I think I am four or five years into MLC with my XH. BD was 10/20/17. All of the things I have read about are there, the angry spewing, the victim playing, the rewriting history and projection. The questions I havenít been able to find answers on are regarding the drama they tend to cause out of barely anything at all for control even dealing with the kids, and is another woman still considered an alienator if he is divorced now? I know someone will tell me heís not out of midlife crisis just bc heís divorced but Iím struggling now to gain understanding on how these aspects apply once the divorce is done mainly the drama because it seems so unnecessary now to me. I have learned so much reading through this forum and other places. My story is echoed in so many of yours.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
How about telling us a bit more about your situation, as well as yourself. It helps us to get to know you better, as well as offering up advice, comments, suggestions, etc.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for all the reading. It certainly helps! Well a little backstory. Me and my ex are both 39 married 15 years together 17, have 3 sons now but 2 teens prior to bomb drop. We were a military family and he was stationed in Japan during BD. We had been over there with him for about a year but came back to the states due to financial reasons and this is where I now believe the crisis began. He told me more recently this time is where I abandoned him and threw him away like trash. I assure you that was not the case but going back thatís where I see the money spending changed then there were questionable hotel visits but at that time no one knew. Then around BD time things just werenít right he was acting weird and talking weird and I honestly thought he had gotten hooked on drugs or something over there. Then I found the affair with the Japanese escort that didnít speak English and from there itís just been like a totally different person inside his body but sometimes itís like the old him. We have been through the whole cake eating aspect as well. I didnít know about this and mistook this for the ending of the crisis however that has not been the case and the drama and spewing that has almost gone away is back and another woman. We are divorced now but Iím questioning if he is returning to replay again. I have moved on with my life and only deal with him from a distance however it seems he uses the kids to drag me back into drama each time I distance myself and try to go no contact. Iím not sure anymore to be honest bc itís been so mind boggling. Itís like everything he says or does is either to get a reaction from me or hurt me. Itís toxic for the kids and I want them to have a healthy environment so I distance myself and go no contact just to try to gain some clarity and peace. Thatís where I am now. Iím still new to this process as having just began searching for answers and found MLC to fit what it seems to be going on.
I guess my question is mainly why donít they just leave the LBS alone in peace and go on with their lives instead of being so hateful and making any drama just to be hurtful or get reactions? It all seems pointless and unnecessary. Iím just not understanding but Iím trying to lay low, detach and keep out of sight out of mind however sometimes I feel full on attacked simply bc we have children together. Sometimes I feel like I may be the crazy one but then I read other stories and remember all the things described. Will it always be this way bc if so Iím thinking about maybe moving to get away from it bc I wish for a healthy environment for the kids. Out of sight out of mind sort of thing. Anyone have any advice for a struggling newbie?
Boundaries. You need to put boundaries in place. Moving away with the kids etc, is not a good solution, for them or for you.
Itís hard to put in boundaries which seem to go against what we desperately want, but as you say - when the contact happens it can destroy and manipulate us into despair and sadness.
Perhaps write an email stating what your boundaries are. Sit on it for a week or so, and then re-read with your IC. If youíre still happy with it, give it to your spouse.
You need to protect yourself and your mind and heart. Make it clear that separation is not what you want, but hat you have clear expectations on how your interactions will be and what is and is not okay during this current phase.
Thank you Kind18. I appreciate your response and guidance and I do agree with everything you have said. I didnít know or really understand the boundary thing at first but I did read about it as it pertains to the LBS. I have tried to set boundaries on the disrespect and behavior going against what I state I want and him doing the complete opposite just to be spiteful bc I stated it however after reading your post I can now realize that I am not being consistent so that is allowing him to continue the disrespect and drama. Thank you, now I will read further on setting clear boundaries and being consistent.
Sorry you find yourself here, but you will find many solutions in dealing with your MLCer as well as great support
The crises is more about them, some say it is possibly caused by unresolved childhood issues, not about the LBS Yes there were problems in all M, but the MLcer aged around 40, seems to go off the deep end So remember this is not your fault.
You mentioned he may be using drugs? alcohol? I found Alanon, extremely helpful in learning detaching skills in dealing with an alcoholic or drug addict or difficult person
Try to detach and know that his nasty behavior ( typical MLCer behavior) is about him
You can work on your side of the street only and learn skills to set limits as Kind said and ignore his behavior remembering you cant change him and he may be in a lot of pain due to the crises, so you can see him as an ill person mentally ill
You can empower yourself by learning getting support-therapy-coaching-counseling by sharing listening practicing new skills loving and forgiving yourself not owning his issues trusting the process self care exercise prayer meditation yoga hobbies nature
find things that charge and lift you
you can do this too as many of us here have..
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thank you peacetoday. Yes I think his childhood was in a very toxic environment and maybe that is what is normal to him. Not exactly sure but def know his childhood was unhealthy as his father cheated then abandoned them and never looked back and wasnít active in their lives after that. Seems like my ex was always chasing his father to have a relationship with him even into adulthood. My ex was always opposite of that so I can see where it is said they turn into their opposite. Iím not sure but if this is about their childhood and the unresolved issues regarding that...I wonder sometimes about disorders either mental or personality...is there any correlation that anyone has recognized? As for working on me thanks for the healthy suggestions, some of these I have been doing and working on my inner self but these give me more ideas.