...But I continue to DB. Newcomers this is something I firmly believe in. That the minute you stop GAL...180ing....being healthily self-differentiated is the minute you start heading towards another BD. So those of you that are Ring and piecing, never stop DBing!!
Thanks for sharing this nugget of wisdom. Committing now to a lifetime of working on MYSELF, even if this M ends and I need to move on to a new relationship! I lost myself completely in parenting and the hustle and bustle of life, but I will not let that happen again. I am trying to get back to the person I was before marriage. I told my DS the other day that I actually used to be a fun-loving, bubbly person who smiled and laughed a LOT; it is hard to believe that now but I am changing that to get back to that person. I miss her and want her back even more than I want H back.
Last edited by HesAble; 01/24/2003:50 PM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
...But I continue to DB. Newcomers this is something I firmly believe in. That the minute you stop GAL...180ing....being healthily self-differentiated is the minute you start heading towards another BD. So those of you that are Ring and piecing, never stop DBing!!
Thanks for sharing this nugget of wisdom. Committing now to a lifetime of working on MYSELF, even if this M ends and I need to move on to a new relationship! I lost myself completely in parenting and the hustle and bustle of life, but I will not let that happen again. I am trying to get back to the person I was before marriage. I told my DS the other day that I actually used to be a fun-loving, bubbly person who smiled a lot; it is hard to believe that now but I am changing that to get back to that person. I miss her and want her back even more than I want H back.
Yes! I love this! The true you was there once, she is still there you just need to find her.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hey guys. Quick update. Things are going well. We've been able to do some things and get some things that we'd been holding off on while the previous house was on the market. Things are going very well, D16 even brought home her best report card ever for the 1st semester!
But recently I've been having some regrets. I love our new house, love living where we are living, and love the property we have. It is all awesome. I have my home gym setup in the basement, I've been working out and I love the convenience. I couldn't be happier with where we are living.
But some regrets have been needling the back of my head. Wondering if fighting so hard for the MR was the right thing to do. I keep going back to when I started to get really get good at DBing and started getting excited about the prospect of a new life, and the worlds and opportunities that would have opened up to me. This isn't as bad as the feeling I had of wanting to end things a year ago this past December, just more of a thought I keep having in the back of my head as I see other LBSs holding on so tight for dear life in their situations.
Any other LBSs that have successfully turned their sitches around go through that? Hoos?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I obviously don’t know because I didn’t reconcile but I am guessing that it’s common. I would imagine there is pressure to be on all the time and that you can’t let your guard down for a second or It will happen again. You know how feelings are they come and go so I’m sure this will pass.
I keep going back to when I started to get really get good at DBing and started getting excited about the prospect of a new life, and the worlds and opportunities that would have opened up to me.
I believe there are certain limits that are good for a marriage. One the other hand, I believe you can create excitement and new experiences with your wife. Lead her to the excitement you want.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Yeah, i posted on this a while back. Something to the effect of "it sucked but in some ways i never felt more alive." I also still get little twinges of "hmmmm, what if" WRT other women who give me attention, but that's all it is. I think it's natural. Just as it's natural to still have twinges of resentment and anger. It's a process.
Dont get me wrong i wouldn't trade my current R with my W for anything... a whole, intact, loving family has been, just, well, better than it ever was before. It's even rubbed off on our boys. Our relationship with them and theirs with each other has even gotten better in the wake of our reconcilliation. I think the true challenge is to keep things fresh... not just with your W and your MR, but with yourself in all aspects of your life. Dont get stagnant, but constantly stretch to do things outside of your comfort zone...Take joy in your new discoveries.. and above all remember how strongly you leaned on your faith and your God during your darkest times. Don't stop leaning on him just because things seem better now.
Hope this helps
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
I obviously don’t know because I didn’t reconcile but I am guessing that it’s common. I would imagine there is pressure to be on all the time and that you can’t let your guard down for a second or It will happen again. You know how feelings are they come and go so I’m sure this will pass.
Just keep moving forward.
Thanks LH, always good to hear it even if I already know it. In the past I would let these kinds of feelings start activating my NGS. Luckily now I keep them in check. Mainly because I am in a healthier place. I still GAL. I still look to self-improve. And I still believe in self-differentiation.....she is not the master of my happiness, nor am I hers!
One example I thought of last night. Her and D have been sick and my D has been wanting them both to sleep in the livingroom. Last night I was exhausted (work has been really hectic lately) and I also got my lifting in, so by 10 I was wiped. I went in and got in bed. She came by later and asked "Are you in bed for the night?" I said "Yeah I am" with no anger or frustration in my voice. The old Steve would have snapped at her like: "I am laying here in the dark, in the bed, no I am just resting my eyes!" Though I wouldn't have said all that, the attitude would have been clear in my curt "Yes!". So much better today than 2 years ago.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by Steve85
I keep going back to when I started to get really get good at DBing and started getting excited about the prospect of a new life, and the worlds and opportunities that would have opened up to me.
I believe there are certain limits that are good for a marriage. One the other hand, I believe you can create excitement and new experiences with your wife. Lead her to the excitement you want.
Yes, I do need to start looking into that. Date night will become a regular occurrence again now that the old house is sold. I got her a couple of "spicy" things for V-day too. Haven't had a go with them yet since she's been sick, but this is a great suggestion that I need to double-down on.
Originally Posted by hoosjim
Yeah, i posted on this a while back. Something to the effect of "it sucked but in some ways i never felt more alive." I also still get little twinges of "hmmmm, what if" WRT other women who give me attention, but that's all it is. I think it's natural. Just as it's natural to still have twinges of resentment and anger. It's a process.
Dont get me wrong i wouldn't trade my current R with my W for anything... a whole, intact, loving family has been, just, well, better than it ever was before. It's even rubbed off on our boys. Our relationship with them and theirs with each other has even gotten better in the wake of our reconcilliation. I think the true challenge is to keep things fresh... not just with your W and your MR, but with yourself in all aspects of your life. Dont get stagnant, but constantly stretch to do things outside of your comfort zone...Take joy in your new discoveries.. and above all remember how strongly you leaned on your faith and your God during your darkest times. Don't stop leaning on him just because things seem better now.
Hope this helps
Thanks hoos! Glad to know it isn't just me. I think there is a part of most guys that feel like being single again would be a blast. Now that financially we are in a very good place again, I feel like that yearning is just bursting at the seams. But I do love your idea to turn back to faith and God. Always such a great thing and a good reminder to hear. Thank you for that.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, I really appreciate how open and honest you are about how difficult piecing is. I wish everyone that is DB'ing would take the time to read all your threads so they can have realistic expectations if they ever get a chance to recon. Once you've been BD'd there's just no easy path back whether you recon or not.
Originally Posted by Steve85
I keep going back to when I started to get really get good at DBing and started getting excited about the prospect of a new life, and the worlds and opportunities that would have opened up to me.
Well from the perspective of someone who GAL'd like a crazy person and did not recon, I've made the most of it and yes, I have had a LOT of fun post-D. It's been really great, I'm not going to lie, LOL! At first I kept saying that given a choice to go back that I would still choose marriage (if I had the choice, which I didn't). But now? I don't think that anymore. I'm not "glad" it happened, it was a horrible thing to go through. But I would not rewind the clock and save my M if given the choice now. My life is what it is, and I accept and even embrace it. It's not perfect, but it's mine. My M was a beautiful chapter in my life. Now I'm living in a different chapter.
Now contrast that with my brother who has been divorced a good 10 years, never dated again, carries almost 100k in CC debt and is just miserable and blames it all on his long-gone XW.
So what is my point, it's that whether you recon or not isn't the issue, the issue is what you do with your life. And that is strictly up to you. You can recon and make that the best, most beautiful outcome possible. Or you can live with constant regret. I think you lean more towards the former than the latter, but certainly I have seen people do the opposite and make themselves miserable. Same goes for if you don't recon, you can make that wonderful or miserable. It's all about your own personal grit and determination.
Move forward with no regrets and with full commitment to make it the best life possible for yourself and for others. That's the true meaning of agape love.
Thanks so much Steve! For sharing and for staying committed! Rly inspirational!
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
