No , I haven't, Thinking about this and I think it's because I want some sort of control too. Around being involved with someone else. Obviously I can't control that.
What is it going to take you to get to a place to treat W as a friend, let her go, accept and honor her wishy washy wishes, and focus on yourself and your future? She does have some validity for wanting to focus on herself. So give her the space. But you write your own rules for you and do what you want. What did I say? They make rules for Betas, and and break their own rules for Alphas. Look. We are all hear because of stagnant growth issues whether they be emotional financial, spuritual or whatever. When people "go looking to find themselves" it could be legit, or it could be manipulation. Sometimes they change their peers because of a change they are going through. Sometimes they change their peers because of outside influences and orbitors they are looking to chameleon around to gain their acceptance. You will see it in their actions. They might change music. What they read. How they dress. Maybe a new vehicle. Different peers. Sudden weight loss, etc. Watch their actions, watch their influences, their peers, watch what they are watching and reading. We have all heard all the descriptives here of what your W is going through in one form or another. I know you don't want to hear this but? Cold hard truth is people get bored of their partners in monogamous relationships in this day and age, their shared lives, their routines, their predictability, and their dynamics. Too many options out there. Just assume their is always someone else waiting in the wings. ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE DISTANT and breadcrumbing you with short text responses. Not giving you any of their time, etc. Remember you are nobody's plan b. Pay attention to actions. Learn from it, and move on with your life. They will try to set the new "lets be friends and play family, I still want to keep you around just in case norm." While they go explore their new lives, new yoga, new friends, new workout partner, and potentially new romantic interests. People can be addicted to new. Its an endorphin high. Just the way it is Jdevast.So start writing out your goals and committed actions how you want your life to look going forward without her. If you can handle it while being unattached then accept the invites on occasion with the kids. Just keep a cool logical head on your shoulder and observe though.
Agree, There were a lot of changes I observed with new peer group, new clothes, weight loss , going out, new books and music ( she's currently reading Eat,pray love) Fully accept things had got really boring and this was all exciting for her.
There is some realisation of reality in her starting to recognise that she is in a different place to these younger single friends and has voiced need to stay in more, hang out more with other friends who are similar age, have kids etc.
This is also pretty rooted into reality of financial situation, we are both broke now, business is a pressure, she can't spend money on going out, hanging with friends when there is the responsibility of the kids.
The winter also plays a part, she definitely suffers with seasonal depression and is more homely over winter. I have a valid concern she will feel freer and possibly return to going out more with new peers as summer returns.
I have to show more leadership in suggesting things to do with the kids and at the same time get better at turning down some opportunities for family time.
I have some new boundaries to set regarding work and the kids as I feel an undercurrent of disrespect there. Lack of trust, and some controlling/ bossy behaviour.
I've pulled her up twice this week on bossy statements, which she has actually owned and apologised for.
I wonder whether there is a need to make a final statement at next therapy session. After this session we will not be discussing the relationship
I want to communicate I won't be jumping through hoops or waiting to be plan b. I also want to communicate where I stand right now, in terms of being clear that I don't want this seperation, would prefer to work on the relationship but will respect her space.
Don't want to flog a dead horse ,but upcoming meeting seems like a big punctuation in what's happening. And I won't be raising r talks after.
Holy $hit J do you really think you need to communicate this for the thousandth time you don’t want this to happen?
Also right not if you looked up the definition of Plan B in the dictionary there would be a picture of you next to it.
If you want to SHOW her you’re not Plan B start with no rules on separation.
Look at your Ws actions. All of them point to terminating the marriage. She just wants to do it with a safety net. Eat, Prey and Love is like a woman’s guide to divorce.
I hear you, When I write / post on here I tend to almost free write stream of consciousness like journaling Lot of needy thoughts are there and come out here. The days I post are by default the days I'm at my lowest ,days I'm seeking reassurance or validation.
I understand this is difficult. You have to remember that most of us giving you advice have been through it already. We understand your looking for reassurance. Your W knows you better then anyone so she understands you’re looking for reassurance. That’s why she gives you crumbs and you gobble them up. You are so hungry right now you will eat anything she gave you.
We can’t guarantee you reconciliation. We can offer you are opinions on your best chance moving forward. Most of us supporting you have been at least 5 years and have seen hundreds of these play out. You need to make a strong move to change the dynamic of your situation.
