To go along with AS, I also want to use my usual car analogy:
When you own a car, if you do the routine maintenance, then the car will hum along and perform as you expect it to. If you ignore the routine maintenance, you may get a warning light (see scenario #1), that will remind you "hey, vehicle ownership (like marriage) requires routine maintenance." So that would be an appropriate time to do the maintenance. However, if you blow the engine or have another major breakdown (ie scenario 2), the routine maintenance is no longer going to keep the vehicle running.
So, you see, being warm and loving would have worked at some point before BD, but now your engine is blown. And changing the oil isn't going to fix it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Small update: probably wasn't the wisest move, but Monday night I had debated after my IC session, and did email H saying that "I'd love to get belated bday drinks with you. If not I understand, I want to give you whatever space you need." I didn't expect a reply, but got one Tuesday morning. He replied with "I will see what my schedule looks like. I have [work] this weekend so will prob be in [our town]" but then says he isn't sure because he pulled his back (which means he'd stay where he is 4 hours away if it isn't better). Before I could answer this email, he also texted me asking if I wanted to watch the dogs if he comes in town this weekend. I later in the day replied only via email: "Sorry to hear that - it sounds painful. Hope your back feels better! If you come, I'd love to hang out together and the dogs are always welcome. If not, I can meet you wherever works." I don't anticipate hearing anything about this until tomorrow, and am not going to follow up/hound him about it. Even with this, I need to let go of whatever expectations I do have (because they admittedly are there).
I am having a hard time just focusing on the present, and not being sad about not having more or wanting more. Yesterday I was markedly better at it, but overall, it's been difficult. My IC did say he is proud/impressed with how I have been, but still.
H texted me saying Hello! I am on my way in town, do you want the dogs tonight or do you need some time without them? This hurt me more than it should have b/c I feel he's been more focused on the dogs than on if we can get bday drinks. Also, I didn't realize he was coming in town yesterday and had looked forward going to running group alone, and he is a big part of that too.
Me: 'I am going to [running group]' H: OK. Is it OK if I drop the dogs off at the house while I go to my office and get them on my way out? I am still debating [running group] because my back still hurts." Me: of course you can drop the dogs at the house. I am sorry your back still hurts - understandable to be wary of running, that may be too much."
About 15 mins after this, I get a notification from my wifi camera. I've gotten this since he has left (really to watch my cats and see who is taking down xmas stockings) so he doesn't know it's set up, but it is in the open/obvious. He comes into the house with the dogs, and then spends a while opening and reading all the bday cards I have magnet-ed to the fridge. Nothing private in them - in fact, several mention knowing I am having a hard time, and none of them are from men or anything. He then leaves and I can tell notices the camera on the way out
When I am on the way home from work, I see his is picking up the dogs and proceeds to change clothes in front of the camera in the living room (not running clothes, so I feel relieved). I can see he is on his way out, so I call. We are always jovial/upbeat on the phone. He says he was at the house and was picking up the dogs and asked where I was. I said I was a few blocks away. He suggests that he wait on me and that we can go to running group together - he says he is only going to the bar we meet up at beforehand, but not staying because he has been up all day. I said yes, that'd be great, thank you. I come home, change, we have nice small talk, he mentions seeing the camera. We had always talked about getting one, so it's not odd that I did. We leave, he starts going on about his new car. We are catching up, and I -stupidly- decide the mood is light enough to bring up bday drinks. I said do you think you'll be able to get drinks while you're here? He then goes on and on about his work schedule over the weekend and I said I understand. I said it's totally OK if he doesn't want to, I know he needs space, and it's OK to just tell me no. He said that's not it. He then asks when our next counseling appt is (the 12th - next time he will be back in town after this weekend). He said that he would let me know soon.
I acted fine but inside felt totally defeated. He did this same runaround when the MC asked if we would go on a date. I always calmly say it's OK to not want to do something, and he always says 'that's not it.' With the date, he eventually said "I am not opposed to going on a date with you, but I am not ready." Which, I appreciated. I am not going to bring this or any other thing up again. I know I shouldn't because even though I try to make it as least pressure as possible, it is pursuit. And it hurts to be rejected by H.
We get to running group, and stayed together while people came up, acting normal, etc. We are normally fairly detached at these things, so it's not weird if we aren't all over each other. I still wear my ring, he does not. The rest of the time he is there is fine, and we say goodbye. I had a nice night with my friends but definitely had bouts of sadness and defeat. Saw some people that I love a lot, and got some great hugs and talks from them.
This morning he came by and dropped the dogs off. Again, nice normal interaction. I was kinda sleepy and almost tried to cuddle hug him but caught myself, thankfully.
It never works after a BD, but we all try it. I think even after hearing it's wrong we all still have to do it and learn our lessons the hard way. Don't beat yourself up, just keep moving forward! Remember this simple rule when it comes to WAS's:
H did tell me yesterday he is going to be late (again) paying for his part of the phone bill, and the internet, which is the only utility in his name at our house. But, he shows up with a new car, and new clothes....I can cover it and he knows it, but I am tired of his unilateral decisions affecting me, too. I think I may bring this up in MC because I do feel taken advantage of in regards to him knowing I am financially secure on my own.
H texted yesterday saying he is staying in town until our MC appointment and asked a million questions about the dogs, but said nothing about hanging out or seeing me. This is frustrating. I did end up telling him about the phone bill via text since he will have time to do whatever he needs to do tomorrow. I got some sob story (again) about money, before I said this. I said that his financial decisions are his choice, and no one made those choices but him, and that he also made choices for me financially by leaving, and that I am not willing to continue to pay his bills during this time. He said OK and I am taking his phone off of my bill today. He has a work phone, so not supremely detrimental to him.
I have spent all weekend angry instead of sad and haven't cried anymore. I am nervous about being angry about this because I don't want to say something I regret, but also stuff is definitely stewing. I have IC tonight. One of H's bosses is one of my close friends (this is how we met and he's actually who married us). He's in a strange position in all of this, but I do know he spoke to H yesterday about how everyone (including a bunch of people at work) is in limbo and how he needs to decide something, even if it is him being 100% sure that he isn't sure what he wants. I don't know how fruitful this conversation was. H did mention MC twice yesterday in our convo re the dogs.
This morning I did text saying I wasn't certain about going to MC right now, as I don't feel he cares about what I have to say/my feelings, and that his actions (or lackthereof) have spoken more than anything he can say in counseling, but I did say I am still willing to go and that I do have things to say and want to listen to him, too. I am frustrated at myself because every time I have texted him yesterday and this morning I have regretted it. Fortunately I will be busy at work for the next 3 days with a big meeting, and have IC tonight.
How patient should I be? Part of me wants to ask for the house key back, since he doesn't live nor stay here, and also want him to move the rest of his stuff out if he's so done. When I felt this way last week, I would be overcome with the want to work it out, but now I just feel mad/impatient and have felt that way for a few days. I am trying to remember the stuff we talked about to be more patient, but I really feel taken advantage of. Not that he cares about my feelings in this anyhow.
You're building up the bday drinks and hanging out to a level where it shouldn't be right now. You're in a tough martial situation, so I think you should drop the expectations and not let this get to you.
In regards to H's boss, I would not confide in him. He is in awkward position. If he asks, keep things rather generic.
Let your H be the one to bring up MC. I don't like the text about you not being certain. Be decisive. It sounds like you want to work on your marriage. If your H wants the same things then go to MC. Your H can probably tell you how there were times the he felt like you didn't care about his feelings and that your actions spoke for themselves.
If you love him, patience is required, especially right now. I would slow down on most of the things you're worried about and just try to realize what is important.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
H texted yesterday saying he is staying in town until our MC appointment and asked a million questions about the dogs, but said nothing about hanging out or seeing me.
I know this is hard to accept, but he doesn't want to hang out with you or see you. That's your reality right now. He may very well want to down the road, but for now he doesn't. And you have got to accept it and respect it. Leave him alone, that's what he wants.
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This is frustrating. I did end up telling him about the phone bill via text since he will have time to do whatever he needs to do tomorrow. I got some sob story (again) about money, before I said this. I said that his financial decisions are his choice, and no one made those choices but him, and that he also made choices for me financially by leaving, and that I am not willing to continue to pay his bills during this time. He said OK and I am taking his phone off of my bill today. He has a work phone, so not supremely detrimental to him.
GOOD. You should give him no quarter on this. He shows up with a new car and new clothes and then lays a sob story on you about how he can't afford a joint bill? No, that shouldn't fly with you.
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One of H's bosses is one of my close friends (this is how we met and he's actually who married us). He's in a strange position in all of this, but I do know he spoke to H yesterday about how everyone (including a bunch of people at work) is in limbo and how he needs to decide something, even if it is him being 100% sure that he isn't sure what he wants.
Like Ovr said, don't talk to him about the R. Don't talk to ANY mutual friends/ family about it. If he asks then just say you're taking time to yourself to decide what you want and leave it at that.
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This morning I did text saying I wasn't certain about going to MC right now, as I don't feel he cares about what I have to say/my feelings, and that his actions (or lackthereof) have spoken more than anything he can say in counseling, but I did say I am still willing to go and that I do have things to say and want to listen to him, too.
He will probably feel like you are attacking him with comments like that. Make it about you and not him. "I don't feel we should be going to MC right now." Then if he asks why, "I feel like I need some time and space to sort things out, and the MC isn't helping me with this."
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I am frustrated at myself because every time I have texted him yesterday and this morning I have regretted it.
I'm like that as well, I find myself pounding out a reply and sending it when I should be taking some time to think about it. Something I tried that helped was turning off text notifications for XW after BD. So if she sent something I didn't know until I bothered to check later. I would only check when I was calm, and that allowed me to respond with a cooler head.
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How patient should I be? Part of me wants to ask for the house key back, since he doesn't live nor stay here, and also want him to move the rest of his stuff out if he's so done.
In my opinion those are two unrelated things. You can be patient with him while also asking for the key back and for him to get his stuff. Your potential recon is months or maybe years away, so you can be patient about that while also taking action to insulate yourself from him.
