My therapist also said similar things, all counter to DB rules. "Talk to W, tell her how you feel about her and the marriage, and that you want her to end her chats with OM. Tell her you want answers on where your relationship is going". My heart agreed with the counselor and a coworker who went through a similar sitch. The next relationship talk that my wife brought up, I let her know I cared, knew about OM, and knew we could work this out. She got mad, asked when I'm ready to start mediation and left. It definitely pushed her. She now takes the kids out without telling me. The long term consequence I dont know, not too much seems changed however it does feel like I undid progress if I made any. On the other end, it felt great getting it all out there one last time.
You know your spouse and sitch better than any of us. Different methods work for different people. I do believe the vets are right in that LBS in most sitchs should abide by the rules.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core: thanks for that. I am going to try to abide by the DB rules. It is one of the most difficult things I have ever done and requires extreme patience. I just want to shake my H for his disrespectful behavior (staying out all night long two and three times a week with whom I suspect is an OW when we have kids at home who need him). He says he will be here for the kids but he has already neglected a number of his regular responsibilities (e.g., taking the kids to school certain days, helping with homework at least a day or two a week).
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Speaking of him neglecting responsibilities, anyone who dealt with this, how did you bring it to the Wayward spouse's attention or did you say nothing and cope? I feel like letting him get away with neglecting his fatherly responsibilities is being a doormat. He has time to go out all night but does not have time for the kids. This is part of what annoys me most. He is making me a single mom before he even leaves .
Part of the tension in our marriage has been that he did not share the parenting responsibilities enough. He steps in occasionally when he feels like it. This year, remarkably, he had become the best father he has ever been but after the Bd he is going back to his old ways.
Right after the BD and before following DB rules, when I brought up the kids and them perhaps noticing his time away at night or noticing our issues, he abruptly said leave them out of our problems. My therapist says no. They are a part of us and I am making it easy for him to continue his behavior if I do not remind him about them.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
I spoke with one therapist who told me I need to let him know I am angry. She says I am making it easy for him to do what he is doing and he needs to feel some pressure. That he will just continue if I allow it. This of course is contrary to DB advice. I am so conflicted!!!
I do not believe this is contrary to MWD advise. It has been a long time since I read the books, I should go re-read them.
One of MWD topics was "Ask for what you want".
I do not think pressure is what the other spouse needs to feel. I think they need to feel fear of loss and actual loss. Most posters do not set good boundaries and do not enforce them. Most posters let fear control them.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Those of you who have been successful in instilling fear of loss, please give me pointers. H is so irrational now that I am not sure he will even react to anything. I think he wants to go. Even bringing up the effect this will have on the children has not helped. His parents divorced when he was a young adult.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
I am going to suggest that you and your kids start doing things outside of the home, especially now that the holiday season is upon us. I would plan activities and then ask if he would like to tag along. If he says no, then go on and do those fun things and leave him home to mull over his mess. If he says yes, then go and have a good time.
You have to learn how to phrase your requests. You need to give him the option of doing something or not. The more you point the finger at him, the more he's going to the exact opposite. He will then look at you as his "mother figure" and not his wife/equal partner.
Trust me, the more you and the kids do things on your own and leave him alone, the more curious he will become and then he just may opt to start doing things again, especially w/the children. Try to remember, the more you push, the harder he is going to pull back from you and your family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Those of you who have been successful in instilling fear of loss, please give me pointers. H is so irrational now that I am not sure he will even react to anything. I think he wants to go. Even bringing up the effect this will have on the children has not helped. His parents divorced when he was a young adult.
I don’t think you’re being a doormat. And you are a single mom. It seems that patience is an issue at this time, but I think that’s what is needed. You have a really sh!tty roommate right now, I think that’s how you should think of him and treat him. For now, who cares if he’s out all night. Be a great mom, invest in some babysitters and go do stuff you want to do.
I know it’s hard. But you’ve obviously got this. I’m finding that detaching is getting easier. I’m not sure why. I did read the All Or Nothing marriage which might have helped. I also reread the section on the stages of marriage in the DR and found that helpful.
Bottom line, he’s a crummy roommate. Expect nothing from him. Give it 30 days and then think through your next action. That’s my thought. I really liked R2C’s post above. Solid thoughts.
Last edited by job; 12/13/1908:59 PM. Reason: edited language
Those of you who have been successful in instilling fear of loss, please give me pointers. H is so irrational now that I am not sure he will even react to anything. I think he wants to go. Even bringing up the effect this will have on the children has not helped. His parents divorced when he was a young adult.
The only way this is successful it to NOT do something to instill fear in him. IE, you really start to move on. If you do really move on he will start to feel that and it COULD.....key word.....COULD instill him with a fear of loss. Or he may be so far gone he doesn't care if he loses you.
Either way, whether it scares him or whether it doesn't, moving on is the right move. After all, when you really think about, what other choice do you really have??
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
