There is so much great advice here I don’t know where to start.
But I’m not sure it matters unfortunately. Mediator called today and my wife was very intent on getting that scheduled and done with ASAP. I feel somewhat resolved to the fact that a marriage takes two and I’m only one. I may have done it wrong, here there and everywhere but I’m not sure it matters.
She is throwing around all the buzz words: gaslighting, narcissist, toxic relationship, and emotionally abusive. Once you label someone it’s easier to disregard them and throw them away. These are all buzzwords that are popular as well, so to label me with them is just tells me she’s been reading something or talking to someone. Whatever.
I don’t know if it’s the last resort technique I wrote about or what but I’ll go along for the ride. I’ll be here if she wants to come back. But otherwise I’ll work to move on. My family and friends support me. I’ll focus on the kids. It will get easier the further we go in the process because I’ll Have more clarity as we move further along.
That was a really great post and you are taking this with grace and dignity. I have told you from the start your sitch is a lot like mine. I’m a year and a half into D and my wife’s life is not better. In fact I saw her tonight and she looks worn out. They are chasing the dragon and it doesn’t tend to work out as planned.
Thanks LH. I just wish i could sleep. If i could sleep I would feel so much better. I’ve been laying in bed for two hours and my head just spins. I really don’t want to rely on medicine for this but I can’t go sleepless night after night.
Speaking from experience when i was in your position-- Bombdropped, marriage on the rocks, Wife seeing another man, couldn't sleep, I found that Unisom is fairly effective and also fairly innocuous as a sleep aid-- it is basically just a repurposed antihistimine, so no psychoactive effects or dependency or ambien sleepwalking. In a similar vein I have also gotten good results with an older antihistimine called Chlortrimetron, which i like because i actually do have allergies and rhinitis/sinusitis and it does a good job on those symptoms as well.
Either way, you can use either one of those without most, if any, of the worries you get with prescription or narcotic sleep aids.
Last edited by hoosjim; 02/12/2005:13 AM.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
I don’t know if it’s the last resort technique I wrote about or what but I’ll go along for the ride. I’ll be here if she wants to come back. But otherwise I’ll work to move on. My family and friends support me. I’ll focus on the kids. It will get easier the further we go in the process because I’ll Have more clarity as we move further along.
Do not wait on her. A watched kettle never boils. And do not say move on, rather say move forward. And forward you must move regardles of what's going on with your wife. You have soo much growing to do. And healing. Do not wait. Ever again. Walk your path boldly. Do not look over your shoulder if she is following. Be a man. Be a leader. Be strong. You don't beg, you don't grovel.
Get some quality exercise. It will help with the brain chemistry and it will help with sleep.
Vapo: I’m not waiting. I have no hope of her returning. I talk to my coach tomorrow which I’m looking forward to. Living in the same home through this phase is going to be hell as is sleeping in the same bed. We haven’t told the kids and there is no current plan to do so, which makes it hard to sleep elsewhere.
I’m not sure how to process and move through all of this. My IC happens to be gone for three weeks right now which is great timing.
My current goal is to do my best to be gentle and kind while feeling this pain. I’m very afraid of telling the kids. That is going to break my heart. I’ve tried to read a co-parenting book i was given but I struggle to read any of it.
And I typically exercise doing CrossFit 5 days per week, that will continue. I’ll probably try some of the recommended sleep aids like Unisom.
Man it feels like you are living my old life. I also did CrossFit and trained for a half marathon to keep my sanity.
Most of the fears you have right now will not come true. If your children see you handle it well then they will be ok with it. For now I would stay away from the coparenting books and stick with self help.
If you able to remain in the same bed and delay telling your children until the last minute. Start doing things separately to get them use to it.
I promise you that you will beat this and you and your children will survive and thrive.
If your kids are small like mine were during divorce, telling them about it may not have a great deal of meaning until they see what it looks like. LH19 is right doing more activities independently with them will likely ease the transition.
Thanks LH. I just wish i could sleep. If i could sleep I would feel so much better. I’ve been laying in bed for two hours and my head just spins. I really don’t want to rely on medicine for this but I can’t go sleepless night after night.
So you got the physical activity down. And unisom/benadryl will work. I use something else non-addictive, but not something I'm not going to put out here. A shower about an hour before bed helps your body to relax. I'd recommend Dr. Bronner's castile soap in the lavender scent for that shower. I know you're a dude but real lavender isn't exactly a girly floral scent. Like at all. The sleeping arrangement is odd to me, but to each his own. Get a body pillow to put between you. This is something I had to do right after Christmas when we had house guests. Next get a diffuser, get a sleep blend essential oil or just straight lavender. Get a weighted blanket just for your side. Try to keep your room cool but you cozy. Next I would recommend white noise or a sleep meditation/sleep story app. As long as we don't fight I sleep like a baby. He was out with OW last night I was knocked out well before he got home. You should be able to get all of that from Amazon but any big box retailer will have most if not all of the things I listed. Sleeping better and staying active has really helped me stay more grounded and less emotional throughout.
