also, I should have mentioned that not having sex often enough was one of our marital issues all along. One to two times a week is not enough for him because he has a HD. I feel that rejecting his advances (I never initiate) will push him farther away. He acts less angry and more cooperative when we are intimate (this was even pre-BD).
This is a 100% real-world example from my own family. My half-brother was addicted to crack. He would ask my dad for money, and if he got it then he would be very happy and complacent as he drove off to get his fix. If my dad refused then he would become extremely violent. One time he went into a rage and locked himself in the bathroom and broke the window and ripped the towel bar off the wall. My dad wanted to keep the peace so he gave him money whenever he wanted after that. About 6 months ago they found my half-brother sitting in a lawn chair in someone's backyard surrounded by other drug addicts living in tents. He had been dead for several days, his druggie "friends" couldn't even be bothered to move his body or call someone, they just left him there until the stench became unbearable. You can imagine what my dad thinks about his actions now. He blames himself for not standing up to him and possibly saving his life.
Obviously I'm not implying your H will die, but the lesson here is that appeasement is not the answer. Tough love is HARD, it is EXTREMELY hard. But it is the only way that you will get over your H and heal and recover, and the absolute only hope for him to ever hit bottom and start working on himself.
You are right. This is probably the hardest thing I have had to do in life. Part of letting go is putting in place boundaries.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
H does not know I have seen his comments on the sleazy woman's social media posts. Should I let him know I have seen them? I assume this goes against the no-snooping suggestion from DB rules.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
H does not know I have seen his comments on the sleazy woman's social media posts. Should I let him know I have seen them? I assume this goes against the no-snooping suggestion from DB rules.
Leave it. Just leave it alone. They look at it as an invasion of privacy. Ridiculous I know but that’s the view in their eyes. You’ll get “I can have eyes can’t I?” “Can’t I have friends?” He’ll point out guys in your social media that you went to grade school with and don’t actually even interact with. My H and OW are brazenly interacting on FB to the point HIS friend reached out and asked if I was ok. Deactivating my FB has been the best thing for my mental health recently. I know it’s happening. I know where he’s going and what he’s doing. But I’m not watching him put the needle in his arm so to speak. I won’t do it any more because while it kills me, it killing me means jack to him right now.
H does not know I have seen his comments on the sleazy woman's social media posts. Should I let him know I have seen them? I assume this goes against the no-snooping suggestion from DB rules.
Leave it. Just leave it alone. They look at it as an invasion of privacy. Ridiculous I know but that’s the view in their eyes. You’ll get “I can have eyes can’t I?” “Can’t I have friends?” He’ll point out guys in your social media that you went to grade school with and don’t actually even interact with. My H and OW are brazenly interacting on FB to the point HIS friend reached out and asked if I was ok. Deactivating my FB has been the best thing for my mental health recently. I know it’s happening. I know where he’s going and what he’s doing. But I’m not watching him put the needle in his arm so to speak. I won’t do it any more because while it kills me, it killing me means jack to him right now.
Ok, thanks. I figured it would be bad news to bring this up with him. I haven't seen the angry "Midlife Crisis Monster" in a while and would like to avoid him if at all possible. Sigh.
I am still reading DR so it is likely that the book will get me straight on a lot of my issues.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
No body’s a perfect DBer. You’ll get there. But don’t beat yourself up over it in the mean time. Every body slips. We all need support. So much if this is counterintuitive to most people’s natural “factory” settings. Trust me it had taken everything in me to not set his crap on fire on the front law or post on social media what a dumpster fire of a human being he is right now and all his little gf’s contact info. My factory presets are pretty angry. But even the little bit of sadness, begging and angry i let him see in the beginning got pretty visceral reactions. And they were mostly compromised of disgust and pity. And I want neither of those things from him. Im sure you don’t either.
No body’s a perfect DBer. You’ll get there. But don’t beat yourself up over it in the mean time. Every body slips. We all need support. So much if this is counterintuitive to most people’s natural “factory” settings. Trust me it had taken everything in me to not set his crap on fire on the front law or post on social media what a dumpster fire of a human being he is right now and all his little gf’s contact info. My factory presets are pretty angry. But even the little bit of sadness, begging and angry i let him see in the beginning got pretty visceral reactions. And they were mostly compromised of disgust and pity. And I want neither of those things from him. Im sure you don’t either.
Yes, anger is an emotiom that keeps creeping up for me. I also want to remind H that not only is he being a terrible H, but he is being a neglectful father and terrible role model for our children. They are probably so confused. He needs to figure out how to explain his behavior because I am not covering for him.
Also has anyone suggested IC to their wayward spouse? I want to bring it up am but am sure it will backfire. I suggested MC which of course he refused because he wants a D.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
