So I have decided to change the name of my thread. Confused & Lost just doesn't resonate anymore. I'm neither confused or lost. Given time and a lot of serious reflection, I know that my WW didn't make the choices she did because of any feelings about me. Her waywardness is / was (hopefully) a direct reflection of her feelings about herself. I no longer feel lost because either way my MR turns out, I know that I'm going to be ok. I couldn't say that 6 months ago and definitely couldn't say that a year ago. Through The Storm is much more fitting not only for myself, but I think would suit many of us.
I definitely still have my guard up. WW and I have been spending time together and talking quite a bit. I don't trust it yet and I'm really trying to keep the focus on being confident in myself. She is still saying all of the right things, and her actions are matching for now. It is so nice to hear her tell me that she wants to spend the rest of our lives together making up for all of the pain. I feel heard and understood, validated even. This in no way will be an easy road for us, but I so hope that we make it to the end together.
Speaking of validation. I have been practicing this skill in many areas of my life for the past few months and it has blown my mind how much validating has improved my relationships outside of MR. My biggest weakness in my professional (and probably personal) life has been actively listening to someone when they speak to me. As a manager of several dozen people, my job is often very demanding. I constantly have to multitask and when team members need something from me, I have a bad habit of hearing them but not listening. Since practicing validation, I have grown the respect and depth of my work relationships tremendously. It makes me feel really great to know that teammates feel heard and feel important.
I hope everyone is having a great week thus far!
KG
LBW 32 - me WW 31 T 7 M 4 No Kids 4 dogs
Separated 1y Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
Speaking of validation. I have been practicing this skill in many areas of my life for the past few months and it has blown my mind how much validating has improved my relationships outside of MR. My biggest weakness in my professional (and probably personal) life has been actively listening to someone when they speak to me. As a manager of several dozen people, my job is often very demanding. I constantly have to multitask and when team members need something from me, I have a bad habit of hearing them but not listening. Since practicing validation, I have grown the respect and depth of my work relationships tremendously. It makes me feel really great to know that teammates feel heard and feel important.
PURE GOLD
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Really happy for you and agree with Steve-- pure gold. It is funny-- I was just thinking last night that I'd always taken my professional relationships seriously and intentionally, I never applied any of that to my personal relationships, especially my H.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I’m completely on board with this! The workplace is a great laboratory to practice skills - validation, listening, assertiveness. There is no massive R downside if you fail, so the barrier to trying to new things is much lower.
We are officially over week 1 of no contact with AP. I haven't verified this info, but so far it seems true. WW and I have spent each night together working on a puzzle and/or watching movies. No R talks since last weekend, which is fine with me as I am still working to protect myself and not get any hopes up. This is all still very new and I am still preparing myself for a return to AP. Time + actions are needed for me to let my guard down. Still no intimacy by mutual decision and until we are both ready to take that step.
Back to the validation and practicing self growth outside of romantic relationships. May - try it! It's amazing how working on these skills can improve all types of relationships. As U said, there is no downside if you make mistakes, and you learn what works and what doesn't in a much less stressful situation. Next on my "to do" list is to practice assertiveness. This is another area that has always been a weak point for me. I'm much improved from how I used to be (I believe the term is... "doormat" HA!). BUT, I still have a long way to travel in order to be confident in expressing my opinions when tough topics arise. In fact, I'm going to be practicing this skill quite a bit over the next week. I am doing performance evaluations and presenting peer reviews for everyone on our team individually. I have three employees that are going to have a not-so-fun meeting with me. I am mentally preparing because I cannot go into these evals soft and weak. Behaviors must change or I will have to terminate employment for these individuals - EEEK! This is soooo far outside of my comfort zone. Alas, practice for improvement in assertiveness.
I hope you are all doing well this week and I will touch base on your threads soon. I have been reading some this week, but haven't found the time to respond as much, but I definitely will!
KG
LBW 32 - me WW 31 T 7 M 4 No Kids 4 dogs
Separated 1y Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
There are great resources and books about assertiveness out there. Just like listening and validation, at first it may feel like reading scripts robotically. Over time, it just comes naturally.
Just like detachment, I think there is "loving assertiveness" (ha!). It's really hard having those performance reviews at work, I've been there. It can feel like a really negative thing, giving someone a warning, but really what you are doing is giving them honest feedback so they can hopefully improve and have opportunities for professional growth. It is a kind gesture (although they may not receive it as such!).
Thanks Blu! I am reading through it and have a lot of questions. I am still not considering us "piecing" and more in the process of reconciliation at the moment. The quote from Jack3Beans and Cadet really resonates with me. When both parties are committed, or say they are, give it a few weeks or months to see if it's true. THIS is where I'm at. It has been so great spending the last couple of weeks together, and friends made a comment to me that WW finally seems more like herself. I guess a big part of me is still scared this won't stick and so I'm not letting any walls down yet. One thing I don't know how to approach is transparency. While I don't believe WW is seeing AP (I have spent every night with her since the start of reconciliation), I do know that OW has been reaching out. We were in the car this weekend when her phone Bluetooth announced a new message from OW on the touchscreen. We were on the way to dinner with friends, so awkward to say the least. WW promptly turned off her Bluetooth and made a quiet comment about it not being her problem anymore. The next day she pulled open her text messages sitting beside me and my eyes caught that it was pulled up to her text thread with OW. So my gut is saying that she is pulling away from AP, but it's clear they are not completely NC. She is still very clear in telling me that she is done with AP and only wants a future with me. We'll see.
In other news, I start IC this week - woot! I am excited to get some guidance in setting more goals for self improvement. I also want to strengthen my coping mechanisms so that if I'm ever faced with another situation similar to this, I am stronger and more level headed. We all have our own journey, but I feel like I have been an emotional wreck off and on for a year of my life. I don't want anyone to be able to influence my emotional well being to that extreme ever again. Rephrase: I don't want to allow anyone to influence my emotional state to that extreme. I hope you are all doing well!
KG
Last edited by KristinG; 01/14/2006:57 PM.
LBW 32 - me WW 31 T 7 M 4 No Kids 4 dogs
Separated 1y Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
With W staying the night have you kept in mind that she has (I'm assuming) not been tested? Please please keep your health as your #1. Be willing to be careful, and be willing and brave enough to have the conversation and stand firm. This is widely under-discussed in the lesbian community, and too often swept under the rug. We can't do that to ourselves.
I'm sorry to harp on this, and you don't owe us a report on the topic. But sometimes when I look back at my own choices in life I wish I had not feared the embarrassment of the conversation.
