[/quote]My oldest some was not spying. They have Life360 which allows the family to track movements and how fast they drive etc..... I told him to not worry about where she goes and that I’m fine with it. [quote]
You don't want your kids spying on their mom and, yes, this matter is technically between you and WW and the kids don't need to Know and shouldn't know all the gory details/specifics, but I don't like your answer here.. you're "fine with it"?!? Oh hell no you're not! And I think it sends the wrong message to your son, especially since he knows exactly what is going on. Now, I'm not sure exactly what you should say here because I never had to explain my own very similar sitch to my boys, thankfully, but I did contemplate the possibility because they DID know OM, and I know for damn sure I was not gonna say I was okay with it. If they had found out and asked me, I was going to be VERY clear that I was NOT okay with it, that I wanted to keep the MR/family together, but that OM was pursuing W and I wasn't sure if W wanted to remain in the MR....and that it was not their (my boys) fault, nothing to do with them
As a man, and especially as a father of a young man, I believe you have to set the tone and have to set a good example. Do you need to rant and rave and froth at the mouth? No. But you DO need to be ready to explain and demonstrate that you do ABSOLUTELY care about the sanctity of your family,MR that you WILL try to protect your family and that you have a MAJOR problem with another man messing around with your W. Having said all that, I have to admit I am not certain what the exact right words would be in any particular situation, but I do think you owe to your son to convey that sentiment and as strong, calm, and confident a mamner as you can.
Remember that HE KNOWS!! How do you think that makes you work to say you don't care? You do need to practice detachment for yourself, but that doesn't mean saying u are "okay" with the affair. You can share your feelings with your son, but still let him see by your actions and demeanor that you are calm and grounded and in control yourself.
Last edited by hoosjim; 12/23/1911:43 PM.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Yeah, I misspoke on that one. I’ve told my son and he knows I don’t agree with what is going on. We are very close to getting a divorce. My wife had some wine tonight and we were wrapping presents for the kids.
She laid most all of it out on the line. She admits to seeing him Saturday and having sex with him, unprotected and using the pullout method. She admits that she has tried to break it off with him twice and she could only go two days without talking to him. She admits that she is not sure she wants to be with him and she just wants to be separated so she can live life without being tethered down. She admitted to when they started the physical affair back in March. She admits there is an emotional connection based on communication. She admits that she doesn’t want to be married because she is tired of lying and cheating. She even mentioned dying to escape the addiction. She admits that she can’t stop the addiction because she has tried several times.
In all of this I just told her to file if she wants to but this isn’t how I will live in a marriage. I told her it is very important for her to move out considering she still talks with him and has sex with him.
I'm no vet or expert. I have my own problems in my own sich of suspicion. But because XW knows I'm a snooper. Very secretive about whereabouts throughout my whole sich. Been there once on confirmation with a GF, suspicion on another and now XW. Pack her $hit and put it by the door. You think she wouldn't do the same if the shoe wasn't on the other foot? Watch out for false DV claims too. Make sure you record everything. At the very least take the MBR and move her stuff out the longer you wait the more respect she loses for you. That I know. Don't tell her this us how you will live. SHOW HER! Silence is golden, less is more, and actions speak louder than words.
Dude. I can't believe you just sat there and let her describe her liaison with OM in that kind of detail. Seriously, did you question her or ask her or even WANT to know or did she just spill it on you. If former...idk, but not sure idve wanted to know all that... If latter, then GTFO!!! She's got to go. Incredibly disrespectful to just out with "yeah, I went over and slept with him and we went bareback".... You can and should just cut that line of chatter off as soon as it starts. She's flaunting it, man... You gotta change something...
No way she has any respect for you dropping that BS on you, in your home, and you letting it continue with no consequences...
Does she know your son knows? She should...
And that BS about "not wanting to be with him" is just that: Bull$**t. Standard WW narrative. My ww said same thing in the depths of her affair: "Oh I don't want to be with anyone right now...I just want to be on my own to figure things out". It's BULL$HIT. They all say it and it's always code for "I want to be free from observation so I can go skank with om"
You are in beyond The last resort technique. Boot her from the MBR, lock on the door, go completely dark.
Last edited by hoosjim; 12/24/1904:10 AM.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Thanks hiosjim. I was thinking the same thing. Am I the only one here hearing: "We f@$ked 5 ways from Sunday did monkey double backflips raw dogged bareback. He pulled out...Painted a map of Hawaii... It was wonderful. BTW He's more Man than you. But Im not sure if I want to live with him yet!" Exactly GTFOOH!
She has agreed to move out. Her mother said she can move in but her father has to approve. He will not approve because he has told her she can’t live there and be involved with the OM. I wish he would let her just move in with them.
Her honesty was pretty raw and yes in a way a form of arrogance on her part. She admits she can’t break it off. I have already moved everything out of the MBR. I’ve even encouraged her to move in with the OM. She said she would never do that because of our son.
I’ll be honest with you guys I don’t see any other choice but divorce. At least I can get some of my respect, self-worth, and self-esteem back. I’ve already come to the conclusion that she will never stop until she can live with this guy and spend her time with him.
Losing her son may help bring some clarity but I’m not sure. Guys I’m really ready to file for divorce. Her honesty had a sense of arrogance and entitlement to it. Very humiliating and unbelievably raw. How can someone say those things and be saved or want to save her marriage. She even admits that it is him and her against the world or in her words they are criminals together.
She has agreed to move out. Her mother said she can move in but her father has to approve. He will not approve because he has told her she can’t live there and be involved with the OM. I wish he would let her just move in with them.
Her honesty was pretty raw and yes in a way a form of arrogance on her part. She admits she can’t break it off. I have already moved everything out of the MBR. I’ve even encouraged her to move in with the OM. She said she would never do that because of our son.
I’ll be honest with you guys I don’t see any other choice but divorce. At least I can get some of my respect, self-worth, and self-esteem back. I’ve already come to the conclusion that she will never stop until she can live with this guy and spend her time with him.
Losing her son may help bring some clarity but I’m not sure. Guys I’m really ready to file for divorce. Her honesty had a sense of arrogance and entitlement to it. Very humiliating and unbelievably raw. How can someone say those things and be saved or want to save her marriage. She even admits that it is him and her against the world or in her words they are criminals together.
She has no desire to save the marriage. She's in complete 100% limerence with this guy and isn't going to realize it until it wears off/she hits rock bottom/he dumps her. My wife and your wife are in the exact same boat. [censored] for our children the most. Unfortunately by the time she does realize what a dumbass she is, you'll have moved on long before.
In a previous post she admitted she doesn't really know if she wants to be with him, but also that she doesn't want to be in the marriage either. Been there and heard that. I hear a lot on these forums of people talking about the LBH being plan B. It really [censored] not even being plan A or B doesn't it?
The freeing part of life comes when you don't give a flying ^#%#. My life is just fine without her in it, if she doesn't want to be a part of it.. Well %#%$ her. I'll enjoy myself and maybe find someone down the line that does want to be a part of it, if not, I'll be a damn fine father and man living his best life in the meantime.
I’ll be honest with you guys I don’t see any other choice but divorce. At least I can get some of my respect, self-worth, and self-esteem back. I’ve already come to the conclusion that she will never stop until she can live with this guy and spend her time with him.
Divorce will not do anything on its own for your emotional wellbeing.
Originally Posted by bballer1
Losing her son may help bring some clarity but I’m not sure. Guys I’m really ready to file for divorce. Her honesty had a sense of arrogance and entitlement to it. Very humiliating and unbelievably raw. How can someone say those things and be saved or want to save her marriage. She even admits that it is him and her against the world or in her words they are criminals together.
It will not bring clarity to her. You have to have the fact that she's an addict allways in your sight.
Don't be her shoulder to cry on. You cannot allow yourself to be disrespected in such a manner. Next time the convo turns in this direction, just walk out. There is no doubt that your W is hurting, but not in a way a husband could or should help her. Let her be, she will do what she wil ldo, she is lost to you and the world ATM. I am a vet. My situation is eerily similar to your. I predicted everything in your case, just by replaying my memories from 4-5 yrs ago. The similarities are astounding. This is why they call it script.
b-baller if there's anything that I've learned in the last year whether they are walk away or Wayward or quasi wayward. There are going to be different perceptions and different narratives for different reasons. It sounds like your W has a lot of resentment built up. I know it can be tough not to backhand yourself for the things that you do want to change and are guilty of, and how other things can be downright false accusatory, gaslighting and blame-shifting. But please remember that another person's improper rebellious actions shouldn't have any bearing on your self-worth try not to be too hard on yourself. Two wrongs don't make a right and poor decisions have consequences. Vapo is right you are dealing with an emotional and physical addict. people who Harbor resentments do so for a lot of different reasons. Either they don't feel safe and being vulnerable in communicating with you, or they are fed up and rebellious towards you and then want to keep everything a secret such as in your case. Sometimes it's caused by poor influences to such as friends or family.
You don't have to divorce just yet you should giveYou don't have to divorce just yet you should give them time and space as well as yourself time and space for self-discovery and growth. Maybe there might be remorse and repentance in the future maybe there won't be? It just depends on a person's will and circumstance. but yes let your actions speak much louder than words I would go no contact with her right away. Email Communications only do not answer texts or phone calls unless it's an emergency they will find a way to get in contact with you if it is. Get her out of the house and pack her Don't let the crocodile tears of the excuses of her parents and her father's decision dissuade you from doing so. He sounds like a good man that's on the moral High Ground. Consult a few lawyers and cancel all joint credit cards in yours in your W's name right away. She has broken the marriage contract. So there must be consequences for her actions there's no amount of justification for it. Secure yourself financially and legally as well as spiritually and emotionally and be there for your family and protect them. I know that I'm a hard-nosed person but when wrongful actions have been taken I emphasize that silence speaks volumes get comfortable with it
