I have room for your stuff

[AndrewP]

Andrew,

This is a preemptive, and slightly piratesque post. I just wanted to respond to your next post before it’s actually posted.

First, you’re a carousing scallywag and a filthy wretch. Second, you keep your son locked up in chambers all day so that all he can do is draw stick figures with large genitalia. That’s just weird. Third, you get a little taste of booty and then you just want more and more, so much so that you can’t say the word “no” to the keeper of the booty. Forth, you like poutine. What more needs to be said?

'Morning doodler!

Oh - I noticed that Trader Joe's has a Turkey and Stuffing potato chip. And you think our poutine is weird??

[doodler]

Oh - I noticed that Trader Joe's has a Turkey and Stuffing potato chip. And you think our poutine is weird??

Trader Joe's is owned by a German family. Originally they wanted a pickled herring and sauerkraut flavored potato chip, but settled for the turkey and stuffing instead.

And that kind of sums things up for Americans who want to travel overseas; it seems like everyone is a foreigner and they speak funky languages and eat weird food. When we go to Tonga, by golly, we should be able to get a cheese burger and fries. What gives?

[doodler]

My ex was very controlling. I couldn't break wind without prior permission and if I did I was made to feel guilty about it. I don't want to end up in a situation like that again. I don't get that same sort of vibe out of S. With B I was constantly checking in / out. She'd want to know when I got to work, when I left, where I was going, who I was with. My ex also needed to know pretty much down to the minute where I was. I do know that after her affair started that it was helpful for her in scheduling her extra-curricular activities. With S we usually text a good morning around lunch and a good night before I go to bed. We have vague knowledge of each other's movements.

Andrew,

There's lots of reflection and contemplation in your last post. That's a good thing. I'm glad that you seem to be slowing down and thinking through things.

In my opinion, even if B didn't have a lot of negative extenuating circumstances (i.e. her personal life), she wasn't a very good match for you. Everything was forced. I think S is more compatible with you. I think you and S have more in common, but the fact that she's still married, has been married three times, and has a lot of familial baggage are significant hurtles in the relationship. Take your time. If you get into a long term relationship with S you'll likely have to help with college expenses and other issues that go along with having children around. Love and relationships are wonderful, but you have to be prepared to deliver the goods when things get rough. Yes, their dad is supposed to help take care of that stuff, but things don't always go as planned. It's not a responsibility to take lightly.

By the way, you should check out the Radical Bay 8000. It's interesting. They call it a biplane rig. It's similar to the home built cat that you mentioned a while ago.

Unrestrained broken wind is a wonderful thing, no?

[Ginger1]

It almost seems as if you saying you like “belonging” to her, she might have taken that too literally.

You kind of danced around what we said and you may not be choosing to address it, but do you feel you are having a hard time saying “no”? Why do you think that is? Are scared of losing her?

[AndrewP]

Third, you get a little taste of booty and then you just want more and more, so much so that you can’t say the word “no” to the keeper of the booty.

Don't all pirates want booty?

My ex was very controlling. I couldn't break wind without prior permission and if I did I was made to feel guilty about it. I don't want to end up in a situation like that again. I don't get that same sort of vibe out of S. With B I was constantly checking in / out. She'd want to know when I got to work, when I left, where I was going, who I was with. My ex also needed to know pretty much down to the minute where I was. I do know that after her affair started that it was helpful for her in scheduling her extra-curricular activities. With S we usually text a good morning around lunch and a good night before I go to bed. We have vague knowledge of each other's movements.

Andrew,

There's lots of reflection and contemplation in your last post. That's a good thing. I'm glad that you seem to be slowing down and thinking through things.

In my opinion, even if B didn't have a lot of negative extenuating circumstances (i.e. her personal life), she wasn't a very good match for you. Everything was forced. I think S is more compatible with you. I think you and S have more in common, but the fact that she's still married, has been married three times, and has a lot of familial baggage are significant hurtles in the relationship. Take your time. If you get into a long term relationship with S you'll likely have to help with college expenses and other issues that go along with having children around. Love and relationships are wonderful, but you have to be prepared to deliver the goods when things get rough. Yes, their dad is supposed to help take care of that stuff, but things don't always go as planned. It's not a responsibility to take lightly or to pretend doesn't exist.

By the way, you should check out the Radical Bay 8000. It's interesting. They call it a biplane rig. It's similar to the home built cat that you mentioned a while ago.

Unrestrained broken wind is a wonderful thing, no?

I've done some reading on the law around minor aged children and responsibilities. It is indeed possible / likely given the circumstances that I would be on the hook for some educational expenses for S12. The university that I attended had specific forms that a step-parent - which common law without adoption still counts as far as they are concerned - needs to fill out to be exempted from the income calculation. I expect that is pretty representative of the norm. The boy's natural father is a bit of a flake but has been pretty consistent in meeting and at times exceeding his obligations to his offspring. But certainly something to consider.

I looked at the Sail Magazine article on the Radical Bay and some of the issues that they mentioned brought to mind similar challenges for the old square riggers. Sailing one of those or the Radical Bay would require a lot more thought about air-flow and how to set sails than I've seen with the average sailor who just hauls in the mainsheet, tightens the boom vang and thinks that makes them go fast. If you look at a square rigger running before the wind, they will never set all the sails because of them interfering with each other. PS - if you are looking for a great "picture book" - and this is for OwnIt too if she's following along - The Young Sea Officer's Sheet Anchor is a beautifully illustrated guide to square rigs. I have the Lee Valley edition myself which doesn't seem to exist any more. I have two editions of The Manual of Seamanship for Boys and Seamen. One a reprint of the 1904 version and another an original from around 1910 or so that I found in a used bookshop quite a few years ago. Fascinating (to me) stuff.

I do highly recommend a browse through Lee Valley's classic reprint series if you are shopping for a boy who loves to tinker and read. Getting a bit close to the big day now though for online ordering I would think.

S and I had an awkward conversation over dinner last night about our separate and joint needs on being able to get stuff done for ourselves. And also about the fact that we've not been spending any time lately going on Adventures. No immediate resolution as we jointly tried to compromise and accommodate the other person. For those who suggest that her kids could be helping out more - have you ever "tried" to get a teenager to go above and beyond? LOL The kids - on both sides - are being great and do help out more than may well be the average. I think in part that S is at a state where she feels that she "finally" has some decent help and wants to make good use of it. It's a difficult situation. We are talking about it openly and navigating as best we can.

I do agree that B wasn't as good of a match for me as S is. I do still think that it could have worked, but do know that it wouldn't have worked well. There was a fascinating discussion on another thread by Ginger1 about how many guys have an expectation that a new partner will just slot themselves in to their lives seamlessly. This is undoubtedly the case for many women as well - like B who it seemed was trying to turn me in to a more acceptable version of her STBX. I know that one of my frustrations there was that she didn't fit in to my ordered and somewhat eclectic life. Lesson taken - hopefully learned. And also hopefully, nothing but good out of it for both B and I. While I know nothing about what is going on in her life, the fact that her brother-in-law seemed genuinely happy to see me on Sunday could well indicate that there are no hard feelings on that side either.

S on the other hand has been very open about the fact that one of the big things she hated about her life with her STBX was the fact that she felt very constrained in having to live as and how her husband dictated and the passive aggressive way he had of minimizing her and enforcing his vision of the home. Again - something to be very cognizant of. Letting go of how things "are" to embrace "what could be" is part of the process. For everyone I would think.

Going to try to make this thread last until the New Year. Wish me luck.

I find it in some ways kind of funny that at least "on paper" that the best match I've run in to was CL. Smart, sassy, good income, well read, significant common interests not to mention very pretty and with a charitable heart. But I think we would all agree that she wasn't a fit either for reasons that we all discussed almost exactly a year ago.

[AndrewP]

You kind of danced around what we said and you may not be choosing to address it, but do you feel you are having a hard time saying “no”? Why do you think that is? Are scared of losing her?

I'm a conflict avoidant, people pleasing rescuer.

[Ginger1]

You kind of danced around what we said and you may not be choosing to address it, but do you feel you are having a hard time saying “no”? Why do you think that is? Are scared of losing her?

I'm a conflict avoidant, people pleasing rescuer.

Well, duh, I knew that already!

Have you gotten down to why you are a conflict avoidant people pleaser?

Are you content as such? Does it benefit you? Does it hurt you? Are you making strides towards changing that so you don’t lose yourself and become stuck in the same traps?

Because if nothing changes, well, then, nothing changes.

[doodler]

Going to try to make this thread last until the New Year. Wish me luck.

Good luck! Did you know these threads are free?

[dream]

Did you know these threads are free?

I lol'd.

[Dawn70]

S and I had an awkward conversation over dinner last night about our separate and joint needs on being able to get stuff done for ourselves. And also about the fact that we've not been spending any time lately going on Adventures. No immediate resolution as we jointly tried to compromise and accommodate the other person. For those who suggest that her kids could be helping out more - have you ever "tried" to get a teenager to go above and beyond? LOL The kids - on both sides - are being great and do help out more than may well be the average. I think in part that S is at a state where she feels that she "finally" has some decent help and wants to make good use of it. It's a difficult situation. We are talking about it openly and navigating as best we can.

This is a rhetorical comment on what you said, so don't feel obligated to even say anything in response if you don't want to, but something really stuck out to me about what you said above, particularly the first part about having an awkward conversation about separate and joint needs. In my opinion (and that is ALL it is....MY opinion....not asking you or anyone else to agree, but just strikes me odd), if that particular conversation was awkward coming from her end, that is a bit of a red flag. I mean, you are both adults and you have both been married before and single before, so surely a grown woman with children (particularly children who still live at home and require a modicum of her attention) would be not only understanding of but appreciative of someone who wants and needs alone time and wants and needs to allow her that as well, if/when she needs it. I'm sure S is a lovely woman but I get the sense that she is someone who does not do well alone (as in without a man by her side). She's been married several times and is actually still currently married, if I'm not mistaken, though has been separated for a long time. Or maybe I'm getting my stories confused with B, but my point here is she seems to kind of be all-consuming in her need and demands on your time and that really isn't fair to you or her. I get that you are a rescuer, so you like to feel like you are helping her and you are needed and she is likely very good at making you feel like the big strapping man who is her knight in shining armor. I was actually thinking of you and S this morning as I had to ride into town with Sparky again to pick up my truck from the mechanic. Sparky is currently driving a truck that actually belongs to my dad as we look for a 2nd vehicle. We can't share one because we work in 2 different towns in opposite directions. I mentioned to him, kind of in passing, that this weekend, I would appreciate it if he would check the oil in the truck because my dad is absolutely meticulous about that. I also said, I probably needed to check the oil in my own truck at some point too since I haven't checked it in a couple of weeks. He kind of laughed and commented that I meant HE needed to check the oil in my truck too. I responded "well, you ARE the man and isn't that why I keep you around...to do the manly things?" He shot back "just like I keep you around to do the womanly things." We laughed, but the reality of our situation is that I was raised to be a very strong and independent person and I don't rely on a man to check my oil or anything else. I handle it. I don't get the sense that S does that much, if she can help it. I get the sense she plays the female card and that is ok because that is kind of what you respond to. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not saying that is a bad thing because as was just pointed out on another thread everyone has different criteria for what works for them and what doesn't. My point to all of this rambling is that I think you should just continue to reflect and contemplate and have those discussion because I would hate for you to lose yourself in the process of saving S. You should totally be there for her and help her, but carve out time for yourself as well.

As far as your comment about getting a teenager to do anything and that is likely why S doesn't rely more on her kids, well, that is on her. Yes, teenagers are a HUGE pain to get to cooperate with ANYTHING, but it CAN be done. One just has to stick to their guns. And, besides, when it all comes down to brass tacks, she is still the parent so she can pull the old "grounded from the video game" or whatever to get cooperation if necessary. I wasn't above taking cell phones and car keys when the girls balked too much at what I needed them to do for me when they lived at home. It's a pain in the @ss, but it can be done. One just has to grit their teeth and bear it.