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A Message from Michele
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Re: Midlife wife crisis13 [Re: Wolfman] #2884879
02/10/20 06:57 PM
02/10/20 06:57 PM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,085
San Antonio, Texas
J
joejoe1 Offline
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joejoe1  Offline
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J
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,085
San Antonio, Texas
W,

It sounds like you need to be honest with this young lady and move on. She don't need to be in your life at the moment, you can't make her the priority she wants to be and it's nothing wrong with that. Just be honest and upfront and let her know that you have more important things you have to take care of right now and you need time for yourself and kids.

Ask yourself, if she's immature, is that a woman that you want around your children when you are not around them. Because, if she can't past that test, you all should go ya'll separate ways. Sounds like she stills have growing to do on her own.

Joejoe


M:36 W:35
T:9 M:8
S15, S11, S8, S3
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Re: Midlife wife crisis13 [Re: Wolfman] #2884935
02/10/20 11:53 PM
02/10/20 11:53 PM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 911
I
IHCLACS Offline
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IHCLACS  Offline
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I
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 911
Teachers salary? Move in together? Met your kids 3 times. Dating what? 6 months? Oh brother!

Re: Midlife wife crisis13 [Re: Wolfman] #2884945
02/11/20 12:28 AM
02/11/20 12:28 AM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,466
D
DejaVu6 Offline
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DejaVu6  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,466
You donít sound like you are in love with your girlfriend and thinking of a future with her. It sounds as if you are using her to make yourself feel better. Do her a favour and let her go. Tell her, honestly, that you are not on the same page and she would do better to date other people and find someone who is. I agree with Ginger. You are being selfish keeping her around. Sheís looking for Mr. Right and you only see her as Ms. Right Now. Work on yourself Wolf. Get healthy. Get over your W before you start dating anyone else.


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Midlife wife crisis13 [Re: DejaVu6] #2884973
02/11/20 02:37 PM
02/11/20 02:37 PM
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 483
W
Wolfman Offline OP
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Wolfman  Offline OP
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W
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 483
Originally Posted by IHCLACS
Teachers salary? Move in together? Met your kids 3 times. Dating what? 6 months? Oh brother!

What is that all suppose to mean? Iím a little confused.

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
You donít sound like you are in love with your girlfriend and thinking of a future with her. It sounds as if you are using her to make yourself feel better. Do her a favour and let her go.


I am falling in love with her. I want a future with her. I really do. But she needs some growing up to do. She wants to be number 1 in my life over my kids. This is all new and fresh to my kids. I have to be very careful of their needs. I really want this relationship with her, but when she says things like she is number 1 over my kids, I have a problem with that. Even my IC said she should not move in right now. Too soon for the kids. GF wants to either move in or nothing. I will try a little longer to make it work, but if I am the only one putting in the effort then it will be time for me to back off. At first I would say I was dating her for my own selfish reasons but I do want this with her. If I didnít have 2 kids I would definitely have her move in. I need to know that this is solid.

Anyway on other news I took my d to Home Depot to pick out colors for her room. She was excited that I was letting her color the room how she wanted. Purple and grey. We picked up samples and put some on the wall yesterday and she was excited. She also asked me if GF was moving in, I told her no. And she was very happy with that too. Divorce is h3ll on the kids. I want to make this as happy as I can for them. I want to create a place that they can call home to and feel comfortable. I am willing to sacrifice my relationship with my GF for my childrenís happiness. Because honestly I would have been so happy for my GF to move in. But itís not about my happiness all the time, sometimes itís about doing whatís right. I read a quote the other day and it just keeps playing out in my head. The quote I read was, ďDonít do whatís easy, do whatís right.Ē I wish I would have done that early on in my situation when a lot of you were telling me what I should have done, but I didnít because my way was the easy way not the right way. Donít know if anyone agrees with what I am doing or not as far as sacrificing my relationship for my kids but I need to.

Lastly I feel like if my GF truly loved me she would be patient and eventually I would have her move in. She said something to me last night that really bothered me. She said she is now going to focus more on herself than the relationship.


M:41 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:12. S:9
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
Re: Midlife wife crisis13 [Re: joejoe1] #2884974
02/11/20 02:42 PM
02/11/20 02:42 PM
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 483
W
Wolfman Offline OP
Member
Wolfman  Offline OP
Member
W
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 483
Originally Posted by joejoe1
W,

It sounds like you need to be honest with this young lady and move on. She don't need to be in your life at the moment, you can't make her the priority she wants to be and it's nothing wrong with that. Just be honest and upfront and let her know that you have more important things you have to take care of right now and you need time for yourself and kids.
Joejoe


I was honest with her about where she stood as far as priorities. She doesnít like that the kids are number one. Only number one as far as living arrangement. If the roles where reversed I would understand if a woman said to me I donít think my kids are ready for this. I told her I still want the relationship and she can stay over my house when kids are not around, which would always be Sunday to Thursday and every other weekend. Just the weekend that my kids stay with me she wouldnít be able to stay until my kids get use to this new arrangement and we know our relationship is solid. I think that is very fair and reasonable.


M:41 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:12. S:9
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
Re: Midlife wife crisis13 [Re: Wolfman] #2885037
02/11/20 08:26 PM
02/11/20 08:26 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,980
A
AnotherStander Offline
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AnotherStander  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,980
Originally Posted by Wolfman
I am not discarding her. She doesnít want the relationship as much anymore. She wants to move in with me and I said I donít think that is a good idea.


Sounds like she's sending you some mixed signals. She doesn't want the R as much, but she wants to move in. I've learned the hard way that a relationship needs to be on very firm footing before moving in together or the R will not survive. Before I got married I moved in with a GF I had been happily dating a year and another year later we were beyond done with each other. After my D my GF got herself into trouble with her apartments (for having a pit bull) and couldn't renew her lease, so she moved in with me temporarily. Oh man, the stories I could tell. It was a disaster. She moved out and we did continue to date, but years later she was still harboring resentment over it.

Quote
My kids need to get adjusted to this new life.


It takes a woman of deep emotional stability and maturity to step into that situation of moving in with someone that has kids. It doesn't sound like your GF is anything close to that.

Quote
I told her she could be there most of the time. But she canít stay over when my kids are there and she is having a hard time with that.


So did my GF. These are huge red flags and it sounds like you are choosing to ignore them like I did. I eventually saw how selfish and immature my GF was being, but it took a major event before I woke up. The event was my father dying a few weeks ago. I asked her to come over because I was really down about it. She instead chose to go on a bar crawl with some friends and got so messed up on mushrooms that she was sending texts I couldn't even read. She spent the entire weekend drinking and getting high and barely texting me a word in my time of grief. Then she chose to pick a fight over my "selfish" request to have her drop everything and come see me. Don't wait for it to go that far with your GF, you're already seeing the red flags, pay them heed.

Quote
I told her if things go well over time, then yes, I would have her move in.


No. No promises. Tell her that FIRST she needs to show you emotional stability and maturity, and THEN the two of you can discuss those options.

Quote
Honestly if these problems are happening now whatís it going to be like down the road.


I can tell you, because I've already been there.

Quote
I understand she wants to be and feel like she is number 1 in my life. Every boyfriend/girlfriend wants to, but itís not just about her and I. I have kids I need to take care of and protect.


That's correct. My XGF has a daughter, I told her that I expect her daughter to be a priority over me just as my kids are a priority over XGF. She said she understood and respected that, but of course would then pick fights with me over how I focused too much on the kids and not on her. Even though most of her excuses about not having time to see me were because of her daughter.

If any of this is sounding familiar then break it off with her now. It's not going to change with time.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Midlife wife crisis13 [Re: Wolfman] #2885048
02/11/20 09:29 PM
02/11/20 09:29 PM
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 584
I
IronWill Offline
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IronWill  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 584
Hey Wolf -

I agree with the others. I'm going to come at this from a very simple perspective.

You shouldn't be seeing anyone if you are not over your W.

It's not fair to the GF, and it creates too much drama for you at a time when you should be simplifying things and spending time with your kids.

My 2 cents

Stay strong smile

Re: Midlife wife crisis13 [Re: IronWill] #2885053
02/11/20 09:56 PM
02/11/20 09:56 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,455
Southern Maryland
job Offline

Member
job  Offline

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Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,455
Southern Maryland
Please take some time and heal yourself first. You and your children are the most important people in this equation at the moment. If you still have feelings for your w, then you aren't ready to commit to someone moving in and being around 24/7.

Take the time to get settled into your new single life and above all else, help your children adjust. Bringing someone into the mix, who according to you still needs to grow up a bit, is only going to create a lot of crazy making behavior and it certainly will not be a calm atmosphere for you and your children. There will be just too much drama and if she's not willing to stand by and watch you put your children first...then she's out...period.

Work on you and take care of your children for now.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: Midlife wife crisis13 [Re: Wolfman] #2885137
02/12/20 07:46 AM
02/12/20 07:46 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,167
V
Vapo Offline
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Vapo  Offline
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Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,167
Please take some time and reread AS's post a couple of times. Let it sink in. Ignoring the red flags will land you in a lot of hot water. You do not need this $hit. Especially not now. Focus on you and the kids. Your GF is impeding your growth.

Re: Midlife wife crisis13 [Re: Wolfman] #2885555
02/14/20 02:28 AM
02/14/20 02:28 AM
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 483
W
Wolfman Offline OP
Member
Wolfman  Offline OP
Member
W
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 483
All of you are so right. She needs to mature more. Itís so hard to let go. I am so attracted to her and she has a lot of amazing qualities. Of course being mature is a big one. I have a huge flaw that I have been recently realizing. I go for very attractive women and then put up with a lot of $hit. At the beginning it always seems so good. And over time things start to come up and then I have a hard time to let go. I went over this with my IC. It stems from when I was younger. I was super skinny, buck teeth, blonde Afro, man I was ugly. Over time, worked out, got braces, got rid of the fro and started to get women. Very attractive women. So deep down I have insecurities and self esteem issues. I would always let the average looking woman but really good woman go, and get stuck on the very attractive women who were Paine in the butt. I know itís stupid but I get scared, I get scared that I will be alone the rest of my life. Those are my insecurities from when I was younger. Iím really trying to work on them. One of my good friends said it best, stop chasing all the hot woman and go for someone who is going to treat you like a king. Like you are the catch not them!! I hate having this insecurity!!! All I know if it doesnít work with my GF and I will take a break, a long one and work on me. I hate the bad mistakes I have made!!!

On a completely different note. I had to laugh today, so many of the ex and I mutual friends are telling me how annoyed they are with the ex. She went around and blocked more of our mutual friends on Facebook. Who has time for that and she is burning so many bridges she will have no one left. Not my problem just thought it was funny so I wanted to share. That a 40 year old woman is acting like a high school student going around blocking people on Facebook. Lol


M:41 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:12. S:9
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
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