Am I the only spouse who literally feels like her H is just gone, almost like death? He is so cold and distant and it happened almost overnight. I had to grieve that loss of the person I knew because he is "gone" and will likely never come back again. Wow.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
I feel the same way about mine—one day, he was the man I’d known and loved for my entire adult life, my best friend, and the next, he had seemingly no interest in talking to me again, as if it was/is no big deal to essentially cut me out of his life. It’s taken me months to begin to accept this new version of him. Begin to. It’s scary and sad some days how numb I feel toward him because of the wall he’s put up between us. It’s a challenge to not buy completely into his vision of our M and to remind myself there was love; I’m not making the last 16 years up to make myself feel better.
In some ways, grieving a death would feel more natural, concrete, permanent. This is a weird kind of grief, one that I don’t think people understand unless they’ve experienced it. Sending hugs.
I feel the same way about mine—one day, he was the man I’d known and loved for my entire adult life, my best friend, and the next, he had seemingly no interest in talking to me again, as if it was/is no big deal to essentially cut me out of his life. It’s taken me months to begin to accept this new version of him. Begin to. It’s scary and sad some days how numb I feel toward him because of the wall he’s put up between us. It’s a challenge to not buy completely into his vision of our M and to remind myself there was love; I’m not making the last 16 years up to make myself feel better.
In some ways, grieving a death would feel more natural, concrete, permanent. This is a weird kind of grief, one that I don’t think people understand unless they’ve experienced it. Sending hugs.
Yes, it is miraculous how quick they are able to cut spouses out of their lives. It is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. And you are so right...it is very difficult not to believe their version of the M and to believe the whole marriage was a lie and perhaps they never felt true love.
Last edited by HesAble; 12/19/1905:48 PM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Am I the only spouse who literally feels like her H is just gone, almost like death? He is so cold and distant and it happened almost overnight. I had to grieve that loss of the person I knew because he is "gone" and will likely never come back again. Wow.
No it's very common to feel this way. I know I did. Some people describe it as being like the old movie Invasion of the Body Snatchers. It still looks like your spouse, but it's like aliens came along and planted another person inside their skin.
As for whether he will come back again, he very well might. They sometimes will come out of the fog and go right back to being their old self. My XW wasn't one of them, but even she has gone partway back. Maybe now about 50% the person I was married to and 50% a stranger as opposed to 95/5 after BD. And it's taken all these years for her to come back that far.
No it's very common to feel this way. I know I did. Some people describe it as being like the old movie Invasion of the Body Snatchers. It still looks like your spouse, but it's like aliens came along and planted another person inside their skin.
As for whether he will come back again, he very well might. They sometimes will come out of the fog and go right back to being their old self. My XW wasn't one of them, but even she has gone partway back. Maybe now about 50% the person I was married to and 50% a stranger as opposed to 95/5 after BD. And it's taken all these years for her to come back that far.
Those of you who have been strong enough to stand for years amaze me! Perhaps I will gain that type of strength over time but, right now, just 1 month post-BD, I just want to run away and never see this "alien" again. Unfortunately, we have 2 children so I will have to deal with him, whether he snaps back into reality or not, for the rest of my life perhaps. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Am I the only spouse who literally feels like her H is just gone, almost like death? He is so cold and distant and it happened almost overnight. I had to grieve that loss of the person I knew because he is "gone" and will likely never come back again. Wow.
Nope. Same story for me.. My W and I were perfectly fine and then within just a few days she was completely cold, distant, and gone emotionally within a few weeks gone physically. I used to say it would be easier if she had just died because it would be concrete and closure would be easier. It's been 4 months since BD for me and 3 months since she moved out and I will tell you that it gets a wholllllleeee lot easier. My W has made it easy on me though because we no longer see each other or speak under any circumstances, she isn't playing with my emotions with any breadcrumbs or anything. We see each other at rare events like my S4's dental surgery appointment and I assume she will be at his Christmas program tomorrow, but we just treat each other like strangers.
She is actually living with OM now though, and my S4 is on the weeks she has him as well. We pass him back and forth every Monday at daycare so we don't have to see each other. The best thing now is that she no longer has any opportunities to treat me like I'm the dog crap under her shoe. The first few months of trying to sort out divorce/kid logistics were terrible because she treated me like I was the lowest of the low while SHE was the one that was cheating on me.. It's a strange phenomenon.
Yes, it seems like the light switch flipped in a second and then the person you knew has become the exact opposite (mirror image) of the one you actually knew. It truly didn't happen over night. It was a very, very gradual move towards the light switch being flipped. If you can go back to approximately 18-24 months ago, something began the journey for him. Things began to change in a very subtle way, i.e., so subtle you probably didn't pay much attention to the changes or you chalked them up to a bad day or something else.
The one day, the pod person completely takes over and then the acting out and bad behavior, the MLC lingo begins and then they are gone. Some will eventually wake up and want to return, others will wake up, but also continue some of those traits that they picked up along the way and others will leave completely and be angry and bitter old people in the years to come and....then you have some that continue to be pod people living in their own littles worlds (that is what my xh is doing these days). Unfortunately, they don't snap back into normal mode. It will take months, even years, before they will begin the gradual descent back into the real world and that will be approximately 18-24 months and will happen in the exact opposite way that they left this world.
While he's gone, you, as the mature, sane adult are left dealing w/day to day life. No expectations because they will not always follow through and you will get angry, disgusted and disappointed. While they are gone, come up w/a Plan B, i.e., a back up plan for helping you out as you can't rely on your spouse.
Dig deeper for patience, come here to vent and we will try to help you navigate your walk on the yellow brick road.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Nope. Same story for me.. My W and I were perfectly fine and then within just a few days she was completely cold, distant, and gone emotionally within a few weeks gone physically. I used to say it would be easier if she had just died because it would be concrete and closure would be easier. It's been 4 months since BD for me and 3 months since she moved out and I will tell you that it gets a wholllllleeee lot easier. My W has made it easy on me though because we no longer see each other or speak under any circumstances, she isn't playing with my emotions with any breadcrumbs or anything. We see each other at rare events like my S4's dental surgery appointment and I assume she will be at his Christmas program tomorrow, but we just treat each other like strangers.
It is the fact that H is treating me like a total stranger (although we still stay in the same house) that is killing me!!! I am relieved that he atleast treats the kids the same, although he has neglected some of his responsibilities to them (e.g., school dropoffs, etc.). This makes me wonder though how he is able to compartmentalize the kids v. me. I am the "problem," in his eyes, I guess.
Also, I am not even sure how much to tell our families during the holidays because he is not "participating". I don't want to lie, but I also don't want to reveal all that is truly going on just in case - the rare case - he bounces back in 2020 and changes his mind about wanting a divorce, staying out all hours of the night, etc. (Not likely but a gal can dream, can't I?)
Last edited by HesAble; 12/19/1906:49 PM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Also, I am not even sure how much to tell our families during the holidays because he is not "participating". I don't want to lie, but I also don't want to reveal all that is truly going on just in case - the rare case - he bounces back in 2020 and changes his mind about wanting a divorce, staying out all hours of the night, etc. (Not likely but a gal can dream, can't I?)
I'm going to give you a spoiler on the DB'ing process. For some this comes sooner than it comes for others, but when you first being DB'ing you have in the back of your mind that you're doing these things to focus on yourself and become the best person you can be to lead your WAS back home. The whole lighthouse and keeping the road home smooth analogy.
What eventually happens though is you will find yourself and the person you truly want to be and you will discover that you don't really want your WAS back much anymore. For me it has taken a few months but I'm to the point that I am like.. if someone can treat me this terribly and walk completely out of my life like it means nothing to them, then 1) they're much more likely to do it in the future and 2) I don't deserve to have someone treat me like this... There are so many other great people in the world that would never treat us this way.
My H was like that at first. Distant, cold, angry. I could feel the resentment coming off him in waves every time we were in the same room. Rewrote our M history. Lashed out at just about everyone around him. The peak of this was right around BD1 (ILYB) nine months ago.
I read DR and the 7 Principles and implemented 180s, GAL, validating and listening (rather than trying to defend myself or accuse him of something back), and turning towards his bids when they did come-- very rarely at first, but more and more often. I feel like we went from negative sentiment override to positive sentiment override. We stopped fighting and now are getting along better than we have in years.
I just share this as I'm still in the same boat in terms of my H not "waking up" in wanting to work on the M, but the alien is gone. I don't know what that all means but just a different experience than some others. And part of me is weirdly envious-- it seems easier to detach and grieve the R when your H is an a**hole alien vs a nicer version of himself in nearly every way... except he can't let go of AP.
Anyway. Hang in there. Good for you in still making fun Christmas plans and not letting him ruin them.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
