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A Message from Michele
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Just filed Separation and maintenace in SC #2881318
01/19/20 12:07 AM
01/19/20 12:07 AM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 65
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Mach40 Offline OP
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Mach40  Offline OP
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My wife and I are just now, after 3 years of moving in and out of the house, filing for a separation. SC doesnt have an official, but you do a separation maintenance agreement, divorce lite, and when ready to file, the contract is there for family court to approve.

We have ahead a rocky relationship for the first 5 years of our marriage. Lack of intimacy, poor communication, and me toxic and abusive mentally to one child, my oldest step child. We got married when I was 35, she was 33. My first marriage. Now, 10 years later I have come full circle. Yes it took a while. We never put allot of effort into trying to fix things, as we thought we were, but in reality we werent. But, after my 3 year grand baby was born, everything changed.

Not that I hadnt changed already, but people started to see it as we were with the baby and my oldest step daughter a heck uv alot more. She and I get along great now.

So, my wife didnt have an affair, but she had a person cross the line with her online, and phone, but she never put a stop to it. I found out and called him out and he unfriended her, blocked and hasnt called for a couple months. She hasnt even tried. He is in another state and a rich investor, and she is a realtor.. But, it was out catalyst.

We decided do get a separation to force the issue of her getting all the bills in her name that need to be, and to force her not to rely on me so much. She pays her rent, always has, her car payment, now insurance and stuff. This starts the healing and as I call a trial divorce.

Strange thing happened though. We started communicating in ways we never had. She told me why she left me, and I gave her closure. I never knew why she left me, and she never asked for closure on somethings.

She needs to heal, and she told me her heart is hardened with a big wall around it. Her first marriage took 13 years to recover, no help, counseling etc. After talking for several times, she is actually opening up about her fears of losing me if her heart heals to another woman if we divorce. But, she wants to date non committal men to see help her heal ( can someone explain WTH that means?) She thinks if I date someone, I will fully embrace her and go forward. Right now that would be a rebound, unfair to everyone.

So, I am at a loss as to what to do. I am in Individual Counseling now, she is going to sign up she says, we shall see. She is 6- day a week busy..
Thoughts, comments?

Last edited by job; 01/19/20 01:48 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs

Never Forget your past so you dont repeat, and regret it... The grass isnt greener on the other side, its just a different shade, and time will show it..
Re: Just filed Separation and maintenace in SC [Re: Mach40] #2881319
01/19/20 12:12 AM
01/19/20 12:12 AM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,117
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Cadet Offline

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Cadet  Offline

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-66, D33,S32
Re: Just filed Separation and maintenace in SC [Re: Mach40] #2881344
01/19/20 09:45 AM
01/19/20 09:45 AM
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Posts: 65
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Mach40 Offline OP
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Mach40  Offline OP
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Thanks, Will start reading links provided.


Never Forget your past so you dont repeat, and regret it... The grass isnt greener on the other side, its just a different shade, and time will show it..
Re: Just filed Separation and maintenace in SC [Re: Mach40] #2881346
01/19/20 11:33 AM
01/19/20 11:33 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,020
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CWarrior Online
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So sorry you're here. Must be rough, hearing the woman you love plans to date others. frown

Originally Posted by "Steve40"
she is actually opening up about her fears of losing me if her heart heals to another woman if we divorce. But, she wants to date non committal men to see help her heal ( can someone explain WTH that means?) She thinks if I date someone, I will fully embrace her and go forward. Right now that would be a rebound, unfair to everyone.

You're Plan B. In her dream world, she dates around to find her Plan A while you wait as her Plan B. If you were to date around too, she may not have a Plan B safety blanket, spoiling everything. wink

Originally Posted by "Steve40"
Right now that would be a rebound, unfair to everyone.

Hmm. You decide what's right for you. It's a bit.. patrimonious.. to decide what's right for others? I was on Tinder for one day.. less than a month after my breakup.. and I had plenty of matches. The person who now calls me "boyfriend" was aware of this history and decided to take a chance. They will be rewarded. smile

I mean to say, be honest, decide what's right for you--and let others make their choices!

Last edited by CWarrior; 01/19/20 11:41 AM.

My partner of 2yrs left and moved away. Three months later we reconciled as a family living separately. I've accepted she sees us as an "us" forever, but can't see her daughter living in my community.
Re: Just filed Separation and maintenace in SC [Re: CWarrior] #2881361
01/19/20 03:35 PM
01/19/20 03:35 PM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 65
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Mach40 Offline OP
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Yes it does. When you have known someone for 30, half of that being married its allot. I caused the failure in the marriage for the most part..

I dont want to push her wall up any hire, but, she knows I am not happy or agree with the dating thing.. I know how she is. She wont take anyones opinions on anything. She has to figure things out for herself.. We have been separated for a while, and not intimate for some time..

As of late we are seeing things in a different lite. She is seeing that work isnt as important as family. She and I just had a friend die last week, and it made her put a serious work contract on the back burner, just so she could go to the funeral.. This is not normal for her.. It hit her pretty hard.

But, within 2 months we have covered allot of issues and ground. Allot of clarity and forgiveness on the past..Nothing is Fixed per say, but, the table has less items on it now.

I guess my hurdle is to accept our marriage is over, due to separation, and let her do her thing which is find clarity and compare me to others. And for me to just find woman to date and see what the market holds.

One other thing we discussed, more me than her, was how are we going to do the separation. No contact or structured. She was adamant against no contact. But, she will be the one who doesnt rely on me for anything anymore. Unless its an emergency.

Last edited by job; 01/19/20 04:05 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs for easier reading

Never Forget your past so you dont repeat, and regret it... The grass isnt greener on the other side, its just a different shade, and time will show it..
Re: Just filed Separation and maintenace in SC [Re: Mach40] #2881410
01/19/20 09:36 PM
01/19/20 09:36 PM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 65
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Mach40 Offline OP
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Mach40  Offline OP
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Hmm, that plan B statement has me thinking.... I need to stop analyzing, lol


Never Forget your past so you dont repeat, and regret it... The grass isnt greener on the other side, its just a different shade, and time will show it..
Re: Just filed Separation and maintenace in SC [Re: Mach40] #2881416
01/19/20 09:50 PM
01/19/20 09:50 PM
Joined: May 2019
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kas99 Offline
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Donít do the rebound thing. Heal first. Donít be the guy that self medicates by using other people. Yes stop analyzing just stick with she wants to date other men.....period.

Re: Just filed Separation and maintenace in SC [Re: kas99] #2881418
01/19/20 10:01 PM
01/19/20 10:01 PM
Joined: Jan 2020
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Mach40 Offline OP
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Mach40  Offline OP
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Originally Posted by kas99
Donít do the rebound thing. Heal first. Donít be the guy that self medicates by using other people. Yes stop analyzing just stick with she wants to date other men.....period.

Yes when she explained the dating thing, I shook my head and just dealt with it at the time. She said, its just going to non physical, non committal relationships. Just see other people to heal.. I will never understand that. My gut feeling believe her, as I knew her the last time she went through separation with her first husband. We werent dating, but we saw each other for lunches, dinners etc. Platonic. But, I digress.


Never Forget your past so you dont repeat, and regret it... The grass isnt greener on the other side, its just a different shade, and time will show it..
Re: Just filed Separation and maintenace in SC [Re: Mach40] #2881428
01/19/20 11:30 PM
01/19/20 11:30 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,020
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CWarrior Online
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Originally Posted by Steve40
My gut feeling believe her, as I knew her the last time she went through separation with her first husband. We werent dating, but we saw each other for lunches, dinners etc. Platonic. But, I digress.

It doesn't sound like getting to know you over lunches, dinners, etc. was harmless for the ex-husband.

Originally Posted by Steve40
Just see other people to heal.. I will never understand that.


Originally Posted by "Too fast, too soon? An empirical investigation into rebound relationships"

Among those in new relationships, the speed with which they began their relationship was associated with greater psychological and relational health. Overall, these findings suggest that rebound relationships may be more beneficial than typically believed.


That said, I was shell-shocked at the first BD back in May'19 and would've been in no place to date.


My partner of 2yrs left and moved away. Three months later we reconciled as a family living separately. I've accepted she sees us as an "us" forever, but can't see her daughter living in my community.
Re: Just filed Separation and maintenace in SC [Re: Mach40] #2881430
01/19/20 11:44 PM
01/19/20 11:44 PM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 65
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Mach40 Offline OP
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Mach40  Offline OP
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Were you being sarcastic about the getting to know you during lunches etc. We saw each other but nothing more. I didnt marry her for almost 8 years after that, when I came back and was more permanent in area.
And the first bomb drop in May 19 that shell shocked you, what was it?


Never Forget your past so you dont repeat, and regret it... The grass isnt greener on the other side, its just a different shade, and time will show it..
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